Karen's Journey-"Do You Want To Be Well?" John 5

Where does the time go?

2011-12-04T22:55:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it is already December 4, 2011. Only 27 days left in 2011. It sure has flown. You know. One of the things that has really bugged me the last 44 1/2 years of my life is my negativity and procrastination. I have been so down lately because I constantly am finding the negative in a situation. Then I get so angry with myself!!!!! Right now I am fighting loneliness and frustration with stupid things to continue to talk to myself negatively. Once again my silly brain is telling me I am not worth losing weight. That I am not worth it. See, THAT MAKES ME SO MAD!!!

I just started getting back into working out and I feel at work 3 weeks ago and I am still hurting. Everytime I start to do something with my legs my right leg hurts horribly. How am I supposed to work out with the pain?

Well, you know what, I start by changing my eating habits and then once I have some weight off I start slowly strengthing the right leg.

Oh well, not sure what the goal of this post is about but just pray. Please. Pray that I am so angry at myself right now that I do something positive with this anger. That I realize that if I don't like where my life is right now then I need to do something about it!!!!

Thanks,
God Bless.

Thoughts

2011-09-28T21:08:00.001-04:00

You know, one thing at work that they do every year is have a survey of employees to see how they think the company is doing and as employees, how we are being treated. One of the questions these last two years has been, "do you have a best friend at work". I can 100% say that I do not have a best friend at work. There are a few people that I really like and if I were to leave the company, I might keep in touch with but it hit me tonight that if I left the company right now there is not one person who I currently work directly with that I would keep in touch with. I am not saying that they are bad people at all. They are just as different from me as could be. I have nothing in common with any of them. They all have so much in common and love to do the same things and it is complete opposite of what I enjoy doing. I try to fit in and talk about things that they like but it really doesn't make a difference. The one person who I had even a little in common with left yesterday. She is the only one who visited me while I was recuperating from my foot surgery. I feel so lost and alone there right now. I am also struggling with what I am doing now too. I am SO THANKFUL that I have a job!!! I am truly blessed but I just feel like there has to be more to this life for me than what I am doing. I don't enjoy being an admin (at least the paperwork part). I do like the graphics and working with the clients but...

I guess, I just don't know what God wants me to do with my life beside glorify him. I would love to be able to get up almost every day and enjoy what I am doing and not just exist. I am in such a rut right now and I am hoping that He is bringing me to point where I am ready to hear and see what He wants me to do.

Please pray for guidance. If he wants me to stay where I am at pray that he would show me and bring someone along to make it a little easier. If he wants me to move on please pray that he shows me where that is going to be as well.

God bless,
Karen

Gotta get my act together...

2011-09-02T23:57:00.001-04:00

God is really working on me lately. I have been going to counseling and also to Overeaters Anonymous. I went down to the gym at the hotel on Monday and rode an exercise bike for 15 minutes and yesterday I walked on the treadmill for 23 minutes. It felt good to be able to do that but my feet were falling asleep.

I am sitting around my house looking at how destroyed the carpeting and some walls are. I am very discouraged because I can't afford to make any changes. I am 4 months behind on my mortgage and have a few other bills that I am trying to pay off. Sometimes I just want to call the bank and tell them they can have the house. I look around and want to do so much to it but I don't even know where to start because there is so much that needs to be fixed. I have contacted the bank to see about the FHA home mortgage deal and waited the month like they told me. I called them back and they said that the button to move it over to the person who has to evaluate it hadn't even been pushed yet. So, a month ago they pushed the button. In the mean time I keep falling further behind.

I still like the company I work for and for the most part, my managers but there are just a couple of people who make it not a comfortable place to work. I am so afraid of whatever I say being taken and turned around so that they make fun of me or be mean to me. I hate that I am still so sensitive that I let people do that to me. I just don't know how to "let it roll off my shoulders" as I have been told so many times. I also don't feel like I make a difference there. I am not being a good witness at work. I know the Lord puts me where He wants me but he also expects me to be a witness for Him. I just don't know how to do that. I don't know how to let go and let Him.

So, what does this all have to do with getting my act together? I am just getting to the point where I am so tired of living like this!!!!! My counselor said something last week that has stuck with me. We were talking about me not having a boyfriend or never even having a date. One of the things he asked me was the type of person I wanted. I told him someone who loved the Lord first of all, then who was established in a nice job and who was healthy. Then he asked me about if I didn't want to date or marry someone who sat around playing games on the computer all night, who didn't take care of themselves and who was sad and depressed all the time then why would the type of person I wanted to date want someone like that? Since I just basically described myself in the type I don't want it really hit home. I need to get off my backside, get busy and try to get my health and finances in order. I can't do this without His help though.

Please pray for me as I feel like I am hitting that rock bottom point that everyone needs to get to so that they can make the changes. I am scared, I have no idea where to start. I need to get my house cleaned and organized but I can't do it alone. But it is so gross that I don't want to ask anyone to come in to help. I can't afford to hire an organizer and cleaner to come in so... I just covet your prayers. Please pray that He will keep encouraging me to want to get my act together.

Thanks,
God Bless,
Karen

Feeling Needed

2011-05-02T22:36:00.002-04:00

I don't know if you are familiar with Ruby? She is a lady who was over 700 pounds and has a show on Style Network. She is down to the 300 pounds but she is gaining some weight back. This is the first season that I have been able to watch because I didn't have Style before. The one thing I have noticed about Ruby that sometimes I wish I had was the live in support system as well as the trainers, the counselor and the nutritionists that are helping her. She has people who are not afraid to stand up to her and tell her that they don't want her to die and that they want her to finish her journey because it is not just important to her but she matters so much to them that they don't want to lose her. I pray that she can continue this journey but I am writing this about my feelings.

FIRST - I don't discount all of you who have been praying and coming along side of me through this. You have all been amazing and I wouldn't have made it this far without God bringing you all into my life. SECOND - it is not anyones responsibility to try to get me to lose this weight but mine. I, with God's help, am the only one who can make the necessary changes. But there are so many times that I feel like I am just not important enough to anyone for them to come up to me and tell me that they don't want me to die and that they want me to finish this journey because I am important enough to them that they would feel an empty spot in their life if I wasn't part of it.

This all goes back to my needing validation through people. I know that this is not right and it is something that my counselor and I are trying to work on. I have not expressed these feelings to him so we haven't really talked about it but I don't know how to not feel like this.

Now, I know that I am important to you. Otherwise you wouldn't be reading this, praying for me and helping me. So, I really don't want people to actually do that but I don't want people to let me get away with things either. I need that accountability. I need people to not say, "it is okay to cheat every once in awhile" I need people to understand that if someone does ask me about something or hold me accountable that I might get frutstrated with them but that it is my defense mechanisim.

I will be talking with my counselor about these feelings. It isn't right to put this on others and I know that but I also know that I can't continue to be enabled.

I just needed to put my feelings down. They probably don't make sense and I am rambling so I will stop now. Thank you all for your love and encouragement. With God's help, I will get there. He has something wonderful in store. I just need to open the doors to my wall and let Him and others in.

I love you Lord. Thank you for my friends and family. I know that they love me. I know that if I would just ask they would be there for me. You know what I need and I thank you for that. Please continue to break me down so that I can rely on you and see that you really do have something wonderful in store if I just let you lead. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Yucky Feelings

2011-04-14T11:00:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I got up this morning very late and was extremely tired. I took one of my muscle relaxers because my back has been bothering me a little. It obviously has not left my system yet. I am still sitting here are 11am and am still very tired. I kind of had an outfit in mind but when I went to put it on it was too tight. That put me even further behind. Now I have an outfit on that I don't think is great and I feel ugly in. I guess I am just struggling with feeling ugly today. My hair is a mess, I am tired, I don't feel great and I gave away all my "fat" clothes when I was losing the weight before so I only have a few things to wear now and it is VERY FRUSTRATING. So instead of working harder today I ate these fried pizza things, chicken & dumplings and little baby potatoes smothered in butter and garlic. And a piece of a mint pie for dessert. Ugggghhhhh!!!! I am also wondering if I have offended a few people. I haven't heard from my pen-pal that I have had since 2005 in probably 10 months to a year, my friend, Maria, used to answer me all the time if I would contact her and she has not answered any of my emails or my instant messages, my friend, Kathy, was going to give me her daughters cheerleading schedule back in October and I haven't heard from her either. These are people who are very busy but who normally get back to me if I email them. Just don't know what is going on. So, there you go. My feelings suck today!!!!!! Just thought I would let you know. Karen

Insight

2011-04-05T22:56:00.003-04:00

Okay, I have been working with a counselor for the last couple of months. I really like him because he is not just focusing on one area of my obesity. He is digging deep and trying to help me with the lies that I have learned over the years. Most nights I end up crying. Tonight was especially hard. There are so many things that go back to my dad walking out of my life after making a lot of promises to me when I was 8. Also, my mom having her own issues that she didn't know how to deal with so there was not a lot of what a child needs to help them grow up strong and confident. I love my mom and I know that she did the best she could so I am not saying that she was a bad mom. There are just some things that I would have loved for her to do differently that would have probably helped my brother and I both to grow as strong people. Well, at the end of each session my counselor prays. That is the biggest thing that I like about him. Tonight he prayed again for God to open my eyes to see the truth behind the lies. The "I'm not good enough", "Something must be wrong with me", "I am a failure so why try", "everyone will leave me so I better not let them get too close" and so many more. Well, as I was driving home God layed something on my heart. There are so many of us who ask "why?" I question why my dad had to leave, why my mom couldn't be stronger, why other things happen but then as I was thinking of things, it dawned on me that maybe He has allowed these things to happen in my life because He believes that, with His help, I am strong enough to handle it. What an insight. Maybe He continues to not even open some doors or windows in area's of my life that I want so that I can realize, first, that he is not like my earthly father or mom. I don't know if that is it but I sure do thank him for showing me that little bit. Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this counselor that you brought into my life. Thank you for his listening to me and wanting to not just help me for a little while but to try to get to the reasons behind my food addiction and wanting to make it a change that will last. Thank you for showing me different things. Thank you for revealing things clearly to me. This insight tonight was very clear. Thank you that with your help I can overcome this addiction. I can become the woman you created me to be. Lord, I am scared. I have never known a healthy weight, I have never known a healthy confidence. Please continue to be with me and my counselor as we continue to explore my reasons. Please help my eyes and ears to be open and to not make excuses but to accept the part that I have had in this addiction and to be able to forgive those who have hurt me or let me down (even if they didn't but I felt like they did in a little childs mind) and especially, help me to forgive myself. Each day is a choice and Lord, I want those choices to be what you would want for me. Please make them clear. In Jesus' Name, Amen

Talk about prayers answered

2011-02-26T21:26:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow is the weigh-in for a program that Lori suggested that she, Polly, Crystal and I join. It is another 10 week program. Okay, Lord, you have given me yet another chance to lose this weight. This time it isn't all about me. There are 3 other women who will be affected by my choices these next ten weeks. So, I did my taxes earlier this week and found out that I get over $1,000 back. Now, I have a few bills to catch up so that won't leave a lot but I have been thinking of doing the personal training at the gym. But it is $300 for 6 weeks. So, tonight I went for my last supper (I know, if I am truly ready to lose weight I would start now and not tomorrow - that is another post I am sure). So, I prayed on my way home to ask if God thought it might be a good idea for the personal training. I stopped at my mailbox and got my mail. There was a letter from my Uncle. It had a final check in it from my grandma's estate. It is well enough over to cover the cost of the training and getting completely caught up on my bills when combined with my paycheck this week and the income tax.

So, I am going to talk to Josh at the gym. I trust him because he has been there since the beginning of my gym experience. He is the one who called me over when I started the first biggest loser back in 2008. He knows about my shoulder, he knows about my achilles tendon surgery, he knows about my bad knees and yet he still knows how to encourage and push at the same time. Please pray that he is available the days that I am and can be my trainer. I am excited to get this started but scared that I will blow it again.

So, that is my answered prayer.

God Bless,
Karen

Opportunities

2011-02-24T22:31:00.004-05:00

Okay, here is what has been going on. The Biggest Loser started back in January and finished last night. I went to exactly 2 weeks worth of classes. We started the "Biggest Winner" at work 2 weeks ago, I have gained 3 pounds. Lori came to me yesterday at church and said that she wanted me to be on her team along with Polly and Crystal for a 10 week challenge. That starts Sunday.

Please pray that I get moving in the right direction. Now there will be 3 other people who are relying on me as well as myself. I am scared to death.

I started counseling Tuesday night. I was crying the first 2 minutes into the session. There is so much that I need to work on with my counselor's and God's help. He seemed to ask questions that the person I went to in '09 for a few months didn't. I am pretty excited to see where this goes. One of the things that he mentioned is that he has a plan that works towards the a non-relapse. I can't wait to get started on that.

Well, we will see how it goes...

God Bless,
Karen

UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH

2011-02-03T22:01:00.002-05:00

Okay, you are probably wondering why I titled this post the way I did. Well, I don't know why I continue to sabotage myself. I am so frustrated!!! God continues to give me openings and direction to lose this weight and I continue to say, "thanks but no thanks". I have not totally gone overboard on my eating, though I am still making bad choices but I have not been to workout since last Tuesday night. Not this past Tuesday but the Tuesday before!!!

Why do I continue to make excuses for not working out, or not eating right or not paying my bills on time or letting my house become a disaster. I have come home tonight and sat here on the couch playing on the computer. I have a blister on my big toe so that is the "reason" I couldn't possibly go workout tonight.

Dear Heavenly Father, you know my heart and you know that I am struggling so badly to want to do what is right and what you ask of me but fighting you every step of the way. Please do not give up on me. I do love you and I do want to get healthy. Please help me to see what is causing me to make all these excuses and to constantly tell myself that I don't deserve to lose weight. Lord, I am so frustrated and angry with myself because I know what I need to do and I know that I need to truly turn this over to you but if I let go than that will be be another area of my life that I am not "in control of" even though staying this way I am more out of control than I ever would be trusting you for this. Lord, I am so sorry I am disappointing you. Thank you for loving me dispite my negativity and constant feeling sorry for myself attitude. I don't even really know how to pray. I have asked you so many times to help and you continually try to help me but I continue to push you away. Well, thanks Lord. Love, Karen Amen

Bi-Monthly Blessings List

2011-01-16T00:01:00.003-05:00

B.J. mentioned that she would like to see my blessing's list so I have decided to post the ones from the last 2 weeks. I will try to do this every couple of weeks. Here they are...

January 1, 2011
Lori and Megan encouraged and challenged me to write a blessing of the day down every night so that I can continue to see God working in my life. So, I am trying to figure out the best way to do this. I may keep a journal offline and then put a post at the end of 2011 so that you can also see how God has worked. I am not sure.
But for today, January 1, 2011, my blessing was that I organized my closest so that I could find my clothes that fit me right now and that I could put the ones I will be fitting into again shortly in another section to make things easier each day. Now, that doesn't sound like much to you, I am sure, but since my closet has been a disaster area for the last year or so and I struggle every day to find something to wear, this is a blessing that he helped me finish it. We talked while I was procratinating up there when I was half-way done and wanted to stop. He reminded me of the 5 hour dinner conversation I had the other night with Lori and Megan and the part about me not finishing anything I start. I got it done!!!
God bless each one of you this year. I pray that He will bring you many blessings and that you may be challenged to write those blessings down each day as well.
Thanks Lori and Megan for your encouragement and love!!! Along with so many others. I am truly blessed
January 2, 2011
I didn’t post yesterday because I was trying to figure out the best way to do this blessing journal. So, yesterday’s blessing was watching my 13 year of neice, Mikayla, become the amazing young lady she is. I am so proud of her and I love the fact that the Lord has brought her into my life!!!!
January 3, 2011
It is amazing that God can take a show like the Bachelor to help me realize that I need help to make the life changes He wants me to be and that it is okay to want that help. One of the things that I am so afraid of is that I will do the same things mom did in wanting everyone else to solve my problems for me. No one can lose this weight, no one can change my negative thinking, no one can make me see that I am loveable. Only, with God’s help can I make those changes but he can use people as well. It is okay to ask for help. It can be done without wanting the other person to do all the work. I thank Him for showing me that. This is the blessing for today. He loves me enough to bring people into my life that can help me through this struggle.
January 4, 2011
Today’s blessing was realizing that I was complaining all week about not being sure how I was going to be able to handle working an entire week since the last 3 weeks I have had a few days off and left early some of the other days. Then I realized that there are so many people in this country who don’t even have jobs or can’t find full-time jobs and I am complaining because I have a good job with a pretty good boss and I get fulltime pay. I am so thankful for that.
January 5, 2011
My blessing for today is that I walked into Cubbies tonight and Lydia, Abraham and Micah were in there and their faces lit up when I walked in the door!!! Then Kaylee came up to me after church and asked me to come to her spelling bee on Saturday!!!! What a blessing to know that those little kids love me enough to want me to be around them.
January 6, 2011
Well, one of the things I got to do today was go pickout a cake for our Employee Banquet. It is going to be a 3D replica of the Hyatt. I can’t wait. Since it was my idea I got to go and taste cake. We had one piece each and it was yellow, chocolate and vanilla bean stacked. It was very good. That was a fun opportunity that the Lord gave me. I guess the biggest blessing today, though, would be that I made it home safely. Snow started falling and though there wasn’t much accumilation the roads were wet and since the temperature was below freezing the roads became slippery. There were a couple times when I didn’t think my car would stop but He protected me. I read a Facebook post that two different friends of a local DJ had totaled their cars. I am truly thankful and that I didn’t have anywhere I had to be tonight so I got to stay home and be safe. Thanks Lord.
January 7, 2011
Today’s blessing was that I made it safely back and forth from home to work. It has snowed the last two days and it has just been enough that the roads have been wet and then frozen. My car almost didn’t stop last night. On my way to work this morning I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw a car down the embankment. I called 911 just to make sure someone came to help. They already knew about it but I did feel like it was the right thing to do. Just in case.
January 8, 2011
I got to go see Kaylee in her 1st grade spelling bee. She specifically asked me to come Wednesday night. I thought there would be several people there but it was just Grandma Sue and me. What an honor to be asked to do that. Then we got to have lunch together at Bob Evans. That part was a blessing as well. Kaylee is starting to look like her mom. Now that I look at her it is so good to see some of Penny’s looks in the kids. Especially Kaylee since she has always looked so much like Dustin. Then I got a phone call while I was at lunch to go out to dinner with Holly, Millie and Holly’s friend, Sandy. That was a lot of fun. The other thing is that I have not been overly bad today eating wise. There have been a few things but for the most part I have not gone overboard. I am very thankful for that blessing as well.
January 9, 2011
Today’s blessing is that even though I thought church started at 10am and it has been starting at 10:30am for the last at least 6 years, I was able to get some things accomplished before church. And I was able to get almost all my laundry done. Small things but…
January 10, 2011
I guess my blessing for today would be that I had a chance to meet my biological maternal grandmother about 15 years ago. Though I didn’t spend much time with her and didn’t know her well, she made mom’s last years good by calling her and being a part of her life. She died last night and it is pretty sad. I also found out that one of my uncle’s was able to reconcile with her in the last few weeks and for that I am truly thankful.
January 11, 2011
Today’s blessing is that we got more snow but it was not so bad that I made it safely home tonight. I had been worrying all day because they kept saying 3”-5” in our area. I don’t think we got that much but it was enough to cause some problems. I am also blessed because on this cold, snowy night, I am able to sit in my living room, play on the computer and watch the Biggest Loser. I have an electric blanket, a tv and heat that works. Sometimes we take those things for granted but I really am thankful and blessed to have those things. There are people who are on the streets or in a shelter with nothing. Thank you Lord for that blessing.
January 12, 2011
I guess today’s blessing would be that I finally talked with my brother. He said he has not gotten my voicemails. I asked him to at least call me on a holiday and say hey. It doesn’t have to be any more than that but I have already lost my dad by abandonment and my mom by death. Even though I am okay not to have to spend my holidays with him, I don’t want to lose touch with him. He is my brother. So, it was nice to know he was doing okay.
January 13, 2011
Sometimes it is hard to come up with a blessing. Not that they aren’t there but when there was nothing major it just seems so small. But then I just thought that the blessing doesn’t have to be something amazing. The blessing is that He allowed me to get up this morning, work all day and make it safely home this evening. I am truly thankful for that and considering what could have happened it is a blessing.
January 14, 2011
Not sure what the blessing was. I know there were some but just, again, nothing major stuck out. I guess just having an “average” day was a blessing again.

