Wow, it's been almost a year since I last posted.   I wish I could do this more often but I just get so easily sidetracked.

So, my 50th birthday finally arrived 4 days ago.  For two years I had planned and dreamed of going to a dude ranch out west.  My goal was to lose 200 lbs and to be able to enjoy things that I had never dreamt I would do.  I have since gained weight.  I now weigh over 440lbs.  I struggle with walking, standing and doing so much more.  I hate who I have let myself become.  There is no excuse.  I remet my dad last year and that is going great!!!  I have so many people who love me.  I am otherwise healthy.  I have a great job.  And most importantly I have a God who loves me more than anything.

So, why am I still this obese?  Why do I continue to stick to my victim mentality and laziness?  What needs to happen to get me off my backside and get working on becoming the person that God wants me to be?

Let me tell you about how my 50th birthday actually went.  I have been in the process of buying a little house since April.  Things have hit a big snag but that is for a later post.

I got up Sunday morning and was actually happy it was my birthday even though I had accomplished nothing that I wanted originally.  I went to church and received several birthday greetings.  We then went to Texas Roadhouse so I could get my "Dude Ranch" "experience".  It was a small group, Polly, Tim, Micah, Phil, Sue, Ryan, Joshlyn and Andrew.  We had a great time.

I showed up to Bible Study at 5:30 like normal.  We started to eat about 10 minutes later.  Then the doorbell at Polly & Tim's rang.  Polly said it was Philip for me.  I figured he must have bought me some balloons or something so I cautiously opened the door.  There before me was around 30 people who had come to celebrate my birthday!!!  One by one they came in the door.  People that I hadn't seen in a long time.  All to share my birthday.  Polly had arranged it for me and I had NO CLUE!!!  To say the tears flowed is an understatement.  There ultimately was around 52 people with a few others that couldn't make it sending cards.  A beautiful cake made by Sheri Finley was displayed.  Tim hung a birthday present pinata on the basketball hoop outside.  Yep, I was blindfolded and spun in a circle.

I finally got home at 10:30 Sunday evening.  Words will never be able to describe what an amazing night it turned out to be.

Yesterday we got to celebrate Micah's 12th birthday.  Just a few of us eating dinner and playing games.  After dinner Philip gave me a hard bound book that all of the 18 nieces and nephews had made for me.  Each page was dedicated to one child and they had either written something to me or the mom had said/written something.  It is the most beautiful gift I think I have ever received.

What has made me want to write this post is because of that book.  As I turned the pages the notes became more detailed.  Reading them made me stop and wonder who they were writing about.  Because, I don't see myself as a Godly example that they talk about.  I don't see myself as someone they should look up to.  I see myself as an overweight, lazy, selfish person who hasn't truly given her whole self to God because of the fear of what He will ask me to do.

I want to be the person that these young people can truly look up to.  Not because I want the attention and love but because it is what God has called me to be.  He has not given me children of my own but he has surrounded me with so many young people.  I not only have an opportunity but I have a responsibility to lead by example.  Sometimes even more so than even a parent because a child will sometimes struggle with a parent/child relationship but an adult that is close to them will be watched and may have a different influence that the child will respond to.

Lord, help me to be the woman that these young people think I am.  Help me to see that I am not just the overweight, lazy, selfish person that I see.  Help me to open my eyes to what others see and not just the negative.  Lord there has to be something in me for those children to write what they did.  Show me.  Not so that I can become conceited but so that I can be an example of what it means to truly live for You.  I thank you Lord for each and everyone of those children.  I am blessed beyond measure.  Help me to remember that.  To know that I am loved and that what I see in myself is not what you made me to be.  Help me to know that if I want to be the woman they see then I can be.  One step at a time, I can be that Godly example.  In Jesus' name, Amen