America - Where do we go from here?

 Today, January 6, 2021, is the day that the truth of the election fraud came to light by having the states not certify the electoral college decisions.  As of right now, it doesn't seem to be coming to fruition.  It seems that Donald Trump will end up not winning the reelection.  

These last 4 1/2 years have been nothing but continual attacks on Donald Trump.  First, let me say I know he is not perfect.  Not by a long shot!!  But he is someone who has come to try to help America.  He has done a lot for our Country.  The problem has been, since before he became President, that he was NEVER given a chance.  From before day 1 the Democrats have been constantly trying to fight everything he has tried to do.  Why?  What is so wrong with wanting to help people?  What is wrong with providing funding for colleges?  What is wrong with trying to get America out of war?  They decided that since they didn't like Donald Trump, the man, that America would no longer be their focus.  They only wanted to bring the man down.  Even at his inauguration they boycotted it.  No matter what he said or did it was never right in anyone's eyes on the Democratic side.   People who are supposed to be non-patrician blatantly mocked him.  (Nancy Pelosi tearing up his State of the Union Address right on national television made me think of a 5 year old that didn't get her way).  Yes, there were a lot of times when President Trump's Tweets were written in a non-politically correct fashion.  That is probably why so many fought him.  He was not a politician.  He didn't bend to their elitist "rules".

This last year has been the hardest.  Our world was hit with the Corona Virus.  Yet somehow President Trump was blamed for the spread in America.  It didn't matter that several Democrats and "Scientists" said not to worry.  Come down to China Town.  American's don't need to wear masks because they really won't do a lot of good, etc.  Trump took the advice of Dr. Fauci for several months and yet, he was to blame for all that happened (and continues to happen even though it was originally for just 5 weeks to stop the spread).  

Then bring in the George Floyd incident at the end of May.  A man with a long history of violence and other issues is asked to get in a police car but he freaks out due to drugs in his system.  Yes, the officer who knelt on his neck for longer than was reasonable did play a huge part in his death but there were other factors.  Yet, the media started spreading the division and stirring up everyone.  Next thing we know, there are protests.  Those were good at the beginning then the rioting and looting started later that day.  But did the Democratic party and the media condemn this behavior?  NOPE.  It was just "peaceful protesting" and the police in several cities were basically shut down.  They couldn't do their jobs to the "peaceful protestors" that were yelling slurs right in their face, threatening their families and them, doing many things that normally would be cause for arrest but had no consequences.  This just lead to more unrest.  But it was okay because it was peaceful protesting.

Then President Trump held rallies and gatherings for his re-election bid and those were classified as "super-spreaders".   Joe Biden barely left his basement to "run" for President and when he did speak he clearly showed that he has severe cognitive issues.  He has had 2 brain surgeries in the past and it has clearly started to affect him.  

So election night happens and President Trump is winning.  Several key states stop counting because it is late then all of the sudden, over night, just enough votes for Joe Biden come in and he ends up getting more votes than even Obama ever did.  He barely campaigned and when he did there were very few people who went to his events yet he received more votes than anyone ever.  On his 3rd try.  There is something seriously wrong here.  The only thing I figure is that those who voted for Biden only did because they don't like Trump.  It had nothing to do with his policies or history.  

This brings us to where we are right now.  With all of the things that have been presented it seems clear to me that there were issues with the election.  But for some reason no one wants to see the facts.  And today, there was a huge rally for President Trump in DC.  Around 2 or 3pm several people started breeching the gates of the Capitol Building where the Elector College was meeting.  Immediately they are blaming Trump supporters and it is covered by everyone and is a major deal.  First, do we really know it was Trump supporters or was it Antifa?  Secondly, where were all the Democrats trying to stop the rioting and looting earlier this year?  Why is this worse?  When Kamla Harris was encouraging rioting and letting people out of jail without bond or repercussions for their actions.  Nothing makes sense.

Also, there are several states and cities that are still "locked down" from COVID. Yet all those places have been "locked down" since the beginning and yet the numbers are still high.  What is the point of the lockdowns?  Dr. Fauci says to wear masks, then not wear masks, then wear total face shields. It makes no sense.  There is no rhyme nor reason.  

