That time of year...

     Wow, it is, once again, that time of year.  In 4 days I will be celebrating another birthday.  This one is bringing me even closer to that mid-century mark.  47 sounds so scary.  Just yesterday I was 20 years old.  Today I'm celebrating Ryan Ott's graduation from High School.  I remember when his mom didn't think she would ever have any more children after Mike.  Next year, Philip and Amber will be graduating and in about 7 weeks or so, Clayton will be getting married.
     I had great plans earlier this year to get a lot of weight off in time for Clayton's wedding.  I weighed myself on Wednesday and I am 1 pound less than my heaviest that I have ever been.  435 lbs.  There are Middle Linebackers on professional football teams that weigh less than me.  (and they are much taller as well).  I am struggling in a lot of area's physically.  I meet with Brandon every week and I am so thankful. (He is a grad student at OSU in Psychology).  We talk about a lot of stuff and he has helped me tremendously but I AM STILL OVER EATING, GAINING WEIGHT AND NOT EVEN TRYING.  I don't know what God has to do to get me to change.  I don't want Him to have me end up in the hospital.  I want to change.  I want to be able to walk down to the mailbox, I want to sit in the seats at the high school when Philip and Matthew have a performance.  I want to do so many things.  There is a whole world out there and I can't do any of it right now because I am so overweight that I can hardly move. 
     I wanted to participate in the Relay for Life this year.  (I think that was in an earlier post) but I can't even take a shower without being in pain.  There is no way I can walk around the track even one time. 
     These last 5 years have been the most challenging of my life.  2009 was the year when mom started getting really bad and Penny was diagnosed with cancer.  Dan basically stopped talking to mom and me except on occasion.  Mom then tried to take her life that September.  She didn't succeed but she passed away 4 months later.  I also hurt my shoulder in December of 2008 so my working out was slowing down as well.  Then I hurt my Achilles in 2009.  In January of 2010 was when Grandma died.  She was 101 but still I felt guilty about that because I never got down to see her.  Then Penny died in February of 2010.  Then I had Achilles surgery in March of 2010 and quit my job at the Athletic Club after 13 1/2 years.  Then Brandy (my favorite cat - don't tell Sami), died that same month.  Then I started having trouble paying my mortgage.  Now, if I hadn't eaten out all the time and tried to do better on managing the money God was giving me, I probably could have afforded the home but that is another area that I struggle with (besides food).  So for the next few years I struggled with paying my bills, dealing with Penny's death, the guilt from Grandma's death and the severe guilt of mom's suicide attempt and finally death.  I know I could have been a better daughter.  Especially towards the end.  I only did things for her because it was my "job" as her daughter and didn't hesitate to let her know.  She told the hospital person the reason she tried to kill herself was because I wouldn't let her hug me and I wouldn't tell her I love her.  Then when she passed away, I felt sadness but I also felt relief that the whole having to take care of her was over.  She was very dependent on me and had pretty much pushed others away.  There was not a day that went by in the last few years that she didn't call me to stop and get her a tea or a pack of cigarettes (even though she was on oxygen full time).  I struggle so much, to this day, with the guilt of feeling relief.  I should miss her terribly but the way she was the last few years, especially, was not good.  It was so hard to watch. 
     So, in 2013 I filed Bankruptcy because of my house going into foreclosure.  I did not want to be like mom and Danny with finances and yet, here I was, filing bankruptcy.  Then we got a new Director of Catering at work and she made sure that no matter what I did she was watching me.  She even told me at one point that I needed to stop helping others so much because they needed to make mistakes so they could learn.  I was told to take the rest of a Friday off and go to the river and journal because I was so upset by having her watching everything I did.  Well, I had good reason.  On October 29th of 2013 I was called to the HR Director's office and told that I had not followed up on a Direct Bill application and since that could have cost the company money and all the "other little things" they had talked to me about that I was being fired. 
     The Friday before that Phil fell and broke his hip.  That Saturday I moved into an apartment and prepared to turn my house over to the bank.  That Sunday there was an all church meeting at Immanuel and basically I officially left Immanuel. There was a lot of lies being told about people and a lot of them originated at the top so I couldn't continue to worship there.  So, in 5 days my whole world turned upside down. 
     I found a temp job and am currently finishing up there after 6 months with no prospects of another job.  I had to cash out my 401K and roll most of it into an IRA but took $3,000 to catch up on some bills.  I totaled my car in May of 2013 as well.  Bought a clunker and had to get a new car in January of 2014.  I felt guilty telling the people at the dealership that it was too expensive of a car so I bought it anyway.  Between that and the insurance going up over $50/month I couldn't keep up with my bills again.
     So, I know I have left some things out and I know that God has been carrying me in a lot of these situations (other wise I don't think I would have made it) but I am still turning to food and still feeling sorry for myself.  It is such a struggle, especially when I hurt the way I do.  I look around at my apartment and just see a mess.  Boxes on a chair, junk everywhere.  And instead of working through the pain I just sit down and play on the computer. 
     In so many ways I know that I am growing.  I talk more about God and my faith but I need to show it as well!!!! 
     Dear Heavenly Father,
     Thank you for loving me.  Even when I continually make these choices that are so against what You want for me.  Thank you for carrying me through these last 5 years, and the many before.  I do love You and I know that You are growing me through all of this.  I just pray that starting right now, my choices will be honoring to you.  That I will stop thinking of myself and all of my earthly disappointments and focus on what You have done for me and will continue to do for me if I only let you.  Thank you for Pastor Travis and his Biblical messages!!  Thank you for the challenges that he gives.  Thank you for the fiction books that I read that You use to touch me.  Please help me to crave your word even more than anything.  Please help me to know that this weight issue can be used for good.  Lord, I don't want to stay this heavy.  I want to be able to do things with the kids, I want to have a healthy relationship with people, and if You are willing, a Godly man I can call my husband.  And I know that the only way I am going to do this is by looking at you only and not on myself. 
Thank you again for loving me.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Core Belief...

