I am sitting here at work and have a lot of things to do but my mind just keeps running through something and since my computer is broke at home I need to get it written down. I will keep this short (sort of).
I am so blessed to have an amazing group of Godly friends that I spend the majority of my time with. I would not trade them for the world but sometimes I just feel like I am a spectator with the group. That my voice isn't important enough unless we are deciding on where to go to lunch after church on a Sunday.
For so long I have just gone along with what everyone else says and does. I have these wonderful ideas but I am so afraid to share them because I don't want to "rock the boat" and risk any of them from not liking me or thinking I am stupid.
Now, I know that I am normally paranoid. This is nothing new and I am sure you picked up on this over the last 7 years. But here are some examples of my thought process. I have wanted to have a group of people who will walk in the Relay for Life with the American Cancer Society in June each year. I wanted to do it the June after Penny died but as soon as I brought it up her husband went kind of crazy and told me that he wouldn't be ready for something like that so I scraped the idea. Well, I have thought about it every year since 2010. This year I decided to do a group. I had one person say they would have walked but they were going to be out of town. No one else even acted like they thought it was a good idea. But when another person was walking in a different fund-raiser for a different disease everyone jumped all over it and wanted to help any way they could.
I also follow a lot of families on Facebook. I do this so that I can pray for them. The things they are going through are heartbreaking but their faith is so encouraging. A couple of weeks ago I asked for prayer in our Bible study for a family whose baby was born with ancephaly. He only lived for 4 hours. When I mentioned that it was a family that I followed on Facebook I saw two of the people in the group look at each other like I was stupid for bringing it up. Last week another person mentioned someone else that was doing something and was trying to make sure they were doing it for the Glory of God in a national spotlight. We only know this person but from Television. Everyone was quick to pray for this person and didn't give it a second thought.
It just seems that when I try to expand our prayers and thoughts outside of our groups needs that it gets brushed aside. Like if it doesn't relate to us as a group or wasn't someone elses idea then it is not worth pursuing or it is looked at like it was a dumb idea.
I know I am not explaining it well but I so want to make a difference outside of my little bubble. I am so tired of wanting to help but having those ideas overlooked or just ignored. I just don't know how to do things. Sometimes I still think it would be a good idea for me to move away from here. It is just so easy for me to "go along" with the group. I want to find my voice. I want to be a leader. I want to make a difference. I want my thoughts and opinions to be respected but most of all, I want everything I think and do to glorify God and I don't think He gave me this desire to help others outside of "our group" for no reason.
Now to just figure out how to step away from the "norm" and do what He is calling me to do.
Please pray if you read this any more. I know that if no one does, at least God knows my heart and I just need to trust Him that maybe He wants me to expand my circle of believers as well.
God bless,
Karen
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