I know this post is really long and there is so much more to say but it is my way of bringing all my thoughts to one place.  I am praying when I look back on this post that the horrible things that the Democrats want to try to implement didn't actually take place.  They want to give more benefits for Illegal's who enter America undocumented.  They want to give "free" college education to everyone.  They want to repeal the Trump Tax plan and "tax the rich".  They want to do a "free healthcare" for all (all of these ideas will only roll downhill and cause all of us to pay more taxes and higher prices for goods and services.  They also want to raise the minimum wage to $15.00/hour.  That can't be done across the board.  It needs to be based on each state and economy.

So, I ran off on my tangent again.  I know people don't really read this so it's kind of my journal.  The only good thing about this year is that I am growing closer to God.  He is the only way I am surviving.  He has this.  Everything else is out of control. Good WILL overcome evil!!!

2020, Traveling and What's Next?

 So, in my last post from October I mentioned all the things going on in 2020.  Well, they haven't gotten any better.  In fact the COVID outbreak has escalated again (forget that it IS cold and flu season which remarkably has shown an all time low occurrence rate).  Places are shutting down again and going back in lockdown.  People are being told not to travel. The presidential race is still not over.  Joe Biden is the "presumed" winner but there are numerous examples of voter fraud being brought before the courts so who knows how it is going to end.  The rioting has calmed down since the left thinks they have won the election.  I can't even imagine what will happen if the results are reversed.  Let's not go there.

Thanksgiving this year was good but hard.  One of my nephews and his family came down with COVID the week before while they were visiting us here in Columbus.  That meant we were all exposed.  His brother also tested positive for COVID though I never spent time with him but the others did.  So, that meant that neither could come for Thanksgiving.  With the hint of COVID being around, the Minnesota Millers and the Georgia May's and Baltzers decided not to come either.  And with Sue and Phil being older they opted to not come as well.  It ended up being 4 of the Baltzer's, 10 Hoffmans and me. (Don't tell, we had more than 2 families and more than 6 people.)  It turned out to be a fun day but we sure missed the others.  

The government is threatening to cancel travel for Christmas as well.  Phil will turn 80 on the 20th and we are planning a small gathering for him on the 19th.  Hopefully that doesn't get canceled.

So, 2020 continues to be a challenge with 29 days left.  God is good and He will prevail but it sure is hard right now.

As far as traveling goes...  Obviously I am morbidly obese and traveling by plane has not been fun in the past.  With this year it is even worse.  Not only have I had to buy (2) tickets in order to travel but this year I will be required to wear a mask in the airports and on the plane.  I can barely go into a store for a few minutes with a mask on.  I don't know what I am going to do for over 4 hours.  See, I am planning on going to Florida to visit my dad later this month.  I used to love to fly on a plane but there is so much anxiety leading up to the flying that it is not fun right now.  As I sit in the airport waiting to board the plane I can just imagine all the other travelers hoping they aren't sitting next to the fat lady.  Even though I know I have two tickets they don't.  Then finally getting into the plane and needing a seatbelt extender.  Fitting through the aisle's.  Fitting between the seats.  Sitting like that for over 2 hours.  Plus I will miss a day of work and I am hurting financially right now so that is going to hurt big time.  

It's just not fun!!!  If my dad and Carol didn't want me to come down so bad I would not be doing it. I just don't know how many more years I will have with him so I don't want to say no.  

What's next?  I have no idea.  I know God is working on my heart.  I know He is changing me through all the stuff this year has brought.  I am seeing what is good and what is evil.  I am praying harder for the good to overcome the evil.  We will see.  I am 1 1/2 years out from my 55th birthday where I want to try the dude ranch trip again.  1 1/2 years to get to a healthy weight.  1 1/2 years to make small goals and to grow closer with God.  Each morning in the last few weeks I have woken up and just talked to God thanking Him that together we got this day.  

Are you not sure what's next for you?  Life does not give us clear answers.  God asks us each day to pick up our Cross and follow Him.  He knows our steps and as the famous poem, "Footprints in the Sand" remind us, when we only see one set of footprints during the hard times it is because that is when God is carrying us.  Turn to Him.  Give Him a chance.  Together you and God have got this.  People will ultimately disappoint but God never will.

Heavenly Father, what a crazy year we have been going through.  Thank you for your love and protection.  Lord, we don't know what's next.  Sometimes you make our paths clear and other times you bring the fog and tell us to just take the next step.  Thank you for taking that step with us.  God I just ask that you continue to bring clarity to this messed up sinful world.  Please help good to overcome the evil.  Lord, help me to trust you in the upcoming travel.  Thanks for the opportunity to see my dad and Carol.  Help me to be excited for this trip and to be able to handle wearing a mask for that length of time.  Thank you most of all for the reason for this upcoming holiday.  Your Son's birth!!  In Jesus' name, Amen.

Do You Want to Be Well?

 I got a DM (direct message) from someone that was just checking on me.  She said in the last post I had put on Instagram I seemed to be down.

The truth is, no, I am not doing okay.  I am struggling.  I am hurting.  I am angry.  I am discouraged.  I am disappointed.  I am just truly sad.  

I don't even know where to start.  As I have written in previous posts, 2020 has been a very messed up year.  We started this year with high hopes.  Excitement.  Energy.  All the dates on the calendar were lining up.  Seriously, Cinco de Mayo was on Taco Tuesday!!!  Then COVID-19 hit.  The country, heck, the world, got shut down "for a short period of time to slow the spread and not overwhelm hospitals".  That was in March.  It is now Mid-October and there are still a lot of things locked down.  Sports but few spectators are allowed.  Parties, forget about it.  Even the Presidential race is so divided by all the "rules" that change every day.  Sometimes, every hour.

Then you have the worst civil unrest I have ever witnessed in my lifetime.  I have touched on the whole George Floyd killing by the police. Well, the looting and rioting has continued. It now has nothing really to due with George Floyd or Police brutality against black people.  Now it is just a reason for people to try to show they are "owed" something.  We have rappers who sing vial songs interviewing presidential candidates but yet we have Amy Coney Barrett being appointed to the Supreme Court but the Democrats are acting like spoiled brats because President Trump was doing his constitutional duty and appointing a nominee.  

Our election is 19 days away and I am so stressed because for the first time in my life I actually really care about who gets elected and what that will do to our Country if the Joe Biden gets elected.  It is a scary time.

Then there is the whole personal stuff.  I am ONCE AGAIN doing the exact same thing I have done over and over and over and over again.  I have gotten my credit card bills run up high and had to buy a car in June so now I have an additional amount coming out of my paycheck each month.  But instead of saving all the money I can for the short term so I can pay off my bills, I continue to go out to eat.  Not only spending more than I should to begin with but spending $15-$20 on each meal!!!!  I also have medical bills coming in because there is something wrong with my, let's just say, butt.  I have been to Teledoc, Urgent Care, my PCP and an Orthopedic doctor.  So I have bills from the latter 3 that I now owe because I have a high deductible and have run out of my $2,000 money that my boss gives us each year.  So, any medical appointments at this point until I reach my deductible are 100% my bill.  

I was losing the weight for awhile and now I have put it back on.  I have been averaging 435-445 for the last 6 months or so.  I am in a lot of pain and struggle with daily issues to take care of myself.  Which then causes me to have more low self-esteem because I feel ugly.  

So, where does the title of this post come in?  These last two sections are a pattern I have repeated my entire life!!!  I constantly start doing well and ultimately turn right back around and get back in the exact same spot that the Lord has helped me out of.  It never fails.  BUT when I ask for prayer and God brings someone to walk along side of me or to challenge me, or to offer suggestions, I immediately get very defensive.  I find excuse after excuse why I can't work with that person, or why what they are saying just isn't right for me.  

John 5:1- 15 says the following:

The Healing at the Pool

1Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals. 2Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda a and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. 3Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. [4] b 5One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

7“Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

8Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” 9At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.

The day on which this took place was a Sabbath, 10and so the Jewish leaders said to the man who had been healed, “It is the Sabbath; the law forbids you to carry your mat.”

11But he replied, “The man who made me well said to me, ‘Pick up your mat and walk.’ ”

12So they asked him, “Who is this fellow who told you to pick it up and walk?”

13The man who was healed had no idea who it was, for Jesus had slipped away into the crowd that was there.

14Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.” 15The man went away and told the Jewish leaders that it was Jesus who had made him well.

See, I am that man at the well.  Jesus is asking me over and over again if I want to get well.  And I am constantly telling Him that there is no one to help me get to the healing waters before another person gets there first.  I haven't been willing to pick up my mat and walk. I want to stay at the side of the healing pool and wait for someone to do it for me.  