So, there you have it. The first 2 weeks of my 2011 Blessings. Some pretty big, some just regular but all a gift from God.
May God show you special moments and memories that you can realize are gifts straight from Him too.
Karen

Biggest Loser at the Gym

2011-01-14T12:01:00.002-05:00

Okay, we weighed in on Wednesday night for the next round of the Biggest Loser. I will admit that my weight was 408 pounds. I am pretty scared about starting this time because the first time I did it I had already lost about 30 pounds and didn't have a recovering achilles tendon and a partial thickness tear in my rotator cuff.

This one will be hard. Besides the above the classes are not happening until 7 or later during the week. Which means I will have to go home and then leave my house again each night to go workout and I HATE going out in the cold. Once I am in I usually stay in. The other thing is that Wednesday nights are the support team meetings but they don't start until 6:30pm each night and I have to teach Cubbies at 6:45pm. That is the one aspect that I could really use.

The Lord is in control so I pray that he will encourage me to get moving on this and protect me from further injury. Any prayers you could send up would be greatly appreciated.

I will keep you posted. The good thing is that we will be starting a similar program here at work the week of February 7th (hopefully) which will take me past the end of the Biggest Loser.

God Bless,
Karen

Blessing of the Day

2011-01-01T23:28:00.004-05:00

Lori and Megan encouraged and challenged me to write a blessing of the day down every night so that I can continue to see God working in my life. So, I am trying to figure out the best way to do this. I may keep a journal offline and then put a post at the end of 2011 so that you can also see how God has worked. I am not sure.

But for today, January 1, 2011, my blessing was that I organized my closest so that I could find my clothes that fit me right now and that I could put the ones I will be fitting into again shortly in another section to make things easier each day. Now, that doesn't sound like much to you, I am sure, but since my closet has been a disaster area for the last year or so and I struggle every day to find something to wear, this is a blessing that he helped me finish it. We talked while I was procratinating up there when I was half-way done and wanted to stop. He reminded me of the 5 hour dinner conversation I had the other night with Lori and Megan and the part about me not finishing anything I start. I got it done!!!

God bless each one of you this year. I pray that He will bring you many blessings and that you may be challenged to write those blessings down each day as well.

Thanks Lori and Megan for your encouragement and love!!! Along with so many others. I am truly blessed.

A Long Time

2010-12-22T16:01:00.006-05:00

Sorry it has been so long between posts. I have just been very discouraged with the "weight loss journey" since I have successfully put back on the 107 pounds I originally lost along with an additional 5 pounds.

The other day we went to York Steak House and I was showing the train set to one of the little girls with me. Her mom took a picture and I have it posted in the entry. When I saw this picture of me I was horrified. I know I am big and I know I look big but when you see it in a picture it really hits home what others see. Now, before you all start yelling at me that you see the inside and not the outside, etc. I understand that and I love you for it but you have to see the awful physical changes in me.

I am going to start the Biggest Loser at the gym again on January 10th and I pray that I am able to keep up and am able to start getting this weight back off.

Thanks for your prayers, love and support. I will get back on track and get this taken care of.

God Bless,
Karen

Fact versus Fiction Pt 2

2010-08-31T21:55:00.002-04:00

A week ago I was sitting around thinking of my relationship with mom. Mostly about the fact that I would get so frustrated with her because she wouldn't fight for herself. I was willing to come along side of her and help her fight but she had to be the one to want to make the choices to get better. Then I realized that I was doing the same thing. No one can fight for me to lose this weight, get healthy and open my heart to love.

So, last week I was doing okay. Not great but better. By Saturday I had lost 3 pounds of the 109 I had gained back. But this week I am struggling again. It hit me today why. Satan continues to tell me that I am not worth the fight. I don't feel lovable on the level that I crave. I want that intimate level of love but he continues to tell me that I am not lovable and never will be no matter what I do. And the thing that really makes me mad is that I let his voice overpower Christ's. I know in my head that I am a child of God's and that He sent His son to die on the cross for me but for some reason I struggle with believing that I could be lovable.

Dear Heavenly Father, I need you to please step in and help me to fight the pull of Satan's negative words. Help me to focus on the fact that you love me no matter what and that you did make me special and in your image and that I am lovable. That I am not worthless. I know that kids love me and that the church family you brought to me love me and even when I don't hear from my family, that they love me too but my heart aches so much for that intimate love of a husband and wife and yet I continue to believe that it will never happen. Lord, I believe that you gave me this desire so you must have something so special coming up. Please help me to turn this over to you.
In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Fiction and real life

2010-06-23T21:18:00.003-04:00

Okay. I don't know if anyone is reading this any more and I don't blame you as it is usually a lot of time between posting but if you are reading this you know that I am a HUGE fiction reader. In fact I just arrived home from a 2 day "Baxter Family Reunion" that was hosted by Christian Fiction author, Karen Kingsbury.

Well, I have this theory about God sending me messages through the fiction books since He knows I struggle with reading non-fiction. I just finished a book and I wanted to print some of what the book said and how it seems to fit my feelings. It comes from a book called "Midnight Caller" by author Diane Burke. It is a Love Inspired Suspense book. I am typing this without thier permission but since I am not selling anything and I have given them full credit hopefully my blog won't get shut down. : ^ )

"...If I live my life afraid to love someone because they might die...or because they might leave...I'm going to live a lonely, empty life." It goes on to a couple of paragraphs expounding on that then takes up again with, "I realize those pieces of my heart are gone and can never be replaced. But I also realize the only way to protect my heart from pain of loss is to never love..." "And to never love...is the worst kind of death. God knows how important it is to love. He made it one of His greatest commandments."

So now I have to figure out how to take what He is showing me in a fiction book and do something about it.

Please pray that I take that and learn from it.

Thanks,
God Bless,
Karen

Today and Tomorrow

2010-06-10T19:17:00.004-04:00

I love the month of June. Summer is arriving but there are still days that are cool and the sky is beautiful. It also happens to be a month when there are a lot of birthday's of people I care about. It also happens to be the month I was born.

As I reflect on this past year I have realized some very wonderful things and some very heart breaking things. I have realized that I am blessed with many wonderful friends and family. People that I have been friends with but who have stepped up and been there in the hardest time of my adult life. I don't know, without God and without him bringing those people into my life, I would have EVER made it through the stuff that I have gone through. Has it been easy? NO!!! Have I made some bad choices on how I deal with things? OH YEA!!! But in all of that God still loves me and continues to bless me with amazing people.

A couple of the things that I have realized that have been heartbreaking is that tomorrow when I wake up will be the first time in 43 years that my mom has not called me or woken me up by singing happy birthday to me. I had no idea how sad that would make me. I also used to be embarrassed when she would send me flowers on my birthday to work because they came from my mom instead of a boyfriend or husband, now I really want those flowers to come tomorrow from her but I know that won't happen either. I also realized that for the first time in several years I will not get a birthday card from my grandma with lines drawn on the inside so that she writes her note in a straight line. And also that I won't get a gingerbread cake from Penny ever again. Several years ago I told her that when I was a little girl the babysitter we had after school would always have warm gingerbread cake and milk ready for my brother and I when we went to her house. That next birthday Penny made me a wonderful gingerbread cake. It is amazing how these small little things made such an impact on me. You wouldn't think they could but they did.

The other thing I am thinking of is that today would have been my friend, Terry's, 44 birthday. He was a year older than me but we were in the same grade because his mom held his older brother back and she didn't want them in the same class. Terry and I were only about 20 kids that went to the same middle and high school. We became very good friends and people called us laurel and hardy. It was so hard for us when we graduated from high school and realized that we wouldn't be going to school together any more. Terry went away to school first down in Tennessee to become a minister. I went a month later. The day I went to college I opened my mailbox and there was a letter from Terry. It was so special!!! That following spring, 1986, I got a call from a mutual friend telling me that Terry had drowned in a quarry in Tennessee. I was crushed. He was an amazing friend and person!!! I couldn't believe that Terry was gone. It has been 24 years and I still have a hard time believing that he is gone. Today, for some reason, this birthday of his seems to be hitting me harder than any in the past. Maybe because of everything that has happened.

So, as I turn older tomorrow at 10:52pm I will try to concentrate on the blessings that have been given to me and not dwell on the things that have broken my heart. The best part is that I know that I will someday see at least 3 of the 4 people again in heaven.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. If you have a relationship with Christ can I ask you to pray for an unspoken prayer request? If not today would be a great day to come to a saving relationship with Christ. That prayer would be completely different but much more important and a much bigger blessing than the unspoken.

Starting today?

2010-04-23T17:27:00.002-04:00

It has been a very hard last year and 1/2. I have noted a lot of things going on so I won't go into those again but I know I haven't really posted in awhile so I thought I would just drop a note.

Monday I was given permission for full weight bearing on my foot. I was very surprised since it has only been 5 weeks today. Normally it is much longer for weight bearing. I am very thankful. I know that the prayers that my friends have been lifting up are being heard. I started Physical Therapy Monday and went back to the gym today. I didn't do a lot but the one thing I did do was weigh in. I had expected to have put on a lot being immoble and eating a lot of bad food but my current weight is 372. That is only 20 pounds less than where I was when I started the journey in 2007 but since I was expecting it to be back to the original weight I was pleasantly surprised. Now I just need to go back down.

I know that I can do this. I just need to make the decision and let God do what he was doing the last time and stop fighting him. Please pray.

Thanks and God Bless,
Karen

Blessings among Sadness

2010-03-24T12:29:00.002-04:00

Well, I am sitting here on a twin bed in my living room 5 day's post op from having Achilles Tendon Surgery. There is basically no pain in my foot but it has not been easy. I did not wake up well from anestesia (spelling) and then have been home and have had to have people basically living with me the first 3 days of this process. It has been hard. Today is the first day that I have not had someone here most of the day.
Monday night the bed frame slipped apart for the last time and I had Tim come over and remove the frame. Now it is just the boxed springs and mattress, then last night Brandy, my cat, went the bathroom on the bed and I had to have someone come over and clean it up. At that time I decided the best step would be to have Brandy put to sleep. She has been suffering with End Stage Kidney Failure for the last 5 years and since Sam, mom's cat, came to live here it has really sent Brandy's health downhill fast. She was really looking and acting bad. It was time. That is the sadness though. She was the cat that has cuddled with me for all her life. I already miss her like crazy and I keep calling her sister Brandy. She was my baby. This sure has not been a good time. Mom dying in December, Grandma dying in January, Penny dying in February and now Brandy in March. Plus the surgery on my foot.

But the blessings have come too. Those people that I have mentioned basically had to move in with me, I don't know what I would have done without them. They have gone so far over and above what I would have thought. I am truly humbled that people love me enough to take precious time away from their families and lives to do things for me. Even those that I know can't come over because of the cats but who are faithfully praying for me. How amazing is that?

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the visualization of your Love in action. I am broken hearted about my cat and all the other things that have happened in my life these last several months and yet I am still able to laugh and smile because you continue to bring me blessing's inspite of the heartaches. Thank you for all those who have given up time to be with me. What a humbling and encouraging experience. You have helped me to lose some of my pride as well. My house isn't kept clean as you would want me to take care of the things you have given me but you are still allowing people to come in here and not form harsh judgements. Thank you for that. Please be with each person who is taking the time to help and who is praying. I covet those prayers even more than I do the help though I won't turn help down. In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Not sure how to title this post...

2010-02-13T23:07:00.003-05:00

What to blog about? I guess I am going to blog about how I am struggling. Struggling with understanding why God continues to ask me to say goodbye to people that are special to me and not allowing me even some of the dreams that I have had in my heart since I was a little girl. I have struggled all my life with letting people get close and every time I do one of them passes away or leaves. I am sitting here on a Saturday night all alone again!!!! It hurts so bad. I will be 43 in a few months and none of my dreams have come true. Yes, there have been many blessings and I don't want to take away from them. But all I ever wanted as I was growing up was to be a wife and a mother. I just wanted to carry a child. To feel it move. To finally look into his/her eyes and see my eyes or my husbands eyes. It hurst more than I can say knowing that I will probably never have that opportunity. Yes, maybe some day God will bring me the husband but my biggest dream will probably never come true.

I have been going through probably the hardest journey I can ever imagine in this last 13 months. And I have never felt so alone. I know, I am feeling very sorry for myself and that makes me even madder at myself. One of my closest friends just passed away yesterday morning, her husband is now the single father of 4 children 6 and under, her children are now without a mother and her family is without a sister and daughter and I am sitting her feeling sorry for myself because I am alone on a Saturday night. That sounds so pathetic. I know that there are many that I could call and they would gladly take the time to talk with me or let me cry on their shoulder but they can't know my deepest hurts. They can't just hold me.

I have gained over 60 pounds back in the last year. I am continuing to turn to food and self loathing instead of God to comfort me. I don't know what He needs to do to get me to trust him. Look at the above part of the post, what does that tell you? It tells you that my focus is still always on my problems and not wanting to change. My house is a disaster, my mom's condo is not even close to being ready, I come home and immediately play on the computer instead of doing what I need to do.

I guess I don't know how to end this post or even what else to say.

Breaking Heart

2010-01-30T12:18:00.003-05:00

Wow, 2009 started off very hard with the diagnosis of cancer for Penny. If you don't know exactly who Penny is she is part of a family that I have known since I was 15 years old and who, in the last 20 years, has adopted me. I spend most of my holidays with them, I go to as many of the birthday's as I can. Her parents where there when the doctor told me that he was unable to save my mom.

The year was then followed by my mom's health declining. Especially during the last 4 months of the year.

Well, as you know, mom passed away on December 16, 2009 so I was hoping that 2010 would be better. So far it has not been that way. Two weeks ago they put my grandma, who was 101, into a nursing home. She had lived alone since my grandpa passed away 12 years ago. This past Wednesday I got the phone call that she had passed away. It is so hard to be sad for the loss of someone who had lived 101 years. She is my Grandma and I will miss her but I am so thankful that I had her in my life for so long. There are not many who can have that opportunity.

So, Penny has been fighting this cancer for over a year now. She was doing great until July. In July they did a surgery on the scar from her c-section. When in there they saw more cancer but were unable to remove it. Two weeks later she started having pain and her system was not processing food correctly. Finally in November she went in to the hospital and they found a blockage in her colon. They decided to do a colostomy to remove the blockage. It seemed that it was from the radiation but they found a tumor too so they removed it. A few weeks later, even before she had recovered from the first surgery she started having problems again, this time in her small intestines. She went back in and had surgery to remove that tumor and put a bag on her small intestines. It seems like the next day she started experiencing nausea and vomiting and has been in the hospital more than she has been home. She spent Thanksgiving and part of Christmas in the hospital (she was allowed to come home for Christmas day). She went back in 1 1/2 weeks ago and is still there.

The heart breaking part is that basically there doesn't seem to be anything else they can do. She is on a nutrition thing but that is actually hurting her so they may need to stop it. It is the only thing that is keeping her alive right now. When I went by on Tuesday to spend time with her she seemed to be doing so much better. She was eating and sitting up and looked great. Then they decided to do another test with barium. The barium didn't go anywhere, not her stomach, not her bags, nowhere. After that time she has gotten really bad with the nausea and sickness again. She can't eat anything.

I know that God can work a miracle and maybe He is waiting until everyone steps back and then He will step in and show his power and heal her. He also may choose to take her home. She is a wife (her anniversary of 7 years is this Monday) and a mother of 4 of the most beautiful children. It is just so hard to understand. I have no one that is counting on me, no husband, no children and not even my mom is here. I sometimes wonder why God chooses someone like Penny and not someone who isn't needed or loved so much. (I am not trying to say I am not loved or needed but I wouldn't be leaving a family like hers behind) Maybe He knows what a testimony and impact someone like Penny will have and has had so far on so many? There are 254 people in her Facebook group. There are many more who are praying for her and the family. When we would get down, she is the one who encourages us.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for being here for all of us. You know my heart and you know how broken it is right now. I am struggling so hard not to give up on you working that miracle but as a person who has lost so many friends and family I am really not doing well with this. Thank you for loving me dispite my uncertainty, fear and lack of faith. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

He Is by Mark Shultz

2010-01-20T22:25:00.003-05:00

As I left church tonight I was pretty down. Obviously I am still working through mom passing away in December, I found out today that my 101 year old Grandma has been put in a nursing home because of her health and my friend, Penny, is not doing well. I am struggling with my shoulder pain and still in the running for the achilles tendon surgery in March. I am also so disgusted with myself because I am reverting to the horrible way of eating that I have done in the past instead of facing up to my stress and sadness and fear. Only this time it seems to be worse. Saturday I cooked an entire bag of those mini premade cookies that all you have to break apart and bake. I ATE EVERY ONE OF THEM!!!! Then yesterday I ate 2 cookies and icecream from Dairy Queen and a lot of other stuff. Today I ate 3 pieces of corn bread, a cookie, a bag of jelly beans and a piece of cheesecake and many other things.

Well, when I was driving home the below song came on the radio. What a message from God. Now if I can just turn to Him and not food then maybe I will get somewhere.

Mark Schultz - He Is From the album Come Alive
Father let the world just fade away
Let me feel Your presence in this place
Lord I've never been so weary
How I need to know You're near me
Father let the world just fade away
'Til I'm on my knees
'Til my heart can sing
He is
He was
He always will be
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
He is
Father let Your Holy Spirit sing
Let it calm this storm inside of me
As I stand amazed
Lift my hands and say
He is
He was
He always will be
He lives
He loves
He's always with me
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still my soul
Through every fear
And every doubt
In every tear I shed
Down every road I'm not alone
No matter where I am
He is
He was
He always will be
He lives
He loves
He's always with me
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still my soul
Be still and know
Be still my soul
He is
Label: Word / Curb / Warner Bros.

Potential Surgery

2010-01-07T09:35:00.004-05:00

Okay, so I have posted that I have a torn Achilles Tendon. I spoke with my doctor's office this week and even though it is not official the nurse was pretty sure that I would have surgery and that I will be off 3 MONTHS!!!!! at a minimum. 2 of those months I would be completely off my foot. This is not a good thing.

First of all I only have enough time, starting March 14th, to cover 2 months, 1 week and 1 day. That means I will not take any other days off between now and March 14th of 2011. Also, what will I do about money. This estimate is a minimum. I plan on doing everything the doctor tells me but you never know.

I know that I am borrowing trouble by worrying about it now. Christ says in Matthew 6:27 (New International Version) "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" But not worrying is hard for me to do.

The other concern I have is that I don't want to have to rely on anyone to help take care of me. After spending so much time seeing mom rely on everyone else to solve her problems and take care of her I am the opposite. I don't want to have to have anyone help me. I have also been let down in the past by the people that I was supposed to be able to rely on and so even though so many of my friends have volunteered to be there for me and help I am fearful that they will not come through. That is not fair to them. I know this in my mind but still struggle with it. This is something that the Lord and I have to work on these next two months leading up to the potential surgery. It is a HUGE stumbling block for me. I know this but again struggle with not having these feelings.

Finally I need to lose as much weight as I can between now and March 15th. When I started my weight loss journey I lost 36 pounds in the same time period. I was not doing much exercising then so if I can keep up with my upper body and core exercises and go back to eating the way I was back then I will be able to do the same or better. So far I have been doing okay. Not 100% but better than I have been. Struggling more this time but...

So, I covet your prayers during this time. If you are one of the many who have offered to help in any way you can please know that I will take you up on it. I just have to check my insecurity and pride at the door. I have a hard time trusting and it has nothing to do with any of you. I love you and appreciate all you do.

God Bless,
Karen

God's Prayer Answer?

2009-12-27T22:40:00.002-05:00

Wow, I am not even sure where to begin. If you have been reading this blog then you know that one of the main reasons I have struggled with my weight is because my mom and I have been co-dependent together. I have written several times about the emotional struggles that we have had. Well, I wondered after she attempted to take her life in September why she wasn't successful if she was just going to continue to be sick and struggle. I think I have figured a part of it out. Our relationship has been a struggle for my entire life. I blamed her for so many things in my life. This was not fair to her but it is what happened. I have been taking care of her with a bad attitude. Well, the last 4 months we have had an opportunity to work on our relationship. I was able to tell her I loved her several times and we were finally able to talk about some things. Well, I think the reason that she survived the overdose was so that we can make our relationship better. Unfortunately, we only had the 3 months. I checked on her on Tuesday, December 15th and she was playing on the computer and ate a sub I brought. At 11:45pm that night I got a call from the care center telling me that she had pushed her alert button because she was having trouble breathing again. I was pretty mad at her for waiting until so late at night to make the call. I got up, got dressed and by the time I got to her house which is 5 minutes from me, she was in full cardiac arrest. The paramedics were doing CPR but they were unable to get a pulse. They rushed her to the hospital and the doctor's got a pulse for a few minutes but the doctor told me it looked bad. Phil and Sue Miller came to be with me that night and they will never know how much that meant to me. Also, a friend from high school was working in the ER that night too and he came in the room. The doctor came in a few minutes later and told me that he had done everything he could but he was unable to save my mom. My mom passed away almost 3 months to the day that she had attempted to take her life.

As it snows outside I feel such a sense of aloneness but yet a sense of relief. Aloneness because she is basically the only one who calls me on the phone. I am not much of a phone person but if we didn't talk everyday I would be concerned. The relief comes in a few forms. One is that I was not looking forward to figuring out how to handle the winter. She would have basically be housebound and that would have made her depression so much worse. She doesn't have to worry about that now. She would have relyed on me so much more and it was already hard to keep up with her needs and all the things that I have to do.

There is also fear on my part. Fear that if something ever happens to me who will know my wishes, will there be anyone who will be willing to go through all my stuff. When I have a hard time with losing my mom will I have anyone who will be there just to hold me? Also, as I have mentioned earlier, we were both co-dependents. Now my "excuse" for not losing weight, for not saving money, for all the things that I blamed my mom on is not there. Will I be able to make the changes that are needed? I am really struggling with the right side of my body. It hurts from the shoulder all the way down to my leg. When I sit for even a short period of time I have a hard time standing and then walking. It takes a few minutes to be able to walk. It scares me. I don't want to end up in a wheelchair and with a shortened life like my mom had.

I just ask for prayer as I transition through this new chapter in my life. As I said earlier, 2009 has not been a good year. I am praying that 2010 is a good year and that the changes needed to live a life that glorifies God will take place.

God Bless,
Karen

Yoga, the Biggest Loser and Stress

2009-12-08T22:42:00.003-05:00

Wow, as I mentioned in my post about being Thankful this has not been a good year in a lot of aspects. It seems that it is going to end even more stressful than it even began. As I write this mom is still in the hospital after 5 days with COPD. This is the 5th time since August that she has spent time in the hospital for breathing or her CHF and 2 weeks in the hospital for her overdose.

Also, I spoke with my friend Penny tonight and things are not going good for her either. The doctor is worried that there are problems with her small intestines now. She may have to go on the Chemo that the doctor talked about which could have some nasty side effects and there is no guarantee that it will stop the cancer growth. (This is purly speculation on my part and nothing is set in stone, God could be working right now on healing the problem and she could be fine in a few days.)

I had lost over 107 pounds last year and this year I have put on 56 pounds from a combination of stress and stubbornness. I am having shoulder pain that has been here since December 20th and they can't figure out what is going on with it, I am now having middle back pain that is getting worse by the day and leg pain. Most of this is on my right side only. It is very frustrating.

I spent $75 to join the Biggest Loser at the gym and have only been able to make it to about 5 classes and the contest ends next week. I have actually gained 5 pounds.

And there has still been no reconcilation between my brother's wife and my mom and me. My brother still has to sneak to call my mom and has not visited my mom or me in over 1 1/2 years and he only lives an hour away. It is very sad.

They cut our hours again at work for this month and it is a 5 week month so I will lose 25 hours of pay. I am already struggling with paying my bills.

So you see, that covers a lot of the stress part of this post. Please pray for these situations. It is very frustrating to know that God is trying to help me in some of this stuff and asking me to trust Him in others and yet I continue to push Him away or think I can do and handle all this on my own. I have even started seeing a counselor and haven't done a lot of what she has asked me to do.

Okay, so onto the yoga and the Biggest Loser. I just watched the season finale of the Biggest Loser. The weight losses were amazing!!!! Everyone looked so good. There was another marriage proposal tonight between two contestants. It was pretty great. It inspired me to pledge to lose 50 pounds to help the food pantry in Grove City. So off I go to get my Biggest Loser Yoga video that I bought 3 weeks ago and hadn't opened. It is 10:15pm when I finally put it in and think I will be able to do the beginners workout. Well, I couldn't even make it past the warmups. There is a lot of kneeling on the knees and as I posted earlier I have bad knees so... Some of the exercises seem impossible for me. So I watched for a little while to see what some of them were and how to do them. Next time I will try a few of them and then maybe I will eventually be able to finish the beginners and move onto the next level.

Well, thanks for listening. Not sure how many of you are out there since I tend to be negative in my posts, I would have a hard time continuing to follow this blog if it were someone else's but I hope to look back and read these entries and see that I am a different person then the one writing them now.

Though things are stressful right now and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight I am going to do my best to have an amazing Christmas because that is the time to celebrate Christ's birth and without Him I know that I would never survive all this stuff going on. And I will survive it and come out a stronger woman and Christian when this part of the journey settles down.

May God bless each and every one of you.
In Christ,
Karen

Reflections on Being Thankful

2009-11-27T11:57:00.003-05:00

Well, as you know, yesterday was Thanksgiving. What a time of year. An excuse to overeat. I don't think I did that though. Which I am thankful of.

I try to avoid the sharing time with my "family" each year because I am always very emotional. This year however, God had another plan. They didn't do the sharing until later in the day due to schedules. So, yes, I became very emotional. This year has been VERY HARD. Between the constant up and down with my mom's health, her attempting to take her life and just not being able to plan anything because of not knowing what her status would be each day. Also, with Penny's cancer. This has been a very hard year. I have put on a lot of weight. It has been discouraging with that as well because I should have been to my goal weight by now and I am basically starting over. Then there is losing hours at work due to the economy. Financially I am in a bad state and because of my cats ruining my carpeting I can't even put my house up for sale because I can't afford to get new carpeting. And my right side has been messed up for almost a year. Makes it hard to function. Pastor Bill and Peggy moved to Michigan and they are truly missed.

So, what is the point of this entry? It is to look at the things I am thankful for dispite the hard times. So, here is my list:

MY SALVATION - Knowing that no matter what I will get to spend eternity in Heaven.
GOD - Without him I would NEVER have been able to make it through these trials.
MILLER/BALTZER/HOFFMAN/MILLER/MAY FAMILY - God knew several years ago that I would need this amazing group of people in my life and I am so thankful that they have been such a blessing.
MY CHURCH FAMILY - What an amazing group of people. I feel so blessed everytime I walk in the doors or get a message on Facebook from this group of people.
HAVING TWO JOBS - In today's economy I am truly blessed to have this.
HAVING A HOUSE AND FOOD TO EAT - So many today are homeless and hungry. I am neither and I am thankful for that and don't take it for granted.
LESSONS BEING LEARNED - Don't like this one too much but am thankful none the less. I know that I am being taught some important things through this year and I sure pray I am listening and learning.
CHILDREN - I know that I put my "family" on there but the children at church have been so much fun. To see them get excited when I walk in a room or to have them want me to hold them instead of going to choir - how amazing is that?
MY BLOOD FAMILY - Through the things that have been going on with mom these last few months I have had more contact with my family. It has shown me that they really are special and there are more who know Christ then I thought. Though physically they have been unable to be there I know that they are there if I just need to talk.
GETTING TO BE A HOSTESS AT THE E-WOMEN'S CONFERENCE - What an unexpected opportunity. Getting to host Stormie Omartian and her daughter for the weekend. She and Mandy are both such a blessing as well as Stormie's sister and friends. This was something that I will never forget.

These are just a few of the many blessings that I am thankful for. I know that God is with me through all of this. Though I struggle a lot with things and try to do most things on my own, He has not given up on me and I am so thankful for that.

So, that is what this post is about. I pray that everyone who reads this finds things to be thankful for as well, even if your life is not crazy.

God Bless as we go into this amazing season to celebrate Christ's birth!!!
Karen

Going in the Right Direction

2009-11-12T15:24:00.002-05:00

Just a quick update. 4 pounds down since last week. Should I choose to eat better I am sure I could lose a lot more. I started counseling last night and I am really looking forward to working with Michele and at the gym to try to get healthy.

Brought mom home from the hospital today for another bought of Congestive Heart Failure. She is already worried that she will have a panic attack. Trying to convince her that she will not have one if she chooses to not have one.

Thanks for praying,
God Bless,
Karen

Trying Once Again

2009-11-03T12:03:00.002-05:00

Well, last night we started the Biggest Loser at the gym. It is going for 7 weeks. It was a hard workout since I have not been going much lately because of all the things going on with mom and just not feeling like I am accomplishing anything. I need this accountability. I start meeting with a counselor on the 11th to try and work through a lot of the stuff that has built up over the years with mom and with me personally. I am looking forward to this step. I am tired of hiding from life. I am very scared but can't wait to see how God is going to use this time of struggle to glorify him.

I do ask for prayers. I started this session at 342.6 pounds with my shoes on. That means that since July of 2008 I have gained back over 50 pounds of the weight that I had lost. It is VERY FRUSTRATING. I worked so hard to lose that weight. I know that with God's help I can and will do this. I just have to go back to the one meal at a time attitude.

God Bless,
Karen

Avalon's Story

2009-10-14T12:43:00.002-04:00

This is a long post but I wanted to share with you a little girls story. About 4 years ago my friend, Diane, let me know that her 1 1/2 year old granddaughter, Abby, had just been diagnosed with Neuroblastoma Cancer. While Abby was going through her treatments a co-worker of mine found out her friends little girl of the same age, Avalon, had been diagnosed with Leukemia. They went through treatment together at Children's Hospital and the parents had met each other there. Thank the Lord that Abby has been Cancer free for several years now and doesn't have the side affects that Avalon has had to fight with. Below is Avalon's latest update. Please read her story and pray for her. This little girl is going through so much and it is all because the doctor's wanted to treat her cancer. The cancer is gone but the side effects continue to go one. Also pray for her family as you will see, they are going through so much.

Thanks,

God Bless, Karen

Good morning everyone. First, a huge apology. I don't have the mental capacity to be proper or organized at the moment, so I'm sorry, this email is going to everyone in my address book. If you don't know me, and just sold me something on ebay...or tried to sell me something on the internet...sorry about this. I believe the kid expression is "Tough nubs", you got caught in the cross fire. Same goes for people who no longer care to know me. Sorry about that, you also got caught in the wave. Heck, I don't even know how many of these addresses are still active.
In a nutshell, Avalon is in serious medical trouble, and I wanted to get the word out to people who care, have cared in the past, or who need to know why I haven't been/won't be very communicative for a while.
Due to physical cues, and neuro-ophthalmologic indicators, Avalon had a lumbar puncture yesterday to measure her intracranial pressure. Normal ICP is 8-12. Avalon's was 31. Her brain is, once again, being squeezed to death, literally. With her temporal decompressions, no one thought it would ever be possible for her pressure to get this high. Once again, Avalon has figured out how to shock everyone.
If you care/wonder/are curious/need a refresher-course, there is a page on Avalon's website that explains about her pressure, her brain damage, her temporal decompressions. http://www.avalonsarmyofangels.com/story99.html
So here it is. On the cancer front, we're all clear. The CBC was beautiful. But Avalon's pressure hasn't been this high since before the first shunt. No wonder she's losing vision, having tremors, and looking awful. Her brain is being squeezed beyond belief. With the temporal decompressions, the pressure isn't supposed to be able to get this high, so they did it twice. No luck, she really was 31. They drew off enough fluid yesterdayto get closing pressure down to 17, but it is a short term solution, CSF will replenish within 48-72 hours.After the LP, we met with the neurosurgeon, who was visibly rattled. He had the NP check her shunt setting, hoping it had somehow moved. No dice, it was still fully open. He has scheduled a 3D CT scan for Thurs morning, Oct 15. Pending what he finds on that scan, and a possible MRI, Avalon's world is going to stink out loud for a while. Here's what I know now.

1) Neurosurgeon is hoping the decompressions have possibly grown some new bone. If so, he will go in and redo them. That is two brain surgeries, two PICU/hospital stays, with the second recovery taking longer.

