Being Honest

Well, I am not sure how many people read this blog anymore which is fine. This blog was started for me to share my feelings about losing weight. I have always hoped to be honest with my postings and I know that sometimes they get negative when I am doing my "reflection". Well, this one will probably come across like that as well.

Tonight on the Biggest Loser the contestant that got voted off was preparing for her wedding. She had tried on a size 24 wedding dress at the beginning of the show and as of the time she was voted off was able to fit into a size 12. She looked beautiful. It made me really sad. I know that my focus needs to be on the Lord and I want that but I also get so lonely and feel like He doesn't want anyone to come into my life. I have gone almost 42 years without someone and it just makes me think that something is terribly wrong with me. I feel loved by the people at church and by the kids and by my friends but it is not the kind of love that I crave and desire. I come home each night to a VERY DIRTY house and the only thing I want to do is play on the computer and watch tv. I work two jobs, I work out, I go to church and when I finally come home I don't want to do anything. If I can't take care of my house then what kind of a spouse would I be?

People tell me I am a sweet, nice person but they don't know me. I only let them see me on my terms. My friend who now lives in Cincinnati asked me if she could stay here if she came up to visit. I live in a 3 bedroom house and don't have anywhere for her to sleep because one room is my computer room and the other spare room is destroyed by my cats and their litter box. I don't want her to stay here because I am ashamed of my house. I have no money to fix it up or get it deep cleaned the way it needs to be and so I have given up on it. If I can't manage this then again, what kind of spouse would I be?

Maybe it is in His plan to not bring me a spouse. If that is the case then who do I have? My mom has me right now but when she passes away I will be all alone. Yes, again, I have my family from church and they are so special to me but they can walk away anytime they want. They aren't here at night when I need someone to talk to or someone to just sit with on the couch and not say anything.

I'm back to a weight loss of 100 pounds and am afraid to go on. I just don't feel loveable in the way that a man loves a woman. I'm afraid that even if I do get the rest of the weight off it won't make a difference. I will just find I am a person at a healthy weight who isn't loveable.

I am so sorry for the way this post is turning out. I don't want to always be so negative and I know that if I really turned it over to God it wouldn't matter if he chooses for me to be single or married but it still hurts and makes me sad.

Do you think the stress of the past few months is catching up to me? Sickness, money issues, weight going up instead of down, brother issues, mom issues, job issues, etc. Please just pray. I know that He has it all planned out and again, I want to trust him. It is just hard to know that He gave me a heart that wants to be loved so much and yet hasn't brought that person into my life.

Dear Heavenly Father, I know that I am sounding really down and discouraged right now. I know, also, that it is okay to have doubts and fears and to express them. I just pray that if you really do choose to keep me single that you will bring me peace about being alone. Help me to not covet what others have. Lord I see so many people from church that have amazing relationships with their spouses. I watch the young people grow up and get married and I want that so bad. Help me to trust that you have a plan and that in your time it will be revealed. Thank you for this medium to post my thoughts so that the amazing friends you have brought into my life can know how to pray. I know that I am loved by each one of them. There is no doubt but it is still hard. Lord, help me to remember that above all else, you love me more than anyone ever could and I can't base my happiness on someone else. I have to be happy in you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. Thanks for tissues too.