I know I am not the only one struggling.  I know I am not the only one who continues to fight Jesus when all He wants to do is see me live the life He wants for me.  To be able to get up and go tell everyone about who He is.  But when you are in a hurting place and you have seen yourself do well only to make the same choices over and over again it is really hard to want to try.  

Do I want to get well?  The right answer is yes, I do.  But actually believing that is so much easier said than done.  I feel like I am at verse 14 - if I don't stop sinning something worse will happen.  

If you would be willing to pray I would appreciate it.  I know that I will get through this.  I just pray that this time will be the last time.  That I can add eating healthy, at home and saving money to my year and 1/2 of making my bed (almost) every day and almost 4 years of checking TimeHop every day.  

God bless and if you are struggling right now as well please let me know so I can pray for you too.  

CHANGE STARTS WITHIN: Individually and Community

As a white person who lives in the suburbs and only knows what she sees and hears through news reports and television I am writing this purely to try to understand.

I do believe that racism is still prevalent in our society.  I do believe that it is wrong and that it needs to change.  All aspects of racism need to change.

I do believe that there are bad police officers who want to throw their authority around.  Who stereotype individuals.  Who believe the bad first and don’t take the time to find out the good.  This too needs to stop.  Police unions need to quit defending those who are being too aggressive.  They need to work with those officers instead of condoning their behavior. 

But I believe, and know, that there are far more good officers than bad.  I don’t believe that it is fair or right to lump all police officers into the bad category.  I don’t believe that someone who has chosen to defend and protect should be targeted because they are trying to uphold the law and keep people safe. 

I see these videos on the internet of officers using force on seemingly “peaceful” protestors.  What these videos aren’t showing are how many times the protestors have been asked to relocate to a different location.  To stop blocking streets.  We don’t see why the officers are led to the point of using the batons.  Is it wrong to use the batons, pepper spray, rubber bullets?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I think that everyone’s perspective is different and that I could be standing right next to someone and both of us could see the same exact thing in total opposite ways. 

I also see videos of stores being looted and people are trying to blame hate groups for starting the destruction (probably pretty close to accurate) but then the videos are followed up by blacks and whites taking whatever they can from those businesses.  There is not even an option of whether this is wrong or right.  It is plain wrong!!! 

So, here is the real reason I am writing this.  As I mentioned up top.  I see and hear a lot based on television and social media because I am not in those areas.  What I hear is that some members of the black community want to know why the police are not helping them.  Why the police seem to neglect certain areas of cities.  But then I hear about a murder or robbery or rape or gun fight in an area and when the police do go to try to solve the crime they are met with individuals who won’t talk.  Who witnessed the crime but are not willing to give any details.  Or who start attacking the police when they do come and protecting the suspect(s).  What my understanding is that so many people are afraid to testify.  They are truly afraid for their lives and the lives of their families because of the repercussions from gangs in the neighborhoods. (Again, all perspective from someone who see’s from the “outside”).

As a white person it does make it hard to figure out a way to bridge the gap when so much of what I hear are black on black crimes.  It’s hard to have compassion when it seems like every time I read a headline I see another 14 year old black child has been killed by a 15 year old black child or 20 black people are killed in Chicago on one weekend by other black individuals/gangs or a 3 year old black girl is killed when two gangs shoot each other up and a stray bullet penetrates the wall and hits the sofa where the little girl was sitting.  Or I hear that intercity schools don’t have the funding or resources needed to give the youth a proper education but then stories of teachers being beaten up because they took a cell phone away from someone or they told a student to sit down and listen.  A lot of people will use the reasoning that is all they know.  That because of the disadvantages of growing up in a raciest society, fighting and gangs are the only option for a lot of people.  Maybe they are. 

So, yes, we need to start fixing the problems with how black citizens are treated but it seems that some of it has to start with the black community standing up to each other and trying to find a way to combat the black on black crimes.  There are so many good people in every community.  So many children who want a chance to grow up and fulfill their dreams.  We ALL have to figure out a way to give them that chance. 

I don’t have the answers, I can’t even imagine where to start.  I know that I will try to do better in how I view things, how I say things and even though I HATE conflict, will try to speak up when I see an injustice happening.  I pray for clarity and a positive change in all areas.  That’s all I ask of you as well.  Help me to see that change is really what is wanted by all.  

Change starts from within – individually and community.

I'M TIRED - The crazy year of 2020

I wrote the below today just to try to express some of what I am feeling during this crazy time.  Since my last post the protesting, rioting and violence has escalated concerning the killing of George Floyd at the hands of 4 police officers.  

What happened to Mr. Floyd was very wrong and I can see the point in that if it were not a police officer who had been involved the suspects would have all been arrested and be in jail right now.  But because the prosecutors are looking at the videos and situation, they have only arrested the main officer who had his knee on Mr. Floyds neck.  Justice needs to be, and I believe will, be served.  

What I don't understand is that people are saying that they have to resort to the violence in order to be heard.  To me that just reiterates the biases that people have towards the black community.  The problem with this is that it is only a very small group of people who are committing these acts and some of them are white people trying to instigate the trouble.  But it is causing those people who just want to be heard with a calm voice to be overshadowed.  To not be heard.  To be lumped into a negative limelight.

I have been so conflicted and just so troubled by all of this.  I HATE conflict.  (I think I might have mentioned this a few thousand times) and so I have wanted to speak up and share my thoughts but I know that no matter what I say there will be someone who doesn't like my thoughts or thinks I am for one side or the other.  

Heck, I don't believe in same sex relationships but that doesn't mean that I don't love the people in my life who choose to go that direction.  It also doesn't mean that I want them to be treated unfairly.  Or harrassed.  

I think abortion is wrong but that doesn't mean that I am going to go damage a clinic that does this procedure.  It also doesn't mean that I'm going to hate a woman who chooses that.  

I try to see both sides and give the people the benefit of the doubt.  Even in this George Floyd situation.  People are calling for murder 1 for the police officer.  That means it was pre-meditated.  My thought tends to run to the fact that the officer did not leave his house on the morning of May 25th thinking that today would be the day he kills a black man.  

Or what about the person who goes to the party after work and has a couple of beers with his/her friends then gets in the car to drive home only to run the red light and kill that family who were just coming home from a day of fun?  Did that driver plan on killing that family?  Yep, their choice was the wrong one and they should have known not to drive but now they have to live with the fact they took those lives.  

I want to believe that it does make a difference to those people.  I don't know the thoughts of the police officer.  Maybe he is just an evil person who has gotten away with things until it finally caught up to him but he doesn't really care.  Maybe the person who drove the car could care less.  Maybe the person who killed someone at point blank range really has no qualms about it.  I just want to believe that they do.  

I asked my pastor the other day a question. He was talking about doing things for God and not because we are trying to be a people pleaser in his message.  I asked him in a private message how to know if you are doing something for the right reason.  His response was that me just asking that question shows where my heart truly is.  

I don't have the answers.  I know that God needs to be at the forefront of whatever happens.  I know that even in a small way, I have a voice and that I need to use it.  God gave me a spirit of empathy.  I need to figure out how to use that gift in a way that can help change the "I'm Tired"'s below.  All I can say is I'll try.  

Dear Heavenly Father,

Wow, you know my fears and idiosyncrasies better than I do.  You know I am tired, you know I am scared, you know I am hurting and sad.  These feelings, thoughts and fears are not new to you.  You also keep reminding me that You have the answers.  I just need to give them to you and trust that you love me enough to not leave me where I am at.  
Lord, this world is out of control.  It seems like you are going to be coming soon and yet I am afraid to leave.  I want to spend eternity with you but I am also caught up in this world.  Lord, please change my heart.  Help me to desire you more.  Help me to trust that even though this world is crazy right now you love us despite us and will be glorified through this.
Thank you Lord for putting up with me.  For loving me even though I feel unlovable.  And thank you for sending your Son so that I don't have to be afraid.
In Jesus' name, Amen.   

I’M TIRED

·         I’m tired of seeing men and women like George Floyd be killed at the hands of corrupt police

·         I’m tired of seeing good police being targeted

·         I’m tired of seeing stories of little children being shot and killed by random bullets being fired.

·         I’m tired of hearing stories of people of all color losing their businesses due to rioting and looting

·         I’m tired of police officer’s families being targeted in retaliation for something that the officer and his family had nothing to do with.

·         I’m tired of hearing about firefighters and paramedics being attacked when all they are trying to do is save a life

·         I’m tired of hearing excuses of oppression and inequality for using violence to get a point across

·         I’m tired of seeing hate groups treating others of all nationalities and religions with violence

·         I’m tired of feeling like I have to apologize for being born white

·         I’m tired of hearing about intercity violence

·         I’m tired of hearing about “white collar” men and women cheating people out of money because of their greed.

