Where does the time go?

I can't believe it is already December 4, 2011. Only 27 days left in 2011. It sure has flown. You know. One of the things that has really bugged me the last 44 1/2 years of my life is my negativity and procrastination. I have been so down lately because I constantly am finding the negative in a situation. Then I get so angry with myself!!!!! Right now I am fighting loneliness and frustration with stupid things to continue to talk to myself negatively. Once again my silly brain is telling me I am not worth losing weight. That I am not worth it. See, THAT MAKES ME SO MAD!!!

I just started getting back into working out and I feel at work 3 weeks ago and I am still hurting. Everytime I start to do something with my legs my right leg hurts horribly. How am I supposed to work out with the pain?

Well, you know what, I start by changing my eating habits and then once I have some weight off I start slowly strengthing the right leg.

Oh well, not sure what the goal of this post is about but just pray. Please. Pray that I am so angry at myself right now that I do something positive with this anger. That I realize that if I don't like where my life is right now then I need to do something about it!!!!

Thanks,
God Bless.

Thoughts

You know, one thing at work that they do every year is have a survey of employees to see how they think the company is doing and as employees, how we are being treated.  One of the questions these last two years has been, "do you have a best friend at work".  I can 100% say that I do not have a best friend at work.  There are a few people that I really like and if I were to leave the company, I might keep in touch with but it hit me tonight that if I left the company right now there is not one person who I currently work directly with that I would keep in touch with.  I am not saying that they are bad people at all.  They are just as different from me as could be.  I have nothing in common with any of them.  They all have so much in common and love to do the same things and it is complete opposite of what I enjoy doing.  I try to fit in and talk about things that they like but it really doesn't make a difference.  The one person who I had even a little in common with left yesterday.  She is the only one who visited me while I was recuperating from my foot surgery.  I feel so lost and alone there right now.  I am also struggling with what I am doing now too.  I am SO THANKFUL that I have a job!!!  I am truly blessed but I just feel like there has to be more to this life for me than what I am doing.  I don't enjoy being an admin (at least the paperwork part).  I do like the graphics and working with the clients but...

I guess, I just don't know what God wants me to do with my life beside glorify him.  I would love to be able to get up almost every day and enjoy what I am doing and not just exist.  I am in such a rut right now and I am hoping that He is bringing me to point where I am ready to hear and see what He wants me to do.

Please pray for guidance.  If he wants me to stay where I am at pray that he would show me and bring someone along to make it a little easier.  If he wants me to move on please pray that he shows me where that is going to be as well. 

God bless,
Karen

Gotta get my act together...

God is really working on me lately.  I have been going to counseling and also to Overeaters Anonymous.  I went down to the gym at the hotel on Monday and rode an exercise bike for 15 minutes and yesterday I walked on the treadmill for 23 minutes.  It felt good to be able to do that but my feet were falling asleep.

I am sitting around my house looking at how destroyed the carpeting and some walls are.  I am very discouraged because I can't afford to make any changes. I am 4 months behind on my mortgage and have a few other bills that I am trying to pay off.  Sometimes I just want to call the bank and tell them they can have the house.  I look around and want to do so much to it but I don't even know where to start because there is so much that needs to be fixed.  I have contacted the bank to see about the FHA home mortgage deal and waited the month like they told me.  I called them back and they said that the button to move it over to the person who has to evaluate it hadn't even been pushed yet.  So, a month ago they pushed the button.  In the mean time I keep falling further behind. 

I still like the company I work for and for the most part, my managers but there are just a couple of people who make it not a comfortable place to work.  I am so afraid of whatever I say being taken and turned around so that they make fun of me or be mean to me.  I hate that I am still so sensitive that I let people do that to me.  I just don't know how to "let it roll off my shoulders" as I have been told so many times.  I also don't feel like I make a difference there.  I am not being a good witness at work.  I know the Lord puts me where He wants me but he also expects me to be a witness for Him.  I just don't know how to do that.  I don't know how to let go and let Him.

So, what does this all have to do with getting my act together?  I am just getting to the point where I am so tired of living like this!!!!!  My counselor said something last week that has stuck with me. We were talking about me not having a boyfriend or never even having a date.  One of the things he asked me was the type of person I wanted.  I told him someone who loved the Lord first of all, then who was established in a nice job and who was healthy.  Then he asked me about if I didn't want to date or marry someone who sat around playing games on the computer all night, who didn't take care of themselves and who was sad and depressed all the time then why would the type of person I wanted to date want someone like that?  Since I just basically described myself in the type I don't want it really hit home.  I need to get off my backside, get busy and try to get my health and finances in order.  I can't do this without His help though. 

Please pray for me as I feel like I am hitting that rock bottom point that everyone needs to get to so that they can make the changes.  I am scared, I have no idea where to start.  I need to get my house cleaned and organized but I can't do it alone.  But it is so gross that I don't want to ask anyone to come in to help.  I can't afford to hire an organizer and cleaner to come in so...  I just covet your prayers.  Please pray that He will keep encouraging me to want to get my act together. 

Thanks,
God Bless,
Karen

Feeling Needed

I don't know if you are familiar with Ruby? She is a lady who was over 700 pounds and has a show on Style Network. She is down to the 300 pounds but she is gaining some weight back. This is the first season that I have been able to watch because I didn't have Style before. The one thing I have noticed about Ruby that sometimes I wish I had was the live in support system as well as the trainers, the counselor and the nutritionists that are helping her. She has people who are not afraid to stand up to her and tell her that they don't want her to die and that they want her to finish her journey because it is not just important to her but she matters so much to them that they don't want to lose her. I pray that she can continue this journey but I am writing this about my feelings.

FIRST - I don't discount all of you who have been praying and coming along side of me through this. You have all been amazing and I wouldn't have made it this far without God bringing you all into my life. SECOND - it is not anyones responsibility to try to get me to lose this weight but mine. I, with God's help, am the only one who can make the necessary changes. But there are so many times that I feel like I am just not important enough to anyone for them to come up to me and tell me that they don't want me to die and that they want me to finish this journey because I am important enough to them that they would feel an empty spot in their life if I wasn't part of it.

This all goes back to my needing validation through people. I know that this is not right and it is something that my counselor and I are trying to work on. I have not expressed these feelings to him so we haven't really talked about it but I don't know how to not feel like this.

Now, I know that I am important to you. Otherwise you wouldn't be reading this, praying for me and helping me. So, I really don't want people to actually do that but I don't want people to let me get away with things either. I need that accountability. I need people to not say, "it is okay to cheat every once in awhile" I need people to understand that if someone does ask me about something or hold me accountable that I might get frutstrated with them but that it is my defense mechanisim.

I will be talking with my counselor about these feelings. It isn't right to put this on others and I know that but I also know that I can't continue to be enabled.

I just needed to put my feelings down. They probably don't make sense and I am rambling so I will stop now. Thank you all for your love and encouragement. With God's help, I will get there. He has something wonderful in store. I just need to open the doors to my wall and let Him and others in.

I love you Lord. Thank you for my friends and family. I know that they love me. I know that if I would just ask they would be there for me. You know what I need and I thank you for that. Please continue to break me down so that I can rely on you and see that you really do have something wonderful in store if I just let you lead. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Yucky Feelings

Okay, so I got up this morning very late and was extremely tired. I took one of my muscle relaxers because my back has been bothering me a little. It obviously has not left my system yet. I am still sitting here are 11am and am still very tired. I kind of had an outfit in mind but when I went to put it on it was too tight. That put me even further behind. Now I have an outfit on that I don't think is great and I feel ugly in. I guess I am just struggling with feeling ugly today. My hair is a mess, I am tired, I don't feel great and I gave away all my "fat" clothes when I was losing the weight before so I only have a few things to wear now and it is VERY FRUSTRATING. So instead of working harder today I ate these fried pizza things, chicken & dumplings and little baby potatoes smothered in butter and garlic. And a piece of a mint pie for dessert. Ugggghhhhh!!!! I am also wondering if I have offended a few people. I haven't heard from my pen-pal that I have had since 2005 in probably 10 months to a year, my friend, Maria, used to answer me all the time if I would contact her and she has not answered any of my emails or my instant messages, my friend, Kathy, was going to give me her daughters cheerleading schedule back in October and I haven't heard from her either. These are people who are very busy but who normally get back to me if I email them. Just don't know what is going on. So, there you go. My feelings suck today!!!!!! Just thought I would let you know. Karen

