tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39980807702168538252024-02-20T15:35:09.980-05:00Pondering the Postive - Karen's Journey Continues1 Corinthians 6:19: Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your ownKarenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.comBlogger226125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-46398371800299301402021-01-06T21:15:00.003-05:002021-01-06T21:15:26.860-05:00America - Where do we go from here?<p> Today, January 6, 2021, is the day that the truth of the election fraud came to light by having the states not certify the electoral college decisions. As of right now, it doesn't seem to be coming to fruition. It seems that Donald Trump will end up not winning the reelection. </p><p>These last 4 1/2 years have been nothing but continual attacks on Donald Trump. First, let me say I know he is not perfect. Not by a long shot!! But he is someone who has come to try to help America. He has done a lot for our Country. The problem has been, since before he became President, that he was NEVER given a chance. From before day 1 the Democrats have been constantly trying to fight everything he has tried to do. Why? What is so wrong with wanting to help people? What is wrong with providing funding for colleges? What is wrong with trying to get America out of war? They decided that since they didn't like Donald Trump, the man, that America would no longer be their focus. They only wanted to bring the man down. Even at his inauguration they boycotted it. No matter what he said or did it was never right in anyone's eyes on the Democratic side. People who are supposed to be non-patrician blatantly mocked him. (Nancy Pelosi tearing up his State of the Union Address right on national television made me think of a 5 year old that didn't get her way). Yes, there were a lot of times when President Trump's Tweets were written in a non-politically correct fashion. That is probably why so many fought him. He was not a politician. He didn't bend to their elitist "rules".</p><p>This last year has been the hardest. Our world was hit with the Corona Virus. Yet somehow President Trump was blamed for the spread in America. It didn't matter that several Democrats and "Scientists" said not to worry. Come down to China Town. American's don't need to wear masks because they really won't do a lot of good, etc. Trump took the advice of Dr. Fauci for several months and yet, he was to blame for all that happened (and continues to happen even though it was originally for just 5 weeks to stop the spread). </p><p>Then bring in the George Floyd incident at the end of May. A man with a long history of violence and other issues is asked to get in a police car but he freaks out due to drugs in his system. Yes, the officer who knelt on his neck for longer than was reasonable did play a huge part in his death but there were other factors. Yet, the media started spreading the division and stirring up everyone. Next thing we know, there are protests. Those were good at the beginning then the rioting and looting started later that day. But did the Democratic party and the media condemn this behavior? NOPE. It was just "peaceful protesting" and the police in several cities were basically shut down. They couldn't do their jobs to the "peaceful protestors" that were yelling slurs right in their face, threatening their families and them, doing many things that normally would be cause for arrest but had no consequences. This just lead to more unrest. But it was okay because it was peaceful protesting.</p><p>Then President Trump held rallies and gatherings for his re-election bid and those were classified as "super-spreaders". Joe Biden barely left his basement to "run" for President and when he did speak he clearly showed that he has severe cognitive issues. He has had 2 brain surgeries in the past and it has clearly started to affect him. </p><p>So election night happens and President Trump is winning. Several key states stop counting because it is late then all of the sudden, over night, just enough votes for Joe Biden come in and he ends up getting more votes than even Obama ever did. He barely campaigned and when he did there were very few people who went to his events yet he received more votes than anyone ever. On his 3rd try. There is something seriously wrong here. The only thing I figure is that those who voted for Biden only did because they don't like Trump. It had nothing to do with his policies or history. </p><p>This brings us to where we are right now. With all of the things that have been presented it seems clear to me that there were issues with the election. But for some reason no one wants to see the facts. And today, there was a huge rally for President Trump in DC. Around 2 or 3pm several people started breeching the gates of the Capitol Building where the Elector College was meeting. Immediately they are blaming Trump supporters and it is covered by everyone and is a major deal. First, do we really know it was Trump supporters or was it Antifa? Secondly, where were all the Democrats trying to stop the rioting and looting earlier this year? Why is this worse? When Kamla Harris was encouraging rioting and letting people out of jail without bond or repercussions for their actions. Nothing makes sense.</p><p>Also, there are several states and cities that are still "locked down" from COVID. Yet all those places have been "locked down" since the beginning and yet the numbers are still high. What is the point of the lockdowns? Dr. Fauci says to wear masks, then not wear masks, then wear total face shields. It makes no sense. There is no rhyme nor reason. </p><p>I know this post is really long and there is so much more to say but it is my way of bringing all my thoughts to one place. I am praying when I look back on this post that the horrible things that the Democrats want to try to implement didn't actually take place. They want to give more benefits for Illegal's who enter America undocumented. They want to give "free" college education to everyone. They want to repeal the Trump Tax plan and "tax the rich". They want to do a "free healthcare" for all (all of these ideas will only roll downhill and cause all of us to pay more taxes and higher prices for goods and services. They also want to raise the minimum wage to $15.00/hour. That can't be done across the board. It needs to be based on each state and economy.</p><p>So, I ran off on my tangent again. I know people don't really read this so it's kind of my journal. The only good thing about this year is that I am growing closer to God. He is the only way I am surviving. He has this. Everything else is out of control. Good WILL overcome evil!!!</p>Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-16509765660643446862020-12-02T10:49:00.000-05:002020-12-02T10:49:11.083-05:002020, Traveling and What's Next?<p> So, in my last post from October I mentioned all the things going on in 2020. Well, they haven't gotten any better. In fact the COVID outbreak has escalated again (forget that it IS cold and flu season which remarkably has shown an all time low occurrence rate). Places are shutting down again and going back in lockdown. People are being told not to travel. The presidential race is still not over. Joe Biden is the "presumed" winner but there are numerous examples of voter fraud being brought before the courts so who knows how it is going to end. The rioting has calmed down since the left thinks they have won the election. I can't even imagine what will happen if the results are reversed. Let's not go there.</p><p>Thanksgiving this year was good but hard. One of my nephews and his family came down with COVID the week before while they were visiting us here in Columbus. That meant we were all exposed. His brother also tested positive for COVID though I never spent time with him but the others did. So, that meant that neither could come for Thanksgiving. With the hint of COVID being around, the Minnesota Millers and the Georgia May's and Baltzers decided not to come either. And with Sue and Phil being older they opted to not come as well. It ended up being 4 of the Baltzer's, 10 Hoffmans and me. (Don't tell, we had more than 2 families and more than 6 people.) It turned out to be a fun day but we sure missed the others. </p><p>The government is threatening to cancel travel for Christmas as well. Phil will turn 80 on the 20th and we are planning a small gathering for him on the 19th. Hopefully that doesn't get canceled.</p><p>So, 2020 continues to be a challenge with 29 days left. God is good and He will prevail but it sure is hard right now.</p><p>As far as traveling goes... Obviously I am morbidly obese and traveling by plane has not been fun in the past. With this year it is even worse. Not only have I had to buy (2) tickets in order to travel but this year I will be required to wear a mask in the airports and on the plane. I can barely go into a store for a few minutes with a mask on. I don't know what I am going to do for over 4 hours. See, I am planning on going to Florida to visit my dad later this month. I used to love to fly on a plane but there is so much anxiety leading up to the flying that it is not fun right now. As I sit in the airport waiting to board the plane I can just imagine all the other travelers hoping they aren't sitting next to the fat lady. Even though I know I have two tickets they don't. Then finally getting into the plane and needing a seatbelt extender. Fitting through the aisle's. Fitting between the seats. Sitting like that for over 2 hours. Plus I will miss a day of work and I am hurting financially right now so that is going to hurt big time. </p><p>It's just not fun!!! If my dad and Carol didn't want me to come down so bad I would not be doing it. I just don't know how many more years I will have with him so I don't want to say no. </p><p>What's next? I have no idea. I know God is working on my heart. I know He is changing me through all the stuff this year has brought. I am seeing what is good and what is evil. I am praying harder for the good to overcome the evil. We will see. I am 1 1/2 years out from my 55th birthday where I want to try the dude ranch trip again. 1 1/2 years to get to a healthy weight. 1 1/2 years to make small goals and to grow closer with God. Each morning in the last few weeks I have woken up and just talked to God thanking Him that together we got this day. </p><p>Are you not sure what's next for you? Life does not give us clear answers. God asks us each day to pick up our Cross and follow Him. He knows our steps and as the famous poem, "Footprints in the Sand" remind us, when we only see one set of footprints during the hard times it is because that is when God is carrying us. Turn to Him. Give Him a chance. Together you and God have got this. People will ultimately disappoint but God never will.</p><p>Heavenly Father, what a crazy year we have been going through. Thank you for your love and protection. Lord, we don't know what's next. Sometimes you make our paths clear and other times you bring the fog and tell us to just take the next step. Thank you for taking that step with us. God I just ask that you continue to bring clarity to this messed up sinful world. Please help good to overcome the evil. Lord, help me to trust you in the upcoming travel. Thanks for the opportunity to see my dad and Carol. Help me to be excited for this trip and to be able to handle wearing a mask for that length of time. Thank you most of all for the reason for this upcoming holiday. Your Son's birth!! In Jesus' name, Amen.</p>Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-10363188865297144722020-10-15T23:42:00.001-04:002020-10-15T23:42:15.962-04:00Do You Want to Be Well? <p> I got a DM (direct message) from someone that was just checking on me. She said in the last post I had put on Instagram I seemed to be down.</p><p>The truth is, no, I am not doing okay. I am struggling. I am hurting. I am angry. I am discouraged. I am disappointed. I am just truly sad. </p><p>I don't even know where to start. As I have written in previous posts, 2020 has been a very messed up year. We started this year with high hopes. Excitement. Energy. All the dates on the calendar were lining up. Seriously, Cinco de Mayo was on Taco Tuesday!!! Then COVID-19 hit. The country, heck, the world, got shut down "for a short period of time to slow the spread and not overwhelm hospitals". That was in March. It is now Mid-October and there are still a lot of things locked down. Sports but few spectators are allowed. Parties, forget about it. Even the Presidential race is so divided by all the "rules" that change every day. Sometimes, every hour.</p><p>Then you have the worst civil unrest I have ever witnessed in my lifetime. I have touched on the whole George Floyd killing by the police. Well, the looting and rioting has continued. It now has nothing really to due with George Floyd or Police brutality against black people. Now it is just a reason for people to try to show they are "owed" something. We have rappers who sing vial songs interviewing presidential candidates but yet we have Amy Coney Barrett being appointed to the Supreme Court but the Democrats are acting like spoiled brats because President Trump was doing his constitutional duty and appointing a nominee. </p><p>Our election is 19 days away and I am so stressed because for the first time in my life I actually really care about who gets elected and what that will do to our Country if the Joe Biden gets elected. It is a scary time.</p><p>Then there is the whole personal stuff. I am ONCE AGAIN doing the exact same thing I have done over and over and over and over again. I have gotten my credit card bills run up high and had to buy a car in June so now I have an additional amount coming out of my paycheck each month. But instead of saving all the money I can for the short term so I can pay off my bills, I continue to go out to eat. Not only spending more than I should to begin with but spending $15-$20 on each meal!!!! I also have medical bills coming in because there is something wrong with my, let's just say, butt. I have been to Teledoc, Urgent Care, my PCP and an Orthopedic doctor. So I have bills from the latter 3 that I now owe because I have a high deductible and have run out of my $2,000 money that my boss gives us each year. So, any medical appointments at this point until I reach my deductible are 100% my bill. </p><p>I was losing the weight for awhile and now I have put it back on. I have been averaging 435-445 for the last 6 months or so. I am in a lot of pain and struggle with daily issues to take care of myself. Which then causes me to have more low self-esteem because I feel ugly. </p><p>So, where does the title of this post come in? These last two sections are a pattern I have repeated my entire life!!! I constantly start doing well and ultimately turn right back around and get back in the exact same spot that the Lord has helped me out of. It never fails. BUT when I ask for prayer and God brings someone to walk along side of me or to challenge me, or to offer suggestions, I immediately get very defensive. I find excuse after excuse why I can't work with that person, or why what they are saying just isn't right for me. </p><p>John 5:1- 15 says the following:</p><p><i>The Healing at the Pool</i></p><p><i>1Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals. 2Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda a and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. 3Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. [4] b 5One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6<span style="color: red;">When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”</span></i></p><p><i>7<span style="color: #800180;">“Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”</span></i></p><p><i>8Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” 9At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.</i></p><p><i>The day on which this took place was a Sabbath, 10and so the Jewish leaders said to the man who had been healed, “It is the Sabbath; the law forbids you to carry your mat.”</i></p><p><i>11But he replied, “The man who made me well said to me, ‘Pick up your mat and walk.’ ”</i></p><p><i>12So they asked him, “Who is this fellow who told you to pick it up and walk?”</i></p><p><i>13The man who was healed had no idea who it was, for Jesus had slipped away into the crowd that was there.</i></p><p><i>14Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.” 15The man went away and told the Jewish leaders that it was Jesus who had made him well.</i></p><p>See, I am that man at the well. Jesus is asking me over and over again if I want to get well. And I am constantly telling Him that there is no one to help me get to the healing waters before another person gets there first. I haven't been willing to pick up my mat and walk. I want to stay at the side of the healing pool and wait for someone to do it for me. </p><p>I know I am not the only one struggling. I know I am not the only one who continues to fight Jesus when all He wants to do is see me live the life He wants for me. To be able to get up and go tell everyone about who He is. But when you are in a hurting place and you have seen yourself do well only to make the same choices over and over again it is really hard to want to try. </p><p>Do I want to get well? The right answer is yes, I do. But actually believing that is so much easier said than done. I feel like I am at verse 14 - if I don't stop sinning something worse will happen. </p><p>If you would be willing to pray I would appreciate it. I know that I will get through this. I just pray that this time will be the last time. That I can add eating healthy, at home and saving money to my year and 1/2 of making my bed (almost) every day and almost 4 years of checking TimeHop every day. </p><p>God bless and if you are struggling right now as well please let me know so I can pray for you too. </p>Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-41852589633614350772020-06-05T10:22:00.001-04:002020-06-05T10:22:07.900-04:00CHANGE STARTS WITHIN: Individually and Community
<p style="text-align: justify;">As a white person who lives in
the suburbs and only knows what she sees and hears through news reports and
television I am writing this purely to try to understand.</p>
<p style="text-align: justify;"><b>I do believe that racism is
still prevalent in our society.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do believe
that it is wrong and that it needs to change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>All aspects of racism need to change.</b></p>
<p style="text-align: justify;">I do believe that there are bad police
officers who want to throw their authority around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who stereotype individuals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who believe the bad first and don’t take the
time to find out the good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This too
needs to stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Police unions need to
quit defending those who are being too aggressive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They need to work with those officers instead
of condoning their behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p style="text-align: justify;">But I believe, and know, that
there are far more good officers than bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I don’t believe that it is fair or right to lump all police officers into
the bad category.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t believe that
someone who has chosen to defend and protect should be targeted because they
are trying to uphold the law and keep people safe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p style="text-align: justify;">I see these videos on the internet
of officers using force on seemingly “peaceful” protestors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What these videos aren’t showing are how many
times the protestors have been asked to relocate to a different location.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To stop blocking streets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We don’t see why the officers are led to the
point of using the batons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it wrong
to use the batons, pepper spray, rubber bullets?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think that everyone’s
perspective is different and that I could be standing right next to someone and
both of us could see the same exact thing in total opposite ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p style="text-align: justify;">I also see videos of stores being
looted and people are trying to blame hate groups for starting the destruction
(probably pretty close to accurate) but then the videos are followed up by
blacks and whites taking whatever they can from those businesses. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is not even an option of whether this is
wrong or right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is plain
wrong!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p style="text-align: justify;">So, here is the real reason I am
writing this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I mentioned up
top.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see and hear a lot based on television
and social media because I am not in those areas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I hear is that some members of the black
community want to know why the police are not helping them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why the police seem to neglect certain areas
of cities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then I hear about a
murder or robbery or rape or gun fight in an area and when the police do go to
try to solve the crime they are met with individuals who won’t talk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who witnessed the crime but are not willing
to give any details.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or who start attacking
the police when they do come and protecting the suspect(s).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What my understanding is that so many people
are afraid to testify.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are truly
afraid for their lives and the lives of their families because of the repercussions
from gangs in the neighborhoods. (Again, all perspective from someone who see’s
from the “outside”). </p>
<p style="text-align: justify;">As a white person it does make it
hard to figure out a way to bridge the gap when so much of what I hear are
black on black crimes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s hard to have
compassion when it seems like every time I read a headline I see another 14
year old black child has been killed by a 15 year old black child or 20 black
people are killed in Chicago on one weekend by other black individuals/gangs or
a 3 year old black girl is killed when two gangs shoot each other up and a
stray bullet penetrates the wall and hits the sofa where the little girl was
sitting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or I hear that intercity
schools don’t have the funding or resources needed to give the youth a proper
education but then stories of teachers being beaten up because they took a cell
phone away from someone or they told a student to sit down and listen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A lot of people will use the reasoning that
is all they know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That because of the
disadvantages of growing up in a raciest society, fighting and gangs are the
only option for a lot of people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe
they are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p style="text-align: justify;">So, yes, we need to start fixing
the problems with how black citizens are treated but it seems that some of it
has to start with the black community standing up to each other and trying to find
a way to combat the black on black crimes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There are so many good people in every community.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So many children who want a chance to grow up
and fulfill their dreams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We ALL have to
figure out a way to give them that chance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></p>
<p style="text-align: justify;">I don’t have the answers, I can’t
even imagine where to start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that
I will try to do better in how I view things, how I say things and even though
I HATE conflict, will try to speak up when I see an injustice happening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pray for clarity and a positive change in
all areas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s all I ask of you as
well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Help me to see that change is
really what is wanted by all. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p>
<p style="text-align: justify;">Change starts from within – individually
and community.</p>
Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-41123434411189901472020-06-02T10:04:00.002-04:002020-06-03T09:53:43.976-04:00I'M TIRED - The crazy year of 2020
<p style="text-align: left;">I wrote the below today just to try to express some of what I am feeling during this crazy time. Since my last post the protesting, rioting and violence has escalated concerning the killing of George Floyd at the hands of 4 police officers. </p><p style="text-align: left;">What happened to Mr. Floyd was very wrong and I can see the point in that if it were not a police officer who had been involved the suspects would have all been arrested and be in jail right now. But because the prosecutors are looking at the videos and situation, they have only arrested the main officer who had his knee on Mr. Floyds neck. Justice needs to be, and I believe will, be served. </p><p style="text-align: left;">What I don't understand is that people are saying that they have to resort to the violence in order to be heard. To me that just reiterates the biases that people have towards the black community. The problem with this is that it is only a very small group of people who are committing these acts and some of them are white people trying to instigate the trouble. But it is causing those people who just want to be heard with a calm voice to be overshadowed. To not be heard. To be lumped into a negative limelight.</p><p style="text-align: left;">I have been so conflicted and just so troubled by all of this. I HATE conflict. (I think I might have mentioned this a few thousand times) and so I have wanted to speak up and share my thoughts but I know that no matter what I say there will be someone who doesn't like my thoughts or thinks I am for one side or the other. </p><p style="text-align: left;">Heck, I don't believe in same sex relationships but that doesn't mean that I don't love the people in my life who choose to go that direction. It also doesn't mean that I want them to be treated unfairly. Or harrassed. </p><p style="text-align: left;">I think abortion is wrong but that doesn't mean that I am going to go damage a clinic that does this procedure. It also doesn't mean that I'm going to hate a woman who chooses that. </p><p style="text-align: left;">I try to see both sides and give the people the benefit of the doubt. Even in this George Floyd situation. People are calling for murder 1 for the police officer. That means it was pre-meditated. My thought tends to run to the fact that the officer did not leave his house on the morning of May 25th thinking that today would be the day he kills a black man. </p><p style="text-align: left;">Or what about the person who goes to the party after work and has a couple of beers with his/her friends then gets in the car to drive home only to run the red light and kill that family who were just coming home from a day of fun? Did that driver plan on killing that family? Yep, their choice was the wrong one and they should have known not to drive but now they have to live with the fact they took those lives. </p><p style="text-align: left;">I want to believe that it does make a difference to those people. I don't know the thoughts of the police officer. Maybe he is just an evil person who has gotten away with things until it finally caught up to him but he doesn't really care. Maybe the person who drove the car could care less. Maybe the person who killed someone at point blank range really has no qualms about it. I just want to believe that they do. </p><p style="text-align: left;">I asked my pastor the other day a question. He was talking about doing things for God and not because we are trying to be a people pleaser in his message. I asked him in a private message how to know if you are doing something for the right reason. His response was that me just asking that question shows where my heart truly is. </p><p style="text-align: left;">I don't have the answers. I know that God needs to be at the forefront of whatever happens. I know that even in a small way, I have a voice and that I need to use it. God gave me a spirit of empathy. I need to figure out how to use that gift in a way that can help change the "I'm Tired"'s below. All I can say is I'll try. </p><p style="text-align: left;">Dear Heavenly Father,</p><p style="text-align: left;">Wow, you know my fears and idiosyncrasies better than I do. You know I am tired, you know I am scared, you know I am hurting and sad. These feelings, thoughts and fears are not new to you. You also keep reminding me that You have the answers. I just need to give them to you and trust that you love me enough to not leave me where I am at. <br />Lord, this world is out of control. It seems like you are going to be coming soon and yet I am afraid to leave. I want to spend eternity with you but I am also caught up in this world. Lord, please change my heart. Help me to desire you more. Help me to trust that even though this world is crazy right now you love us despite us and will be glorified through this.<br />Thank you Lord for putting up with me. For loving me even though I feel unlovable. And thank you for sending your Son so that I don't have to be afraid.<br />In Jesus' name, Amen. <br /></p><p align="center" style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p align="center" style="text-align: center;">I’M TIRED</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of seeing men and women like George Floyd