2) Whether or not the decompressions are redone...we still have to find a new draining mechanism to help them.a) if her ventricles are as small as other doctors have said, he will NOT put a new shunt in the other side of her brain. On the L side, the speech center is right where the shunts go. A shunt there could make her mute for the rest of her life.b) We (Nick and I) want to rule out an LP shunt, due to infection rates, failure rates, and over draining - Avalon is very sensitive to low pressure. An LP shunt could leave her waking up vomiting and screaming in agony every day of her life. No thanks.c) There is a y valve thing that we discussed with her first neurosurgeon (good guy #1, before Voldemort). The y valve is a very tricky, long, dangerous surgery, but can be done.
3) We can revise the current Voldemort shunt. Good surgeon #2 (current guy) is VERY scared to do so, given the dropped shunt. Damaging more brain stem is a horrifying thought. She could be fully paralyzed on the R side, lose more vision, etc. Although truthfully, I'll take wheelchair dependant over mute. I love that little voice soooooo much.Avalon only cried yesterday when she found out she would possibly miss Trick or Treat and her final cheerleading day. (its at a big stadium) She never really cried either, her eyes filled up, and she looked desolate...she only let herself cry when I said it was OK to be sad. (I felt like I had to warn her as soon as we knew the pressure.)Later, the only thing she asked the surgeon was if she could possibly Trick or Treat. That 64 yo wonderful father of grown girls bent down and told her he'd do everything he could to work that out for her. After all, Trick or Treat was pretty special. I don't know how on earth he's going to manage that with what he's proposing. We also told her the other cheerleaders would probably have to wheel her on the field and she could cheer with a special hat, from her chair. With both promises, she was OK. Sad, but determined.As for us, Nick and I...we're beyond terrified/sad/paralyzed with fear. This has been so big, I have told very few people over the past few weeks, just trying to wrap my brain around it.
Right now, I'm guessing those of you that didn't know any of this are shocked. Welcome to my world. Some of you may be thinking, "Geez, I'm tired of hearing about that kid's problems." Me too! So I totally understand if you want me to delete your email address. Honestly - I really get it. Feel free to email me if you do. Or, hit delete when you see Avalon in the title. And then again, the vast majority of you, whom I know to be loving, amazing, KIND-HEARTED people are thinking, "What can I do?" I wish I had a magic wand that I could fill with your prayers and kind thoughts. She'd be running marathons if I could.
For now, I have a few immediate requests for anyone willing to help.
1) I'm looking for anyone with HTML expertise to help me install an application on Avalon's website that will notify people when I update it, and to help put a guestbook on there. I'm completely flummoxed with both things, so I've often just not used her site. Avalon's Army of Angels is hosted on Yahoo and I build it with Yahoo Sitebuilder - mainly because it's simple and I understand most of it. I'm more than willing to share my passwords, if one of you have the knowledge to help me. I want to be able to send automatic update notices like Caringbridge does. And I want to give people an easy way to communicate with us.
2) My car is once again croaking. It's the same oil pressure issue that trapped us in DC for a week this Summer. I can go 20-30 min and the pressure goes to zero. The van has been to 2 Dodge dealers, three times total, they say it's fine. They're wrong! Anybody know a mechanic with half a brain? I took my dad's car to the hospital yesterday so we didn't get trapped on 315. We're about to make a zillion trips back and forth to the hospital, I kind of need a car that works! Any grease monkey friends or relative would be worshipped by us. Nick can/will help, but we need someone who is smarter than the stupid Dodge dealers have been. (wish I had those several thousand dollars back. Grrrr....)
3) Any positive thoughts you can send Avalon's way, we greatly appreciate. We covet your prayers and loving thoughts. They have saved her in the past - I believe that Great LOVE can do amazing things.
I don't know if I'll do this mass email thing again, I don't want to pester people. Hopefully, some computer guru somewhere will help me get the notification/membership thing on the site, so you can choose to hear from me.
Thank you in advance for caring about Avalon. My heart hurts worse than I thought possible. After last year, I thought I'd seen Hell. Nope. It would seem we've just descended down another level. Apparently Dante had a point, there are several levels to it after all.
Much love to all of you! I hope you'll forgive me for not communicating in so long. Truth is, we've had the best summer of our lives! We've done normal, silly, family things. We've all been so HAPPY, and Avalon has been enjoying life to the utmost. We've been so giddy to be normal, we've kind of been selfishly quiet, if that makes any sense. Long story short, we had our version of a fairytale summer, and loved every second of it. Guess that's going to have to last us for a while.
((HUGS)) and many "Thank Yous" coming your way. As usual, please feel free to pass this email on to anyone you wish, and you are all always welcome to contact us here at alicia@crazycancermom.com .
LOVE to each of you.
Alicia, Nick, Aurora, Ambrosia, AVALON, and Anam

Accountability - September 27th

2009-09-28T12:14:00.003-04:00

I have this book of daily devotions that I have had for about 15 years. I got it in Pennsylvania when I went to visit a very dear family friend. I read through it several years ago and obviously did not heed the advice on the pages. It is called Day by Day Love is a Choice - Devotions for Codependents.

When everything with my mom happened in the last 5 weeks I decided to pick up this book a few days ago and start reading again. The first date that I looked at talked about "Reparenting". Thought that was pretty appropriate. But yesterday's is the one that really hit home. I am not sure about copywriting things so I hope I don't get in trouble for typing this here but I wanted you to see what God was telling me through this book yesterday.

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. - Gal 6:2

"Who has helped you bear your burdens? Was there a special friend who reached out to you in your time of need? Have you thanked them?

Do you know how to bear others' burdens without getting caught once again in the trap of codependency? Ask God to help you so you can become the person he desires for you to be. You will miss out on a great deal of pleasure in this life if you do not learn how to truly help others.

Bearing another's burden does not mean solving his or her problems. It does not mean feeling responsible for the problem; it does mean sympathizing with the pain. Recognize what you can and cannot do for this person and accept the reality of your limits. Pray for them and let them know you are thinking about them and are concerned with what they are experiencing.

Your journey toward healthy living does involve reaching out to help others. Are you ready to grow in this way? If so, you will gain wonderful blessings, not the bondage of codependency.

The part in red is the part that really stood out for me. What an easy concept to read and understand but what a hard concept to do.

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to learn that I am not responsible for solving the world's problem's even though I feel that if I don't I won't be loveable or people will leave me. Help me to know what the limit is and the balance is so that I can help where I am needed but in a way that will encourage the other person without making it an unhealthy relationship. Thank you for giving me this book so many years ago and putting it on my heart to read again. Thank you for all you are doing in my life. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. Thank you all for being there through this journey. I am so blessed to have you all in my life and know that without God and you I would not be able to get through this.

When asking questions be prepared for the answers

2009-09-23T22:02:00.004-04:00

So this year has been a very emotional year for me. In January we found out that Penny had cancer and we didn't have any idea where she would be by September. We still do not know what is going to happen. So far the Lord has decided to not heal Penny.

Then, my mom's health has been going down hill. She has struggled with her physical health at least since 2005. She had back problems before that but once she had her back surgery and has been struggling with walking things have gotten worse. Then my brother made a decision last year that has caused his wife to not let her children or my brother talk to mom. My brother has to sneak to call mom and he doesn't even come down any more to visit.

These health issues, lack of money for both mom and me and the thing with my brother has caused my mom's depression to continue to grow. She doesn't do a lot because she is in a wheelchair most of the time and has to use oxygen a lot. Well, 4 weeks ago she was in the hospital for congestive heart failure. Then she was quitting smoking 2 weeks ago and called me last Monday with breathing problems. She took her patch off that night and seemed to be doing better. The next morning I called her and she was really bad. I thought it was her breathing again so I rushed over and met the squad. She ended up in the emergency room with her stomach problem for 9 hours. I had to miss a doctor's appointment that I had scheduled and was disappointed. Then I took her home and on Wednesday I called to check on her and she said things were really bad. I told her to call her doctor or the squad again. I couldn't miss work again. She called her doctor and they told her to come in there or call the squad. She couldn't get there and didn't want to call the squad again. I went over to check on her that night and during the day had finally hit my stress breaking point. So when I got there she asked me if I was alright. I told her no and that we needed to figure something out. I meant that she needed to be in an Assisted Living type facility so that if she fell or if she couldn't get somewhere to eat then they could help her. Well, she took that to mean that she was being a burden. On Thursday I tried calling her and just continued to get a busy signal. Around 11:30 or so I got a call from the hospital saying that she was in the ER and was stable. I stayed at work thinking it was the same problem from Tuesday. Little did I know that she had attempted to take her life. I found this out later that day when I went to the hospital to see her.

My brother is still not being involved and I know that part of what she was hoping for is that this might bring my brother around. It is so hard. Our family has never talked about the things that are important. We always just walked around the elephant in the room. One of the things she told the Social Worker is that I don't hug her. I struggle with that because I think that I hold back my hugs from her almost as a punishment. She quit enjoying life when I was around 12. I don't remember much about her except that she didn't do a lot. And I know that I didn't help. I made sure that the attention was on me and would do everything I could to keep it away from her. But I realize how much it hurt to not have a mom who wanted to be involved. She, I think, has been trying to have my brother and I be her happiness. All I have ever wanted was to have a husband and family of my own but yet I have used mom's struggles as an excuse to hide away from a relationship. I feel that if I have to "take care of her" then I won't have to try to have a relationship. With the abandonment that we have all experienced in my family we are all afraid. That is why my brother won't stand up to his wife. It took him over 40 years to find someone and he knows that if he stands up to her then things will probably not go over well. That is why mom has hidden from life. She has been abandoned by her real mom (they have a relationship now but...), her husband, her son and me in a lot of ways. Though I am there I always help with the wrong attitude. I let her know that she is inconveniencing me.

Does this mean what she did was my fault or my brothers fault or her parents fault? No, she ultimately is the one who chose to make that decision but it still is hard not taking some of the responsibilty. The other thing is that I have hidden so long behind mom as the excuse for not being able to do things that I am afraid that when she does get better I will lose my excuse for hiding myself. I may actually have to let people get close to me. That scares the daylights out of me!!!!

So, you are probably wondering what the title has to do with this post? Well, I have been asking God to show me what he is trying to teach me through all the situations that have been going on this year. Well, I think he showed me that he loves me and wants me to be well. Unfortunately He is having to use some very serious things to get my attention. I just pray that I use the knowledge that he is giving me to grow and to be able to glorify him.

This is probably the most revealing post that I have put on here and that says a lot since I have been very open so far. Thanks for listening to me.

God Bless,

Karen

It's been awhile

2009-09-04T12:04:00.002-04:00

Well, almost two years ago I started on a journey that seemed like it was going to be a great success. I remember writing in my first journal entry that wasn't even online that I couldn't believe how easy things were. Wow, does two years make a difference?

I, with the Lord's help, made it down 107 pounds by July of 2008. What a great experience. Since then I have put on 30 - 40 pounds depending on the week. Things are very hard and stressful right now. I am trying so hard to figure out what the Lord is trying to teach me and why I am being so stubborn about listening. It is very frustrating. Especially when I have Gal 6:9 hanging right on my computer monitor and read it every day.

Thanks for the prayers. I know that He has not given up on me. I am still wanting to try to lose this weight. It is holding me back from having the life that he wants for me. I know that. I just have to get over my stubborn fear and pride and listen to him instead of fighting him on everything.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for never giving up on me. I know that I am a hard case and I know that you continue to open doors and bring people and things into my life that will help me acheive the goals that you have set for me. I just need to figure out how to stop fighting you on it. Thanks for loving me dispite me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Conversation with God

2009-07-31T12:11:00.003-04:00

Have you ever wanted to be able to sit down face to face with God and ask Him all kinds of questions? I know that we can do that through prayer and I am not discounting that at all!!! With my Salvation and Christ's death on the cross that line of communication was open to me and I am so thankful for that. I just wish that I could hear His answers to some questions verbally from His mouth. I pray I am not saying anything wrong. That would be one of my questions. Why do I have so much trouble communicating with people? Here are some of my other questions:

1. I know you made me the way that you did but I wonder how my being overly sensative can be used to glorify you? All is seems to do is alienate my co-workers and I end up in tears.
2. Why do I dwell on things for days instead of letting them go? Even if the problem has been resolved with another person I hold on to the anger or frustration, etc for days on end.
3. Why do I fight you when you have given me all the tools I would ever need to lose weight and become healthy? Am I wanting to lose weight for the wrong reasons?
4. Why do I dwell on the negative of things especially when it comes to me or my immediate family instead of trusting that You are in control and I don't need to "handle" it by myself?

There are many more questions but those are a few that stick out in my mind.

God Bless,
Karen

Looking around

2009-07-30T12:31:00.003-04:00

It just kind of hit me that July will be over Saturday. Somehow I missed the email from my friend Megan on the 25th reminding me that there was only 5 months until Christmas.

Anyway, I have been taking the vitamin suppliments for almost 2 weeks now and I haven't missed a dose. There have been a couple of times I took them late but have done well. I have also not had a Soda in 5 days. Do you know how hard that has been? McDonald's has all their beverages on sale for $1.00 right now. But, alas, I have not had any.

Food wise I am still struggling. Everything food wise I have learned over the years about losing weight has shifted since I went to this Integrative Medicine doctor. What I thought was good for me to lose weight they are saying is not good because it has too much Omega-6 in it. Or with a potato I should eat it with butter and sourcream so that the potato doesn't break down so quickly and turn right to sugar. Then it says I should eat more complex carbs but then I'm told that I shouldn't eat breads and pasta's and things. I AM SO CONFUSED.

I have been to the gym 2 times this week. I only did 6 miles on the stationary bike on Tuesday and I did arm exercises, 4 miles on the bike and got in the hottub last night. I am still frustrated with my shoulder. I wanted to see how it did when I did the arms. It hurts today but not too bad.

My friend had her surgery last week and is slowly feeling better but they found more spots in her stomach area then they thought. And her doctor is perplexed since none of the cancer showed up on the PET Scan. I don't know how the biopsy turned out on the other areas. I pray it turns out with some good news.

Another busy weekend planned. Don't think I will get to the gym but I am trying to go to the farmer's market on Saturday and walking around there might help with some exercise. Then Putt Putt Saturday night. Should be fun.

Well, that is kind of where I am at. Last year I had just hit my 100 pound weight loss mark and was so excited to see where things went. This year has been a really hard part of my journey. Between my friend's cancer, my mom's health and my brother and sister-in-law basically shutting us out of their lives it has been trying. I want so badly to lose the rest of this weight but am struggling a lot and don't know what it is going to take to get me there. Please continue to pray. I know you do and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. With God and your prayers I will get there.

God Bless,
Karen

New Directions

2009-07-20T09:32:00.003-04:00

Okay, so about 6 weeks ago I went to a seminar that a local Integrative Medicine doctor held. What this doctor does is take your blood work and then look to see what is out of balance - either too high or too low - and then put you on suppliments and dietary changes to get your system in balance so that it can do what it is supposed to do.

So, I had my 1 on 1 appointment with him last Friday. I have been having stomach issues lately and when I talked to him about what areas I wanted to work on, weight loss, IBS, Aching Muscles/body and PMDD, the first thing he told me was that I had Celiac's disease. Normally he puts people who are obese on Magnisium but with Celiac's disease you can't take that or it will just increase the problem. Also, he ran a full CBC on me and sent the results on Saturday. Seems there is a thing called a SED rate. The high for this is supposed to be 2.0 and mine is 2.5 and a C Reactive Protein which the high is supposed to be 3.0 and mine is 7.5. Both of these things are to show inflammation in the body. Okay, so now I have proof that my shoulder really is bothering me!!! My blood work says so.

Anyway, with his program I am on 1 Magnisium/Calcium/Zinc, 1 Fish Oil and 2 Cinnamon tablets 7 times a day, 1 b vitamin time release tablet 5 times a day and 1 multi vitamin once a day. I have created a system of little snack bags with the appropriate times a day to take the pills and have done really well so far. The other thing is no chicken or turkey because they are high in Omega 6 and no banana's, kiwi or a few other fruits because they are high in latex. The weird thing is that all the "diet" things I have learned are being challenged. For instance, they say if you eat a baked potatoe you should add butter and sour cream because the potatoe is very high in carbs that it turns directly into sugar so if it has the fat product then it will take longer to break down in your system. Also, they say I can eat 1 serving of icecream each night and it won't hurt anything. Kind of scary, huh?

So, we will see how this works. I go back in 3 months and I will see what they say then. 2 days down with the pills, the next three months to go.

God Bless,
Karen

Just blogging because....

2009-07-06T10:56:00.003-04:00

I got a card from a dear friend yesterday that was a real encouragement. She said basically that I was "taking a break" from the weightloss. That sure was a nice way to put that fact that I have just been really bad!!!!!!

Today has been okay so far. I am getting ready for lunch so we will see. I got out chicken breast for dinner tonight.

I have not been to the gym in almost 3 weeks. Every night I have had something going on and the medicine I was taking really messed up my stomach so I was afraid to go. I feel better today so I am going to try tonight. I do have to have an MRI tomorrow morning though because my shoulder is still bothering me a lot. We will see what happens.

Just keep praying and don't give up on me. I will get back to it by giving over to God and not taking it back. Easier said than done but...

God Bless,
Karen

Keeping this attitude

2009-06-09T13:24:00.002-04:00

Epiphany (Feeling) the sudden realization or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something. That is what happened to me a few minutes ago. I have tried for the last 30 years to not be like my mom. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom very much but the decisions she has made my entire life have negatively affected all around her and especially her. She basically stopped living when I was 12 years old. She used my brother and me as her reasoning why she couldn't do anything. She also has relied on us as her sole emotional and pretty much physical support that time as well.

Because of the victim mentality that she and most in our family, have displayed she is now in a situation where, unless I am available to do things for her, she is completely alone all the time. All day. She doesn't work, she can't walk very well, she uses oxygen most of the day because her lungs are bad from smoking basically since she was 15 and she isn't involved in anything.

I am not writing this to speak badly about my mom. She raised two children with no financial help from my dad. We had a roof over our head and food on the table most of the time. I am writing this because, though I don't want to make the same life decisions that she has made I have found that I am doing the same thing she has done. She even pointed it out to me this afternoon on the phone which caused the Epiphany.

I will be 42 in 2 days, I have never had a relationship with anyone, I let my house stay dirty and use that as an excuse to not have people over, I spend money on food and then complain that I can't save any money because I will have to give it to my mom or whatever if I tried to save it anyway so what is the point? I stay obese because I see that I am a lot like my mom in my choices and believe that that makes me unlovable. My family has the victim mentality. We all want someone to solve our problems for us. We want someone else to be our emotional happiness.

You know what? That is impossible!!!!! The only one who can choose to make things different and who can solve our problems is us and only with the help of God. If I don't want to end up alone and afraid of life when I am older then I have to make the decision RIGHT NOW to make the changes that need to be done. If that, then, brings continued weight loss, financial stability and a better social life then that will be a great benefit but the most important thing will be that I am doing what God created me to do. I will be taking care of what he gave me both physically and materially (is that a word?).

So, for this minute I am going to choose to do what I need to do to get healthy and clean my house and if that brings people over then that will be great. I am scared and I know that this battle will be hard and I know that my mentality is what will hold me back. I pray that with God's help, I can do this and with your prayers I know it will work as well.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for eye opening moments. I know that I can't change mom and I pray for the strength to make it through the times when she rely's on me alone for her emotional and physical needs. I want to be a good daughter and a good help for her but I know that it is really hard when I don't see her wanting to do her part. Please help her to come to know you and want to seek you out. Thank you for not giving up on me or anyone else. I do love you and I know that I have a hard time showing it. I pray for the minute by minute strength it will take to make better choices and to not give up. Help me to be an example to not only mom but the rest of my family as well. In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Hard Workout = Good Feeling

2009-05-27T08:36:00.003-04:00

Okay, I did pretty good eating yesterday. I went to the gym (not wanting to go) and decided I needed a new starting point. I had my measurements done and my weight (311 - not happy) and then Craig came by and asked me if I wanted a new card. I said yes. Not sure if that was the right decision (okay, it was but lets pretend).

I think his goal was to kill me. He came close. We did legs and I started off by holding a 50 lb cowbell and doing 4 sets of 15 squats and it just got worse from there. The final exercise (which happened while I could barely walk as it was) was to do leg presses with 100 lbs of weight. I knew my shoulders were involved but when I went home I realized that I have marks on my shoulders from the machines where it broke blood vessels!!!! It is pretty amusing. No one can say I didn't work out hard.

So, the moral of the story is that I am so sore today but I also feel good because I worked out harder than I have in a long time. If anyone wants to donate to the personal trainer fund I will be happy to accept. I seem to do much better when I have someone standing over me telling me to keep pushing.

