What in the world is happening? This year was supposed to be filled with so many fun memories. New decade, new time in America.
Enter the Coronavirus. COVID-19. A highly contagious respiratory infection that has literally shut down the world. Not Grove City, not Columbus, not Ohio, not even the United States but the world. There are people dying from this virus. There are area's that stopped doing anything for months. We are on week 4 or 5 at this point. I have lost count.
I am considered an "essential" employee because I am the Office Manager for a plumbing company. There are so many who don't have jobs right now.
So, what does this post have to do with weight loss? Well, this time is really playing a huge part on my emotions. I have been eating a lot of unhealthy foods lately. Not in just small amounts but in large amounts. I ate 8 donuts in one sitting last week. 8!!!! That is just one of the examples. I am so frustrated with myself.
Today it kind of hit me as to why. I am struggling with guilt. Kind of like survivors guilt. I get to get up everyday at the same time. Go into an office and shut the door and basically stay away from most contact. I am not on the front lines. I am not a nurse, doctor or medical professional. I am not a first responder. I don't work for a restaurant or a grocery store. I can limit my contact with people.
Why do I get to still work when others who don't have control over their environment have to face this risk of this virus? Why do I get to still have a paycheck coming in when there are so many who are facing financial heartbreak?
No, I don't want this virus. No, I don't want to have to worry about finances. No, I don't want to have to give up the freedoms that I am still able to have. I so appreciate everything that I have and every opportunity that I have right now. I just don't know how to let go of this guilt that I'm experiencing.
Has my life been interrupted? Sure, I can't go to a restaurant and sit down to eat a meal. I can't order curbside pickup from Giant Eagle or Kroger and be able to pick it up tonight. (The wait is 4-5 days). I can't go to church on Sunday or Bible Study on Sunday nights. But so what. I still get to watch church on Sunday's via Facebook. I am alive, healthy (except my weight) and I have so much.
I don't know how to stop the guilt thoughts. I want to help people but physically I struggle with going to the store for myself let alone for others. I struggle with cleaning for myself so I know I would struggle with cleaning for others. The people who need the friends or companionship right now are the ones who are most susceptible to getting this virus. It stinks!!!
Heavenly Father,
Please end this virus or contain it soon. Please don't let us go back to "normal" as this time of self-isolation has allowed people to be still. It has also helped our world "clean" up a little. Smog is better, blue skies are shining for the first time in a long time in places like India and animals are learning how to relive in their environment. But help us to be able to get back to gathering as groups. Worshipping, spending time together. Help people who have lost jobs be able to work again. Lord, help us to know you are in control. Change hearts to help people make the decisions that are for the good of the people and not for their own gain.
And Lord, I ask that you would just help those of us who are kind of in the middle. We are considered essential but I am sure I am not the only one who feels it. Help us to not get lost in our, I don't even know the way to describe it, feelings of being needed but in the grand scheme of things, not really feeling like those who are truly essential. And finally Lord, I just ask that you would protect those who are on the front lines. Lord, give them the tools they need to stay safe and healthy. Give them the knowledge to be able to treat the people that need the help.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
Tuesday, March 10, 2020
New Day, New Attitude?
So I woke up today with the anger being front and center. Not the anger towards anyone except my situation. I am so tired of living in an unhealthy body, spending tons of money on eating out and computer games and watching life go by. Today I want to make the changes I need to fight for myself. My health, my finances, my relationship with God. Today I want to LIVE.
This attitude actually scares me to death because I have had this type of attitude so many times in the past and it only takes one little thing to turn it off. Eating the unhealthy meal, paying that $1.99 for those 10 extra coins to finish the computer game, going to that expensive restaurant instead of bringing my lunch or cooking at home, walking in my front door and immediately playing computer games and watching tv instead of spending time with God in His word. This is my MO. This is how I've done things for 52 3/4 years.
My head knows what to do. I have been to the programs to help me. I have been given so many tools to be successful in losing weight and saving money. I just struggle with the "want to". It makes me so mad!!! Would it be easier to have someone take my checkbook and handle my money for me so that I can't waste it? OH YEA!!! It would be awesome. It would also end any friendship I had with that person as I would not be a good "helpee". It is also not anyone else's responsibility to help me make the changes.
One of the things that God laid on my heart this morning on my way to work was that maybe He has allowed me to stay alone all these years was because He is trying to show me that I only need Him to make the changes needed. What an accomplishment to actually be able to be a grown up and do the adulting thing.