be killed at the hands of corrupt police</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of seeing good police being targeted</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of seeing stories of little children
being shot and killed by random bullets being fired.</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of hearing stories of people of all
color losing their businesses due to rioting and looting</p><p style="text-indent: -0.25in;">
</p><p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of police officer’s families being targeted
in retaliation for something that the officer and his family had nothing to do
with.<br /></p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of hearing about firefighters and
paramedics being attacked when all they are trying to do is save a life</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of hearing excuses of oppression and inequality
for using violence to get a point across</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of seeing hate groups treating others
of all nationalities and religions with violence</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of feeling like I have to apologize
for being born white</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of hearing about intercity violence </p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of hearing about “white collar” men
and women cheating people out of money because of their greed.</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of people taking advantage of systems
meant to help for their personal gain</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of seeing our military veterans living
on the streets because there isn’t help out there.</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of hearing about suicides by our
military and police and fire because they feel they have no other options.</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of seeing some people in the sports
and entertainment spotlight treating others like they are worthless and using
their platform to advocate violence and hatred</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of seeing the “left” and the “right”
fighting each other so hard that they are not listening to each other and
trying to make this country better.</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of waking up to see another police
officer has lost his/her life just because of his/her profession.</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of seeing so many people dying from drug
overdoses</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of drug dealers taking advantage of
the young and vulnerable.</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of hearing about our children dying by
suicide because they are being bullied or just feel lost and don’t know how to
get help.</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of seeing my friends who are educators
working 50-60 hours a week and using their own money to help our next generation
only to be paid very little and be hit or screamed at by not only students but
also by parents.</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of parents trying to be their childrens
friend</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of seeing young people acting like
they are owed the world</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of God being removed from our schools
and government</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of not taking responsibility for our
own actions</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of the blame game</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of not having the answers</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of this world needing God back in it but
denying Him or blaming Him for our choices.</p>
<p style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: symbol;"><span>·<span style="font: 7pt "times new roman";">
</span></span></span>I’m tired of being tired</p>
<p>Karen Lovett 6-2-20 in the middle of the Covid-19 pandemic
and severe rioting due to the killing of George Floyd</p>
Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-14598043265565385932020-05-27T11:41:00.001-04:002020-05-27T14:08:43.119-04:00What in the World? (Different kind of post)The world has been crazy clear back to Bible times. Once Adam and Eve ate of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge sin has been wreaking havoc. Right now that cycle has ramped up to the nth degree. It is crazy!!!<div><br /></div><div>President Trump was elected in 2016 causing an uproar and division in the country like I have never witnessed. One side is so focused on their hatred of this man that they are not even trying to work with him to make or keep this country a wonderful place to live. <br /><br />Then we have the current pandemic of Coronavirus (COVID-19) that has literally shut down the world. Not just the United States but just about every place on this earth. If the election didn't cause enough division now we have the virus who is dividing us even more. We have the people who are for the "sheltering-at-home, facemask wearing, social distancing" cause, the "screw this, I will not be told by the government that I elected and that should be working for me, how to live my life and it's all just a lie to turn this country into a communistic state, I will do what I want and with however many people I want" and the "somewhere in the middle" groups of people. </div><div><br /></div><div>And if THOSE weren't enough. We continue to have the racial issues that are happening with the white police and the black citizens. Just yesterday there was another incident of a man who was being "detained" and a video is shown of the man face down on the ground with the knee of the police officer pressing down on the mans neck and the man continually telling the officer that he can't breath. The officer never let up pressure and the man later passed away. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am the type of person who HATES confrontation. I don't want anyone to not like me and I want to believe that everyone is good until they prove me wrong. The problem with this mentality is that I don't know what "stand" to take. </div><div><br /></div><div>I don't care for the way President Trump responds to things. I think he needs to censor his words. Not to be politically correct but the bible says that a gentle word turns away wrath. I think that he is a blunt person who forgets to think before he responds. But I do think that he wants the best for this country and that if he had been given the chance, people would see this. He hasn't really had a chance because he's been having to constantly fight the "other side". </div><div><br /></div><div>With the pandemic. I think the caution at the beginning was needed as we didn't know the extent of the disease or how it would affect people. I think now that we need to be cautious and use common sense and that if you are vulnerable then you should continue to take extra precautions. But I don't think we need to keep everything shut down. </div><div><br /></div><div>The other night we were at Bible study and someone said that there are people who blindly follow whatever someone tells them to do. Back during the Holocaust people were told to get on a train and they did. They didn't know to fight for their rights. I would probably be like those people. I would probably go along only because I don't want to cause any issues. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I don't want to argue because what if I am challenged and I don't have the right answer? Well, guess what, none of us have all the right answers. But I still hate conflict.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now the issue with the man who died. First of all, how the police handled this was wrong. Even if the man had or was initially resisting if the person is not able to breath then the officer needs to make an adjustment. Stand him up, get the other officer's just standing there to help hold an arm. Anything but continuing to lean on someones neck. Common sense says that when you are leaning on someones neck you are obstructing airflow. This officer and the others who did not say anything should 100% be held accountable. </div><div><br /></div><div>There are two issues that I have with the media coverage and the citizens response to this. The first is that the media continues to use racial headlines. Every person on this planet is special. If so many are trying to stop the racial biases then why continue to make color the main issue? I'm not saying that what happened to Mr. Floyd wasn't racially motivated. I wasn't there. I didn't see what happened. But I do wonder if this had been the other way around would there be as much of a cry for justice for the victim then? Of if it had been two people of the same color? </div><div><br /></div><div>The second part is the protesting. As I have said, justice needs to be done. From what I could see in the video the police officer needs to be held accountable. His actions and the no action of the other officers should and is being addressed. What I don't understand is how getting violent with other police officers during protests help the situation? How is this going to make a difference? The officers have been fired, the FBI is investigating and charges will probably be filed. </div><div><br /></div><div>I think protesting is fine. I think letting people know that you are with the family, that you believe wrong was done and needs to be looked at is great and is part of our freedoms in this country. But WHY do protesters have to use violence to protest violence? It doesn't make sense to me. And I am not saying this is the only issue where this has happened. Stuff like this happens all the time and it makes no sense to me. It just doesn't accomplish anything except make the situation so much worse. </div><div><br /></div><div>So there you have it. My weird post on political and life issues that I am afraid to address with anyone but in my blog that no one really reads so it is my "safe" place. :) </div><div><br /></div><div>If you are reading this than thank you for taking the time. I love this country, I love being an American but I so wish that we could all just stop being so selfish and try to respond to things in the way that the Lord wants us to. With humility and grace. Not with violence and hatred. We all will not agree and that is okay. That's what makes us special. But we all need to do so much better in how we handle things. I hope you take the time to think before you speak, love instead of hate, try to see the other side and stand up for what is right but remember that a soft word turns away wrath.</div>Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-16955072002185310152020-04-30T11:21:00.000-04:002020-04-30T11:21:00.257-04:002 More YearsApril 30, 2018 I changed my Instagram page name to Karens_Journey_to_Health. My goal was to bring you all along on my journey to losing weight and getting physically and mentally healthy. I was 443.6 pounds when I posted the first picture on the new journey. All excited and ready to go. Ready to inspire not only you all but myself as well. <br />
<br />
Fast forward to April 30, 2020. I weigh 433ish pounds. (My scale needs a new battery so I am not sure of the actual weight but...). In two years I have lost 34 pounds from my "starting" weight (53 from my highest) and gained back 24 of those pounds. I have gone ANOTHER 2 years of watching life go by. Of missing out on activities. Of being able to take a bath instead of a shower. Of just living. And over that 2 years I have once again shown myself and others that I am all talk and no action.<br />
<br />
I don't know why I am so disappointed in myself. It is the same old pattern over and over again. I get so excited about something and really think I'm going to do it this time and then all of the sudden 2 years have gone by and I am at the same place as I was before. Only this time the anger, frustration and disappointment are magnified. I am fighting the urge to just say I give up completely and to let whatever happens happen. There is a part of me that keeps saying that I am never going to lose this weight. I'm never going to accomplish any goal I set for myself so I might as well just eat what I want and who cares.<br />
<br />
BUT there is still a part of me that wants to and knows that I can make the changes needed. I can accomplish those goals. I can live the life that God wants for me. And I know that as long as that part of me still exists there is still hope.<br />
<br />
I don't doubt that God loves me and that He wants the best for me. I have seen too many times an answer to a prayer that sometimes I didn't even pray yet. But I do know that until I truly surrender my life to Him that I am going to continue to struggle. <br />
<br />
These almost 53 years have been hard. I know that others have it harder than me and sometimes I struggle with that as well. But the years have been. So many disappointments and heartaches. So many losses and hurts. So much playing the victim card. I don't know what the next years entail. Only God knows that. But I just hope and pray that with God's help, I can prove to myself and others that I can accomplish something. That I am worth fighting for. That my journey to health can be just that. A journey to physical and emotional health. To break this pattern of repeated starts but no finishes.<br />
<br />
God, thank you for the last 53 years. Thank you for all you have blessed me with. All the people in my life and the health you have given me. Thank you for loving me even when I try to be unlovable. Lord, I do ask that we can get this journey moving in the right direction and that you would help me to not stop this time. That you would be able to use the things I have done (or not done as the case may be) to show me that I can accomplish anything if it is your will and I truly try. Not just say I'm going to try, but actually put in the effort.<br />
Lord, I love you and thank you for your Son. In Jesus' Name, Amen.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-55168085885122736182020-04-14T12:49:00.002-04:002020-04-14T12:49:17.171-04:00Crazy Times in 2020What in the world is happening? This year was supposed to be filled with so many fun memories. New decade, new time in America.<br />
<br />
Enter the Coronavirus. COVID-19. A highly contagious respiratory infection that has literally shut down the world. Not Grove City, not Columbus, not Ohio, not even the United States but the world. There are people dying from this virus. There are area's that stopped doing anything for months. We are on week 4 or 5 at this point. I have lost count. <br />
<br />
I am considered an "essential" employee because I am the Office Manager for a plumbing company. There are so many who don't have jobs right now. <br />
<br />
So, what does this post have to do with weight loss? Well, this time is really playing a huge part on my emotions. I have been eating a lot of unhealthy foods lately. Not in just small amounts but in large amounts. I ate 8 donuts in one sitting last week. 8!!!! That is just one of the examples. I am so frustrated with myself.<br />
<br />
Today it kind of hit me as to why. I am struggling with guilt. Kind of like survivors guilt. I get to get up everyday at the same time. Go into an office and shut the door and basically stay away from most contact. I am not on the front lines. I am not a nurse, doctor or medical professional. I am not a first responder. I don't work for a restaurant or a grocery store. I can limit my contact with people. <br />
<br />
Why do I get to still work when others who don't have control over their environment have to face this risk of this virus? Why do I get to still have a paycheck coming in when there are so many who are facing financial heartbreak? <br />
<br />
No, I don't want this virus. No, I don't want to have to worry about finances. No, I don't want to have to give up the freedoms that I am still able to have. I so appreciate everything that I have and every opportunity that I have right now. I just don't know how to let go of this guilt that I'm experiencing. <br />
<br />
Has my life been interrupted? Sure, I can't go to a restaurant and sit down to eat a meal. I can't order curbside pickup from Giant Eagle or Kroger and be able to pick it up tonight. (The wait is 4-5 days). I can't go to church on Sunday or Bible Study on Sunday nights. But so what. I still get to watch church on Sunday's via Facebook. I am alive, healthy (except my weight) and I have so much. <br />
<br />
I don't know how to stop the guilt thoughts. I want to help people but physically I struggle with going to the store for myself let alone for others. I struggle with cleaning for myself so I know I would struggle with cleaning for others. The people who need the friends or companionship right now are the ones who are most susceptible to getting this virus. It stinks!!! <br />
<br />
Heavenly Father,<br />
Please end this virus or contain it soon. Please don't let us go back to "normal" as this time of self-isolation has allowed people to be still. It has also helped our world "clean" up a little. Smog is better, blue skies are shining for the first time in a long time in places like India and animals are learning how to relive in their environment. But help us to be able to get back to gathering as groups. Worshipping, spending time together. Help people who have lost jobs be able to work again. Lord, help us to know you are in control. Change hearts to help people make the decisions that are for the good of the people and not for their own gain. <br />
And Lord, I ask that you would just help those of us who are kind of in the middle. We are considered essential but I am sure I am not the only one who feels it. Help us to not get lost in our, I don't even know the way to describe it, feelings of being needed but in the grand scheme of things, not really feeling like those who are truly essential. And finally Lord, I just ask that you would protect those who are on the front lines. Lord, give them the tools they need to stay safe and healthy. Give them the knowledge to be able to treat the people that need the help. <br />
In Jesus' name, Amen.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-23649235434637701102020-03-10T10:39:00.000-04:002020-03-10T10:39:59.725-04:00New Day, New Attitude?So I woke up today with the anger being front and center. Not the anger towards anyone except my situation. I am so tired of living in an unhealthy body, spending tons of money on eating out and computer games and watching life go by. Today I want to make the changes I need to fight for myself. My health, my finances, my relationship with God. Today I want to LIVE.<br />
<br />
This attitude actually scares me to death because I have had this type of attitude so many times in the past and it only takes one little thing to turn it off. Eating the unhealthy meal, paying that $1.99 for those 10 extra coins to finish the computer game, going to that expensive restaurant instead of bringing my lunch or cooking at home, walking in my front door and immediately playing computer games and watching tv instead of spending time with God in His word. This is my MO. This is how I've done things for 52 3/4 years. <br />
<br />
My head knows what to do. I have been to the programs to help me. I have been given so many tools to be successful in losing weight and saving money. I just struggle with the "want to". It makes me so mad!!! Would it be easier to have someone take my checkbook and handle my money for me so that I can't waste it? OH YEA!!! It would be awesome. It would also end any friendship I had with that person as I would not be a good "helpee". It is also not anyone else's responsibility to help me make the changes. <br />
<br />
One of the things that God laid on my heart this morning on my way to work was that maybe He has allowed me to stay alone all these years was because He is trying to show me that I only need Him to make the changes needed. What an accomplishment to actually be able to be a grown up and do the adulting thing. <br />
<br />
Does that mean I can't reach out for support? NO. He has placed people and resources in my life and in all our lives to help us along that way. He doesn't expect us to be able to do it alone but He also will provide for us if that is how it is going right now. <br />
<br />
Dear Heavenly Father,<br />
Thank you for walking this road with me. Thank you for bringing the people and things into my life to make me successful. Not in a worldly way but in a way that makes me healthy and able to do your work. I am a long way from being where I need to be but I know that you can use me even where I am at right now. Lord, help me to keep this attitude. Even in the next few minutes as I have to make a decision about what to get for lunch. Help me to choose a meal that will satisfy me and provide the fuel my body needs but will not be unhealthy or expensive. Lord, I want to live life. Not just exist. Most of all, I want to crave Your word above everything else. Help me to allow you to change my heart. Help me to look satan in the face when he tries to tempt me with unhealthy choices and say leave me alone in Your name. Lord, I do love you and I want to trust you 100%. Help me to stop being afraid and doubting you. Help me to just learn so much about you that people will ask me where my strength comes from. In Jesus' Name, Amen.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-83707313931913103742020-02-26T23:15:00.002-05:002020-02-26T23:15:52.929-05:00Such a long time and the same spot...I can't believe it has been since 2018 since I have posted here. I started posting on Instagram so I kind of got away from here. Well, I wanted to write in here because I am at a place where I am just so discouraged and frustrated that I didn't really want to put it out there for all to see.<br />
<br />
This blog is kind of my therapy and since no one really reads it, it's like a diary too. I weigh 433lbs as of yesterday morning. Today I told myself that I was going to make good choices on my eating. At lunch I got an 8" Jimmy John's Italian sub (one of the most fattening). This morning I tried the new Wendy's sausage, egg and cheese biscuit sandwich with their seasoned fries and a Diet Coke. Tonight I went to a little place called Memories and got their appetizer sampler. It consisted of 8 mini tacos, 3 fried pickles, 4 fried mac & cheese wedges and 6 chicken wings. Then I stopped at Dairy Queen and got a hot fudge brownie sundae. <br />
<br />
WHY???????? Why can't I stop doing this to myself? Why can't I follow through? Why do I continually sabotage myself? What is stopping me from really trying? I hate myself sometimes. (Not enough to do anything drastic) but in some ways I AM hurting myself just in a slower fashion. I'm not even trying to get healthy. <br />
<br />
Yes, I love food. I love the taste of food. I love sitting down at a restaurant and eating a meal, even when I am alone because there are people there to watch. Conversations to eavesdrop on. Noise. But why can't I make healthy choices when I am eating out? <br />
<br />
When I moved to my new apartment in June of last year I was so excited because I had a pretty big kitchen with an electric stove and a DISHWASHER. There have been dirty dishes sitting on my counter for a few weeks now and I haven't cooked myself a meal in months. I was taking my lunch every day to work last year for several months and I stopped that and now eat out each meal. I did Intermittent Fasting for awhile but then I plateaued and went back to eating what I wanted, when I wanted. I tried to start IF again but have not done well this time around.<br />
<br />
I come home each night and turn on my computer, play games and watch tv. I was just thinking about my mom and how I got so frustrated with her for not even trying to get healthy and yet I am STILL doing the same exact thing. What is going to happen when my legs finally say enough? Why would anyone want to help me? I have done this to myself. I have chosen to eat this way, I have chosen to feel sorry for myself, I have chosen to give up on really living and just exist. Though I really don't remember a time when I was really living. I have been so afraid of life that I think I have just existed for the last 52 years. I have continually started to make progress on something only to once again stop or fail. The only thing consistent has been my TimeHop streak and making my bed every day. <br />
<br />
It is so frustrating and discouraging. When I had my physical at the beginning of February everything internally was perfect again. I remember as I was talking about it at our prayer meeting I was praising God for allowing me to be healthy internally even though I constantly abuse myself. But joint wise I am really a mess and asking for prayer. I person, under their breath, said something like "here we go". See, even those who say they love me are tired of hearing me constantly asking for prayer for weightloss. They have been praying for so long and I constantly ignore the help God gives me that they are tired of hearing it. I don't blame them. I am tired of hearing it myself. <br />
<br />
The thing is, I don't want to continue this way. I hate the place I am at. I hate the thought of eventually having to rely on someone to help me. I hate that I have to have people come and do things for me because my legs and back are so worn out from carrying this much weight for so long that I can't even vacuum my own house without being in severe pain. I hate it all. I also hate that in my head I know what I need to do but I don't want to do it. I want others to come and do it for me. Others to come and take me to the gym. Others to invite me over and fix me healthy meals. Others to help me get out of my own head. It makes me so mad!!!! It is not others responsibility!!! I am not a victim. I am a grown woman who should be able to take care of herself. Who shouldn't have to rely on others. Who should want to lose the weight and get healthy because it is the right thing to do. Not so that others can praise me for losing the weight. <br />
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God, you have given me so much over the years. You have opened so many doors for me to walk through to get healthy. You have brought people into my life to encourage me. To come along side of me. And yet I keep fighting you every step of the way. I don't want to do the work. I don't trust that you will have great things for me. I don't believe that I can do the things you will ask me to do if I get healthy. I continue to believe Satan who constantly tells me that I have been a failure at everything my entire life and that is not about to change. Lord, I know that you love me and that you love me enough for me not to stay where I'm at but in my heart I still struggle with trusting you with everything. I like my tv shows, I like my computer games, I like fattening foods. I don't want to give those things up and yet I know that I need to spend time with you. I know that in order to learn more about you and trust you I need to spend time in your word. But Lord, I think I'm going to do it and then nothing ever changes. I just ask that you don't give up on me and I will try to not give up on me either. You love me and Lord, with your help, I would like to learn to love myself as well. Not in an egotistical way but in a way that I become more like you. I pray this in Jesus' name, Amen.Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-70768262660591837722018-05-10T15:05:00.002-04:002018-05-10T15:05:36.556-04:00It's Day 76 - Where am I at now?76 days ago I posted a blog about Anna's band concert that I had attended. I didn't fit in the seats. I had to sit in the cafeteria for almost the entire program.<br />
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My goal was to lose enough weight in 76 days to be able to be comfortable at tonight's concert. Well, I am down about 15 pounds. That is not enough and I anticipate I will be uncomfortable again tonight but, I am down!!!!!<br />
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I started writing on April 30th a "blog" format on Instagram. It is proving to be helpful and I pray that it will help others as well. I have a LONG way to go but I have started. That is what matters.<br />
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I am sure I will have roadblocks and many struggles along the way but with God on my side I will get there...<br />
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Thanks for your prayers. #trustGodKarenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-55650962284770740412018-02-23T10:27:00.000-05:002018-02-23T10:27:35.472-05:0076 Days and a High School Auditorium ChairMay 10, 2018. What significance does that day have? Well, Anna has her spring band concert that night. That is 76 days from the day I am writing this post.<br />
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Okay, so what does that matter? Well, last night I went to Anna's winter band concert and couldn't fit in the chair. I sat out in the cafeteria for the first 3 bands then squished myself partially into a chair in the auditorium for her 3 songs and then left. By the time her songs were finished my right foot and leg were asleep and my upper legs were sore. Not only was this painful but it was humiliating!!!<br />
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I weighed myself on Wednesday morning for my program that I am on (not really) and weighed 451.2 pounds. When I went home last night I weighed 461.3. I gained 10 pounds in one day. I am retaining a lot of water right now and am worried about that but still, no matter what the cause, I am still grotesquely obese. Something has to change. <br />
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So, for my first goal I have 76 days to safely lose enough weight to fit better in the Grove City High School Auditorium chair. Will I fit perfect? Nope. But I will be able to sit in the chair and enjoy the concert. <br />
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What does this entail? First, making better choices for my meals. I eat out lunch and dinner every day unless the Baltzers have taken pity on me and invite me over for dinner :) THIS HAS TO STOP (not the Baltzer's dinner invites but the eating out). There is no reason that I can not purchase healthy food items to bring to lunch every day. We have a microwave to cook food in, we have an instahot water system, we have a small fridge to keep things in. No excuse. <br />
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Second, I sit at home almost every night playing computer games and watching tv. I can give up 1/2 hour of computer time to add some exercise. Yes I hurt but that does not mean I can't use the bands that I received from RealAppeal and do some exercises while I sit. I can still watch tv while doing these things. I can also still walk my 2 laps around the warehouse DAILY - no excuses.<br />
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Third, I can stop focusing on me. I can do these things to make a difference but I need to also quit feeling sorry for myself. I truly believe that God didn't create me to stay this way. As I have mentioned in a previous post I don't know what is in store for me. All I know is that my internal health is doing very well. I have perfect cholesterol, blood pressure and everything else. I have horrible knees but you would too if you carried so much extra weight for 50 years and were clumsy in your earlier days. <br />
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76 days. With God's help I can fit in that chair. I can take this first step to being the person He wants me to be. Not the failure I still struggle with seeing. <br />
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Dear Heavenly Father,<br />
Thank you for creating days. Thank you for knowing that even when we feel our worst you know just what encouragement we need. Thank you for, once again, not giving up on me. I can't say how these next 76 days are going to go but I do know that if I truly let you be in charge I will fit in that chair. You know my heart. You know every detail about me. Help me to find the good that you created in me. Not in a selfish or egotistical way but in a way that will glorify You. A way that will show others that when they hit their lowest point and highest weight that is where You get to begin. <br />
Thank you for Your love.<br />
In Jesus' name,<br />
Amen<br />
<br />Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-41003063433531904412018-01-24T11:29:00.002-05:002018-01-24T11:29:25.696-05:00Legacy - What's MineChicago Med was on last night. It is a show that follows the doctors at a hospital in Chicago (go figure?) The episode last night had me really struggling. There was a patient that was brought in because she had been struggling with Anorexia. She had been fighting the disorder for 15 years. At one point the Psychologist talked her into having a feeding tube put in her nose with 3000 calories of food. As soon as the food started to go through the tube she pulled it out and refused to have the treatment. She had had enough. She died a few hours later.<br />
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Now how does this relate to me and why did I struggle so much after watching? Anorexia is a much more severe eating disorder than obesity but in some ways they have a lot in common. Both have to do with emotions, both have to do with control. Watching this character (the actress actually looked anorexic) not want to fight for her life made me stop and ask myself why I'm doing the same thing to the other extreme? <br />
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I have "been" on a program called RealAppeal for the last 9 months. This is a FREE program through my insurance company. It gave me the scales, measuring cups, smoothie mixer, books, recipes, weekly meetings and computer information to lose the weight. I should be down 100 lbs by now. I have not lost anything. I fluctuate between 440-455. <br />
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So in my thinking and the way my mind works I am trying to figure out what my reasoning is to lose this weight. I have not children of my own, I have never been married or even on a date, no one ever comes over to my apartment, I work at a great company but am not doing anything there to make a difference, every time I try to help someone in need it goes no where. I just don't know why I should lose the weight and try to be around another 30 years. Especially if I lose the weight I will need to have skin removal surgery and I don't have the time or the money for that expensive things. Even if I learn to save money I don't get paid for any days off that I take so...<br />
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All the kids I have been doing things for are getting older and we spend less time together. Clayton and I used to do things all the time together. Now he has been married for a few years, lives in Arlington, Ohio and I see him a few times a year. Occasionally I will get a snapchat from him but that is about all. Philip is in college and works, Matthew lives on campus now. When we play games sometimes it is like pulling teeth to get Anna to play. I'm just not needed as much anymore. It is really hard to admit that. I know that being needed isn't what should define me or my legacy but it still hurts. <br />
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Last night I cried out to God to show me a reason to fight. A reason to want to get healthy. A legacy that I can provide. I told Him that I know He should be all I need but that is hard for me to do. <br />
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Today, as I am writing this, I keep "hearing" a "still small voice" in my head telling me to just lose the weight and trust. That there is something wonderful waiting for me and that it will be worth the fight. Now, if I can just listen and obey. <br />
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Dear Heavenly Father,<br />
Thank you for your love. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for allowing each one of us to vent, cry, feel sorry for ourselves, question our purpose. Thank you for just being you. Thank you for the "still small voice" that You are speaking to me today. Please help me to listen. But not to just listen but to heed the voice. Help me to trust that You have something bigger, better and more beautiful waiting for me. Help me to stop being in my head and to get into your word. Lord, I am scared, I am frustrated, I am angry. Help me to let those feelings go and to learn from them and to start living a life that is pleasing to you. A life that will direct others to your love, your legacy and your salvation. In Jesus' name, Amen<br />
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Philipians 4:13 - I can do all this through him who gives me strength (NIV)<br />
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-80618007280541495202017-06-15T10:53:00.001-04:002017-06-15T10:59:22.142-04:00Wow, it's been almost a year since I last posted. I wish I could do this more often but I just get so easily sidetracked. <br />
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So, my 50th birthday finally arrived 4 days ago. For two years I had planned and dreamed of going to a dude ranch out west. My goal was to lose 200 lbs and to be able to enjoy things that I had never dreamt I would do. I have since gained weight. I now weigh over 440lbs. I struggle with walking, standing and doing so much more. I hate who I have let myself become. There is no excuse. I remet my dad last year and that is going great!!! I have so many people who love me. I am otherwise healthy. I have a great job. And most importantly I have a God who loves me more than anything. <br />
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So, why am I still this obese? Why do I continue to stick to my victim mentality and laziness? What needs to happen to get me off my backside and get working on becoming the person that God wants me to be? <br />
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Let me tell you about how my 50th birthday actually went. I have been in the process of buying a little house since April. Things have hit a big snag but that is for a later post.<br />
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I got up Sunday morning and was actually happy it was my birthday even though I had accomplished nothing that I wanted originally. I went to church and received several birthday greetings. We then went to Texas Roadhouse so I could get my "Dude Ranch" "experience". It was a small group, Polly, Tim, Micah, Phil, Sue, Ryan, Joshlyn and Andrew. We had a great time. <br />
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I showed up to Bible Study at 5:30 like normal. We started to eat about 10 minutes later. Then the doorbell at Polly & Tim's rang. Polly said it was Philip for me. I figured he must have bought me some balloons or something so I cautiously opened the door. There before me was around 30 people who had come to celebrate my birthday!!! One by one they came in the door. People that I hadn't seen in a long time. All to share my birthday. Polly had arranged it for me and I had NO CLUE!!! To say the tears flowed is an understatement. There ultimately was around 52 people with a few others that couldn't make it sending cards. A beautiful cake made by Sheri Finley was displayed. Tim hung a birthday present pinata on the basketball hoop outside. Yep, I was blindfolded and spun in a circle. <br />
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I finally got home at 10:30 Sunday evening. Words will never be able to describe what an amazing night it turned out to be. <br />
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Yesterday we got to celebrate Micah's 12th birthday. Just a few of us eating dinner and playing games. After dinner Philip gave me a hard bound book that all of the 18 nieces and nephews had made for me. Each page was dedicated to one child and they had either written something to me or the mom had said/written something. It is the most beautiful gift I think I have ever received. <br />
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What has made me want to write this post is because of that book. As I turned the pages the notes became more detailed. Reading them made me stop and wonder who they were writing about. Because, I don't see myself as a Godly example that they talk about. I don't see myself as someone they should look up to. I see myself as an overweight, lazy, selfish person who hasn't truly given her whole self to God because of the fear of what He will ask me to do. <br />
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I want to be the person that these young people can truly look up to. Not because I want the attention and love but because it is what God has called me to be. He has not given me children of my own but he has surrounded me with so many young people. I not only have an opportunity but I have a responsibility to lead by example. Sometimes even more so than even a parent because a child will sometimes struggle with a parent/child relationship but an adult that is close to them will be watched and may have a different influence that the child will respond to. <br />
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Lord, help me to be the woman that these young people think I am. Help me to see that I am not just the overweight, lazy, selfish person that I see. Help me to open my eyes to what others see and not just the negative. Lord there has to be something in me for those children to write what they did. Show me. Not so that I can become conceited but so that I can be an example of what it means to truly live for You. I thank you Lord for each and everyone of those children. I am blessed beyond measure. Help me to remember that. To know that I am loved and that what I see in myself is not what you made me to be. Help me to know that if I want to be the woman they see then I can be. One step at a time, I can be that Godly example. In Jesus' name, AmenKarenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-34814967961675469102016-07-20T20:18:00.000-04:002016-07-20T20:18:09.802-04:00A prayer answered - Where to go from here?I haven't written about this because I didn't even know how to write it. I didn't know my feelings. I didn't know what to say.<br />
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As you have read in earlier blog posts my parents were separated when I was 7 months old and divorced when I was 1 1/2. I saw my dad on and off until I was 8. At that time he came up to visit at Christmas. We took him to a small airport not too far from my house as he was learning to fly. He promised that he would call and send cards and see us as often as possible. That never happened. <br />