·         I’m tired of people taking advantage of systems meant to help for their personal gain

·         I’m tired of seeing our military veterans living on the streets because there isn’t help out there.

·         I’m tired of hearing about suicides by our military and police and fire because they feel they have no other options.

·         I’m tired of seeing some people in the sports and entertainment spotlight treating others like they are worthless and using their platform to advocate violence and hatred

·         I’m tired of seeing the “left” and the “right” fighting each other so hard that they are not listening to each other and trying to make this country better.

·         I’m tired of waking up to see another police officer has lost his/her life just because of his/her profession.

·         I’m tired of seeing so many people dying from drug overdoses

·         I’m tired of drug dealers taking advantage of the young and vulnerable.

·         I’m tired of hearing about our children dying by suicide because they are being bullied or just feel lost and don’t know how to get help.

·         I’m tired of seeing my friends who are educators working 50-60 hours a week and using their own money to help our next generation only to be paid very little and be hit or screamed at by not only students but also by parents.

·         I’m tired of parents trying to be their childrens friend

·         I’m tired of seeing young people acting like they are owed the world

·         I’m tired of God being removed from our schools and government

·         I’m tired of not taking responsibility for our own actions

·         I’m tired of the blame game

·         I’m tired of not having the answers

·         I’m tired of this world needing God back in it but denying Him or blaming Him for our choices.

·         I’m tired of being tired

Karen Lovett 6-2-20 in the middle of the Covid-19 pandemic and severe rioting due to the killing of George Floyd

What in the World? (Different kind of post)

The world has been crazy clear back to Bible times.  Once Adam and Eve ate of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge sin has been wreaking havoc.  Right now that cycle has ramped up to the nth degree.  It is crazy!!!

President Trump was elected in 2016 causing an uproar and division in the country like I have never witnessed.  One side is so focused on their hatred of this man that they are not even trying to work with him to make or keep this country a wonderful place to live. 

Then we have the current pandemic of Coronavirus (COVID-19) that has literally shut down the world.  Not just the United States but just about every place on this earth.  If the election didn't cause enough division now we have the virus who is dividing us even more.  We have the people who are for the "sheltering-at-home, facemask wearing, social distancing" cause, the "screw this, I will not be told by the government that I elected and that should be working for me, how to live my life and it's all just a lie to turn this country into a communistic state, I will do what I want and with however many people I want" and the "somewhere in the middle" groups of people.  

And if THOSE weren't enough.  We continue to have the racial issues that are happening with the white police and the black citizens.  Just yesterday there was another incident of a man who was being "detained" and a video is shown of the man face down on the ground with the knee of the police officer pressing down on the mans neck and the man continually telling the officer that he can't breath.  The officer never let up pressure and the man later passed away.  

I am the type of person who HATES confrontation.  I don't want anyone to not like me and I want to believe that everyone is good until they prove me wrong.  The problem with this mentality is that I don't know what "stand" to take.  

I don't care for the way President Trump responds to things.  I think he needs to censor his words. Not to be politically correct but the bible says that a gentle word turns away wrath.  I think that he is a blunt person who forgets to think before he responds.  But I do think that he wants the best for this country and that if he had been given the chance, people would see this.   He hasn't really had a chance because he's been having to constantly fight the "other side".  

With the pandemic.  I think the caution at the beginning was needed as we didn't know the extent of the disease or how it would affect people.  I think now that we need to be cautious and use common sense and that if you are vulnerable then you should continue to take extra precautions.  But I don't think we need to keep everything shut down.  

The other night we were at Bible study and someone said that there are people who blindly follow whatever someone tells them to do. Back during the Holocaust people were told to get on a train and they did.  They didn't know to fight for their rights.  I would probably be like those people.  I would probably go along only because I don't want to cause any issues.  I don't want to draw attention to myself.  I don't want to argue because what if I am challenged and I don't have the right answer?  Well, guess what, none of us have all the right answers.  But I still hate conflict.

Now the issue with the man who died.  First of all, how the police handled this was wrong.  Even if the man had or was initially resisting if the person is not able to breath then the officer needs to make an adjustment.  Stand him up, get the other officer's just standing there to help hold an arm.  Anything but continuing to lean on someones neck.  Common sense says that when you are leaning on someones neck you are obstructing airflow.  This officer and the others who did not say anything should 100% be held accountable.  

There are two issues that I have with the media coverage and the citizens response to this.  The first is that the media continues to use racial headlines.  Every person on this planet is special. If so many are trying to stop the racial biases then why continue to make color the main issue?  I'm not saying that what happened to Mr. Floyd wasn't racially motivated.  I wasn't there.  I didn't see what happened.  But I do wonder if this had been the other way around would there be as much of a cry for justice for the victim then?  Of if it had been two people of the same color?  

The second part is the protesting.  As I have said, justice needs to be done.  From what I could see in the video the police officer needs to be held accountable.  His actions and the no action of the other officers should and is being addressed.  What I don't understand is how getting violent with other police officers during protests help the situation?  How is this going to make a difference?  The officers have been fired, the FBI is investigating and charges will probably be filed.  

I think protesting is fine.  I think letting people know that you are with the family, that you believe wrong was done and needs to be looked at is great and is part of our freedoms in this country.  But WHY do protesters have to use violence to protest violence?  It doesn't make sense to me.  And I am not saying this is the only issue where this has happened.  Stuff like this happens all the time and it makes no sense to me.  It just doesn't accomplish anything except make the situation so much worse.  

So there you have it.  My weird post on political and life issues that I am afraid to address with anyone but in my blog that no one really reads so it is my "safe" place.  :)  

If you are reading this than thank you for taking the time.  I love this country, I love being an American but I so wish that we could all just stop being so selfish and try to respond to things in the way that the Lord wants us to.  With humility and grace.  Not with violence and hatred.  We all will not agree and that is okay.  That's what makes us special.  But we all need to do so much better in how we handle things.  I hope you take the time to think before you speak, love instead of hate, try to see the other side and stand up for what is right but remember that a soft word turns away wrath.

2 More Years

April 30, 2018 I changed my Instagram page name to Karens_Journey_to_Health.  My goal was to bring you all along on my journey to losing weight and getting physically and mentally healthy.   I was 443.6 pounds when I posted the first picture on the new journey.  All excited and ready to go.  Ready to inspire not only you all but myself as well.

Fast forward to April 30, 2020.  I weigh 433ish pounds.  (My scale needs a new battery so I am not sure of the actual weight but...).  In two years I have lost 34 pounds from my "starting" weight (53 from my highest) and gained back 24 of those pounds.  I have gone ANOTHER 2 years of watching life go by.  Of missing out on activities.  Of being able to take a bath instead of a shower.  Of just living.  And over that 2 years I have once again shown myself and others that I am all talk and no action.

I don't know why I am so disappointed in myself.  It is the same old pattern over and over again.  I get so excited about something and really think I'm going to do it this time and then all of the sudden 2 years have gone by and I am at the same place as I was before.  Only this time the anger, frustration and disappointment are magnified.  I am fighting the urge to just say I give up completely and to let whatever happens happen.  There is a part of me that keeps saying that I am never going to lose this weight.  I'm never going to accomplish any goal I set for myself so I might as well just eat what I want and who cares.

BUT there is still a part of me that wants to and knows that I can make the changes needed.  I can accomplish those goals.  I can live the life that God wants for me.  And I know that as long as that part of me still exists there is still hope.

I don't doubt that God loves me and that He wants the best for me.  I have seen too many times an answer to a prayer that sometimes I didn't even pray yet.  But I do know that until I truly surrender my life to Him that I am going to continue to struggle.

These almost 53 years have been hard.  I know that others have it harder than me and sometimes I struggle with that as well.  But the years have been.  So many disappointments and heartaches.  So many losses and hurts.  So much playing the victim card.  I don't know what the next years entail.  Only God knows that.  But I just hope and pray that with God's help, I can prove to myself and others that I can accomplish something.  That I am worth fighting for.  That my journey to health can be just that.  A journey to physical and emotional health.  To break this pattern of repeated starts but no finishes.

God, thank you for the last 53 years.  Thank you for all you have blessed me with.  All the people in my life and the health you have given me.  Thank you for loving me even when I try to be unlovable.  Lord, I do ask that we can get this journey moving in the right direction and that you would help me to not stop this time.  That you would be able to use the things I have done (or not done as the case may be) to show me that I can accomplish anything if it is your will and I truly try.  Not just say I'm going to try, but actually put in the effort.
Lord, I love you and thank you for your Son.  In Jesus' Name, Amen.