I am sitting here at 12:16 in the morning on a Saturday night/Sunday morning. Earlier today I went to see Anna play her flute for her middle school solo and ensemble contest. Her grandparents, Annie and I were all waiting in the cafeteria for Anna's scores. We were talking about a police officer who was shot and killed earlier last week. Annie asked what had happened. Sue started telling her and at one point I chimed in with a comment trying to add to the details of the story. I guess it must have struck a nerve with Sue because she looked at me and said, "do you want to tell it?" I said no.
Now, that doesn't seem like it should be that life altering. But, unfortunately, to me it was an affirmation that I am a know-it-all and busy-body. NOW before you all go telling Sue I said this (even though at this point I am sure I am the only one who reads my blog). I can tell you that was not her intention. It is purely my insecurities coming out. I want so bad to never cause her to be mad at me that when she gets frustrated, whether directly with me or because of something else and I happen to be the person that receives her reaction, it hurts. It, by far, does not happen often. I very seldom see her get upset with people in that aspect. But the few times that it has happened where I have been the recipient of it, I have hurt for days. I continue to dwell on it. I get more upset the longer I think about it. I have been crying on and off since around 5pm this evening. Every time I lay down I start running over in my head how I will apologize to her for interrupting. I want to just step away from the entire family. I get it in my head that if I say or do anything that I will be annoying everyone.
It is just so hard. The older I get and the longer I am alone the more I struggle with the fact that I am just tolerated by people. Sure, people say I am nice sometimes but then why don't they want to hang out with me? Why have I never been on a date? Why does no one ever want to come over? Why am I alone more than I am with people? It just makes me think that I am just not lovable and there is something seriously wrong with me. In my head I know that is not true. But in my heart all I can see is the loneliness, all the times that I annoy even myself with how I say things to people and react to things. If I annoy even myself then how much more do I do that to others. I try so hard to be someone that jokes with people and yet is there for them as well. But my jokes and attempt at a sense of humor and my "help" just tends to put people off. I don't know how to do it any other way.
I know that God has me here for a purpose. I just struggle with what it is. When I do things for people I feel like I am only doing them if it benefits me. I feel like I am not doing it for the right reasons. I find that I am very judgmental of people and that I take my insecurities out on those that can't benefit me in someway.
It is 14 months until my 50th birthday and I have not lost a pound. I have medical bills I can't pay and so am not saving any money for this grand trip I so want to go on next year.
See, just one small statement from a dear lady has caused me to spiral into this horrible abyss.
Lord, I know that the feelings I am experiencing are not ones you want me to have. I know you created me in your image and you are beautiful. I just struggle so much with these insecurities, this fear, this loneliness. I don't know how to let it go. I only know how to dwell on these things and the longer I do, the worse they get. I get so frustrated with myself for feeling this way and yet I can't pull myself up out. Please Lord, carry me through this and help me to see that I am not a person that is just tolerated. I know that I am not supposed to worry about what others think of me but if I can't even like myself then how do I expect others to like me? How do I expect you to like me? Lord, I struggle so much with truly giving you everything. I know in my head as well that you are who you say you are but I have been disappointed by so many people including myself in my life that I have a hard time even trusting you. Even when I've seen your work. Please don't give up on me. Please just hug me right now. That is probably the hardest of all. Not having anyone here to physically hug me, to listen to me, to tell me it's okay and that I am loved. That I am not as bad as I think I am. Help me to not rely on others. Help me to just know that you are enough. I know it says it in Your word. It is just sometimes I don't feel it. Lord, I do love you. In Jesus' name, amen
Thanks for reading.