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Every day after school I would rush home to check the mail to see if the letter came. Every birthday and holiday I would wait to see if the present came or the call came to wish me whatever it happened to be. It never happened.<br />
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A few months ago his name appeared on Facebook and since my cousin had friended him I thought I would as well. I never posted anything or said anything to him as I wasn't convinced it was him. On my birthday the first message I got was from him. To say I was surprised was an understatement. 40 years between birthday wishes. I sent him a message and asked him to tell me something that only he and I would know to prove it was him. A week or so later I got an instant message from him saying he had tried to send me an email but he had the wrong address. I gave him the right address and he forwarded the email. It was him. <br />
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We have exchanged several emails and phone calls since that time. He explained that at the time he left, mom gave him an ultimatum. Be a Husband and dad or nothing. I explained that it was very hard on me because I have felt my entire life that I was never good enough to fight for. He knows he should have fought for us and he does regret it. It cost him his children. <br />
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I am thankful that God has answered that prayer in His time. I don't know why it took almost 41 years and why I got the one response from him 26 years ago and then nothing. I guess it wasn't the right time. I look forward to getting to know him and Carol and her children.<br />
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The where to go from here part is that I have used the excuse of my dad abandoning me and mom not being there emotionally all these years as a way to be the victim. Those excuses are gone. My dad did love us and just wasn't able to be a grown up about it. My mom did the best she could being a mom and dad. She probably had some guilt about him not being in our lives as well. <br />
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I am a grown up now. I am not the lost little girl who feels abandoned. But this is all I have ever known. This person. The one who uses every excuse to avoid the work, avoid the relationships, to avoid being who God wants me to be. I am SO SCARED!!! I just don't even want to turn it over to God and truly let go. I want to hold onto the excuses. To continue to be who I am even though I don't like this person. I have wasted so many years being someone that has missed out on so much and I hate that. I am just so "comfortable" in being that person that I don't want to do the work to become someone different, someone that can make a difference.<br />
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I am still praying for that actor I mentioned a few posts ago. I so want to reach out to him and explain the truth to him but I don't know how to do it without sounding judgmental. I don't know why this particular person was put on my heart. I truly think God is calling me to reach out to him but my fear of stepping out of my comfort zone continues to haunt me. Stopping me from doing what I am asked to do. <br />
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So, I guess if you are reading this please pray that I start realizing that my past is not who I am. That I will be able to truly turn it over to God and to let it go. To become the person that He wants me to be. The person who can spread His truth without fear.<br />
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God bless,<br />
KarenKarenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-24349173707285039482016-05-28T22:45:00.002-04:002016-05-28T22:45:32.540-04:00RegretsRegrets, Webster defines it as: <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I hate that word. It should be a word that is not allowed to be spoken or felt. Yesterday I NEEDED to call my brother. I was driving to the city to get some permits and I was in tears because we hardly ever talk. It was just something that I had to do. Last night I was able to call him and he actually answered his phone. We only talked for a few minutes but it was so nice to hear his voice.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Today I was going over to drop off Mikayla's present for Phil and Sue to take to Georgia tomorrow and I drove down Alkire. I came to the bridge. It went from a bridge that 2 cars could barely get through at the same time to a bridge that is so big they could probably bring a ferris wheel through. It reminded me that mom never got to see that. We went through that old bridge hundreds of times. She would have laughed at the new bridge. It was done several years ago but since she has been gone for 6 1/2 years she didn't get to see it. Then I went by my street that I grew up on. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">It just really hit me that I miss my life when I was growing up. But it is not what you would think. I was a very sad young lady. I was selfish, I was angry, I hurt for the abandonment that my dad did. I hurt that my mom was so sad that she gave up on life when I was young. I was sad that I wasn't desirable. I miss that I wasted the last 48 years. I have had so many opportunities and blessings. I have walked away from so much. I was in honors orchestra in middle school but I walked away. I never took my lunch tray up because I was afraid of people. I didn't join the school plays, I didn't join the softball team. I let my anger and fears rob me of a life. God has answered so many of my prayers over the years and I still waste each opportunity. I look at pictures of me even 7 years ago when I was losing weight. If I had just kept going I would have been at a healthy weight for at least 5 years. But no, I turned right back to food. I got depressed again. </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I have signed up for a weight loss challenge that is over a month gone and today I ate a cheeseburger, 2 chicken strips from Raising Canes, Potato Salad, a huge piece of chocolate cake, chips, a burrito, a taco, a cake pop and 1/2 of a lunch bag of candy. I haven't been to the gym in almost 2 weeks. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">Last year I wrote that I wanted to go on a trip for my 50th birthday. That is only 54 weeks away. I should have been 1/2 my size by now and had several hundred dollars saved up. Heck, someone even gave me $500 towards that trip last year and I have spent it. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">I know that I can't let all the regrets over these 48 years cause me to give up. I know that I need to use them and that I am still breathing and as long as the Lord gives me breath I can make the changes needed to be healthy both physically and emotionally but I just don't have the energy to let go of the regrets. Satan is having way to much power in my life and sometimes I find it so hard to fight him. I just want to hide in my dirty apartment and say what the heck. If I just stay here long enough then all the things the doctors say about a morbidly obese person will finally come true. That thinking then makes me feel even more depressed. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">Okay, wow, my posts lately have not been very happy. I truly do know I am blessed and I know that God is with me. It is just so hard because I don't feel like I can talk to people about these deep feelings because I have been such a negative person and I would get tired of hearing me say the same things over and over again. I know I sound like a broken record most of the time. This blog is becoming my outlet. I have been to several counselors, I have people praying for me. I am just not sure what it is going to take to get me moving in the right direction. It is just easier to be like this. Again, if you read this blog, thank you for praying. Please note that this is sort of a way for me to write out my prayer requests. My way to let the Lord know what is really on my heart. I know He knows it all and that He is with me and loves me. One day soon I will get my act on the right tract.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">Thank you Lord for letting me cry and vent and list all my heart on this blog. I know that my information is pretty much the same every time that I cry out to you and that it is nothing new to You. Thank you that despite all of that You continue to love me. Amen</span></span>Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-2604928210193137722016-05-24T19:02:00.000-04:002016-05-24T19:02:39.666-04:00Netflix and Sin<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">Strange title I know. Sometimes my brain works in weird
ways. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">I was introduced to Netflix in late summer or early fall of 2015.
I have watched A LOT of tv shows. I enjoy the fact that most of
them have the entire seasons available so I can just keep watching. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">I have recently finished watching a series on there that was
really good. What I find I do when I watch a show is get fixated (for
lack of a better word) on one of the actors. What I then do is research
that person on the World Wide Web. What I found out about this
particular actor actually surprised me. I figured he was married with a
few kids or had been in several relationships. What I didn't expect to
find is that he has struggled with depression most of his life. He has
tried to take his own life and finally "came out" in public not that
long ago. </span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">This completely caught me off guard. Not sure why. In
Hollywood you never know what you will find and a lot of what you read/hear is
not real anyway. This time, however, I watched a speech he made that
explained all of this. In one part of the speech he mentioned that he now
felt a part of a community. In a book we just finished reading at our
Bible Study there was a part about a gang member who tried going to church but
he was treated better by the gang he was in then the people at the church.
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<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">I have been so burdened by this actor for the last couple of
weeks. I pray for him every night. I want him to see the truth.
Not my truth but the truth of God. I just read an article about
homosexuality. It was in correlation to all the sins found in 1 Timothy
1:8-10</span><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"> </span><i style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">(<span class="versenum"><span style="box-sizing: border-box;"><b><span style="background: white;"><span id="en-ESV-29688" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">8 </span></span></b></span><span class="text"><span style="background: white;">Now we know that the law is good, if one uses it
lawfully,</span></span></span><span class="versenum"><span style="box-sizing: border-box;"><b><span style="background: white;"><span id="en-ESV-29689" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">9 </span></span></b></span><span class="text"><span style="background: white;">understanding this, that the law is not laid down
for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners,
for the unholy and profane, for those who strike their fathers and mothers, for
murderers,</span></span></span><span class="versenum"><span style="box-sizing: border-box;"><b><span style="background: white;"><span id="en-ESV-29690" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">10 </span></span></b></span><span class="text"><span style="background: white;">the sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality,
enslavers,<span data-fn="#fen-ESV-29690b" data-link="[<a href="#fen-ESV-29690b" title="See footnote b">b</a>]" style="box-sizing: border-box;"></span></span><span class="footnote"><span style="background: white;">[<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Timothy+1&version=ESV#fen-ESV-29690b" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; cursor: pointer;" title="See footnote b"><span style="color: #b34b2c; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">b</span></a>]</span></span></span><span class="text"><span style="background: white;">liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound<span data-fn="#fen-ESV-29690c" data-link="[<a href="#fen-ESV-29690c" title="See footnote c">c</a>]" style="box-sizing: border-box;"></span></span><span class="footnote"><span style="background: white;">[<a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Timothy+1&version=ESV#fen-ESV-29690c" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; cursor: pointer;" title="See footnote c"><span style="color: #b34b2c; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">c</span></a>]</span></span></span><span class="text"><span style="background: white;"> doctrine,</span></span></span><span style="background: white;"> <span class="versenum"><span style="box-sizing: border-box;"><b><span id="en-ESV-29691" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">11 </span></b></span><span class="text">in accordance with the
gospel of the glory of the blessed God with which I have been
entrusted.)</span><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></i><span class="text"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">and spoke about how all the other
sins are still frowned upon in today's society but homosexuality is actually
applauded, celebrated and becoming prevalent. </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;"><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">I am not writing this trying to be "better"
than anyone else. I, in fact, am a still a sinner. I struggle with
so many things. The good news is that I have a personal relationship with
Jesus. I struggle every day to make choices that will please Him and
honor Him. That is evident in the fact that I still weigh over 400 lbs
and have money problems. But I do know where my hope comes from. I
do struggle with depression as you saw in my last post. And I know that
my sins are no different than homosexuality. I just pray for this actor
that somehow he will hear the truth. That he will turn from this sin and that he will come to know Christ. I am working on the plank in my
eye so I want to reiterate that I am not judging him. That is not my place.
