Blessing of the Day

Lori and Megan encouraged and challenged me to write a blessing of the day down every night so that I can continue to see God working in my life. So, I am trying to figure out the best way to do this. I may keep a journal offline and then put a post at the end of 2011 so that you can also see how God has worked. I am not sure.

But for today, January 1, 2011, my blessing was that I organized my closest so that I could find my clothes that fit me right now and that I could put the ones I will be fitting into again shortly in another section to make things easier each day. Now, that doesn't sound like much to you, I am sure, but since my closet has been a disaster area for the last year or so and I struggle every day to find something to wear, this is a blessing that he helped me finish it. We talked while I was procratinating up there when I was half-way done and wanted to stop. He reminded me of the 5 hour dinner conversation I had the other night with Lori and Megan and the part about me not finishing anything I start. I got it done!!!

God bless each one of you this year. I pray that He will bring you many blessings and that you may be challenged to write those blessings down each day as well.

Thanks Lori and Megan for your encouragement and love!!! Along with so many others. I am truly blessed.

A Long Time

Sorry it has been so long between posts. I have just been very discouraged with the "weight loss journey" since I have successfully put back on the 107 pounds I originally lost along with an additional 5 pounds.



The other day we went to York Steak House and I was showing the train set to one of the little girls with me. Her mom took a picture and I have it posted in the entry. When I saw this picture of me I was horrified. I know I am big and I know I look big but when you see it in a picture it really hits home what others see. Now, before you all start yelling at me that you see the inside and not the outside, etc. I understand that and I love you for it but you have to see the awful physical changes in me.


I am going to start the Biggest Loser at the gym again on January 10th and I pray that I am able to keep up and am able to start getting this weight back off.


Thanks for your prayers, love and support. I will get back on track and get this taken care of.


God Bless,
Karen

Fact versus Fiction Pt 2

A week ago I was sitting around thinking of my relationship with mom. Mostly about the fact that I would get so frustrated with her because she wouldn't fight for herself. I was willing to come along side of her and help her fight but she had to be the one to want to make the choices to get better. Then I realized that I was doing the same thing. No one can fight for me to lose this weight, get healthy and open my heart to love.

So, last week I was doing okay. Not great but better. By Saturday I had lost 3 pounds of the 109 I had gained back. But this week I am struggling again. It hit me today why. Satan continues to tell me that I am not worth the fight. I don't feel lovable on the level that I crave. I want that intimate level of love but he continues to tell me that I am not lovable and never will be no matter what I do. And the thing that really makes me mad is that I let his voice overpower Christ's. I know in my head that I am a child of God's and that He sent His son to die on the cross for me but for some reason I struggle with believing that I could be lovable.

Dear Heavenly Father, I need you to please step in and help me to fight the pull of Satan's negative words. Help me to focus on the fact that you love me no matter what and that you did make me special and in your image and that I am lovable. That I am not worthless. I know that kids love me and that the church family you brought to me love me and even when I don't hear from my family, that they love me too but my heart aches so much for that intimate love of a husband and wife and yet I continue to believe that it will never happen. Lord, I believe that you gave me this desire so you must have something so special coming up. Please help me to turn this over to you.
In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Fiction and real life

Okay. I don't know if anyone is reading this any more and I don't blame you as it is usually a lot of time between posting but if you are reading this you know that I am a HUGE fiction reader. In fact I just arrived home from a 2 day "Baxter Family Reunion" that was hosted by Christian Fiction author, Karen Kingsbury.

Well, I have this theory about God sending me messages through the fiction books since He knows I struggle with reading non-fiction. I just finished a book and I wanted to print some of what the book said and how it seems to fit my feelings. It comes from a book called "Midnight Caller" by author Diane Burke. It is a Love Inspired Suspense book. I am typing this without thier permission but since I am not selling anything and I have given them full credit hopefully my blog won't get shut down. : ^ )

"...If I live my life afraid to love someone because they might die...or because they might leave...I'm going to live a lonely, empty life." It goes on to a couple of paragraphs expounding on that then takes up again with, "I realize those pieces of my heart are gone and can never be replaced. But I also realize the only way to protect my heart from pain of loss is to never love..." "And to never love...is the worst kind of death. God knows how important it is to love. He made it one of His greatest commandments."

So now I have to figure out how to take what He is showing me in a fiction book and do something about it.

Please pray that I take that and learn from it.

Thanks,
God Bless,
Karen

Today and Tomorrow

I love the month of June. Summer is arriving but there are still days that are cool and the sky is beautiful. It also happens to be a month when there are a lot of birthday's of people I care about. It also happens to be the month I was born.

As I reflect on this past year I have realized some very wonderful things and some very heart breaking things. I have realized that I am blessed with many wonderful friends and family. People that I have been friends with but who have stepped up and been there in the hardest time of my adult life. I don't know, without God and without him bringing those people into my life, I would have EVER made it through the stuff that I have gone through. Has it been easy? NO!!! Have I made some bad choices on how I deal with things? OH YEA!!! But in all of that God still loves me and continues to bless me with amazing people.