Insight

Okay, I have been working with a counselor for the last couple of months. I really like him because he is not just focusing on one area of my obesity. He is digging deep and trying to help me with the lies that I have learned over the years. Most nights I end up crying. Tonight was especially hard. There are so many things that go back to my dad walking out of my life after making a lot of promises to me when I was 8. Also, my mom having her own issues that she didn't know how to deal with so there was not a lot of what a child needs to help them grow up strong and confident. I love my mom and I know that she did the best she could so I am not saying that she was a bad mom. There are just some things that I would have loved for her to do differently that would have probably helped my brother and I both to grow as strong people. Well, at the end of each session my counselor prays. That is the biggest thing that I like about him. Tonight he prayed again for God to open my eyes to see the truth behind the lies. The "I'm not good enough", "Something must be wrong with me", "I am a failure so why try", "everyone will leave me so I better not let them get too close" and so many more. Well, as I was driving home God layed something on my heart. There are so many of us who ask "why?" I question why my dad had to leave, why my mom couldn't be stronger, why other things happen but then as I was thinking of things, it dawned on me that maybe He has allowed these things to happen in my life because He believes that, with His help, I am strong enough to handle it. What an insight. Maybe He continues to not even open some doors or windows in area's of my life that I want so that I can realize, first, that he is not like my earthly father or mom. I don't know if that is it but I sure do thank him for showing me that little bit. Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this counselor that you brought into my life. Thank you for his listening to me and wanting to not just help me for a little while but to try to get to the reasons behind my food addiction and wanting to make it a change that will last. Thank you for showing me different things. Thank you for revealing things clearly to me. This insight tonight was very clear. Thank you that with your help I can overcome this addiction. I can become the woman you created me to be. Lord, I am scared. I have never known a healthy weight, I have never known a healthy confidence. Please continue to be with me and my counselor as we continue to explore my reasons. Please help my eyes and ears to be open and to not make excuses but to accept the part that I have had in this addiction and to be able to forgive those who have hurt me or let me down (even if they didn't but I felt like they did in a little childs mind) and especially, help me to forgive myself. Each day is a choice and Lord, I want those choices to be what you would want for me. Please make them clear. In Jesus' Name, Amen

Talk about prayers answered

Tomorrow is the weigh-in for a program that Lori suggested that she, Polly, Crystal and I join. It is another 10 week program. Okay, Lord, you have given me yet another chance to lose this weight. This time it isn't all about me. There are 3 other women who will be affected by my choices these next ten weeks. So, I did my taxes earlier this week and found out that I get over $1,000 back. Now, I have a few bills to catch up so that won't leave a lot but I have been thinking of doing the personal training at the gym. But it is $300 for 6 weeks. So, tonight I went for my last supper (I know, if I am truly ready to lose weight I would start now and not tomorrow - that is another post I am sure). So, I prayed on my way home to ask if God thought it might be a good idea for the personal training. I stopped at my mailbox and got my mail. There was a letter from my Uncle. It had a final check in it from my grandma's estate. It is well enough over to cover the cost of the training and getting completely caught up on my bills when combined with my paycheck this week and the income tax.

So, I am going to talk to Josh at the gym. I trust him because he has been there since the beginning of my gym experience. He is the one who called me over when I started the first biggest loser back in 2008. He knows about my shoulder, he knows about my achilles tendon surgery, he knows about my bad knees and yet he still knows how to encourage and push at the same time. Please pray that he is available the days that I am and can be my trainer. I am excited to get this started but scared that I will blow it again.

So, that is my answered prayer.

God Bless,
Karen