Does that mean I can't reach out for support? NO. He has placed people and resources in my life and in all our lives to help us along that way. He doesn't expect us to be able to do it alone but He also will provide for us if that is how it is going right now.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for walking this road with me. Thank you for bringing the people and things into my life to make me successful. Not in a worldly way but in a way that makes me healthy and able to do your work. I am a long way from being where I need to be but I know that you can use me even where I am at right now. Lord, help me to keep this attitude. Even in the next few minutes as I have to make a decision about what to get for lunch. Help me to choose a meal that will satisfy me and provide the fuel my body needs but will not be unhealthy or expensive. Lord, I want to live life. Not just exist. Most of all, I want to crave Your word above everything else. Help me to allow you to change my heart. Help me to look satan in the face when he tries to tempt me with unhealthy choices and say leave me alone in Your name. Lord, I do love you and I want to trust you 100%. Help me to stop being afraid and doubting you. Help me to just learn so much about you that people will ask me where my strength comes from. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
This attitude actually scares me to death because I have had this type of attitude so many times in the past and it only takes one little thing to turn it off. Eating the unhealthy meal, paying that $1.99 for those 10 extra coins to finish the computer game, going to that expensive restaurant instead of bringing my lunch or cooking at home, walking in my front door and immediately playing computer games and watching tv instead of spending time with God in His word. This is my MO. This is how I've done things for 52 3/4 years.
My head knows what to do. I have been to the programs to help me. I have been given so many tools to be successful in losing weight and saving money. I just struggle with the "want to". It makes me so mad!!! Would it be easier to have someone take my checkbook and handle my money for me so that I can't waste it? OH YEA!!! It would be awesome. It would also end any friendship I had with that person as I would not be a good "helpee". It is also not anyone else's responsibility to help me make the changes.
One of the things that God laid on my heart this morning on my way to work was that maybe He has allowed me to stay alone all these years was because He is trying to show me that I only need Him to make the changes needed. What an accomplishment to actually be able to be a grown up and do the adulting thing.
Does that mean I can't reach out for support? NO. He has placed people and resources in my life and in all our lives to help us along that way. He doesn't expect us to be able to do it alone but He also will provide for us if that is how it is going right now.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for walking this road with me. Thank you for bringing the people and things into my life to make me successful. Not in a worldly way but in a way that makes me healthy and able to do your work. I am a long way from being where I need to be but I know that you can use me even where I am at right now. Lord, help me to keep this attitude. Even in the next few minutes as I have to make a decision about what to get for lunch. Help me to choose a meal that will satisfy me and provide the fuel my body needs but will not be unhealthy or expensive. Lord, I want to live life. Not just exist. Most of all, I want to crave Your word above everything else. Help me to allow you to change my heart. Help me to look satan in the face when he tries to tempt me with unhealthy choices and say leave me alone in Your name. Lord, I do love you and I want to trust you 100%. Help me to stop being afraid and doubting you. Help me to just learn so much about you that people will ask me where my strength comes from. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Wednesday, February 26, 2020
Such a long time and the same spot...
I can't believe it has been since 2018 since I have posted here. I started posting on Instagram so I kind of got away from here. Well, I wanted to write in here because I am at a place where I am just so discouraged and frustrated that I didn't really want to put it out there for all to see.
This blog is kind of my therapy and since no one really reads it, it's like a diary too. I weigh 433lbs as of yesterday morning. Today I told myself that I was going to make good choices on my eating. At lunch I got an 8" Jimmy John's Italian sub (one of the most fattening). This morning I tried the new Wendy's sausage, egg and cheese biscuit sandwich with their seasoned fries and a Diet Coke. Tonight I went to a little place called Memories and got their appetizer sampler. It consisted of 8 mini tacos, 3 fried pickles, 4 fried mac & cheese wedges and 6 chicken wings. Then I stopped at Dairy Queen and got a hot fudge brownie sundae.
WHY???????? Why can't I stop doing this to myself? Why can't I follow through? Why do I continually sabotage myself? What is stopping me from really trying? I hate myself sometimes. (Not enough to do anything drastic) but in some ways I AM hurting myself just in a slower fashion. I'm not even trying to get healthy.
Yes, I love food. I love the taste of food. I love sitting down at a restaurant and eating a meal, even when I am alone because there are people there to watch. Conversations to eavesdrop on. Noise. But why can't I make healthy choices when I am eating out?