My job is to pray for him. Pray for all those who have made that
choice. Pray for Christians who struggle with sin. We are not
perfect. We never will be. We just need to remember that Christ
died on that cross for each and every one of us. That no matter what our
sin is, we can be forgiven and we can turn from that sin. We don't have
to continue living in it. </span></div>
</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 18.4px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background: white; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; line-height: 115%;"><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;">Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for what you are doing
in my life. Thank you that even though I continue to make choices that
are opposite than what You want for me, You have not given up on me.
Thank you that I can pray for someone that I have never even met.
Someone that for whatever reason You have laid on my heart. Help us
both to change. Help us both to turn to you for our happiness, our love,
our knowledge that we are loved. That no matter what anyone says or does
that You love us. You want the best for us. Lord, I know what I
need to do and I pray that I do it. I pray that this actor you laid on my
heart will somehow hear your word and know what he needs to do. That only
through you can he find the happiness and love he has been missing all his
life. If you can use me besides the prayer, please help me to be bold.
Lord, I do love you, I do want to do the right things and I know that if
I just step aside and let you work that you have amazing things for me.
In Jesus' name, Amen</span></div>
</span>Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-48532862838326112742016-04-17T00:51:00.000-04:002016-04-17T00:51:03.164-04:00The power of wordsI am sitting here at 12:16 in the morning on a Saturday night/Sunday morning. Earlier today I went to see Anna play her flute for her middle school solo and ensemble contest. Her grandparents, Annie and I were all waiting in the cafeteria for Anna's scores. We were talking about a police officer who was shot and killed earlier last week. Annie asked what had happened. Sue started telling her and at one point I chimed in with a comment trying to add to the details of the story. I guess it must have struck a nerve with Sue because she looked at me and said, "do you want to tell it?" I said no. <br />
<br />
Now, that doesn't seem like it should be that life altering. But, unfortunately, to me it was an affirmation that I am a know-it-all and busy-body. NOW before you all go telling Sue I said this (even though at this point I am sure I am the only one who reads my blog). I can tell you that was not her intention. <b>It is purely my insecurities coming out.</b> I want so bad to never cause her to be mad at me that when she gets frustrated, whether directly with me or because of something else and I happen to be the person that receives her reaction, it hurts. It, by far, does not happen often. I very seldom see her get upset with people in that aspect. But the few times that it has happened where I have been the recipient of it, I have hurt for days. I continue to dwell on it. I get more upset the longer I think about it. I have been crying on and off since around 5pm this evening. Every time I lay down I start running over in my head how I will apologize to her for interrupting. I want to just step away from the entire family. I get it in my head that if I say or do anything that I will be annoying everyone. <br />
<br />
It is just so hard. The older I get and the longer I am alone the more I struggle with the fact that I am just tolerated by people. Sure, people say I am nice sometimes but then why don't they want to hang out with me? Why have I never been on a date? Why does no one ever want to come over? Why am I alone more than I am with people? It just makes me think that I am just not lovable and there is something seriously wrong with me. In my head I know that is not true. But in my heart all I can see is the loneliness, all the times that I annoy even myself with how I say things to people and react to things. If I annoy even myself then how much more do I do that to others. I try so hard to be someone that jokes with people and yet is there for them as well. But my jokes and attempt at a sense of humor and my "help" just tends to put people off. I don't know how to do it any other way. <br />
<br />
I know that God has me here for a purpose. I just struggle with what it is. When I do things for people I feel like I am only doing them if it benefits me. I feel like I am not doing it for the right reasons. I find that I am very judgmental of people and that I take my insecurities out on those that can't benefit me in someway. <br />
<br />
It is 14 months until my 50th birthday and I have not lost a pound. I have medical bills I can't pay and so am not saving any money for this grand trip I so want to go on next year. <br />
<br />
See, just one small statement from a dear lady has caused me to spiral into this horrible abyss.<br />
<br />
Lord, I know that the feelings I am experiencing are not ones you want me to have. I know you created me in your image and you are beautiful. I just struggle so much with these insecurities, this fear, this loneliness. I don't know how to let it go. I only know how to dwell on these things and the longer I do, the worse they get. I get so frustrated with myself for feeling this way and yet I can't pull myself up out. Please Lord, carry me through this and help me to see that I am not a person that is just tolerated. I know that I am not supposed to worry about what others think of me but if I can't even like myself then how do I expect others to like me? How do I expect you to like me? Lord, I struggle so much with truly giving you everything. I know in my head as well that you are who you say you are but I have been disappointed by so many people including myself in my life that I have a hard time even trusting you. Even when I've seen your work. Please don't give up on me. Please just hug me right now. That is probably the hardest of all. Not having anyone here to physically hug me, to listen to me, to tell me it's okay and that I am loved. That I am not as bad as I think I am. Help me to not rely on others. Help me to just know that you are enough. I know it says it in Your word. It is just sometimes I don't feel it. Lord, I do love you. In Jesus' name, amen<br />
<br />
Thanks for reading. Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-75822397421358008582015-07-30T10:54:00.000-04:002015-07-30T10:56:01.853-04:00The Power of a ComplimentYesterday my co-worker was talking to one of our plumbers on the phone and she said something about putting on makeup the next day and having me put on make up too. The plumber said that it wouldn't take much because I was already beautiful. <br />
<br />
I lost it!!! Why is it so easy to believe the bad stuff but when a nice compliment comes my way I have so much trouble believing it? I know that he was being funny and I even texted him because I was not able to talk and he texted back, "True beauty starts from within...apparently yours has overflowed. Your welcome." WOW.<br />
<br />
So then I opened a Dove mint chocolate candy and this is what the wrapper said:<br />
<br />
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<br />
I love God's sense of humor and the way He communicates. <br />
<br />
So, this taught me to just say "thank you". Still struggling with believing the compliment but...<br />
<br />
God bless,<br />
KarenKarenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-74424466809651620502015-06-15T15:35:00.000-04:002015-06-15T15:35:29.791-04:00The next two years...So, today is my 48th birthday. Yep, I admitted it. I am only 2 years away from the big 5-0. When I was a kid, 30 was old, now I am 18 years past that time.<br />
<br />
Well, last night as I was preparing to spend some time with God it hit me that I have not done a lot of living in those 48 years. I have just existed. I have truly been blessed with so many people and my needs have always been met but there is so much out there and I have already missed so much. <br />
<br />
So, while talking with God He and I came up with a goal (at least I pray it is our goal and not just mine.) Starting today, June 11, 2015 I will spend the next two years working on getting the weight off and saving up money for a very special trip on my 50th birthday. Where will I go? I have no idea. I just know that it will be doing something that I didn't think I would ever do and will give me an opportunity to glorify God in the process.<br />
<br />
Over this next two years I will also try to step out of my comfort zone and become more bold in my beliefs. I have been saved for over 23 years now and again, have been too afraid to put myself out there and witness for God. I was not put on this earth to be a lukewarm Christian. He wants each of us to lead people to Him and that is what I want to do. These steps may not be big but they will hopefully open someone's eyes to what God has to offer as a free gift.<br />
<br />
So, if you are still reading my blog then I ask for prayer. Saving money and weightloss are two of the most difficult things I have ever done so I will need all the prayers that I can get. <br />
<br />
God bless each one of you.<br />
Karen<br />
<br />
<span class="passage-display-bcv">Jeremiah 29:11</span><span class="passage-display-version">New International Version (NIV)</span><br />
<div class="left-1 child-first-line-1 top-05">
<span class="text Jer-29-11" id="en-NIV-19647"><sup class="versenum">11 </sup>For I know the plans<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-19647A" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-19647A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)"></sup> I have for you,” declares the <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span>, “plans to prosper<sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-19647B" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-19647B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)"></sup> you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.</span><br />
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<span class="text Jer-29-11" id="en-NIV-19647"><sup class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-19647C" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-19647C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)"></sup></span></div>
Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-2018922990041441772014-10-31T13:48:00.000-04:002014-10-31T13:49:04.177-04:00Having a voice<span style="font-size: x-small;">I am sitting here at work and have a lot of things to do but my mind just keeps running through something and since my computer is broke at home I need to get it written down. I will keep this short (sort of).</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">I am so blessed to have an amazing group of Godly friends that I spend the majority of my time with. I would not trade them for the world but sometimes I just feel like I am a spectator with the group. That my voice isn't important enough unless we are deciding on where to go to lunch after church on a Sunday. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">For so long I have just gone along with what everyone else says and does. I have these wonderful ideas but I am so afraid to share them because I don't want to "rock the boat" and risk any of them from not liking me or thinking I am stupid. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Now, I know that I am normally paranoid. This is nothing new and I am sure you picked up on this over the last 7 years. But here are some examples of my thought process. I have wanted to have a group of people who will walk in the Relay for Life with the American Cancer Society in June each year. I wanted to do it the June after Penny died but as soon as I brought it up her husband went kind of crazy and told me that he wouldn't be ready for something like that so I scraped the idea. Well, I have thought about it every year since 2010. This year I decided to do a group. I had one person say they would have walked but they were going to be out of town. No one else even acted like they thought it was a good idea. But when another person was walking in a different fund-raiser for a different disease everyone jumped all over it and wanted to help any way they could.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">I also follow a lot of families on Facebook. I do this so that I can pray for them. The things they are going through are heartbreaking but their faith is so encouraging. A couple of weeks ago I asked for prayer in our Bible study for a family whose baby was born with ancephaly. He only lived for 4 hours. When I mentioned that it was a family that I followed on Facebook I saw two of the people in the group look at each other like I was stupid for bringing it up. Last week another person mentioned someone else that was doing something and was trying to make sure they were doing it for the Glory of God in a national spotlight. We only know this person but from Television. Everyone was quick to pray for this person and didn't give it a second thought. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">It just seems that when I try to expand our prayers and thoughts outside of our groups needs that it gets brushed aside. Like if it doesn't relate to us as a group or wasn't someone elses idea then it is not worth pursuing or it is looked at like it was a dumb idea. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">I know I am not explaining it well but I so want to make a difference outside of my little bubble. I am so tired of wanting to help but having those ideas overlooked or just ignored. I just don't know how to do things. Sometimes I still think it would be a good idea for me to move away from here. It is just so easy for me to "go along" with the group. I want to find my voice. I want to be a leader. I want to make a difference. I want my thoughts and opinions to be respected but most of all, I want everything I think and do to glorify God and I don't think He gave me this desire to help others outside of "our group" for no reason. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Now to just figure out how to step away from the "norm" and do what He is calling me to do.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Please pray if you read this any more. I know that if no one does, at least God knows my heart and I just need to trust Him that maybe He wants me to expand my circle of believers as well. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">God bless,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Karen</span>Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-56225212647177327792014-06-08T00:17:00.000-04:002014-09-17T15:01:33.198-04:00That time of year...<span style="font-size: x-small;"> Wow, it is, once again, that time of year. In 4 days I will be celebrating another birthday. This one is bringing me even closer to that mid-century mark. 47 sounds so scary. Just yesterday I was 20 years old. Today I'm celebrating Ryan Ott's graduation from High School. I remember when his mom didn't think she would ever have any more children after Mike. Next year, Philip and Amber will be graduating and in about 7 weeks or so, Clayton will be getting married.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> I had great plans earlier this year to get a lot of weight off in time for Clayton's wedding. I weighed myself on Wednesday and I am 1 pound less than my heaviest that I have ever been. 435 lbs. There are Middle Linebackers on professional football teams that weigh less than me. (and they are much taller as well). I am struggling in a lot of area's physically. I meet with Brandon every week and I am so thankful. (He is a grad student at OSU in Psychology). We talk about a lot of stuff and he has helped me tremendously but I AM STILL OVER EATING, GAINING WEIGHT AND NOT EVEN TRYING. I don't know what God has to do to get me to change. I don't want Him to have me end up in the hospital. I want to change. I want to be able to walk down to the mailbox, I want to sit in the seats at the high school when Philip and Matthew have a performance. I want to do so many things. There is a whole world out there and I can't do any of it right now because I am so overweight that I can hardly move. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> I wanted to participate in the Relay for Life this year. (I think that was in an earlier post) but I can't even take a shower without being in pain. There is no way I can walk around the track even one time. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> These last 5 years have been the most challenging of my life. 2009 was the year when mom started getting really bad and Penny was diagnosed with cancer. Dan basically stopped talking to mom and me except on occasion. Mom then tried to take her life that September. She didn't succeed but she passed away 4 months later. I also hurt my shoulder in December of 2008 so my working out was slowing down as well. Then I hurt my Achilles in 2009. In January of 2010 was when Grandma died. She was 101 but still I felt guilty about that because I never got down to see her. Then Penny died in February of 2010. Then I had Achilles surgery in March of 2010 and quit my job at the Athletic Club after 13 1/2 years. Then Brandy (my favorite cat - don't tell Sami), died that same month. Then I started having trouble paying my mortgage. Now, if I hadn't eaten out all the time and tried to do better on managing the money God was giving me, I probably could have afforded the home but that is another area that I struggle with (besides food). So for the next few years I struggled with paying my bills, dealing with Penny's death, the guilt from Grandma's death and the severe guilt of mom's suicide attempt and finally death. I know I could have been a better daughter. Especially towards the end. I only did things for her because it was my "job" as her daughter and didn't hesitate to let her know. She told the hospital person the reason she tried to kill herself was because I wouldn't let her hug me and I wouldn't tell her I love her. Then when she passed away, I felt sadness but I also felt relief that the whole having to take care of her was over. She was very dependent on me and had pretty much pushed others away. There was not a day that went by in the last few years that she didn't call me to stop and get her a tea or a pack of cigarettes (even though she was on oxygen full time). I struggle so much, to this day, with the guilt of feeling relief. I should miss her terribly but the way she was the last few years, especially, was not good. It was so hard to watch. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> So, in 2013 I filed Bankruptcy because of my house going into foreclosure. I did not want to be like mom and Danny with finances and yet, here I was, filing bankruptcy. Then we got a new Director of Catering at work and she made sure that no matter what I did she was watching me. She even told me at one point that I needed to stop helping others so much because they needed to make mistakes so they could learn. I was told to take the rest of a Friday off and go to the river and journal because I was so upset by having her watching everything I did. Well, I had good reason. On October 29th of 2013 I was called to the HR Director's office and told that I had not followed up on a Direct Bill application and since that could have cost the company money and all the "other little things" they had talked to me about that I was being fired. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> The Friday before that Phil fell and broke his hip. That Saturday I moved into an apartment and prepared to turn my house over to the bank. That Sunday there was an all church meeting at Immanuel and basically I officially left Immanuel. There was a lot of lies being told about people and a lot of them originated at the top so I couldn't continue to worship there. So, in 5 days my whole world turned upside down. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> I found a temp job and am currently finishing up there after 6 months with no prospects of another job. I had to cash out my 401K and roll most of it into an IRA but took $3,000 to catch up on some bills. I totaled my car in May of 2013 as well. Bought a clunker and had to get a new car in January of 2014. I felt guilty telling the people at the dealership that it was too expensive of a car so I bought it anyway. Between that and the insurance going up over $50/month I couldn't keep up with my bills again.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> So, I know I have left some things out and I know that God has been carrying me in a lot of these situations (other wise I don't think I would have made it) but I am still turning to food and still feeling sorry for myself. It is such a struggle, especially when I hurt the way I do. I look around at my apartment and just see a mess. Boxes on a chair, junk everywhere. And instead of working through the pain I just sit down and play on the computer. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> In so many ways I know that I am growing. I talk more about God and my faith but I need to show it as well!!!! </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> Dear Heavenly Father,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> Thank you for loving me. Even when I continually make these choices that are so against what You want for me. Thank you for carrying me through these last 5 years, and the many before. I do love You and I know that You are growing me through all of this. I just pray that starting right now, my choices will be honoring to you. That I will stop thinking of myself and all of my earthly disappointments and focus on what You have done for me and will continue to do for me if I only let you. Thank you for Pastor Travis and his Biblical messages!! Thank you for the challenges that he gives. Thank you for the fiction books that I read that You use to touch me. Please help me to crave your word even more than anything. Please help me to know that this weight issue can be used for good. Lord, I don't want to stay this heavy. I want to be able to do things with the kids, I want to have a healthy relationship with people, and if You are willing, a Godly man I can call my husband. And I know that the only way I am going to do this is by looking at you only and not on myself. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Thank you again for loving me.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">In Jesus' Name, Amen.</span>Karenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-67941318821571219822014-02-13T22:20:00.001-05:002014-02-13T22:20:14.858-05:00Core Belief...One of the things I am working on is my core beliefs. The main one right now is that I am a failure. I struggle with finding the things I do well. I am supposed to write down even the little successes. Today was not one of the success days.<br />
There are times at work that I am struggling to find things to do and then all of the sudden I have too much that has to be done in the same amount of time. Well, last night and this morning were the days when there is too much that has to be done. I had to get multiple quotes to Honda before lunch time. Well, I sent them to the Honda contact and then remembered that I didn't remove an internal sheet before I hit send. Tony was very upset. Then, later in the day he asked me for something and we just don't communicate well. I was so frustrated and he was frustrated. I just don't know how to change it. I truly don't want to be doing this job and haven't wanted to for awhile but I want to fulfill my commitment and I am thankful for a job. I am just so afraid that doing anything wrong will cause me to lose my job again before I have something else lined up.<br />
Then, I went to the Grove City band concert tonight and couldn't fit in the seats. It was so embarrassing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <br />
So, there you go, the failure thoughts are far out weighing the successful thoughts today. Tomorrow is another day.<br />
Thanks for any prayers.<br />
KarenKarenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-28900920647291544222014-02-12T21:29:00.001-05:002014-02-12T21:44:44.812-05:00Pennys for PennyOn this day, 4 years ago, Penny went to her eternal home. I still miss her so much. There are still days that I feel like I can just give her a call. <br />One of the things that I wanted to do 4 years ago was raise money for Cancer research through Relay for Life. I started something but Dustin really had a fit and didn't want me to do something without his okay. I have always wanted to do something each year since but was afraid of what his and others reactions would be. Well, today, I signed up a team for Relay for Life Grove City. The event is June 28th. 138 days from now. I really hope that people will get on board but if not, I am still going to do it.<br />I start tonight by walking in my apartment for 5-10 minutes. I will try to do more and more each day. I will also see if people who want to walk with me on Sunday's before Bible Study will meet at Polly's and start walking. I plan to be able to walk around the track 6-8 times that day.<br />If you are reading this I have 3 favors:<br />1. PLEASE PRAY - the most important request.<br />
2. If you are interested in walking on the team just let me know and we can create a training schedule<br />
3. If you can't be on the team but want to donate I will share the link and you can donate there.<br />
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Thank you and God Bless!<br />
<br />
KarenKarenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3998080770216853825.post-17195749429921370932013-09-11T20:54:00.001-04:002013-09-11T20:54:26.688-04:00Every day? Okay, every few days...So, I have missed a few days. I had a really good one from Sunday. My 11 year old niece, Anna!!! She is an amazing young lady. I am so excited that for some reason she wants to be around me whenever we are together. What a positive blessing she is!!<br />
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Monday was Monday but I am thankful about my meetings at OSU and my Behavioral Health meetings. I am looking forward to them helping me to become more of the person that God wants me to be even though they work with me on my spiritual beliefs. <br />
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Tuesday the positive was that things that went pretty good at work and that I was able to be at home last night.<br />
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Today, wow, trying to sort out my feelings on today. Today is the 12th anniversary of the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks and the crash of flight 23 in Pennsylvania. Not a year goes by that I, along with everyone else in America, doesn't remember where they were and what they were doing on this day in 2001. <br />
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Today, I also got to volunteer at the Ronald McDonald House. It is a positive that there is a safe place for families to live while they are here for the extended treatment of their sick child. Emotionally, it was hard to think about them being here for that same reason. Positively I am blessed to have 16 healthy "nieces" and "nephews" and that I don't remember ever having to go there for myself.<br />
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I also found out that I did get the apartment on Broadway. This is another area that I am struggling with. The positive is that the apartment is only $595/month, I don't have a neighbor below me, the neighbor beside me only has a laundry wall connecting, it is right by Beulah Park so I can still have people over for the Fourth of July.<br />
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The part I am struggling with is that I feel like I am 46 years old, single and make decent money and yet I am losing my house to foreclosure, I filed bankruptcy earlier this year, my "new" car is still overheating and getting worse and the transmission slips. It just seems that I should not have financial problems. But I spend all my money on eating out because I am too big to cook in the kitchen and my refrigerator is broke so I only have a small one. Also, I am having to go from a 1230 sq ft house with a garage to a 700 sq ft apartment with no garage and very little storage. It just seems like I am going backwards. <br />
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I know I am blessed. I know that God has given me ample opportunity and the thing I need to make these changes. I just have to focus on the positives and stop spending the money that God has blessed me with. In a year or two I will then be able to buy a small home and go from there.<br />
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Okay, so, pondering the positives is a struggle but I know they are there so I will try. Thanks for listening (reading).<br />
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God bless,<br />
KarenKarenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17014822188558500247noreply@blogger.com0