One of the things I am working on is my core beliefs.  The main one right now is that I am a failure.  I struggle with finding the things I do well.  I am supposed to write down even the little successes.  Today was not one of the success days.
There are times at work that I am struggling to find things to do and then all of the sudden I have too much that has to be done in the same amount of time.  Well, last night and this morning were the days when there is too much that has to be done.  I had to get multiple quotes to Honda before lunch time.  Well, I sent them to the Honda contact and then remembered that I didn't remove an internal sheet before I hit send.  Tony was very upset.  Then, later in the day he asked me for something and we just don't communicate well.  I was so frustrated and he was frustrated.  I just don't know how to change it.  I truly don't want to be doing this job and haven't wanted to for awhile but I want to fulfill my commitment and I am thankful for a job.  I am just so afraid that doing anything wrong will cause me to lose my job again before I have something else lined up.
Then, I went to the Grove City band concert tonight and couldn't fit in the seats.  It was so embarrassing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
So, there you go, the failure thoughts are far out weighing the successful thoughts today. Tomorrow is another day.
Thanks for any prayers.
Karen

Pennys for Penny

On this day, 4 years ago, Penny went to her eternal home.  I still miss her so much.  There are still days that I feel like I can just give her a call. 
One of the things that I wanted to do 4 years ago was raise money for Cancer research through Relay for Life.  I started something but Dustin really had a fit and didn't want me to do something without his okay.  I have always wanted to do something each year since but was afraid of what his and others reactions would be.  Well, today, I signed up a team for Relay for Life Grove City.  The event is June 28th.  138 days from now.  I really hope that people will get on board but if not, I am still going to do it.
I start tonight by walking in my apartment for 5-10 minutes.  I will try to do more and more each day.  I will also see if people who want to walk with me on Sunday's before Bible Study will meet at Polly's and start walking.  I plan to be able to walk around the track 6-8 times that day.
If you are reading this I have 3 favors:
1. PLEASE PRAY - the most important request.
2. If you are interested in walking on the team just let me know and we can create a training schedule
3. If you can't be on the team but want to donate I will share the link and you can donate there.


Thank you and God Bless!

Karen

Every day? Okay, every few days...

So, I have missed a few days.  I had a really good one from Sunday.  My 11 year old niece, Anna!!!  She is an amazing young lady.  I am so excited that for some reason she wants to be around me whenever we are together.  What a positive blessing she is!!

Monday was Monday but I am thankful about my meetings at OSU and my Behavioral Health meetings.  I am looking forward to them helping me to become more of the person that God wants me to be even though they work with me on my spiritual beliefs. 

Tuesday the positive was that things that went pretty good at work and that I was able to be at home last night.

Today, wow, trying to sort out my feelings on today.   Today is the 12th anniversary of the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks and the crash of flight 23 in Pennsylvania.  Not a year goes by that I, along with everyone else in America, doesn't remember where they were and what they were doing on this day in 2001. 

Today, I also got to volunteer at the Ronald McDonald House.  It is a positive that there is a safe place for families to live while they are here for the extended treatment of their sick child.  Emotionally, it was hard to think about them being here for that same reason.  Positively I am blessed to have 16 healthy "nieces" and "nephews" and that I don't remember ever having to go there for myself.

I also found out that I did get the apartment on Broadway.  This is another area that I am struggling with.  The positive is that the apartment is only $595/month, I don't have a neighbor below me, the neighbor beside me only has a laundry wall connecting, it is right by Beulah Park so I can still have people over for the Fourth of July.

The part I am struggling with is that I feel like I am 46 years old, single and make decent money and yet I am losing my house to foreclosure, I filed bankruptcy earlier this year, my "new" car is still overheating and getting worse and the transmission slips.  It just seems that I should not have financial problems.  But I spend all my money on eating out because I am too big to cook in the kitchen and my refrigerator is broke so I only have a small one.  Also, I am having to go from a 1230 sq ft house with a garage to a 700 sq ft apartment with no garage and very little storage.  It just seems like I am going backwards. 