When I moved to my new apartment in June of last year I was so excited because I had a pretty big kitchen with an electric stove and a DISHWASHER. There have been dirty dishes sitting on my counter for a few weeks now and I haven't cooked myself a meal in months. I was taking my lunch every day to work last year for several months and I stopped that and now eat out each meal. I did Intermittent Fasting for awhile but then I plateaued and went back to eating what I wanted, when I wanted. I tried to start IF again but have not done well this time around.
I come home each night and turn on my computer, play games and watch tv. I was just thinking about my mom and how I got so frustrated with her for not even trying to get healthy and yet I am STILL doing the same exact thing. What is going to happen when my legs finally say enough? Why would anyone want to help me? I have done this to myself. I have chosen to eat this way, I have chosen to feel sorry for myself, I have chosen to give up on really living and just exist. Though I really don't remember a time when I was really living. I have been so afraid of life that I think I have just existed for the last 52 years. I have continually started to make progress on something only to once again stop or fail. The only thing consistent has been my TimeHop streak and making my bed every day.
It is so frustrating and discouraging. When I had my physical at the beginning of February everything internally was perfect again. I remember as I was talking about it at our prayer meeting I was praising God for allowing me to be healthy internally even though I constantly abuse myself. But joint wise I am really a mess and asking for prayer. I person, under their breath, said something like "here we go". See, even those who say they love me are tired of hearing me constantly asking for prayer for weightloss. They have been praying for so long and I constantly ignore the help God gives me that they are tired of hearing it. I don't blame them. I am tired of hearing it myself.
The thing is, I don't want to continue this way. I hate the place I am at. I hate the thought of eventually having to rely on someone to help me. I hate that I have to have people come and do things for me because my legs and back are so worn out from carrying this much weight for so long that I can't even vacuum my own house without being in severe pain. I hate it all. I also hate that in my head I know what I need to do but I don't want to do it. I want others to come and do it for me. Others to come and take me to the gym. Others to invite me over and fix me healthy meals. Others to help me get out of my own head. It makes me so mad!!!! It is not others responsibility!!! I am not a victim. I am a grown woman who should be able to take care of herself. Who shouldn't have to rely on others. Who should want to lose the weight and get healthy because it is the right thing to do. Not so that others can praise me for losing the weight.
God, you have given me so much over the years. You have opened so many doors for me to walk through to get healthy. You have brought people into my life to encourage me. To come along side of me. And yet I keep fighting you every step of the way. I don't want to do the work. I don't trust that you will have great things for me. I don't believe that I can do the things you will ask me to do if I get healthy. I continue to believe Satan who constantly tells me that I have been a failure at everything my entire life and that is not about to change. Lord, I know that you love me and that you love me enough for me not to stay where I'm at but in my heart I still struggle with trusting you with everything. I like my tv shows, I like my computer games, I like fattening foods. I don't want to give those things up and yet I know that I need to spend time with you. I know that in order to learn more about you and trust you I need to spend time in your word. But Lord, I think I'm going to do it and then nothing ever changes. I just ask that you don't give up on me and I will try to not give up on me either. You love me and Lord, with your help, I would like to learn to love myself as well. Not in an egotistical way but in a way that I become more like you. I pray this in Jesus' name, Amen.
This blog is kind of my therapy and since no one really reads it, it's like a diary too. I weigh 433lbs as of yesterday morning. Today I told myself that I was going to make good choices on my eating. At lunch I got an 8" Jimmy John's Italian sub (one of the most fattening). This morning I tried the new Wendy's sausage, egg and cheese biscuit sandwich with their seasoned fries and a Diet Coke. Tonight I went to a little place called Memories and got their appetizer sampler. It consisted of 8 mini tacos, 3 fried pickles, 4 fried mac & cheese wedges and 6 chicken wings. Then I stopped at Dairy Queen and got a hot fudge brownie sundae.
WHY???????? Why can't I stop doing this to myself? Why can't I follow through? Why do I continually sabotage myself? What is stopping me from really trying? I hate myself sometimes. (Not enough to do anything drastic) but in some ways I AM hurting myself just in a slower fashion. I'm not even trying to get healthy.
Yes, I love food. I love the taste of food. I love sitting down at a restaurant and eating a meal, even when I am alone because there are people there to watch. Conversations to eavesdrop on. Noise. But why can't I make healthy choices when I am eating out?
When I moved to my new apartment in June of last year I was so excited because I had a pretty big kitchen with an electric stove and a DISHWASHER. There have been dirty dishes sitting on my counter for a few weeks now and I haven't cooked myself a meal in months. I was taking my lunch every day to work last year for several months and I stopped that and now eat out each meal. I did Intermittent Fasting for awhile but then I plateaued and went back to eating what I wanted, when I wanted. I tried to start IF again but have not done well this time around.
I come home each night and turn on my computer, play games and watch tv. I was just thinking about my mom and how I got so frustrated with her for not even trying to get healthy and yet I am STILL doing the same exact thing. What is going to happen when my legs finally say enough? Why would anyone want to help me? I have done this to myself. I have chosen to eat this way, I have chosen to feel sorry for myself, I have chosen to give up on really living and just exist. Though I really don't remember a time when I was really living. I have been so afraid of life that I think I have just existed for the last 52 years. I have continually started to make progress on something only to once again stop or fail. The only thing consistent has been my TimeHop streak and making my bed every day.
It is so frustrating and discouraging. When I had my physical at the beginning of February everything internally was perfect again. I remember as I was talking about it at our prayer meeting I was praising God for allowing me to be healthy internally even though I constantly abuse myself. But joint wise I am really a mess and asking for prayer. I person, under their breath, said something like "here we go". See, even those who say they love me are tired of hearing me constantly asking for prayer for weightloss. They have been praying for so long and I constantly ignore the help God gives me that they are tired of hearing it. I don't blame them. I am tired of hearing it myself.
The thing is, I don't want to continue this way. I hate the place I am at. I hate the thought of eventually having to rely on someone to help me. I hate that I have to have people come and do things for me because my legs and back are so worn out from carrying this much weight for so long that I can't even vacuum my own house without being in severe pain. I hate it all. I also hate that in my head I know what I need to do but I don't want to do it. I want others to come and do it for me. Others to come and take me to the gym. Others to invite me over and fix me healthy meals. Others to help me get out of my own head. It makes me so mad!!!! It is not others responsibility!!! I am not a victim. I am a grown woman who should be able to take care of herself. Who shouldn't have to rely on others. Who should want to lose the weight and get healthy because it is the right thing to do. Not so that others can praise me for losing the weight.
God, you have given me so much over the years. You have opened so many doors for me to walk through to get healthy. You have brought people into my life to encourage me. To come along side of me. And yet I keep fighting you every step of the way. I don't want to do the work. I don't trust that you will have great things for me. I don't believe that I can do the things you will ask me to do if I get healthy. I continue to believe Satan who constantly tells me that I have been a failure at everything my entire life and that is not about to change. Lord, I know that you love me and that you love me enough for me not to stay where I'm at but in my heart I still struggle with trusting you with everything. I like my tv shows, I like my computer games, I like fattening foods. I don't want to give those things up and yet I know that I need to spend time with you. I know that in order to learn more about you and trust you I need to spend time in your word. But Lord, I think I'm going to do it and then nothing ever changes. I just ask that you don't give up on me and I will try to not give up on me either. You love me and Lord, with your help, I would like to learn to love myself as well. Not in an egotistical way but in a way that I become more like you. I pray this in Jesus' name, Amen.
Thursday, May 10, 2018
It's Day 76 - Where am I at now?
76 days ago I posted a blog about Anna's band concert that I had attended. I didn't fit in the seats. I had to sit in the cafeteria for almost the entire program.
My goal was to lose enough weight in 76 days to be able to be comfortable at tonight's concert. Well, I am down about 15 pounds. That is not enough and I anticipate I will be uncomfortable again tonight but, I am down!!!!!
I started writing on April 30th a "blog" format on Instagram. It is proving to be helpful and I pray that it will help others as well. I have a LONG way to go but I have started. That is what matters.
I am sure I will have roadblocks and many struggles along the way but with God on my side I will get there...
Thanks for your prayers. #trustGod
My goal was to lose enough weight in 76 days to be able to be comfortable at tonight's concert. Well, I am down about 15 pounds. That is not enough and I anticipate I will be uncomfortable again tonight but, I am down!!!!!
I started writing on April 30th a "blog" format on Instagram. It is proving to be helpful and I pray that it will help others as well. I have a LONG way to go but I have started. That is what matters.
I am sure I will have roadblocks and many struggles along the way but with God on my side I will get there...
Thanks for your prayers. #trustGod
Friday, February 23, 2018
76 Days and a High School Auditorium Chair
May 10, 2018. What significance does that day have? Well, Anna has her spring band concert that night. That is 76 days from the day I am writing this post.