Heavenly Father, thank you for the ability to exercise. Thank you for the trainers at the gym. Lord, I am going to be so sore today as it has already started but I trust that it will be a good sore. Help me to not give up when I am so sore. Help me to remember this feeling that I have when I do a hard workout - the feeling of doing something good. In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Sorry for the delay

2009-05-06T11:46:00.004-04:00

Okay, it has been awhile since I have written. I am struggling a lot with this weight loss journey that I didn't want to bore you with more complaining.

I just wanted to tell you a little about what has been going on, non weight loss wise. I attend an amazing church with the most wonderful people I have ever met. I am so blessed with this. We started in February of 2008 planning a year long celebration for our 75th anniversary. I was on the committee so it has kept me busy. Last year I helped plan the kick-off lunch for the current members and attenders and then the carnival. I did a little with the concert and finally helped plan the lunch this past Sunday for around 350 people. What a crazy, busy blessing. I think my pastor and I emailed each other about 100 times in the last two weeks. (I might send him an email just to say hi - I feel lost). The entire service was amazing. We had a 2 hour service in the morning with special music from former members and a guest speaker for the message. The choir sang three songs and was blessed with brand new chairs!!! It was a true blessing.

Saturday I had the opportunity to go to a firearm class for Women at my friend, Kay's, shooting club. I got to shoot a .22 semi-automatic, a .38 and a .44 magnum with a scope!!! That was so much fun.

I took Monday and yesterday off of work and the only thing I did was clean my garage, play Wii with my nephews (I won golf but lost the other games) and went to the park with my neice, nephews and another little one that my friend, Polly, babysits. I actually swang on the swing. Haven't done that in years and it was fun. Polly, the kids and I went to a Mexican restaurant (we didn't remember it was Cinco de Mayo until we got there. Turned out to be appropriate to eat there). It was a great time.

So, that is what I have done. Have I gone to the gym since last Wednesday? No. I want to go tonight but my stomach is bothering me so I am not sure what will happen. I have also ran out of my anti-inflammitories so my entire body hurts.

Well, still having an enormously hard time getting back in to the weight loss. Still extremely frustrated with the entire thing and don't know what to do about it but just wanted to let you all know where I am at.

Thanks for praying. I know it helps. Please don't stop.

In Christ,
Karen

Thoughts

2009-04-16T22:04:00.002-04:00

Well, it has been 2 weeks since I ended the Biggest Loser. It has been an interesting time. It has been up and down.

Monday I was truly ready to give up this journey. I was sitting in the parking lot of the gym and trying to decide what the point of going in and working out was doing when I constantly sabotage my exercise with eating horribly. I know what I am doing and still I make those choices.

I did get out of my car and go in and work out. It felt good to do that. Tuesday I didn't make it to the gym and Wednesday I was not feeling well so I didn't get to go either. Now does that mean I have subconciously given up? No. I am not going to give up. Something is going to click and I will get back on this journey. I know that God is not done with me yet and He is working in my life through this. What he is doing I have no idea but...

God Bless,
Karen

Biggest Loser finale

2009-04-01T21:57:00.002-04:00

Just to give a quick update. I ended up at the 294.4 pounds tonight at the finale. I lost 13 pounds. Not enough to win but still lost weight.

Karen

Being Honest

2009-03-31T22:11:00.004-04:00

Well, I am not sure how many people read this blog anymore which is fine. This blog was started for me to share my feelings about losing weight. I have always hoped to be honest with my postings and I know that sometimes they get negative when I am doing my "reflection". Well, this one will probably come across like that as well.

Tonight on the Biggest Loser the contestant that got voted off was preparing for her wedding. She had tried on a size 24 wedding dress at the beginning of the show and as of the time she was voted off was able to fit into a size 12. She looked beautiful. It made me really sad. I know that my focus needs to be on the Lord and I want that but I also get so lonely and feel like He doesn't want anyone to come into my life. I have gone almost 42 years without someone and it just makes me think that something is terribly wrong with me. I feel loved by the people at church and by the kids and by my friends but it is not the kind of love that I crave and desire. I come home each night to a VERY DIRTY house and the only thing I want to do is play on the computer and watch tv. I work two jobs, I work out, I go to church and when I finally come home I don't want to do anything. If I can't take care of my house then what kind of a spouse would I be?

People tell me I am a sweet, nice person but they don't know me. I only let them see me on my terms. My friend who now lives in Cincinnati asked me if she could stay here if she came up to visit. I live in a 3 bedroom house and don't have anywhere for her to sleep because one room is my computer room and the other spare room is destroyed by my cats and their litter box. I don't want her to stay here because I am ashamed of my house. I have no money to fix it up or get it deep cleaned the way it needs to be and so I have given up on it. If I can't manage this then again, what kind of spouse would I be?

Maybe it is in His plan to not bring me a spouse. If that is the case then who do I have? My mom has me right now but when she passes away I will be all alone. Yes, again, I have my family from church and they are so special to me but they can walk away anytime they want. They aren't here at night when I need someone to talk to or someone to just sit with on the couch and not say anything.

I'm back to a weight loss of 100 pounds and am afraid to go on. I just don't feel loveable in the way that a man loves a woman. I'm afraid that even if I do get the rest of the weight off it won't make a difference. I will just find I am a person at a healthy weight who isn't loveable.

I am so sorry for the way this post is turning out. I don't want to always be so negative and I know that if I really turned it over to God it wouldn't matter if he chooses for me to be single or married but it still hurts and makes me sad.

Do you think the stress of the past few months is catching up to me? Sickness, money issues, weight going up instead of down, brother issues, mom issues, job issues, etc. Please just pray. I know that He has it all planned out and again, I want to trust him. It is just hard to know that He gave me a heart that wants to be loved so much and yet hasn't brought that person into my life.

Dear Heavenly Father, I know that I am sounding really down and discouraged right now. I know, also, that it is okay to have doubts and fears and to express them. I just pray that if you really do choose to keep me single that you will bring me peace about being alone. Help me to not covet what others have. Lord I see so many people from church that have amazing relationships with their spouses. I watch the young people grow up and get married and I want that so bad. Help me to trust that you have a plan and that in your time it will be revealed. Thank you for this medium to post my thoughts so that the amazing friends you have brought into my life can know how to pray. I know that I am loved by each one of them. There is no doubt but it is still hard. Lord, help me to remember that above all else, you love me more than anyone ever could and I can't base my happiness on someone else. I have to be happy in you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. Thanks for tissues too.

Another day of being sick

2009-03-30T11:07:00.003-04:00

Well, at the rate I am going I will win the Biggest Loser on Wednesday because I finished my 1st round of antibiotics and two days later the sickness came back. I had to call in sick to work again today. VERY FRUSTRATING.

I went up to my doctor and he wrote me a perscription which the pharmacy won't fill because the perscription is too generic.

I know I haven't written much on the weight loss journey because I went up in weight over the holidays and have lost a lot again but I am still struggling. I am not sure what it will take to get my act together but I pray it happens soon without being tragic.

God Bless,
Karen

Benefits of being sick

2009-03-18T15:02:00.003-04:00

Okay. I know, weird title but I have found one benefit to being sick. I came home Monday night and my throat and left ear started hurting. It continued to get worse. It is now Wednesday and I still can't swallow.

Here is the benefit, when I went to the gym on Monday night I had gained 5 pounds over the weekend which put me at 306. Don't ask, tough weekend. Well, today was weigh-in day for Biggest Loser. Since I didn't go to work I obviously am not going to work out so I went and weighed in real quick. I weighed 294. Yes, I lost 12 pounds since Monday.

So, there it is. Get sick and you too can successfully lose weight.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. I found out I have Strep Throat. Not good. But I don't have to work tomorrow.

The Economic Crisis

2009-03-16T10:17:00.002-04:00

Okay, if you all know me you know that I do not like politics and I try to stay out of any political discussion because frankly, it is hard to trust them. I do realize that we are all human and running a country has got to be hard work and that you are not going to always make the right decisions but....

When I read articles about companies that have received billions of dollars in taxpayer bailout money and then they pay out bonuses to the executives and send $105 billion to banks that are in France and other countries I get a little frustrated. Now I understand about contracts and I am not in the executive's positions but I would think that if you were working for a company that was needing to be bailed out by the taxpayers wouldn't you even consider not accepting your bonus for the year? Especially if you already bring home a 6 figure salary. Okay, maybe I am being a little idealistic but I am looking at those of us who are barely making ends meet and whose company will be cutting hours for us hourly people and it kind of makes me frustrated.

I know that these executive's worked hard for their position. I don't want to take anything away from them but it is just so sad that all this money that we, as taxpayers, are giving them they want to send to out of the country banks.

Okay, I could vent for a while longer but I will stop for now.

Dear Heavenly Father, You have placed each of us exactly where you want us and I thank you for that. Please help me to remember that you are with me when I don't see the money coming in. Please also help me to remember that those in the banking industry that are receiving the bonuses and in government are your children too. I pray that if it is your will that some may even use those bonuses to help those in this country who are really struggling. Out of all this, please help at least one person who has made unethical and especially unbiblical choices to surrender his or her life to you. Thank your for all you give to each of us every day. In Jesus' name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Breaking hearts

2009-03-10T19:12:00.002-04:00

It's hard to even know where to start. I know I have mentioned my friend, Penny, who is going through Cervical Cancer. Well, she went in for internal radiation and the doctor told her husband that the treatments are not working. They are going to try something "outside the box"

I know that we can't give up hope and I know that the Lord is in this but my, along with countless others, heart is breaking. I've been through the loss of two very good friends before and it was hard. My friendship with Penny goes so much deeper than Terry or Beth's ever did. We are all praying for a miracle. God can perform one if that is what He wants.

We also have a guy who isn't that old in our church who has struggled with several medical problems. Well, his heart is failing and he will probably not make it very much longer.

Some how in all this since yesterday I have lost 5 pounds. (I figured I have cried off about 3 pounds and will probably get rid of at least a couple more before the night's over).

Dear Heavenly Father, you know this situation. You allowed it to happen exactly the way it is unfolding. We trust you and know that no matter what you choose Penny will never be loved any more by us then she already is by you. We also know that you love each one of us and will help us get through this time. We will surely be leaning on you harder than anything we have experienced. At least I know I will. Thank you for being there. Please be with Penny, Dustin and the kids. Please continue to comfort then and be with the rest of the family. Please hold them in your loving embrace and give them peace even in this hard time. In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Todays Tip

2009-03-09T08:20:00.000-04:00

Now here is some information you can't live without ...> >
At five minutes and six seconds after 4 AM on the 8th of July> this year, the time and date will be 04:05:06 07/08/09.

This will> never happen again> >

Now that was some useful info wasn't it???

Biggest Loser Audition

2009-03-08T16:29:00.007-04:00

Well, as some of you know I auditioned for the Biggest Loser yesterday at the open casting here in Central Ohio. 3 of my friends and I had VIP passes so we only had to wait 2 hours instead of the 6-9 that others were waiting.

We stood in line for about 1 1/2 hours of that time and then we were ushered into groups of 30 and moved down a hall. Then we were split into groups of 10 and eventually taken in a room and had 7 minutes for all 10 of us to tell our names, what our jobs were, how old we were and why we wanted to be on the Biggest Loser. My one friend went first and the poor administrator had to cut her off. My friend enjoys talking. Then we had about 40 seconds where the administrator asked if we thought that obese people were treated differently. Everyone had to talk at once. Unfortunatly I couldn't come up with a logical thought because the guy sitting beside me was YELLING IN MY LEFT EAR!!! I literally had trouble hearing out of my left ear when we left the room and for a few hours after. There is no possible way the administrator was able to hear what people were saying. I think she was just looking to see how we all reacted. I just ended up watching her and the others.

So, the next step will be if we get a phone call in the next 4 days now for another interview. Based on that 7 minutes I don't think I will get a call back but that is okay. It was still fun to go do it and I actually wasn't nervous. I just wanted to have fun and had to opportunity to meet some really cool people.

So, that was my day at the BL auditions. Oh, I did get to meet Jerry from last season. He is the police officer from Cleveland who's daughter Coleen ended up doing well on the show. She was at the audition too but I didn't get to meet her. Jerry shook my hand and signed my VIP pass.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the chance to possibly be on a show. I know that wether I get on the show or continue here at home You want me to be healthy. I pray that you will continue to remind me that my health is a choice and no matter what the safe way of losing the weight, I need to do this and can, with your help. In Jesus' name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. My friend who went first got a call back so it must work.

Roller Coaster Ride

2009-03-05T08:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, so if you know me at all you know one of the things I want to do when I lose more weight is go on a roller coaster. Well, in the past 7 months I feel like I have been on that roller coaster ride. And it hasn't been fun!!!

I lost the 100 pounds from October 2007 to July of 2008 then I have only lost 7 more since then and over the last 3 months I have gained 20 pounds back. IT IS SO FRUSTRATING!!!!! Yesterday was weigh-in day and I gained 2 pounds from last week. My right arm and my left knee have been hurting with injuries so I can't work out like I want to during the Biggest Loser at the gym.

I am not sure, besides humility, what the lesson I am going to learn is but I really pray that I get focused again and get back on track. I have started today good and just pray I make it through lunch with good choices.

God Bless,
Karen

My story in print

2009-02-26T11:40:00.002-05:00

My gym has a website and they put stories on about different people. They decided to put my story on the Biggest Loser section. If you are interested in reading it I have posted the link below. Kind of fun.
http://www.victoryfitnesscenter.net/~victory/biggestloser.html

Weigh-in was last night and I finished at the 5 pound loss mark. I have been having severe knee problems and so my workouts have been minimal at best. Please pray for this.

God Bless,
Karen

Quick Update

2009-02-19T08:42:00.001-05:00

BL had it's first weigh-in last night. It wasn't for elimination but I lost 5.2 pounds since the weigh in last Monday.

Still VERY SORE.

Have a great day,
God Bless,
Karen

Prayer Request

2009-02-17T12:28:00.003-05:00

Okay, we started the exercise portion of the Biggest Loser last night. I did 1/2 hour of core, 20 minutes of legs with Craig and two of my teammates and 1 hour of a Circuit class. Today I am very sore and I have Bootcamp tonight.

The problem is that my shoulder is still bothering me. I went to my orthopedic doctor today and he told me that there should not still be swelling and tenderness. I am having a Catscan on Friday morning. I think it is just that I have not totally rested it since I had the injury and that I just keep irritating it but I don't know. If you could just pray for this that would be great.

Also, my mom is having some serious financial problems that may result in the loss of her home. Please pray that the people wanting their money are willing to work with her and that she does what she is supposed to do.

Thanks,
God Bless,
Karen

Just chillin

2009-02-15T17:25:00.002-05:00

I am getting ready for church but I wanted just touch base about my party. Our Employee Banquet was Thursday night and it was fun. I knew by 4pm that I hadn't won the Employee of the Year because I designed the certificates and had to make up the top 5 certificates. My name was not on it!! Oh well.

We had so much fun. Everyone seemed to have a good time. Everyone said that I looked really good. That was fun. I feel so blessed that God brought a simple red dress and finalized all the details. Two of my dear friends who have been promoted to other properties were able to come so that was a blessing too.

Dear Heavenly Father, thanks for a fun and wonderful night. Thanks for special friends and just getting to spend time with co-workers in a fun setting. Help me to be a witness for you. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

Weigh-In (not good) and Answered Prayer (EXCELLENT)

2009-02-09T20:00:00.002-05:00

Okay, first the bad news. I weighed in tonight at 307.4. NOT GOOD AT ALL!!!! I did pretty well all day (I did eat bread pudding at lunch) until dinner tonight. I ate at White Castle because I was very hungry it was almost 8pm.

Tomorrow is another day and I will try again.

Okay, the good news. I bought a very pretty dress for my employee banquet on Thursday. The problem was that it is a sleeveless dress. So, today I decided to take it back since I couldn't make sleeves and a shawl would have driven me crazy. I stopped at Catherines to take some pants back and the girls at Catherines told me to try to find a sweater and not take my dress back. (It was from another store so it didn't benefit them). Anyway, I decided to stop at a local Thrift Store on my way to the gym. I went in, found the plus section and looked at EVERY black jacket/sweater they had. Finally, the last 3 I looked at there was one that was a short sweater in a 2X. I tried it on and it seemed to fit okay. So, I took it to the cashier and it wasn't the $3.99 listed but it was 1/2 off. That is right, not only did God send me to the Thrift Store but he gave it to me at 1/2 off. I took the dress and sweater to the gym to see the effect in a full length mirror. All the people who saw it so I guess it looks okay. So, the outfit I am wearing to my employee banquet cost me $18.12.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the Biggest Loser. Thank you that I am at a point that I see I need to lose this weight. Thank you also for making it clear that I should wear this dress. I know it is a small thing but thank you. In Jesus' name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

The Biggest Loser

2009-02-09T10:38:00.001-05:00

Okay, today is that day again. We start the Biggest Loser at the gym. I can’t wait. It was nice to take a break from that and mentally I think it showed me how important teams and friends are to help me on this journey. But I am ready to be back now.

As you have read from my previous post I have been struggling again. Okay, that is a minor word for what I have been going through. I have just not really tried. I have said I was going to “get going again” then promptly ate whatever fattening thing I wanted. Makes me really mad!!!

BUT, for today, this minute, I am done with that. I am saying it like this because I have never been good with following through on my promises and with my self-doubt at a high I want to make some small goals and then go from there.

I will post tonight on my current weight for the start of the contest. I will then post every Wednesday night on what my current weight is. I plan for it to go down but I do continue to ask for your prayers. I know they are there and I know that I am probably the only one who is struggling with believing that I can finish this so I thank you all for that. But I definitely need your prayers.

My adopted mom, Sue, sent me a card that I got on Saturday that had a bible verse that means a lot to me. It is Galatians 6:9 - Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. What a special verse.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the reminder that through you, if I continue on the path you are taking me, then it will all be worth it. You know my heart and know that I am afraid of failing again but you continue to bring people into my life that show me how much you believe in me. You also bring your word. Lord, help me to make decisions with my eating that will glorify you. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

Dreams and Goals

2009-02-06T09:56:00.001-05:00

So I just read a story about a competition with some frogs who where trying to race to the top of a really high tower. As they were climbing everyone that was watching was kept yelling that there was no way they could make it and that it was way to high. As the competition continued the frogs continued to fall off the tower. Finally, only one frog kept going and made it all the way to the top. Everyone was stunned. They asked him how he did it and found out that he was deaf so he never heard the doubters. This story encourages you to become “deaf” to the doubters and continue on to your goals and dreams. (By the way, I am the doubter in this story!!! Not you all - you believe in me)

That story, which I have read before, really makes me think about my goals and dreams. On Facebook we did this 25 random things about yourself. It took the help of friends to come up with 25 things because my entire life I only look at the negative about myself. Usually, when I make a goal the opposite happens. If I say I will not eat fast food for an entire week I end up eating there every day. If I say I need to get to a certain weight by a specific date, I don’t even come close and usually end up not losing anything or gaining. I am afraid to make goals.