I know I am blessed.  I know that God has given me ample opportunity and the thing I need to make these changes.  I just have to focus on the positives and stop spending the money that God has blessed me with.  In a year or two I will then be able to buy a small home and go from there.

Okay, so, pondering the positives is a struggle but I know they are there so I will try.  Thanks for listening (reading).

God bless,
Karen

I am changing the title of my blog. Welcome to Pondering the Positive!!!

So, I wrote in my previous blog about the program at OSU.  I joined that program in late June or early July.  I have not been successful yet.  Each week I go in and wonder how much weight I have gained.  Not lost.  Not very productive.  One of the things that I am asked every week is to tell them one positive thing that happened the past week. 

Now, that should be an easy question.  But, you are talking to the negative person who only sees the bad and not the good.  So, I have decided that each day I will type at least 1 positive thing that has happened to me that day.  If it is more, that will be great but some times it may only be one.  So, they will probably be short posts but here is my first ones.

1. - I got out of bed
2. - I was able to work at the Otterbein game again
3. - I didn't eat the City BBQ at the game because I had just eaten.  BIG THING FOR ME!!!
4. - I was able to walk to Clements Center, make copies, walk some to the visitors coaches and still get back to my car.  I was exhausted but I did it!!!
5. - On my way up to the chiropractor I was feeling very sorry for myself.  I then realized that with where I am at now, I have an amazing opportunity to be a Godly example to the young people in my life.  Instead of dwelling on the negative, I started looking at the positive and the result starts with this blog.

So, I am sure there are more but for now those are the ones to get started.

Lord, thank you for the positive things in my life!!!  I know that I overlook them and only focus on the negative so I just pray that you will help me to continue to log my positive things and I will really be able to see how blessed I am.  Love you - In Jesus' Name, Amen.

46? Where did that come from?

When you are young you think that 30 is old.  When you are 20 you think that 50 is old.  When you are almost 46 you are stunned to see you are almost there.  There is no way I will be 46 in 12 days.  Just not possible.  Yet, that is what is happening.  Where have the 46 years gone?  Just yesterday I was a carefree little girl playing with my Barbies.  Looking back, things have happened in my life that have not been the best.  My dads promises and then leaving probably is one of the most traumatic.  I don't know if I have posted this before but when I was 10 my babysitters teenager also molested me several times.  I was truly unhappy.  I missed my dad, I missed my mom even though she was there physically.  I started acting like a spoiled brat.  I was hurting and the only way I knew how to deal with it was to act out.  I didn't get involved in drinking, I didn't get involved in drugs, I didn't get involved with sleeping around but I got so angry.  I was mean to my mom, I cried to get my way, I tried to make people like me but didn't care that I was hurting my mom.  Was I doing it because I was blaming her for my dad leaving and for her shutting down?  I don't know.  I just know that I did not like myself back them.  I was "fat", I didn't take care of myself cleanwise, back then the clothes for "fat" kids were terrible and I always felt ugly. 
I am still struggling 46 years into my life.  I have a good job but there have been so many changes and the style of the new people is making me feel so insecure again.  I was doing well and then these changes happened.  I don't trust my ability to do a good job.  Even when I get all my work done I am constantly wondering what the next problem will be?   I feel like I am under a microscope.  One of my friends told me to just try to take the "direction" I am getting from my new "leaders" as what they are meant to be, growth opportunities.  It is not easy and I don't feel like they are trying to help me.  I am at the top of the paygrade for my department.  I don't have anything in common with my co-workers.  I feel like they are trying to get me to leave.  See, the paranoia is there all the time. 
So, what do I need to do?  I need to CHANGE MY THINKING.  Yes, I may need to find another job.  We will see.  I just had to get a "new" used car, I am getting ready to move so this is the next step. 
Right now I want to go get icecream or something to eat.  I am stressed just to be writing this and I want to turn to food. 
The way I could get this started is by joining the program at OSU.  I have some money left from the car.  I need to make sure my car doesn't need work but then I will join this program.  We will see how it goes.
Thanks for any prayers.

Clayton's Wedding?

Just typing that title makes me feel really old!!!!  Clayton is not old enough to get married.  If you don't know who Clayton is then you have missed out.  He is my oldest "nephew" and my fellow Steeler fan.  I have known his mom since she was 14 years old and held Clayton in the hospital when he was only a few hours old.

Now he is dating a wonderful young lady named Rachel.  They are both in their very early 20's so I guess they are old enough to talk marriage.  Clayton has mentioned that he would like to get married in August of 2014.  That is 17 months away.  Now, I know in most of my posts lately I have talked about goals and dreams and stuff.  I am still struggling with these areas.  This, however, does give me a reason to want to try to lose the weight.  It also gives me a goal date.  17 months is just about the right amount of time for me to lose the weight I need to be healthy.  I would love to be able to have one of his brother's walk escort me down to the family section and feel good about how I looked and also because I was able to walk without pain. 

So, I will try to keep you updated and if you can tell me how the time passed so quickly I would really appreciate it.