Okay, so what does that matter? Well, last night I went to Anna's winter band concert and couldn't fit in the chair. I sat out in the cafeteria for the first 3 bands then squished myself partially into a chair in the auditorium for her 3 songs and then left. By the time her songs were finished my right foot and leg were asleep and my upper legs were sore. Not only was this painful but it was humiliating!!!
I weighed myself on Wednesday morning for my program that I am on (not really) and weighed 451.2 pounds. When I went home last night I weighed 461.3. I gained 10 pounds in one day. I am retaining a lot of water right now and am worried about that but still, no matter what the cause, I am still grotesquely obese. Something has to change.
So, for my first goal I have 76 days to safely lose enough weight to fit better in the Grove City High School Auditorium chair. Will I fit perfect? Nope. But I will be able to sit in the chair and enjoy the concert.
What does this entail? First, making better choices for my meals. I eat out lunch and dinner every day unless the Baltzers have taken pity on me and invite me over for dinner :) THIS HAS TO STOP (not the Baltzer's dinner invites but the eating out). There is no reason that I can not purchase healthy food items to bring to lunch every day. We have a microwave to cook food in, we have an instahot water system, we have a small fridge to keep things in. No excuse.
Second, I sit at home almost every night playing computer games and watching tv. I can give up 1/2 hour of computer time to add some exercise. Yes I hurt but that does not mean I can't use the bands that I received from RealAppeal and do some exercises while I sit. I can still watch tv while doing these things. I can also still walk my 2 laps around the warehouse DAILY - no excuses.
Third, I can stop focusing on me. I can do these things to make a difference but I need to also quit feeling sorry for myself. I truly believe that God didn't create me to stay this way. As I have mentioned in a previous post I don't know what is in store for me. All I know is that my internal health is doing very well. I have perfect cholesterol, blood pressure and everything else. I have horrible knees but you would too if you carried so much extra weight for 50 years and were clumsy in your earlier days.
76 days. With God's help I can fit in that chair. I can take this first step to being the person He wants me to be. Not the failure I still struggle with seeing.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for creating days. Thank you for knowing that even when we feel our worst you know just what encouragement we need. Thank you for, once again, not giving up on me. I can't say how these next 76 days are going to go but I do know that if I truly let you be in charge I will fit in that chair. You know my heart. You know every detail about me. Help me to find the good that you created in me. Not in a selfish or egotistical way but in a way that will glorify You. A way that will show others that when they hit their lowest point and highest weight that is where You get to begin.
Thank you for Your love.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Okay, so what does that matter? Well, last night I went to Anna's winter band concert and couldn't fit in the chair. I sat out in the cafeteria for the first 3 bands then squished myself partially into a chair in the auditorium for her 3 songs and then left. By the time her songs were finished my right foot and leg were asleep and my upper legs were sore. Not only was this painful but it was humiliating!!!
I weighed myself on Wednesday morning for my program that I am on (not really) and weighed 451.2 pounds. When I went home last night I weighed 461.3. I gained 10 pounds in one day. I am retaining a lot of water right now and am worried about that but still, no matter what the cause, I am still grotesquely obese. Something has to change.
So, for my first goal I have 76 days to safely lose enough weight to fit better in the Grove City High School Auditorium chair. Will I fit perfect? Nope. But I will be able to sit in the chair and enjoy the concert.
What does this entail? First, making better choices for my meals. I eat out lunch and dinner every day unless the Baltzers have taken pity on me and invite me over for dinner :) THIS HAS TO STOP (not the Baltzer's dinner invites but the eating out). There is no reason that I can not purchase healthy food items to bring to lunch every day. We have a microwave to cook food in, we have an instahot water system, we have a small fridge to keep things in. No excuse.
Second, I sit at home almost every night playing computer games and watching tv. I can give up 1/2 hour of computer time to add some exercise. Yes I hurt but that does not mean I can't use the bands that I received from RealAppeal and do some exercises while I sit. I can still watch tv while doing these things. I can also still walk my 2 laps around the warehouse DAILY - no excuses.
Third, I can stop focusing on me. I can do these things to make a difference but I need to also quit feeling sorry for myself. I truly believe that God didn't create me to stay this way. As I have mentioned in a previous post I don't know what is in store for me. All I know is that my internal health is doing very well. I have perfect cholesterol, blood pressure and everything else. I have horrible knees but you would too if you carried so much extra weight for 50 years and were clumsy in your earlier days.
76 days. With God's help I can fit in that chair. I can take this first step to being the person He wants me to be. Not the failure I still struggle with seeing.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for creating days. Thank you for knowing that even when we feel our worst you know just what encouragement we need. Thank you for, once again, not giving up on me. I can't say how these next 76 days are going to go but I do know that if I truly let you be in charge I will fit in that chair. You know my heart. You know every detail about me. Help me to find the good that you created in me. Not in a selfish or egotistical way but in a way that will glorify You. A way that will show others that when they hit their lowest point and highest weight that is where You get to begin.
Thank you for Your love.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
Legacy - What's Mine
Chicago Med was on last night. It is a show that follows the doctors at a hospital in Chicago (go figure?) The episode last night had me really struggling. There was a patient that was brought in because she had been struggling with Anorexia. She had been fighting the disorder for 15 years. At one point the Psychologist talked her into having a feeding tube put in her nose with 3000 calories of food. As soon as the food started to go through the tube she pulled it out and refused to have the treatment. She had had enough. She died a few hours later.
Now how does this relate to me and why did I struggle so much after watching? Anorexia is a much more severe eating disorder than obesity but in some ways they have a lot in common. Both have to do with emotions, both have to do with control. Watching this character (the actress actually looked anorexic) not want to fight for her life made me stop and ask myself why I'm doing the same thing to the other extreme?
I have "been" on a program called RealAppeal for the last 9 months. This is a FREE program through my insurance company. It gave me the scales, measuring cups, smoothie mixer, books, recipes, weekly meetings and computer information to lose the weight. I should be down 100 lbs by now. I have not lost anything. I fluctuate between 440-455.
So in my thinking and the way my mind works I am trying to figure out what my reasoning is to lose this weight. I have not children of my own, I have never been married or even on a date, no one ever comes over to my apartment, I work at a great company but am not doing anything there to make a difference, every time I try to help someone in need it goes no where. I just don't know why I should lose the weight and try to be around another 30 years. Especially if I lose the weight I will need to have skin removal surgery and I don't have the time or the money for that expensive things. Even if I learn to save money I don't get paid for any days off that I take so...
All the kids I have been doing things for are getting older and we spend less time together. Clayton and I used to do things all the time together. Now he has been married for a few years, lives in Arlington, Ohio and I see him a few times a year. Occasionally I will get a snapchat from him but that is about all. Philip is in college and works, Matthew lives on campus now. When we play games sometimes it is like pulling teeth to get Anna to play. I'm just not needed as much anymore. It is really hard to admit that. I know that being needed isn't what should define me or my legacy but it still hurts.
Last night I cried out to God to show me a reason to fight. A reason to want to get healthy. A legacy that I can provide. I told Him that I know He should be all I need but that is hard for me to do.
Today, as I am writing this, I keep "hearing" a "still small voice" in my head telling me to just lose the weight and trust. That there is something wonderful waiting for me and that it will be worth the fight. Now, if I can just listen and obey.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your love. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for allowing each one of us to vent, cry, feel sorry for ourselves, question our purpose. Thank you for just being you. Thank you for the "still small voice" that You are speaking to me today. Please help me to listen. But not to just listen but to heed the voice. Help me to trust that You have something bigger, better and more beautiful waiting for me. Help me to stop being in my head and to get into your word. Lord, I am scared, I am frustrated, I am angry. Help me to let those feelings go and to learn from them and to start living a life that is pleasing to you. A life that will direct others to your love, your legacy and your salvation. In Jesus' name, Amen
Philipians 4:13 - I can do all this through him who gives me strength (NIV)
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."
Now how does this relate to me and why did I struggle so much after watching? Anorexia is a much more severe eating disorder than obesity but in some ways they have a lot in common. Both have to do with emotions, both have to do with control. Watching this character (the actress actually looked anorexic) not want to fight for her life made me stop and ask myself why I'm doing the same thing to the other extreme?
I have "been" on a program called RealAppeal for the last 9 months. This is a FREE program through my insurance company. It gave me the scales, measuring cups, smoothie mixer, books, recipes, weekly meetings and computer information to lose the weight. I should be down 100 lbs by now. I have not lost anything. I fluctuate between 440-455.