As far as my dreams go I have kind of lost those as well. I look at my age getting higher and my dream of a husband and children doesn’t seem to be in my future. I know that God is in control and if He wants me to have a husband and children then he will bring that into my life but so far… Also, part of the dream was to actually carry that child and I am getting older by the day.

I also love my company I work for but I do not like all the paperwork and things I have to do. But, I don’t know what my “dream job” would be. I like so many things but don’t know what I could do with them.

I also want to be financially stable. If I want to go to a movie or buy a pair of shoes that I need I don’t want to have to feel guilty. But, because I am very poor at sticking to my budget I don’t even do what God asks me with His money.

Yes, this post sounds very negative. Sorry. It is really hard when you have grown up being negative. I am trying to look at it through God’s word but because I have been struggling again for the last several months I just continue to get more discouraged.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for working in my heart. I see you doing things that try to get my attention every single day and yet I continue to fight you on it all. Yet, you haven’t given up on me. Thank you so much for that. Please help me to create some goals and dreams that you want for me and then trust you to help me reach those. Lord, I thank you for the people in my life who encourage me every day even when I am sure they feel like a broken record. Help me to “empty me so that I can be filled with you”. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

Facebook, Old Friends and the Steelers

2009-02-03T08:45:00.003-05:00

As most of you who read this blog know there is this wonderful internet craze going around called Facebook. Now, I have to admit that when my friends started joining I thought they said "faithbook". Couldn't find it anywhere on the computer. Finally, I asked someone and they gave me the right address. So I joined. Didn't have a clue what I was doing but thought, okay, here is a way to keep in touch with my friends from church.

Little did I know that it would open a whole new world for me. I have been on it for about a year or so and have found many friends that I have not spoken to since high school and college. It has been such a blessing. I know that modern technology sometimes keeps us from spending time with God but I think that this can be used to glorify him and maybe introduce him to those who may never had heard anything about him.

I feel bolder when I am sending messages for some reason.

Probably the best part of this is the old friends. There have been 3-4 people that I haven't spoken to in a long time that were very special friends of mine. Time and life did not allow us to keep in touch but this has reintroduced us and for that I am very grateful.

If you are on facebook and I haven't "friended" you yet let me know. If you are not on facebook you should give it a try. It is not perfect and some of the ads on the side are not the greatest but the opportunity to reconnect with friends is amazing.

On a different note I just have to say GO STEELERS!!!!!! If you didn't know this either my Steelers won their 6th Superbowl Sunday. Only team in NFL history to win 6 Superbowls!!! I am very proud of them.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for modern technology. Lord, I think of the way people had to communicate when your son walked this earth in human form and to know that 2000 years later we can just turn on our computer and talk to a friend is amazing. Lord, please help us to use this technology to glorify you and not for reasons that would not be pleasing. In Jesus' name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Vacation?

2009-01-29T09:42:00.004-05:00

Okay, so several weeks ago I thought I had 3 days of vacation left and was going to use 2 personal days to take a full week off. Well, I double checked with my payroll and through Human Resources and figured out I still had 5 days left so I finally settled on this week to take off.

Well, we have had a winter storm here and I have been stuck inside since Tuesday evening. (I did go out and shovel my driveway yesterday). I HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE. There are times when I wish I could just stay home and do nothing but that time has ended.

I also just checked my emails from work and the HR coordinator emailed and said that not only do I not have 5 days of vacation but I only have 2 days. Which means if she is right then I will not get paid for tomorrow. Not a good thing. I have to wait until Monday to double check everything. I still think I have at least 3 days.

So, this vacation is not turning out to be one of my favorites but it will all workout.

God bless,
Karen

Sitting in a radio station

2009-01-26T10:22:00.003-05:00

Well, I am sitting in the basement of a local Christian radio station. They are doing a "Mission of Mercy" radiothon. Mission of Mercy is an organization that allows you to support children from all over the world. So far, the phone hasn't rung. It is the beginning of the time so I pray it picks up.

I decided to do this because, as much as I would like to sponser a child, financially I can't right now.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you so much for this ministry. We pray that all 197 children get sponsered and that they have a chance to know you as their personal saviour. Please bless those who are willing to support a child. In Jesus' Name, Amen

Health by choice

2009-01-22T08:11:00.004-05:00

As you have read in the last few emails my friend Penny is going through a cancer diagnosis. It is not good but thank the Lord, could be worse.

Well, it has made me stop and realize something. (Shouldn't have taken this but sometimes God has to use something big to get my attention). Penny has no control over her health. What is happening to her is for a reason and we may never know it but she did not ask for it and none of us want to see her go through it. This is a disease that comes out of no where and the only thing that can be done is what the doctors have learned and if God chooses to heal then he will. But Penny can only do what the doctor is asking her to do.

I, however, am still at a seriously unhealthy weight and though my vitals, heart and general health is good right now every day I remain overweight I am risking that health. The difference is that I have a choice. I am not overweight because of some disease. I am overweight because of making poor choices and using my experiences growing up as an excuse to hide. I, with God's help, can lose this weight and get healthy. I have that choice and that ability. I don't need the doctors to give me medicine or any of that stuff. I just need to make better decisions.

Lord, thank you for showing me that my health is a choice. I, with your help, can lose this remainder of weight and get to a healthy weight so that I can accomplish so much more for you. Please continue to show me that my health is a choice. There are so many out there who don't have the option to get healthy. Help me to stop making excuses and start losing this weight again. You continue to show me that my weight loss is doing good for others as well. Please continue to be with Penny and her family. Please, if it is your will, heal Penny of this disease that she has no control over. Thank you that you are a loving and all powerful God who can work miracles. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

If you have an issue that you can control to get healthy please don't wait until a friend get's sick and has no control. Take the step to make the changes necessary to get healthy now.

God Bless,
Karen

God is definately in Control

2009-01-21T14:26:00.002-05:00

As you know, my friend is battling an ugly disease, cancer. I won't go into details but we found out good and bad news today.

Over the next few months she will be undergoing a lot of treatments. Next week being one of the biggest ones.

A few months ago I realized that I still had 5 vacation days left before March 14th, my 9th anniversary. I looked at the calendar and thought of a few weeks to use it. I finally settled on the week of January 25th. See where I am going with this? God knew in advance that my friend would be having these treatments next week and worked it out so that I would be available the entire week except for a two hour window on Monday to help in any way that I was needed.

He has also given me the opportunity to show His hand in all this. A few people have said how funny it is that I took the same week off that I would be needed. I was able to explain that God knew I would need to take that week off and there was nothing strange about it.

Heavenly Father, thank you so much for your hand in everything. Thank you for the encouraging news about Penny. We know that it will be a long struggle and that the danger is not over for her but I thank you for what you have done so far. Thank you for giving me next week off so that I could be available to help whereever I am needed. Please continue to watch over Penny and her family. The fight she has ahead of her will be long and hard but we can see there is hope!!! In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

"Sometimes He Calms the Storm"

2009-01-20T09:33:00.002-05:00

Several years ago I worked at a Christian Bookstore in a part time capacity. Since I have been at my current part time job for 12 1/2 years it has been a really long time. Anyway, there was a CD by a new artist named Scott Krippayne. I loved the CD and bought the demo copy. I had not listened to it in years, however. So, when I put it in my CD player a couple of weeks ago it was like hearing a new CD all over again. The songs are all wonderful. But, one has really stood out to me over the last week. I have put the words below.

The song is called "Sometimes He Calms the Storm". As Christians we are not promised a perfect life. We are just promised that no matter what this life brings, Christ will be with us through it all. This last week has really taken me to places of discouragment but then I feel God "holding me" . Not only is my friend, Penny, and her family going through this cancer diagnosis but my uncle, who I grew up near, is on life support in a hospital in New Orleans because of COPD. The only thing I can do in this situation is turn it over to Him and be still and know that when the winds are whipping that He is holding me tight in His arms.

I pray the words of this song help you as much as they are helping me.

God Bless,
Karen

All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control
Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn’t mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child
He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we’re shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place

Perspective

2009-01-14T18:08:00.002-05:00

You know, this journey has had so many ups and downs that when I look back I wonder why I waste so much time and then I wonder how things go so fast.

Well, I found out some not good news about a friend who is like my sister today. I won't go into detail but looking at the journey she and her family will have to take my journey has been nothing.

Dear Heavenly Father, You have a plan in everything and this is no different. I pray that whatever You do in this situation that we don't forget that you are never going to leave us or forsake us. Please be with my friend and her family in this time. In Jesus' name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

Shoulders and weather

2009-01-08T11:23:00.003-05:00

It has been awhile since I posted. Not a lot going on. The New Year was a good one. I only had to work until 11:30pm and got in my front door at 11:59pm and 46 seconds. I got to see the ball drop for 14 seconds. No one did anything this year. Clayton was in Arizona with his band and so it seemed that nothing got organized. We were all home and most in bed by like 12:05am.

I have been going to the gym regularly but not really pushing it. On the 20th of December I hurt my shoulder and it is still bothering me big time. I am heading to an orthopedic doctor in a few minutes. He will probably tell me that it is just a slight injury and I will have to deal with it. I just don't want to injure it more but it sure is hindering me from working out. I tried to do bootcamp on Saturday and did some pushups. It hurt really bad after and then I tried to do some shoulder raises Tuesday and it hurts again. I haven't done the barbell class since the 20th and I only do the bike and elliptical because I hold on with the treadmill and it pulls the shoulder. We start the Biggest Loser again in February and I really want to do it but if my shoulder is not well I don't know.

Last night I didn't get to the gym because we are having some sleet and snow. I made Clayton walk me to my car from church because it was really slippery. Maybe it will be good to take the days off. Then Saturday when I go back my body will be ready for a good workout?

Anyway, that is what is happening in my world. I am reapplying to the Biggest Loser for Season 8. I watched the new season start on Tuesday and it scares me to see if I can do that. Josh, one of my trainers, confirmed that I could do it. I wish I believed in myself as much as others do sometimes.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for all that you bring into my life. If this shoulder injury is something that you brought to slow me down please help me to see that. If you are trying to get me to totally rely on you and not the gym or anything else please help me to see that too. Thank you for the people in my life. Help me to see myself the way that you and others see me.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

Get my act together

2008-12-27T16:43:00.004-05:00

Okay. I went to the gym today and knew that I needed to work on getting my act together. Little did I know that it is worse than I thought. I weighed in to see where I was so I would have a "starting" point again. I hit the 300 pound mark again. Yes, you are reading right. I am VERY DISAPPOINTED!!!! That doesn't mean that I am stopping. I have done pretty well today and will go back to the one meal at a time. That is all I can do on my end. I need to really take time to pray about all of this and turn it over to God again. I have fought Him and used the excuse that it was the holidays so I could be bad. Well, the holidays are over. No more excuses.

Can I ask two favors of you though? Can you first and foremost pray for this situation? I know that you have been and I am so thankful for that but I really need it more than ever right now. Mentally, today, I am ready to tackle this again with God's help. Secondly, please don't give me any excuses for my eating. What I need is people telling me the truth. I know that people struggle. There is no way that we can't, we are human but that doesn't give me an excuse to eat poorly all the time. Yes, occasionally but when I complain or feel mad about my choices everyone tells me that you have to "cheat" every once in awhile, well, unfortunatly I am getting that all the time. My "every once in awhile" is turning out to be WAY TO FREQUENTLY. I know that everyone is trying to be encouraging and I am so thankful for all of that but knowing my personality, I know that is not the best thing. PLEASE DON'T STOP ENCOURAGING. But don't give me an excuse that I can use to eat poorly.

Dear Heavenly Father, I am so thankful for the special people you have brought into my life. It has been so amazing and I know that when they tell me something about every one making mistakes and needing to "cheat" that they are trying to encourage and help me not feel bad about myself but you know my heart and my head and you know that I will use that as an excuse to continue to "cheat" and do it even more. Lord, thank you for taking me back up in weight so that I can see what my choices are doing. You have brought me too far for me to stop now and I know that with your help I can continue this journey you have me on. You have something special planned and for that I am so excited. Please help me to do this journy for Your honor and glory and to be healthy.
In Jesus' Name,
Karen

You gotta love answered prayers

2008-12-18T16:16:00.001-05:00

I don't want to go into a lot of details about this answered prayer but I just wanted to let you know that God has already answered a prayer from my previous post. Let's just say it brought happy tears to my eyes and has nothing to do with bringing a guy into my life. (Though I am going to a law office party in a few minutes. Who knows...)

Anyway,

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you so much for another answered prayer and an opportunity to talk to the person about it. Even when I doubt and complain you are still answering them anyway. In Jesus' Name, Amen

God bless,
Karen

The Thought of Happiness

2008-12-18T09:24:00.003-05:00

HAPPY–adjective
1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.
3. favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky: a happy, fruitful land.
4. apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas.
5. obsessed by or quick to use the item indicated (usually used in combination): a trigger-happy gangster. Everybody is gadget-happy these days.

So, wonder why I have placed that above description for all to read? Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking about this subject. Last night when I went to the gym I didn't want to be there, I had gone home, fed the cats, stopped and got a quick bite to eat, stopped at a clothing store and bought an outfit (which I couldn't afford but needed) so I felt guilty by the time I got to the gym. Then I had tried to call mom a couple of times and she didn't answer so I was afraid her phone didn't work again and headed over there. So, by the time I got back to the gym I was in a bad mood AGAIN. Craig asked me how I was doing and I told him I was grumpy.

It hit me then that I am around a lot of people throughout my day who are in a bad mood or who have a negative outlook on things and I let that affect me. I am so tired of being in a bad or grumpy mood all the time. I constantly wonder what is wrong with me that God hasn't brought someone into my life. Then I realize that having a constant negative and bad attitude makes me not want to be around certain people so who would want to be around me in that state of mind? I don't even want to be around me a lot of times.

I have been blessed with so many wonderful friends and love everyone of them but I go home lonely and sad everynight. I talk on the phone all day at work so I tell people I don't like to talk on the phone. If I go out to dinner I don't invite anyone because I want to read my book. I don't keep my house as clean as I should and use my cats health as an excuse to not have people over yet I complain about being lonely. ARRRRGGGGGHHHH. I know I push people away and don't invite people in because I am afraid. Afraid of being hurt, afraid of people leaving AGAIN, afraid that I will fail like I have done so many times in the past.

I don't want to be like this. I want to be happy. But not happy in the world, happy in Christ. He gives me opportunities each and every day and I constantly fight him or turn away his gifts of love, support and encouragement.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the gifts that you give. Gifts of love, hope, encouragement and most importantly, your Son. Lord, help me to search you out and to be happy in you. Not in myself, not in what others say or do for me but in Your love only. Help me to stop turning away the things you want to give me and ignoring the lessons that you are trying to teach me. Lord, I do love you and thank you for it all.
In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Out of the mouth of babes

2008-12-09T11:51:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I was having lunch on Sunday with my family from church. We were celebrating Sue and Katie's birthday. I ended up sitting next to my 6 year old niece, Anna. We were talking about her mom turning 40 this coming Friday and I told Anna that I was older than her mom. She looks directly at me and says, "Then why aren't you married?" Her parents just laughed and I looked at her and explained that God hadn't brought someone into my life yet. She told me that I need to get married and be a mom.

I thought that was a pretty profound statement. I like the idea a lot but had to explain to her that it was in God's timing not mine. I did mumble that I would love for it to be sooner rather than later since I am getting older but...

So, anyway, I was pretty happy she thought I would be a good mom.

God bless,
Karen

Galatians 3:1-5

2008-12-03T09:52:00.004-05:00

Galatians 3:1-5 (New International Version)
Galatians 3
Faith or Observance of the Law 1You foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? Before your very eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified. 2I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? 3Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? 4Have you suffered so much for nothing—if it really was for nothing? 5Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?

Okay. Are you wondering what this verse has to do with me? Well, even if you aren't I have to tell you. As most of you know I have been struggling for a long time. This journey started out easy and I have made it hard. God continues to give me opportunities to get heathly and I keep balking at Him. Well, last night I was walking around my house praying as I was getting ready for bed. I asked him to show me what I was doing to sabotage this step of obedience that he has me on. When I sat down and opened my Bible the passage that he sent to me was Gal 3:1-5.

Yes, this passage is talking about salavation and that you can't do anything to get to heaven you just have to have the faith that Christ was born and then died on the Cross to save me. But, if you read some of the words it is also talking to me about trying to do things my own way and not having the faith that I started this journey with. The faith that says, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6 Especially verse 3.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for answering that pray immediately. I know that you have a plan. Even this morning you brought someone into my scope who was asking questions on how I have lost this weight so far. I pray that one meal at a time I can do your will and make choices that will glorify you and get me back started on the direction to be healthier so that I can do your work. In Jesus Name, Karen

It's been awhile

2008-12-02T09:57:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to touch base. I pray that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving? I had a nice one. Quiet the first part since it was just Mom and me and then very fun and noisy the second part since it was with my adopted family that have 14 grandkids and 12 additional adults plus me.

I didn't do too bad on my eating. I gained 2 pounds but I seem to do that just by breathing so... I did come down with an allergy cold though. Still fighting that. I worked out Friday and Saturday which was good but hard. When you struggle to breath normally from a cold adding a workout really pushes it. They were good and intense.

God is still working with me in a lot of areas. (I know, He never stops) but these seem to be areas that He has tried to get my attention on a lot. I was just thinking as I was coming in this morning that last year at this time I was excited to walk up the stairs instead of use the elevator. This year I am struggling with that. So, even though I am still struggling with this goofy breathing/cold I used the steps in the walkway and from the basement to the third floor.

These are just the little things I need to work on to bring me back to where I was at last year. God hasn't walked away from this journey, I have drifted some. Just need to get back in the right direction.

God Bless,
Karen

A long way from last year

2008-11-24T11:34:00.003-05:00

Well, it is Thanksgiving week again. I decided to look back at last years posts to try to remind me of where I was a year ago.

One of my biggest fears with this journey has been that I would fail or quit 1/2 way through. As most of you are reading you know that I have struggled a lot since July. I realized something last night though. I am the only one right now who feels that I will fail. God believes in me, the people at church believe in me, the people at work believe in me and my family believes in me. Why do I have to be the one who is sure I will fail? I guess I know my former self. I know where I have been and how I usually end up doing things. I usually end up giving up.

One of the reasons for this blog was to encourage others with my journey but the thing I need to do now is go back and see where my thoughts were when I was doing well. I can get there again. I know that God hasn't brought me this far for no reason. He has a plan and this struggle is a part of it. I just need to stop and listen to him and see what it is about.

I will do well, with his help. I know that I can make it through Thanksgiving without going overboard. If you want to pray that would be great though. I can use all the help I can get.

God bless,
Karen

My television debut

2008-11-18T08:32:00.003-05:00

It is funny. Last night was the Makeover segment on the local news. They were so nice!!! Some of the things that both Jacob Neal and the tv newscaster said really nice things. I was very happy with the turnout.

I am hoping that my friend can copy it and my commercial from the video tape to his dvr so that I can upload them both. If he can I will add it to here.

Anyway, most of the people I told about it forgot to watch and the ones that I didn't tell actually saw it. They want me to bring in the video tomorrow.

God bless,
Karen

P.S. I think Brandy is doing better. I am still not sure but I didn't leave her in the spare room today. I let her stay out since she ate most of her food. Poor baby is still not back to where she was.

Pets

2008-11-13T08:32:00.002-05:00

These last few days have been very hard on me. I have a beautiful cat named Brandy Marie. She is around 14 years old and was diagnosed with end stage Kidney Failure in February 2005. She was given 3 months to live. It is now November of 2008. She has been doing so well. Even Monday morning she was eating fine.

When I came home Monday night she didn't meet me at the door and then when she came down she didn't eat. She hasn't eaten since Monday morning at 7am. I have taken her to the vet two times. Her kidney functions were good and her heart and lungs sounded good. So, the vet gave me an appetite stimulant. If that doesn't work then I will have to put her to sleep on Saturday.

It has been breaking my heart. I knew that this time would come but it is still so hard. She is my baby!!!! I don't know if you have pets or if you understand how special they are to me but she is my baby and I will miss her if I have to put her down.

The good thing is that she nibbled today on her food. I have her closed in a spare room with all the amenities a cat would ever need. She should be fine in there. Food is out. I had to put her in there because her sister would eat the food if I didn't and I wouldn't know if Brandy or Brittany ate.

Anyway, I pray that I have a little more time with her but if I don't that God will make it clear that it is the time.

God Bless,
Karen

My afternoon at the spa

2008-11-11T18:59:00.006-05:00

Well, the day at home didn't start well. Actually it started last night when I got home. My baby, Brandy, normally meets me at the door for her food with her sister, Brittany but last night she was not there. She did come down stairs but didn't eat anything at all. She has had end stage kidney failure since February 2005 and was only supposed to last 3 months. So, I figured it was time. I cried from the time I got home until I came home from the vet today. The vet thinks she has an infection and gave me an antibiotic and pain medicine. Then told me to give her extra liquid treatments because she was a little dehydrated. So, that is good news so far. (She still hasn't eaten and it is 7pm on Tuesday night but I am praying.)

Anyway, so I knew that the makeup artist would have her work cut out for her since I had cried for several hours. I arrived at 1:30pm and the camera man for the tv station came in a few minutes after. They put me in the lovely robes and had me sit in a chair and not smile so they could get my before picture. Then Michael colored my hair a dark brown and lightened my eyebrows. Then he cut my hair pretty short and styled it pretty funky. I don't think I will be able to duplicate it but... Then Phyllis took me in and waxed my eyebrows. Then she put a lot of makeup on me. It looked great though. She kept telling me how beautiful my eyes are and how long my eyelashes are.

Then I put my shirt back on, they found me a nice necklace and then Michael "puffed" my hair back into shape. Then the camera man had me sit in another chair and took an after shot of me. I had a big smile on my face. The good thing was that the salon people want me to come back and do it again when I make my goal weight. I thought that was pretty cool!!!

Then I went to the gym and everyone there thought it looked great. They all commented on my hair and a couple of the guys make really nice comments.

All in all it was a great time. I wish Brandy's health hadn't been hanging over my head but God has His reasons. The show will air on Monday sometime between 5pm and 6pm. Here is a picture.

God Bless,
Karen

GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

2008-11-10T12:38:00.003-05:00

Awhile ago I think I entered a local television station contest for a "Jacob's Monday Makeover" contest. I just got an email asking for my phone number. The lady called me from the television station and I won!!!! I get to go tomorrow and have a makeover done then they will film it and I will be on the television next Monday evening!!!!!

I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll tell you how it goes tomorrow night.

God Bless,
Karen

Addition

2008-11-06T20:57:00.003-05:00

I just read something in a dear friends blog about the election yesterday and how she was handling it. The one line in there that really got to me was about not allowing Satan to enjoy her anger and fear.

That is what I am doing by holding on to this negative/poor me attitude.

Dear Heavenly Father, I know you are in control. Lord, you are bigger than any struggle or fears that I may have. Thank you for Megan's reminder that giving into these attitudes just brings joy to Satan and destroys my testimony for You. Which is what he wants. But you are much bigger than him as well and I thank you that you sent your son to be my saviour. In Jesus name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

Posting about everything but emotions.

2008-11-06T20:39:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I have been posting about a lot of things but my weight situation. I guess the reason is that it is the same ole, same ole. I made it to the 286 pound mark 2 weeks ago and have done nothing but go up from there. I haven't wanted to post because it seems that all of my posts about my weight have been negative and I don't want to keep going there.

A lot of the emotions stem from being a woman. I do have an appointment in December with my doctor and I will be talking to her then to see if there is anything that can help. But, I am also using that as an excuse to just be negative and not try. The old patterns are continually rearing their ugly heads more each day. I am using food as my comfort and escape. There are again, so many stresses in my life right now and even though I need to turn them over to God I am struggling with how to do it. AGAIN. Things again feel out of control. I am burned out on working 2 jobs, I have no money, my family is still not talking and there are a lot of medical problems with them too. One of the things that the Bible says is that you should give your ties to the church first and then God will supply the other things you need. I am so far behind that if I give money to church then I will be even further behind on my other bills because I am trying to play catch up. I want to be obedient but...

Well, that is kind of where I am at right now. Sorry to once again make this a negative post. I am confident that He who has begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. I just need to continue to focus on that in my heart and not just in my head.

God Bless,
Karen

A New Era

2008-11-05T10:07:00.005-05:00

Well, I will admit that I do not like politics. I try to avoid them as much as possible. But I felt that I should document my feelings on the new era that the United States is getting ready to experience.

Last night the country elected it's first African American President. Now, the only reason I write it that way is because it is history. No matter how you look at it. And I will tell you that I did not vote for him not because of his race or anything else. If there had been a candidate that I believed based his/her beliefs on God's word then it wouldn't matter to me what race, color, or gender. I did not vote for him because there are too many questions about the people he associates with, his experience and especially his biblical beliefs. He is pro-abortion and pro-same sex marriage among other things. Now, I know that these topics are touchy and I am not writing this to offend anyone but the bible is clear on these issues and therefore I have to base my vote on that.

The other thing that scares me is as I was walking upstairs from taking the mail down I overheard the newscaster mention that he had received an email from someone in Iraq and that the Taliban is excited because now they can negotiate with the United States. How scary is that? That is just one example.

There are so many other reasons but I just listed a few. I know that God is in control and I know that there will be some people who will read this and not be happy with the post but as a Christian I feel the need to document about the changes in our country. And no matter what, this is our country. I love America, I love the freedom's that I receive and I love the fact that I have a choice. Sometimes the end result is not what I wanted but I know that somehow this next chapter can somehow end good and that God will be glorified. One of the ways is the way, we as Christians, handle our words, our actions and our witness.

Heavenly Father, thank you for the freedoms we have to choose. Though the election didn't turn out how the majority of the Christian population wanted we know that you are in control. Please be with Mr. Obama, guide him in his decisions and help him to come to know you as his personal saviour. Lord, please be with America. This country was founded on Christian principles and I pray that we would come back to those. Again, thank you for your hand in all of this. Amen

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. I guess the Redskins theory was accurate. The stat is 18-18 now.

Voting and theories

2008-11-04T09:02:00.003-05:00

Okay, I was up at 6:25am and out of the house by 6:50am this morning to vote. I wanted to be there by 7am. When I arrived they had split the check-in lines from A-K and L-Z. Fortunately, my name is still in the L's so I got the shorter line. I was in and out by 7:55am. The people in the A-K line were waiting an extra 1/2 hour.

So, do your duty and get out and vote. It may take awhile but this will be an opportunity that God is giving you to meet your neighbors and show Him through how you handle waiting in long lines.

Now onto theories. A friend told me yesterday that if it was sunny on election day then the Republican's win and if it was raining the Democrats win. Well, it is sunny today. But... During the Pittsburgh Steelers/Washington Redskins game last night the announcers stated that if the Redskins win their final home game before the election then Republicans win and if they lose then the Democrats win. Guess what? They lost. (I tried really hard to root against my Steelers but just couldn't do it). GO STEELERS.

So, we will see which theory works. Actually, since God is in control of this entire thing it doesn't matter which theory "wins" he has it all planned out.

Heavenly Father, thank you for the right and duty to vote. Thank you for the freedoms and responsibility to make our voices heard. We ask that you will be with this election day. That you will keep everyone safe and help those who are standing in long lines to be calm and to establish friendships no matter what direction they are voting. Even right now, help someone who is voting based on your word to be a strong influence in a non-believers life. Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

I love my trainers

2008-10-29T09:28:00.006-04:00

I just have to thank God for the two special trainers He has placed in my life. I wish I could afford to have them train me on a one on one basis all the time but... I am not going to elaborate on why they are so special but just know that Craig and Josh are two of the people who make working out and doing this journey so special. I pray that if you are on a similar journey that He will bring someone into your life like these two men.

God Bless,

Karen

A needed day off...

2008-10-28T13:21:00.003-04:00

I had a great time last night. I had the blessing of ushering at the "Main Event" down at OSU. James Laurinaitis, Malcolm Jenkins and some other OSU players along with Coach Tressel spoke about their faith and belief in Christ. How they are Christians first, and are just blessed with the platform of being an OSU Football player to spread the gospel. It was really fun!!!

I thought I would be helping input cards from the attendees and so I took today off to get them done by 2am this morning. Well, I didn't have to but I still have the day off. I have done NOTHING!!!!! It is almost 1:30pm and I am still in my nightgown. I took a long bath to finish reading a book I was working on and am watching a show about babies.

Now, don't think I am going to be a total bum today. I am getting ready to go to the gym and play in the pool then the hottub then the sauna. Oh, I am also getting a new workout card today by Craig, doing the Barbell class with Craig and having Josh work with me on endurance on the treadmill.

So, just wanted to share my lazy day.

Heavenly Father, Thank you for days like this. Though my house has a lot of things that need done there are days that we just need to have this time to relax too. In Jesus Name, Amen

"Unknown"

2008-10-26T16:11:00.003-04:00

Fire and Rain is my favorite song
I say a prayer at 11:11
I could watch old movies all night long
I'm not sure about hell but I know there's a heaven
Sometimes at feel so alone it scares me
I talk in my sleep but there's no one to hear me
Unknown
I don't want to be unknown
The little things that make me who I am
I need to share
I need to know that someone cares
That I drink coffee black
That I sing when I drive
That I sleep with the TV on
More then anything
I don't want to be unknown
I love September when leaves turn gold
I get nervous in crowed places
Someday I want to see San Francisco
I'm bad with names, but remember faces
I need more then a kiss, more then a lover
I'm a world that's waiting to be discovered
UnknownI don't want to be unknown
The little things that make me who I am
I need to shareI need to know that someone cares
That I write down my dreams
That I love when it rains
I burn candles when I'm alone
More then anything
I don't want to be unknown
More then anything
No one wants to be unknown

The above words are from a song on an album by a country singer named Chely Wright. I hadn't listened to this CD for awhile and decided to pull it out a few weeks ago. This song really hit home. Though the likes are not mine and I definately believe in Heaven and Hell the message in the song is what works on my heart.

I have been blessed with a great group of friends that are so special to me but I don't want to be "unknown". God has a plan for my life and if He wants me to have that human companionship then I know that he will bring him to me. And I know that He is the one who will know me better than anyone will ever but...

Anyway, thought I would share a little piece of my heart.

God Bless,
Karen

Missions, Bootcamp and Biggest Loser

2008-10-25T16:29:00.004-04:00

Well, today was a very cold day outside in the land of the midwest. And, guess what we had today at the gym? An outdoor "Fitness on a Mission" fundraising event. It started at 9am with a pump and run contest which my friends Sherry and Lisa participated in. They did great!!! Sherry came in third and Lisa came in fourth. I was so proud of them. Then it was the "Biggest Outdoor Bootcamp". Not just for the Biggest Loser contestants but for everyone so it was real. I think I did pretty well. I am pretty tired right now though.

Then we had the team competition for the Biggest Loser. So, we started by high-stepping over some mini-cones with a pole across them, shuffling over these things, hopping over very little hurdles (I still had trouble), carrying 4 tires around three boxing thingies and putting them on a pole and then, the finale. We had to do an inflatable obstacle course. Okay, I have to be honest, it scared the daylights out of me!!!! We had to go through a hole, climb over a wall that was about 3-4 feet tall (don't know how tall but...), run through a smaller hole, climb under or over or through another wall and then pull ourselves up this very little latter thing to a giant slide and come down. Wow, I didn't think I could do it but guess what? I made the entire thing in 2 minutes and 46 seconds. Now, I know that is a lot of time since the people who did a good job finished in around 50 seconds but I DID IT!!!! I even have an outside witness. My friend Penny and her 4 kids came and watched the competition!!! Thank you so much Penny. Here is a picture of something similar to the one we did. I couldn't find an exact one but you get the idea.

So, that was a fun time had by all and a lot of money raised for some great organizations.

Dear God, thank you for the sunshine you gave us today along with the safety. Thank you for allowing me to do something that I didn't believe I would ever be able to do. Thanks as well for Penny and her family. It was such a cold day but you still allowed her to come out and watch. You know how special that was to me. Amen

God Bless,

Karen

The inches are leaving

2008-10-23T12:07:00.002-04:00

Just a quick update. I was measured yesterday and lost a total of 18 inches overall from September 1st to October 22 (which incidentally was my one year anniversary for being activally working out at the gym).

I am pretty excited.

Dear God, Thank you so much for helping me lose these inches. I know that I get discouraged when the pounds don't go away but you are reminding me that it isn't all about pounds but the inches are a great thing. Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Another Answered Prayer

2008-10-21T09:22:00.003-04:00

Well, I am pretty sure that Thomas and I have a lot in common when it comes to doubting. As you know if you have been reading my blog since July I have struggled to lose more weight. Well, last Wednesday I made it back to my original lowest weight of 290.2. So, Thursday I weighed in again to see if it was just water weight that I had lost. I still weighed 290.2. What a blessing that was!!!!!

Okay, so after not working out since Thursday and having Mexican and donuts over the weekend I was a little afraid to get on the scale last night. So, after the Core class I stepped on the scale and about fell over. READY??? I was at 288.6!!! That is right, I am FINALLY in the 280's. I know it wasn't water either since I had not really sweated yet. I grabbed Criag and made him look at the scale too so that I had a witness!!! Now, just to stay in that direction.

Now, why you may ask, do I compare myself to Thomas? Well, I had begun to doubt I would ever lose any more weight.

Thank you God for answering yet another prayer. Especially from someone who wants to be in "control" and fights you so hard on things!!! What a blessing it is to know that you love me and want the best for me no matter how stubborn I become.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. I ended this round of the Biggest Loser at 286.6. Another 2 pounds from Monday!!! I am getting measured tonight (10/22/08). I will let you know what happens there.

God's stretching weekend.

2008-10-19T21:27:00.003-04:00

Well, it sure has been an interesting weekend. Yesterday was hard because it was homecoming at the college I went to. I would have graduated in 1989 so I would of known a lot of people who would have been there. I went to the game and the school won!!! We are 6-0 now. First time in forever, well since I have been following them 23 years ago. But, I didn't see anyone I knew. There was one guy I recognized but I couldn't tell you his name.

When I came home I watched the rest of the Ohio State Game (which we won) and then mom wanted me to take her to Target. I am so tired from working out every night that I can, going to church, working two jobs and everything that is going on. I am also frustrated because I don't have any money. My finances are so out of control right now that I am not sure what my next step is. I got so frustrated last night that I was very angry. I was angry that I can't eat what I want to eat, angry that I can't buy what I want to buy, that I can't help my mom the way I need and want to. So, knowing that it is okay to get frustrated and really talk to God, he and I chatted quite a bit in between my crying and throwing my little temper tantrum. I know that He only wants the best for me and that all of my money problems are because of choices I am making and that He is trying to teach me a lesson. I just have to learn the lesson.

Then today he asked me to really step outside of my box/comfort zone. I had to make an announcement in front of the entire church about a ladies tea. Then I had to give my testimony tonight in the ladies class. Now, if most of you know me you know that I love to talk - and especially about myself but not in front of people. I freak out. But, He was with me the entire time. I made it through both things and am able to tell about it. I even only cried slightly during my testimony. If you also know me you know that was a miracle in itself!!!

God, thank you for all the lessons you are teaching me. Thank you for your love and guidance. Please help the words you gave and give me through this blog and my testimony to make a difference in someone's life. Help someone come to know you or come closer to you through something you might say through me. Amen (Now I am ready to listen-I guess you had to be in the ladies class tonight)

God Bless,
Karen

Weird Encounter

2008-10-14T10:48:00.002-04:00

Okay. I got up this morning and had to stop at the grocery store since my schedule is so crazy in the evenings. As I was checking out at the self-checkout counter I forgot two cans of cat food in my cart. The attendant who watches the station needed a register but I had to finish so I could get to work. I rang up my order and then apologized to this elderly gentleman for holding up the line. He looked at me kind of weird but said it wasn't a problem. (or something like that).

