The Thought of Happiness

HAPPY–adjective
1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.
3. favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky: a happy, fruitful land.
4. apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas.
5. obsessed by or quick to use the item indicated (usually used in combination): a trigger-happy gangster. Everybody is gadget-happy these days.

So, wonder why I have placed that above description for all to read? Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking about this subject. Last night when I went to the gym I didn't want to be there, I had gone home, fed the cats, stopped and got a quick bite to eat, stopped at a clothing store and bought an outfit (which I couldn't afford but needed) so I felt guilty by the time I got to the gym. Then I had tried to call mom a couple of times and she didn't answer so I was afraid her phone didn't work again and headed over there. So, by the time I got back to the gym I was in a bad mood AGAIN. Craig asked me how I was doing and I told him I was grumpy.

It hit me then that I am around a lot of people throughout my day who are in a bad mood or who have a negative outlook on things and I let that affect me. I am so tired of being in a bad or grumpy mood all the time. I constantly wonder what is wrong with me that God hasn't brought someone into my life. Then I realize that having a constant negative and bad attitude makes me not want to be around certain people so who would want to be around me in that state of mind? I don't even want to be around me a lot of times.

I have been blessed with so many wonderful friends and love everyone of them but I go home lonely and sad everynight. I talk on the phone all day at work so I tell people I don't like to talk on the phone. If I go out to dinner I don't invite anyone because I want to read my book. I don't keep my house as clean as I should and use my cats health as an excuse to not have people over yet I complain about being lonely. ARRRRGGGGGHHHH. I know I push people away and don't invite people in because I am afraid. Afraid of being hurt, afraid of people leaving AGAIN, afraid that I will fail like I have done so many times in the past.

I don't want to be like this. I want to be happy. But not happy in the world, happy in Christ. He gives me opportunities each and every day and I constantly fight him or turn away his gifts of love, support and encouragement.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the gifts that you give. Gifts of love, hope, encouragement and most importantly, your Son. Lord, help me to search you out and to be happy in you. Not in myself, not in what others say or do for me but in Your love only. Help me to stop turning away the things you want to give me and ignoring the lessons that you are trying to teach me. Lord, I do love you and thank you for it all.
In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen