46? Where did that come from?

When you are young you think that 30 is old.  When you are 20 you think that 50 is old.  When you are almost 46 you are stunned to see you are almost there.  There is no way I will be 46 in 12 days.  Just not possible.  Yet, that is what is happening.  Where have the 46 years gone?  Just yesterday I was a carefree little girl playing with my Barbies.  Looking back, things have happened in my life that have not been the best.  My dads promises and then leaving probably is one of the most traumatic.  I don't know if I have posted this before but when I was 10 my babysitters teenager also molested me several times.  I was truly unhappy.  I missed my dad, I missed my mom even though she was there physically.  I started acting like a spoiled brat.  I was hurting and the only way I knew how to deal with it was to act out.  I didn't get involved in drinking, I didn't get involved in drugs, I didn't get involved with sleeping around but I got so angry.  I was mean to my mom, I cried to get my way, I tried to make people like me but didn't care that I was hurting my mom.  Was I doing it because I was blaming her for my dad leaving and for her shutting down?  I don't know.  I just know that I did not like myself back them.  I was "fat", I didn't take care of myself cleanwise, back then the clothes for "fat" kids were terrible and I always felt ugly. 
I am still struggling 46 years into my life.  I have a good job but there have been so many changes and the style of the new people is making me feel so insecure again.  I was doing well and then these changes happened.  I don't trust my ability to do a good job.  Even when I get all my work done I am constantly wondering what the next problem will be?   I feel like I am under a microscope.  One of my friends told me to just try to take the "direction" I am getting from my new "leaders" as what they are meant to be, growth opportunities.  It is not easy and I don't feel like they are trying to help me.  I am at the top of the paygrade for my department.  I don't have anything in common with my co-workers.  I feel like they are trying to get me to leave.  See, the paranoia is there all the time. 
So, what do I need to do?  I need to CHANGE MY THINKING.  Yes, I may need to find another job.  We will see.  I just had to get a "new" used car, I am getting ready to move so this is the next step. 
Right now I want to go get icecream or something to eat.  I am stressed just to be writing this and I want to turn to food. 
The way I could get this started is by joining the program at OSU.  I have some money left from the car.  I need to make sure my car doesn't need work but then I will join this program.  We will see how it goes.
Thanks for any prayers.