A couple of the things that I have realized that have been heartbreaking is that tomorrow when I wake up will be the first time in 43 years that my mom has not called me or woken me up by singing happy birthday to me. I had no idea how sad that would make me. I also used to be embarrassed when she would send me flowers on my birthday to work because they came from my mom instead of a boyfriend or husband, now I really want those flowers to come tomorrow from her but I know that won't happen either. I also realized that for the first time in several years I will not get a birthday card from my grandma with lines drawn on the inside so that she writes her note in a straight line. And also that I won't get a gingerbread cake from Penny ever again. Several years ago I told her that when I was a little girl the babysitter we had after school would always have warm gingerbread cake and milk ready for my brother and I when we went to her house. That next birthday Penny made me a wonderful gingerbread cake. It is amazing how these small little things made such an impact on me. You wouldn't think they could but they did.

The other thing I am thinking of is that today would have been my friend, Terry's, 44 birthday. He was a year older than me but we were in the same grade because his mom held his older brother back and she didn't want them in the same class. Terry and I were only about 20 kids that went to the same middle and high school. We became very good friends and people called us laurel and hardy. It was so hard for us when we graduated from high school and realized that we wouldn't be going to school together any more. Terry went away to school first down in Tennessee to become a minister. I went a month later. The day I went to college I opened my mailbox and there was a letter from Terry. It was so special!!! That following spring, 1986, I got a call from a mutual friend telling me that Terry had drowned in a quarry in Tennessee. I was crushed. He was an amazing friend and person!!! I couldn't believe that Terry was gone. It has been 24 years and I still have a hard time believing that he is gone. Today, for some reason, this birthday of his seems to be hitting me harder than any in the past. Maybe because of everything that has happened.

So, as I turn older tomorrow at 10:52pm I will try to concentrate on the blessings that have been given to me and not dwell on the things that have broken my heart. The best part is that I know that I will someday see at least 3 of the 4 people again in heaven.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. If you have a relationship with Christ can I ask you to pray for an unspoken prayer request? If not today would be a great day to come to a saving relationship with Christ. That prayer would be completely different but much more important and a much bigger blessing than the unspoken.

Starting today?

It has been a very hard last year and 1/2. I have noted a lot of things going on so I won't go into those again but I know I haven't really posted in awhile so I thought I would just drop a note.

Monday I was given permission for full weight bearing on my foot. I was very surprised since it has only been 5 weeks today. Normally it is much longer for weight bearing. I am very thankful. I know that the prayers that my friends have been lifting up are being heard. I started Physical Therapy Monday and went back to the gym today. I didn't do a lot but the one thing I did do was weigh in. I had expected to have put on a lot being immoble and eating a lot of bad food but my current weight is 372. That is only 20 pounds less than where I was when I started the journey in 2007 but since I was expecting it to be back to the original weight I was pleasantly surprised. Now I just need to go back down.

I know that I can do this. I just need to make the decision and let God do what he was doing the last time and stop fighting him. Please pray.

Thanks and God Bless,
Karen

Blessings among Sadness

Well, I am sitting here on a twin bed in my living room 5 day's post op from having Achilles Tendon Surgery. There is basically no pain in my foot but it has not been easy. I did not wake up well from anestesia (spelling) and then have been home and have had to have people basically living with me the first 3 days of this process. It has been hard. Today is the first day that I have not had someone here most of the day.
Monday night the bed frame slipped apart for the last time and I had Tim come over and remove the frame. Now it is just the boxed springs and mattress, then last night Brandy, my cat, went the bathroom on the bed and I had to have someone come over and clean it up. At that time I decided the best step would be to have Brandy put to sleep. She has been suffering with End Stage Kidney Failure for the last 5 years and since Sam, mom's cat, came to live here it has really sent Brandy's health downhill fast. She was really looking and acting bad. It was time. That is the sadness though. She was the cat that has cuddled with me for all her life. I already miss her like crazy and I keep calling her sister Brandy. She was my baby. This sure has not been a good time. Mom dying in December, Grandma dying in January, Penny dying in February and now Brandy in March. Plus the surgery on my foot.

But the blessings have come too. Those people that I have mentioned basically had to move in with me, I don't know what I would have done without them. They have gone so far over and above what I would have thought. I am truly humbled that people love me enough to take precious time away from their families and lives to do things for me. Even those that I know can't come over because of the cats but who are faithfully praying for me. How amazing is that?

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the visualization of your Love in action. I am broken hearted about my cat and all the other things that have happened in my life these last several months and yet I am still able to laugh and smile because you continue to bring me blessing's inspite of the heartaches. Thank you for all those who have given up time to be with me. What a humbling and encouraging experience. You have helped me to lose some of my pride as well. My house isn't kept clean as you would want me to take care of the things you have given me but you are still allowing people to come in here and not form harsh judgements. Thank you for that. Please be with each person who is taking the time to help and who is praying. I covet those prayers even more than I do the help though I won't turn help down. In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen