Regrets

Regrets, Webster defines it as: a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.

I hate that word.  It should be a word that is not allowed to be spoken or felt.  Yesterday I NEEDED to call my brother.  I was driving to the city to get some permits and I was in tears because we hardly ever talk.  It was just something that I had to do.  Last night I was able to call him and he actually answered his phone.  We only talked for a few minutes but it was so nice to hear his voice.

Today I was going over to drop off Mikayla's present for Phil and Sue to take to Georgia tomorrow and I drove down Alkire.  I came to the bridge.  It went from a bridge that 2 cars could barely get through at the same time to a bridge that is so big they could probably bring a ferris wheel through.  It reminded me that mom never got to see that.  We went through that old bridge hundreds of times.  She would have laughed at the new bridge.  It was done several years ago but since she has been gone for 6 1/2 years she didn't get to see it. Then I went by my street that I grew up on.  

It just really hit me that I miss my life when I was growing up. But it is not what you would think.  I was a very sad young lady.  I was selfish, I was angry, I hurt for the abandonment that my dad did.  I hurt that my mom was so sad that she gave up on life when I was young.  I was sad that I wasn't desirable.  I miss that I wasted the last 48 years.  I have had so many opportunities and blessings.  I have walked away from so much.  I was in honors orchestra in middle school but I walked away.  I never took my lunch tray up because I was afraid of people.  I didn't join the school plays, I didn't join the softball team.  I let my anger and fears rob me of a life.  God has answered so many of my prayers over the years and I still waste each opportunity.  I look at pictures of me even 7 years ago when I was losing weight.  If I had just kept going I would have been at a healthy weight for at least 5 years.  But no, I turned right back to food.  I got depressed again.  

I have signed up for a weight loss challenge that is over a month gone and today I ate a cheeseburger, 2 chicken strips from Raising Canes, Potato Salad, a huge piece of chocolate cake, chips, a burrito, a taco, a cake pop and 1/2 of a lunch bag of candy.  I haven't been to the gym in almost 2 weeks.  

Last year I wrote that I wanted to go on a trip for my 50th birthday.  That is only 54 weeks away.  I should have been 1/2 my size by now and had several hundred dollars saved up.  Heck, someone even gave me $500 towards that trip last year and I have spent it.  

I know that I can't let all the regrets over these 48 years cause me to give up.  I know that I need to use them and that I am still breathing and as long as the Lord gives me breath I can make the changes needed to be healthy both physically and emotionally but I just don't have the energy to let go of the regrets.  Satan is having way to much power in my life and sometimes I find it so hard to fight him.  I just want to hide in my dirty apartment and say what the heck.  If I just stay here long enough then all the things the doctors say about a morbidly obese person will finally come true.  That thinking then makes me feel even more depressed.

Okay, wow, my posts lately have not been very happy.  I truly do know I am blessed and I know that God is with me.  It is just so hard because I don't feel like I can talk to people about these deep feelings because I have been such a negative person and I would get tired of hearing me say the same things over and over again.  I know I sound like a broken record most of the time.  This blog is becoming my outlet.  I have been to several counselors, I have people praying for me.  I am just not sure what it is going to take to get me moving in the right direction.  It is just easier to be like this.  Again, if you read this blog, thank you for praying.  Please note that this is sort of a way for me to write out my prayer requests.  My way to let the Lord know what is really on my heart.  I know He knows it all and that He is with me and loves me.  One day soon I will get my act on the right tract.

Thank you Lord for letting me cry and vent and list all my heart on this blog.  I know that my information is pretty much the same every time that I cry out to you and that it is nothing new to You.  Thank you that despite all of that You continue to love me.  Amen