So in my thinking and the way my mind works I am trying to figure out what my reasoning is to lose this weight. I have not children of my own, I have never been married or even on a date, no one ever comes over to my apartment, I work at a great company but am not doing anything there to make a difference, every time I try to help someone in need it goes no where. I just don't know why I should lose the weight and try to be around another 30 years. Especially if I lose the weight I will need to have skin removal surgery and I don't have the time or the money for that expensive things. Even if I learn to save money I don't get paid for any days off that I take so...
All the kids I have been doing things for are getting older and we spend less time together. Clayton and I used to do things all the time together. Now he has been married for a few years, lives in Arlington, Ohio and I see him a few times a year. Occasionally I will get a snapchat from him but that is about all. Philip is in college and works, Matthew lives on campus now. When we play games sometimes it is like pulling teeth to get Anna to play. I'm just not needed as much anymore. It is really hard to admit that. I know that being needed isn't what should define me or my legacy but it still hurts.
Last night I cried out to God to show me a reason to fight. A reason to want to get healthy. A legacy that I can provide. I told Him that I know He should be all I need but that is hard for me to do.
Today, as I am writing this, I keep "hearing" a "still small voice" in my head telling me to just lose the weight and trust. That there is something wonderful waiting for me and that it will be worth the fight. Now, if I can just listen and obey.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your love. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for allowing each one of us to vent, cry, feel sorry for ourselves, question our purpose. Thank you for just being you. Thank you for the "still small voice" that You are speaking to me today. Please help me to listen. But not to just listen but to heed the voice. Help me to trust that You have something bigger, better and more beautiful waiting for me. Help me to stop being in my head and to get into your word. Lord, I am scared, I am frustrated, I am angry. Help me to let those feelings go and to learn from them and to start living a life that is pleasing to you. A life that will direct others to your love, your legacy and your salvation. In Jesus' name, Amen
Philipians 4:13 - I can do all this through him who gives me strength (NIV)
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."
Thursday, June 15, 2017
Wow, it's been almost a year since I last posted. I wish I could do this more often but I just get so easily sidetracked.
So, my 50th birthday finally arrived 4 days ago. For two years I had planned and dreamed of going to a dude ranch out west. My goal was to lose 200 lbs and to be able to enjoy things that I had never dreamt I would do. I have since gained weight. I now weigh over 440lbs. I struggle with walking, standing and doing so much more. I hate who I have let myself become. There is no excuse. I remet my dad last year and that is going great!!! I have so many people who love me. I am otherwise healthy. I have a great job. And most importantly I have a God who loves me more than anything.
So, why am I still this obese? Why do I continue to stick to my victim mentality and laziness? What needs to happen to get me off my backside and get working on becoming the person that God wants me to be?
Let me tell you about how my 50th birthday actually went. I have been in the process of buying a little house since April. Things have hit a big snag but that is for a later post.
I got up Sunday morning and was actually happy it was my birthday even though I had accomplished nothing that I wanted originally. I went to church and received several birthday greetings. We then went to Texas Roadhouse so I could get my "Dude Ranch" "experience". It was a small group, Polly, Tim, Micah, Phil, Sue, Ryan, Joshlyn and Andrew. We had a great time.
I showed up to Bible Study at 5:30 like normal. We started to eat about 10 minutes later. Then the doorbell at Polly & Tim's rang. Polly said it was Philip for me. I figured he must have bought me some balloons or something so I cautiously opened the door. There before me was around 30 people who had come to celebrate my birthday!!! One by one they came in the door. People that I hadn't seen in a long time. All to share my birthday. Polly had arranged it for me and I had NO CLUE!!! To say the tears flowed is an understatement. There ultimately was around 52 people with a few others that couldn't make it sending cards. A beautiful cake made by Sheri Finley was displayed. Tim hung a birthday present pinata on the basketball hoop outside. Yep, I was blindfolded and spun in a circle.
I finally got home at 10:30 Sunday evening. Words will never be able to describe what an amazing night it turned out to be.
Yesterday we got to celebrate Micah's 12th birthday. Just a few of us eating dinner and playing games. After dinner Philip gave me a hard bound book that all of the 18 nieces and nephews had made for me. Each page was dedicated to one child and they had either written something to me or the mom had said/written something. It is the most beautiful gift I think I have ever received.
What has made me want to write this post is because of that book. As I turned the pages the notes became more detailed. Reading them made me stop and wonder who they were writing about. Because, I don't see myself as a Godly example that they talk about. I don't see myself as someone they should look up to. I see myself as an overweight, lazy, selfish person who hasn't truly given her whole self to God because of the fear of what He will ask me to do.
