76 days ago I posted a blog about Anna's band concert that I had attended. I didn't fit in the seats. I had to sit in the cafeteria for almost the entire program.
My goal was to lose enough weight in 76 days to be able to be comfortable at tonight's concert. Well, I am down about 15 pounds. That is not enough and I anticipate I will be uncomfortable again tonight but, I am down!!!!!
I started writing on April 30th a "blog" format on Instagram. It is proving to be helpful and I pray that it will help others as well. I have a LONG way to go but I have started. That is what matters.
I am sure I will have roadblocks and many struggles along the way but with God on my side I will get there...
Thanks for your prayers. #trustGod
Thursday, May 10, 2018
Friday, February 23, 2018
76 Days and a High School Auditorium Chair
May 10, 2018. What significance does that day have? Well, Anna has her spring band concert that night. That is 76 days from the day I am writing this post.
Okay, so what does that matter? Well, last night I went to Anna's winter band concert and couldn't fit in the chair. I sat out in the cafeteria for the first 3 bands then squished myself partially into a chair in the auditorium for her 3 songs and then left. By the time her songs were finished my right foot and leg were asleep and my upper legs were sore. Not only was this painful but it was humiliating!!!
I weighed myself on Wednesday morning for my program that I am on (not really) and weighed 451.2 pounds. When I went home last night I weighed 461.3. I gained 10 pounds in one day. I am retaining a lot of water right now and am worried about that but still, no matter what the cause, I am still grotesquely obese. Something has to change.
So, for my first goal I have 76 days to safely lose enough weight to fit better in the Grove City High School Auditorium chair. Will I fit perfect? Nope. But I will be able to sit in the chair and enjoy the concert.
What does this entail? First, making better choices for my meals. I eat out lunch and dinner every day unless the Baltzers have taken pity on me and invite me over for dinner :) THIS HAS TO STOP (not the Baltzer's dinner invites but the eating out). There is no reason that I can not purchase healthy food items to bring to lunch every day. We have a microwave to cook food in, we have an instahot water system, we have a small fridge to keep things in. No excuse.
Second, I sit at home almost every night playing computer games and watching tv. I can give up 1/2 hour of computer time to add some exercise. Yes I hurt but that does not mean I can't use the bands that I received from RealAppeal and do some exercises while I sit. I can still watch tv while doing these things. I can also still walk my 2 laps around the warehouse DAILY - no excuses.
Third, I can stop focusing on me. I can do these things to make a difference but I need to also quit feeling sorry for myself. I truly believe that God didn't create me to stay this way. As I have mentioned in a previous post I don't know what is in store for me. All I know is that my internal health is doing very well. I have perfect cholesterol, blood pressure and everything else. I have horrible knees but you would too if you carried so much extra weight for 50 years and were clumsy in your earlier days.
76 days. With God's help I can fit in that chair. I can take this first step to being the person He wants me to be. Not the failure I still struggle with seeing.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for creating days. Thank you for knowing that even when we feel our worst you know just what encouragement we need. Thank you for, once again, not giving up on me. I can't say how these next 76 days are going to go but I do know that if I truly let you be in charge I will fit in that chair. You know my heart. You know every detail about me. Help me to find the good that you created in me. Not in a selfish or egotistical way but in a way that will glorify You. A way that will show others that when they hit their lowest point and highest weight that is where You get to begin.
Thank you for Your love.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Okay, so what does that matter? Well, last night I went to Anna's winter band concert and couldn't fit in the chair. I sat out in the cafeteria for the first 3 bands then squished myself partially into a chair in the auditorium for her 3 songs and then left. By the time her songs were finished my right foot and leg were asleep and my upper legs were sore. Not only was this painful but it was humiliating!!!
I weighed myself on Wednesday morning for my program that I am on (not really) and weighed 451.2 pounds. When I went home last night I weighed 461.3. I gained 10 pounds in one day. I am retaining a lot of water right now and am worried about that but still, no matter what the cause, I am still grotesquely obese. Something has to change.
So, for my first goal I have 76 days to safely lose enough weight to fit better in the Grove City High School Auditorium chair. Will I fit perfect? Nope. But I will be able to sit in the chair and enjoy the concert.
What does this entail? First, making better choices for my meals. I eat out lunch and dinner every day unless the Baltzers have taken pity on me and invite me over for dinner :) THIS HAS TO STOP (not the Baltzer's dinner invites but the eating out). There is no reason that I can not purchase healthy food items to bring to lunch every day. We have a microwave to cook food in, we have an instahot water system, we have a small fridge to keep things in. No excuse.
Second, I sit at home almost every night playing computer games and watching tv. I can give up 1/2 hour of computer time to add some exercise. Yes I hurt but that does not mean I can't use the bands that I received from RealAppeal and do some exercises while I sit. I can still watch tv while doing these things. I can also still walk my 2 laps around the warehouse DAILY - no excuses.
Third, I can stop focusing on me. I can do these things to make a difference but I need to also quit feeling sorry for myself. I truly believe that God didn't create me to stay this way. As I have mentioned in a previous post I don't know what is in store for me. All I know is that my internal health is doing very well. I have perfect cholesterol, blood pressure and everything else. I have horrible knees but you would too if you carried so much extra weight for 50 years and were clumsy in your earlier days.
76 days. With God's help I can fit in that chair. I can take this first step to being the person He wants me to be. Not the failure I still struggle with seeing.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for creating days. Thank you for knowing that even when we feel our worst you know just what encouragement we need. Thank you for, once again, not giving up on me. I can't say how these next 76 days are going to go but I do know that if I truly let you be in charge I will fit in that chair. You know my heart. You know every detail about me. Help me to find the good that you created in me. Not in a selfish or egotistical way but in a way that will glorify You. A way that will show others that when they hit their lowest point and highest weight that is where You get to begin.