I headed out to my car and was loading the groceries in the trunk when this same gentleman came out to his car (which happened to be two spots away from mine) and he started to talk to me about the weather. Then about feeding stray cats that he has, then about people who abandon cats, etc. In this period I finally opened my door and started to get in the car. He realized that I was getting ready to leave and as he headed to his car he looked at me and said, "You have such a pretty face." I WAS SHOCKED!!! That was the last thing I ever expected. It really humbled me to have God use an older gentleman who I happened to take a minute to talk to to encourage me. What a blessing.

So, that was my weird encounter for the day.

God Bless,
Karen

John 5 Question

2008-10-08T09:11:00.002-04:00

If you notice at the top of my journey I have added the question, "Do you want to be well?" This comes from the passage out of John 5 that I have placed below. 3 years ago, when I was 38, our pastor spoke on this passage and it really hit me hard. One of the things that was pointed out in this passage is that in that time, if you were an invalid you probably made a pretty good living by begging and if you were healed then that income would go away. The man made several excuses as to why he couldn't make it into the healing pool to get well.

I feel that God is asking me this same question. "Do you want to get well?" This weight struggle has not only been physical but emotional as well. I have done well up until July but as most of you know, have struggled with the same habits I had before I started this journey. I need to stop and examine this question. God has really laid it on my heart again, even stronger than the first time. The obvious answer is yes but am I being truly honest? I don't know. I do know that I am spending more time in His word and I know that is a step in the right direction.

God Bless,
Karen

John 5
The Healing at the Pool 1Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. 2Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda[a] and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. 3Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.[b] 5One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"

7"Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me."

8Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." 9At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. The day on which this took place was a Sabbath, 10and so the Jews said to the man who had been healed, "It is the Sabbath; the law forbids you to carry your mat."

11But he replied, "The man who made me well said to me, 'Pick up your mat and walk.' "
12So they asked him, "Who is this fellow who told you to pick it up and walk?"
13The man who was healed had no idea who it was, for Jesus had slipped away into the crowd that was there.

14Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, "See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you." 15The man went away and told the Jews that it was Jesus who had made him well.

Well, 1 year down...

2008-10-03T20:40:00.002-04:00

Today is my 1 year anniversary for this journey. If you have been following you know what a roller coaster ride it has been.

I want to first of all thank you once again for all your encouragement, love, empathy and most of all, your prayers!!! I would never have made it this far without God using each and every one of you!!! I wish I could give each and every one of you a hug to thank you.

These last three months have been pretty discouraging for me in that I hit my 100 pound weight loss in July and haven't lost anything since then. I have maintained within a 5-10 pound variance of the 100 pounds lost. Now, I do realize that I am losing inches. In some ways I wonder if I lost so much, so quickly and now my body is toning right now. Yes, I am still making REALLY bad eating choices. I know that I have to stop that and I will definately try.

I just wanted to let you know that I have hit the 1 year mark.

Thanks again,
God Bless,
Karen

Running Outside

2008-09-30T22:09:00.003-04:00

Tonight Josh did the workout and about 10 minutes into it he mentioned what degree it was outside. I told him that it was way to hot out and he said he wasn't concerned about the heat so I told him it was around 20 degrees out with a strong wind and we could catch a severe cold. I knew what he was up to. We were going outside to finish our workout. Now, in April I joked about going outside and we ended up going out. The weather was beautiful so it was pretty nice. In our parking lot there is a "short" Island and a "long" Island (they are areas with trees in the middle of the parking lot so people don't race through the lot). Anyway, in April I could barely make it to the "short" island at a very slow jog.

The few times we went out I finally almost made it to the "long" island at a run but never quite made it. Well, tonight I made it all the way to the "long" island at a jog, turned around, ran 1/2 way back, slowed to a walk and then with the entire class already at the start cheering me on, I ran the last leg of the run. Then we did a lot more things to the "long" island. I was VERY excited. But the best part was when I was doing something towards the end of the class Josh came by me and said, "I am so proud of you Karen." I know that this journey is not about what people think of me but getting healthy and honoring God but I am telling you that the encouragement from a person who knew how unhealthy I was in February and see where I am at now really makes a difference.

Thanks God for putting people in my life who encourage me to continue. Especially when I am struggling. Thank you that even though I have not lost a lot of weight I am losing inches. In Jesus Name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

Another Prayer Answered

2008-09-25T12:04:00.004-04:00

I went to the gym last night knowing that I was up in weight from the previous week so I knew that I wouldn't get back to the 292. There was just no way. All day yesterday I did very well in my eating and had been praying that in the next 10 days He would allow me to reach the 280's since I had been on this stopping point at 291 for my lowest. (10 days yesterday is October 4th-my journey start date).

Well, I got to the gym. Did a little bike, did the Biggest Loser class which consisted of hard treadmill, hard elliptical, hard standing bike and hard racing bike for 1/2 hour. Then I did 1/2 hour of the barbell class. When I went to weigh in for the BL weekly weigh in not only had I lost the pounds to get back to the 292 but had lost an additional 2 more pounds!!! I weighed in at 290.8 pounds. Now, I know that a lot of it was water weight loss. So as soon as I had something to drink with my meal I gained some of it back but I BROKE THE PLATEAU!!! Only with God's help did I do that. Now, I am going to just continue to watch what I eat and work out hard again. I, with his help, can get to that 280's in 9 more days.

Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement. I know I will have bad days and will continue to struggle but I won't give up!!!

God Bless,
Karen

P.S.S. to Previous Post

2008-09-23T10:00:00.003-04:00

Just to let you in on God's speaking to me. I mentioned that I needed to follow up on the previous post by spending time in His word. Well, a very special friend told me to start reading in Philippians. One of the verses that stood out to me was Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. See what I mean. It was like he was telling me that He hasn't given up on me so I shouldn't give up either. (To you it may not have said that but to me it did)

Thought you might want to know...

God Bless,
Karen

New Revelation

2008-09-22T22:22:00.005-04:00

Well, if you have been reading my blog for a few months you will remember I talked about my journey taking on a bigger thing. Well, since I wrote that I have been stuck!!! So, I will talk about my journey a little. My journey may end up in an Inspirational magazine. Now, since I have spoken with this magazine, as I have said, I have stopped losing and have been going between 95-102 pounds lost. I haven't been able to get below the 102 pound mark.

This has been going on since the first of July. I am now 12 days away from my 1 year anniversary of this journey. Have I gotten scared? Have I hit the point I was afraid of hitting where I start off things strong and then don't follow through. Again, I am not going to give up but I am obviously STILL struggling.

I think this whole magazine thing has me so freaked out. The main thing I wanted out of writing this journey was to help one person be able to overcome his/her eating struggles. This magazine would give me that opportunity. But, if you all know me well, I am so freaked out about expectations. If I can accomplish this then people will expect more from me and then when I fail (I know, negative thinking AGAIN), people will say, "See, I knew you couldn't do it." or leave me like has happened in the past. If I go ahead and fail then I will be the one in "control" of the situation. The problem is that I am so NOT IN CONTROL.

I don't want them to give up on me for the story. I would love for them to still do that article on me. I know right now I am not doing so well on my journey as far as the weight loss but just think, when I make it through this struggle it will help make the journey even more real to others. I know that I am not the first or the last person to struggle with this and I thank God for that reminder. If through all this He can be glorified then even this part of the journey will be worth it. Probably even more since if I lost it all quickly I would probably take it for granted.

Okay, I am rambling. I need to follow up on the previous post and go spend time in His word. Thanks for once again listening.

God bless,
Karen

P.S. another thing that happened was last week a girl at work said that she would love to set me up with her brother-she could have been saying that in the heart of the discussion we were having but... To most of you that wouldn't be a big deal. To me that was HUGE. There has only been one other person who even mentioned trying to set me up with someone and unfortunatly the person they wanted to fix me up with had as many emotional and physical challenges that I had. So, for someone to believe in me enough to want to set me up with her brother was amazing. That scared me to death too. Unless God says it will, I don't see it happening since the poor guy is 15 1/2 years younger than me but the thought was so humbling and flattering.

God answers prayers

2008-09-21T14:59:00.003-04:00

Okay, so if you know me you know that Karen Kingsbury and Dee Henderson are my favorite authors of all time. Karen's new book was coming out this Tuesday. (Don't tell but a friend found it early at a store here and bought it.) I picked it up last night from her and finished reading it this morning at 9:45am. It was FANTASTIC. I concluded a 14 book series of the Baxter family and it was just what I needed to read.

So, anyway, on my way to church I was talking to God as I drove. I prayed that He would have me get more excited to read His word then I am for Karen or Dee's books. That I would crave it the way that I do the other books. Then I also asked if He would show me something special in the message today.

Well, not only did he give me a message, he actually had my pastor write the message just for me. Now, before you get to thinking I am thinking I am better than anyone I am not. It just seemed like this message was written exactly for me. The message centered around being in God's word. One of the things my pastor said was something along the lines of no matter how good a book it that God's word is so much more important and another book should not stop me from spending time in God's word.

So, see, He really did answer that prayer. I guess you had to be there to really know what I am talking about but...

God Bless,
Karen

God's Many Blessings

2008-09-12T08:42:00.002-04:00

I just read my friend, Gretchen's, Blog and was reminded how blessed I truly am. There is a family that I always talk about that have "adopted" me and Gretchen is part of that family. She, Jamie and their three beautiful girls live in Minnesota so I only get to see them a couple of times a year but through her blog I am able to keep up with what my "neices" are doing. The oldest daughter started 2nd grade already and the middle one just started kindergarten. I can't believe they are that old already. They are growing up so fast. Though they only see me a couple of times a year they still know who I am and make me feel special whenever they are around.

There is another 11 kids in this family that, thanks to God's placement, I get to see all the time. I went to Penny's the other day and her 19 month old daughter saw me coming up the sidewalk and started yelling at me through the upstairs window. When I walked into the house she was at the bottom of the stairs and threw her arms up for me to pick her up. When she sees me at church she will come to me and sometimes won't go to anyone else. Now, I know that pride is a terrible thing but it sure makes me feel special when she does that. : ^ ) Her 4 year old big sister just started pre-school this week and also got to go to Explorers. She was so excited. Her 3 year old brother is trying to learn to potty train because he knows he can't go to "Cubbies" or pre-school if he doesn't go in the big boy potty and the newest one is 2 1/2 weeks old already.

Then you have the family of Tim and Polly. The oldest will be 16 on Sunday!!!!!! How did that happen. He is a fantastic young man and I can't wait to see what God has in store but how he got to be 16 already is beyond me. His 11 year old brother started middle school this year. WOW. He and I are a lot alike. We like similar things and we both love to talk. The middle boy is 10 and gets to be homeschooled this year. He told his grandma that there would be some sad girls this year since he wouldn't be in school. Gotta love him!!!! Then little Anna who just turned 6. I got to watch her get on the bus for Kindergarten this year. I was so proud of her. She is such a beautiful young lady and I am so proud of her and then there is the youngest. He is 3 and learning to walk again after having a broken leg. He seems to be my buddy right now and I love it. The funny thing though is that when he sees me the first thing out of his mouth is "can I have bubblegum?"

Then last but not least are Katie and D.J.'s kids. The oldest is 10 and she is beautiful. Everyone says she is just like her Aunt Polly but looks like her mom. She is so smart and doing great in school. She and her cousin Philip are great friends. Finally is the sports star of the entire family. He can pretty much play any sport he tries and do it well. I know that he has an amazing future ahead of him in sports.

Well, as you can see God has truly blessed me. All of those kids are amazing and so special. They all have different talents and personalities but yet they light up my days everytime I think of or see them.

Thank you God for the special blessings in my life. Whenever I feel down you remind me of the gifts that you have given me. This day it is in the form of 14 very amazing, wonderful children and their parents and Grandparents. Please bless each one of them and hold them in your arms as they go about their day.

God Bless,
Karen

Just stopping by...

2008-09-07T15:08:00.002-04:00

Wanted to let you all know that the Biggest Loser started at the gym again last Monday and I worked out A LOT. I am really sore. Also, I just got back from a ladies retreat at a campground 2 hours from here. It was a good time but I am sure tired!!!!!!

I was on vacation this last week as well and it was okay.

That's about it. Have a good week.

God Bless,
Karen

WARNING: Pity Party Post-proceed with Caution

2008-08-30T21:28:00.002-04:00

Okay, so if you have continued to read you are a gluton for punishment. This will be a long and complaining post. Okay, I have given you enough warning - here it goes.

I am so stressed out about so many things that I continue to make horrible choices. Not only in my eating but in my spending of money and the way I take care of myself and my house. I got up this morning and went to Tee Jays and had 3 scrambled eggs, 3 slices of bacon, hashbrowns and 2 slices of wheat toast, then I went to the hospital to see Abraham and then stopped in the cafeteria at the hospital and ate a personal supreme pizza from Pizza Hut and a salad. Then I stopped at the gift shop and bought to small pieces of chocolate and a reese cup, then I went to Applebees and ate the pick three appetizer of Mini Chicken sandwiches, Steak wraps and buffalo chicken bites with bbq sauce. Finally I came home and ate a box of gummie candy.

In all of that I spent around $30.00 for food and junk I didn't need and really didn't want.

So, you may ask, what is causing me to make these choices? Well, there is a list of things going on in my life but the long and short of it is that I am using food as my escape and in a round about way I am deciding that I am not worth losing the weight because I am not a very good person because of my struggle with my frustrations with my family. Okay, before you all start "commenting" on this post let me finish.

I know that I am worth it. God did not make me in His image to be worthless. He created me because He loves me very much and has a lot of things in store for me. And I am still looking forward to what those things are going to be.

But right now I am just struggling with a family who is not speaking to each other and therefore leaving one family member relying on me to be the only one this person has left and expecting me to make this person happy. That is HUGE pressure to put on my shoulders and I am human so I am going to let them down. No matter how hard I try. I can not make anyone happy. That has to come from God and this person is not willing to reach out to Him. It still doesn't make it any easier. Also, I have had several people over the last few weeks ask me if I have children. They don't know any better but they don't realize how much that question hurts. My whole life the main thing I wanted to be was a wife and a mother and God has not allowed that into my life at this point yet. It is so hard to have that question asked and knowing that I am already in my 40's and even if He does bring someone to marry I will be almost 42 and then trying to carry a child at that point would be such a risk. Finally there is the finances. I am living in a house that I can't afford, I have a burnt out headlight, a burnt out breaklight and I can't pay my bills yet I continue to spend money eating out, keeping directtv on 3 televisions and paying for the internet. I have no savings and my credit is horrible. Again, my priority is food. Okay, this is the finally, I am sitting at home AGAIN on another Saturday night. I had a chance to go to a birthday party for one of the girls from the gym but it is at a bar and I just don't want to go to those types of places. That can only lead to trouble. Maybe not tonight but... I sat at home again last night after I got off work too. I started my vacation this week and have no money to go anywhere.

So, I told you this was going to be a bad one but one of the things I wanted to do with this journal was write the good and the bad. I know that lately it has all been bad as far as me personally. For two months I have struggled big time. BUT - I know that it will get better. As I said earlier I know that God has something special planned for all of this and maybe allowing me to go pretty low is one way He is trying to get me to truly trust Him and to see that no matter what He is always with me and does love me?

So, I have posted my pity party day and am sitting here sobbing my eyes out but in a lot of ways it is a healing cry. Tomorrow is another day and with His help it will be a good one. I will take it one meal at a time again. That is how He had me do it when I started in October and that is how I have to do it again.

Thanks for listening!! I know that you all love me and are praying for me and want the best. I thank Him for that all the time. Enjoy your day tomorrow.

God Bless,
Karen

Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

New Day

2008-08-28T08:15:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I have continued to make poor choices in my food and still have only gone up a couple of pounds. I know the exercise is helping but I really need to get back on track. I have been between 98 and 102 pounds lost since the first of July. Obviously I am doing things wrong. Not trying to get sympathy or anything I am just stating facts.

We start the Biggest Loser again on Monday for 6 weeks. I am really going to try. I have to get moving in the right direction again. So far the weight loss has helped a lot but I still have a lot to go to get healthy.

I guess I am going to have to go back to the one meal at a time mentality. AND NO FAST FOOD!!!!!

Thanks again for listening and praying,
God Bless,
Karen

Becoming an "Aunt" Again

2008-08-21T12:37:00.005-04:00

Well, it looks like I will get to meet my new "nephew" 6 weeks earlier than anticipated. My friend, Penny, went into early labor last night and they are moving her to delivery right now. Since he is her 4th he will probably come quickly.

I can't wait to meet him but I pray that he and mom do well. He is already at around 6lbs 6 ozs so he should be okay but it is still scary.

I will keep you posted and post the picture as soon as I have one.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. I AM AN "AUNT" AGAIN. Can't give name, weight, length or anything cause I don't know it yet but here is his first picture.

P.S.S. He is 5lbs, 12oz and 19 1/4 inches long. Could be in NICU up to 4 weeks so pray for him and his family. Currently his name is "Billy Bob" (Thanks Grandma & Grandpa) because his ID Bracelet has his last name and then bb for baby boy.

It's the little things

2008-08-20T08:11:00.002-04:00

I did not want to go to the gym last night. I was reading a good book and was tired so I just wanted to go home and do nothing. Well, I forced myself to go anyway. I knew I would regret it if I didn't go.

When I got there I had one of the trainers do my measurements again so I could put off working out. Okay, I have noticed my angel wing arms seem to be getting smaller so I was curious to see if it was wishful thinking or really happening but the putting off working out was part of it too.

So, guess what? It wasn't wishful thinking. I lost 1 inch off my arm from the end of July until today. Pretty cool huh? It is the Body Burn class I am taking on Wednesdays plus the hard arm workout. I love it. So, over all since I started this journey I have lost 62.25 inches. That is a lot. Still a lot to go but it is working.

By the way, I ended up doing some cardio then I did the beginner step class!!!! WOW!!! I am sore today and how do you keep up with the "L" step thingy while going from one side of the step to the other? I am not coordinated for that.

Tonight is kickboxing and body burn so I should be pretty sore again tomorrow but it is a good sore.

God bless,
Karen

Not a lot going on

2008-08-14T10:49:00.002-04:00

I guess this is what you would call the lull in the action. I am still slowly losing weight, nothing spectacular is happening right now. Still a lot of stresses going on in my life financially and family wise so there isn't a lot to talk about.

I did do the Cardio Kick-Boxing class last night then went right into the Body Pump class with weights. I do feel it today that is for sure. Just be careful. If I keep up with this kick-boxing I may be able to defend myself sometime in the near future!!! : ^ )

I pray that things are going well for you all?

So, that is my update for today. If anything fun and exciting happens soon I will let you know.

God Bless,
Karen