I want to be the person that these young people can truly look up to. Not because I want the attention and love but because it is what God has called me to be. He has not given me children of my own but he has surrounded me with so many young people. I not only have an opportunity but I have a responsibility to lead by example. Sometimes even more so than even a parent because a child will sometimes struggle with a parent/child relationship but an adult that is close to them will be watched and may have a different influence that the child will respond to.
Lord, help me to be the woman that these young people think I am. Help me to see that I am not just the overweight, lazy, selfish person that I see. Help me to open my eyes to what others see and not just the negative. Lord there has to be something in me for those children to write what they did. Show me. Not so that I can become conceited but so that I can be an example of what it means to truly live for You. I thank you Lord for each and everyone of those children. I am blessed beyond measure. Help me to remember that. To know that I am loved and that what I see in myself is not what you made me to be. Help me to know that if I want to be the woman they see then I can be. One step at a time, I can be that Godly example. In Jesus' name, Amen
So, my 50th birthday finally arrived 4 days ago. For two years I had planned and dreamed of going to a dude ranch out west. My goal was to lose 200 lbs and to be able to enjoy things that I had never dreamt I would do. I have since gained weight. I now weigh over 440lbs. I struggle with walking, standing and doing so much more. I hate who I have let myself become. There is no excuse. I remet my dad last year and that is going great!!! I have so many people who love me. I am otherwise healthy. I have a great job. And most importantly I have a God who loves me more than anything.
So, why am I still this obese? Why do I continue to stick to my victim mentality and laziness? What needs to happen to get me off my backside and get working on becoming the person that God wants me to be?
Let me tell you about how my 50th birthday actually went. I have been in the process of buying a little house since April. Things have hit a big snag but that is for a later post.
I got up Sunday morning and was actually happy it was my birthday even though I had accomplished nothing that I wanted originally. I went to church and received several birthday greetings. We then went to Texas Roadhouse so I could get my "Dude Ranch" "experience". It was a small group, Polly, Tim, Micah, Phil, Sue, Ryan, Joshlyn and Andrew. We had a great time.
I showed up to Bible Study at 5:30 like normal. We started to eat about 10 minutes later. Then the doorbell at Polly & Tim's rang. Polly said it was Philip for me. I figured he must have bought me some balloons or something so I cautiously opened the door. There before me was around 30 people who had come to celebrate my birthday!!! One by one they came in the door. People that I hadn't seen in a long time. All to share my birthday. Polly had arranged it for me and I had NO CLUE!!! To say the tears flowed is an understatement. There ultimately was around 52 people with a few others that couldn't make it sending cards. A beautiful cake made by Sheri Finley was displayed. Tim hung a birthday present pinata on the basketball hoop outside. Yep, I was blindfolded and spun in a circle.
I finally got home at 10:30 Sunday evening. Words will never be able to describe what an amazing night it turned out to be.
Yesterday we got to celebrate Micah's 12th birthday. Just a few of us eating dinner and playing games. After dinner Philip gave me a hard bound book that all of the 18 nieces and nephews had made for me. Each page was dedicated to one child and they had either written something to me or the mom had said/written something. It is the most beautiful gift I think I have ever received.
What has made me want to write this post is because of that book. As I turned the pages the notes became more detailed. Reading them made me stop and wonder who they were writing about. Because, I don't see myself as a Godly example that they talk about. I don't see myself as someone they should look up to. I see myself as an overweight, lazy, selfish person who hasn't truly given her whole self to God because of the fear of what He will ask me to do.
I want to be the person that these young people can truly look up to. Not because I want the attention and love but because it is what God has called me to be. He has not given me children of my own but he has surrounded me with so many young people. I not only have an opportunity but I have a responsibility to lead by example. Sometimes even more so than even a parent because a child will sometimes struggle with a parent/child relationship but an adult that is close to them will be watched and may have a different influence that the child will respond to.
Lord, help me to be the woman that these young people think I am. Help me to see that I am not just the overweight, lazy, selfish person that I see. Help me to open my eyes to what others see and not just the negative. Lord there has to be something in me for those children to write what they did. Show me. Not so that I can become conceited but so that I can be an example of what it means to truly live for You. I thank you Lord for each and everyone of those children. I am blessed beyond measure. Help me to remember that. To know that I am loved and that what I see in myself is not what you made me to be. Help me to know that if I want to be the woman they see then I can be. One step at a time, I can be that Godly example. In Jesus' name, Amen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)