Thank you for Your love.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
Legacy - What's Mine
Chicago Med was on last night. It is a show that follows the doctors at a hospital in Chicago (go figure?) The episode last night had me really struggling. There was a patient that was brought in because she had been struggling with Anorexia. She had been fighting the disorder for 15 years. At one point the Psychologist talked her into having a feeding tube put in her nose with 3000 calories of food. As soon as the food started to go through the tube she pulled it out and refused to have the treatment. She had had enough. She died a few hours later.
Now how does this relate to me and why did I struggle so much after watching? Anorexia is a much more severe eating disorder than obesity but in some ways they have a lot in common. Both have to do with emotions, both have to do with control. Watching this character (the actress actually looked anorexic) not want to fight for her life made me stop and ask myself why I'm doing the same thing to the other extreme?
I have "been" on a program called RealAppeal for the last 9 months. This is a FREE program through my insurance company. It gave me the scales, measuring cups, smoothie mixer, books, recipes, weekly meetings and computer information to lose the weight. I should be down 100 lbs by now. I have not lost anything. I fluctuate between 440-455.
So in my thinking and the way my mind works I am trying to figure out what my reasoning is to lose this weight. I have not children of my own, I have never been married or even on a date, no one ever comes over to my apartment, I work at a great company but am not doing anything there to make a difference, every time I try to help someone in need it goes no where. I just don't know why I should lose the weight and try to be around another 30 years. Especially if I lose the weight I will need to have skin removal surgery and I don't have the time or the money for that expensive things. Even if I learn to save money I don't get paid for any days off that I take so...
All the kids I have been doing things for are getting older and we spend less time together. Clayton and I used to do things all the time together. Now he has been married for a few years, lives in Arlington, Ohio and I see him a few times a year. Occasionally I will get a snapchat from him but that is about all. Philip is in college and works, Matthew lives on campus now. When we play games sometimes it is like pulling teeth to get Anna to play. I'm just not needed as much anymore. It is really hard to admit that. I know that being needed isn't what should define me or my legacy but it still hurts.
Last night I cried out to God to show me a reason to fight. A reason to want to get healthy. A legacy that I can provide. I told Him that I know He should be all I need but that is hard for me to do.
Today, as I am writing this, I keep "hearing" a "still small voice" in my head telling me to just lose the weight and trust. That there is something wonderful waiting for me and that it will be worth the fight. Now, if I can just listen and obey.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your love. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for allowing each one of us to vent, cry, feel sorry for ourselves, question our purpose. Thank you for just being you. Thank you for the "still small voice" that You are speaking to me today. Please help me to listen. But not to just listen but to heed the voice. Help me to trust that You have something bigger, better and more beautiful waiting for me. Help me to stop being in my head and to get into your word. Lord, I am scared, I am frustrated, I am angry. Help me to let those feelings go and to learn from them and to start living a life that is pleasing to you. A life that will direct others to your love, your legacy and your salvation. In Jesus' name, Amen
Philipians 4:13 - I can do all this through him who gives me strength (NIV)
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."
Now how does this relate to me and why did I struggle so much after watching? Anorexia is a much more severe eating disorder than obesity but in some ways they have a lot in common. Both have to do with emotions, both have to do with control. Watching this character (the actress actually looked anorexic) not want to fight for her life made me stop and ask myself why I'm doing the same thing to the other extreme?
I have "been" on a program called RealAppeal for the last 9 months. This is a FREE program through my insurance company. It gave me the scales, measuring cups, smoothie mixer, books, recipes, weekly meetings and computer information to lose the weight. I should be down 100 lbs by now. I have not lost anything. I fluctuate between 440-455.
So in my thinking and the way my mind works I am trying to figure out what my reasoning is to lose this weight. I have not children of my own, I have never been married or even on a date, no one ever comes over to my apartment, I work at a great company but am not doing anything there to make a difference, every time I try to help someone in need it goes no where. I just don't know why I should lose the weight and try to be around another 30 years. Especially if I lose the weight I will need to have skin removal surgery and I don't have the time or the money for that expensive things. Even if I learn to save money I don't get paid for any days off that I take so...
All the kids I have been doing things for are getting older and we spend less time together. Clayton and I used to do things all the time together. Now he has been married for a few years, lives in Arlington, Ohio and I see him a few times a year. Occasionally I will get a snapchat from him but that is about all. Philip is in college and works, Matthew lives on campus now. When we play games sometimes it is like pulling teeth to get Anna to play. I'm just not needed as much anymore. It is really hard to admit that. I know that being needed isn't what should define me or my legacy but it still hurts.
Last night I cried out to God to show me a reason to fight. A reason to want to get healthy. A legacy that I can provide. I told Him that I know He should be all I need but that is hard for me to do.
Today, as I am writing this, I keep "hearing" a "still small voice" in my head telling me to just lose the weight and trust. That there is something wonderful waiting for me and that it will be worth the fight. Now, if I can just listen and obey.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your love. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for allowing each one of us to vent, cry, feel sorry for ourselves, question our purpose. Thank you for just being you. Thank you for the "still small voice" that You are speaking to me today. Please help me to listen. But not to just listen but to heed the voice. Help me to trust that You have something bigger, better and more beautiful waiting for me. Help me to stop being in my head and to get into your word. Lord, I am scared, I am frustrated, I am angry. Help me to let those feelings go and to learn from them and to start living a life that is pleasing to you. A life that will direct others to your love, your legacy and your salvation. In Jesus' name, Amen
Philipians 4:13 - I can do all this through him who gives me strength (NIV)
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."
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