Wow, I am not even sure where to begin. If you have been reading this blog then you know that one of the main reasons I have struggled with my weight is because my mom and I have been co-dependent together. I have written several times about the emotional struggles that we have had. Well, I wondered after she attempted to take her life in September why she wasn't successful if she was just going to continue to be sick and struggle. I think I have figured a part of it out. Our relationship has been a struggle for my entire life. I blamed her for so many things in my life. This was not fair to her but it is what happened. I have been taking care of her with a bad attitude. Well, the last 4 months we have had an opportunity to work on our relationship. I was able to tell her I loved her several times and we were finally able to talk about some things. Well, I think the reason that she survived the overdose was so that we can make our relationship better. Unfortunately, we only had the 3 months. I checked on her on Tuesday, December 15th and she was playing on the computer and ate a sub I brought. At 11:45pm that night I got a call from the care center telling me that she had pushed her alert button because she was having trouble breathing again. I was pretty mad at her for waiting until so late at night to make the call. I got up, got dressed and by the time I got to her house which is 5 minutes from me, she was in full cardiac arrest. The paramedics were doing CPR but they were unable to get a pulse. They rushed her to the hospital and the doctor's got a pulse for a few minutes but the doctor told me it looked bad. Phil and Sue Miller came to be with me that night and they will never know how much that meant to me. Also, a friend from high school was working in the ER that night too and he came in the room. The doctor came in a few minutes later and told me that he had done everything he could but he was unable to save my mom. My mom passed away almost 3 months to the day that she had attempted to take her life.
As it snows outside I feel such a sense of aloneness but yet a sense of relief. Aloneness because she is basically the only one who calls me on the phone. I am not much of a phone person but if we didn't talk everyday I would be concerned. The relief comes in a few forms. One is that I was not looking forward to figuring out how to handle the winter. She would have basically be housebound and that would have made her depression so much worse. She doesn't have to worry about that now. She would have relyed on me so much more and it was already hard to keep up with her needs and all the things that I have to do.
There is also fear on my part. Fear that if something ever happens to me who will know my wishes, will there be anyone who will be willing to go through all my stuff. When I have a hard time with losing my mom will I have anyone who will be there just to hold me? Also, as I have mentioned earlier, we were both co-dependents. Now my "excuse" for not losing weight, for not saving money, for all the things that I blamed my mom on is not there. Will I be able to make the changes that are needed? I am really struggling with the right side of my body. It hurts from the shoulder all the way down to my leg. When I sit for even a short period of time I have a hard time standing and then walking. It takes a few minutes to be able to walk. It scares me. I don't want to end up in a wheelchair and with a shortened life like my mom had.
I just ask for prayer as I transition through this new chapter in my life. As I said earlier, 2009 has not been a good year. I am praying that 2010 is a good year and that the changes needed to live a life that glorifies God will take place.
God Bless,
Karen
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Yoga, the Biggest Loser and Stress
Wow, as I mentioned in my post about being Thankful this has not been a good year in a lot of aspects. It seems that it is going to end even more stressful than it even began. As I write this mom is still in the hospital after 5 days with COPD. This is the 5th time since August that she has spent time in the hospital for breathing or her CHF and 2 weeks in the hospital for her overdose.
Also, I spoke with my friend Penny tonight and things are not going good for her either. The doctor is worried that there are problems with her small intestines now. She may have to go on the Chemo that the doctor talked about which could have some nasty side effects and there is no guarantee that it will stop the cancer growth. (This is purly speculation on my part and nothing is set in stone, God could be working right now on healing the problem and she could be fine in a few days.)
I had lost over 107 pounds last year and this year I have put on 56 pounds from a combination of stress and stubbornness. I am having shoulder pain that has been here since December 20th and they can't figure out what is going on with it, I am now having middle back pain that is getting worse by the day and leg pain. Most of this is on my right side only. It is very frustrating.
I spent $75 to join the Biggest Loser at the gym and have only been able to make it to about 5 classes and the contest ends next week. I have actually gained 5 pounds.
And there has still been no reconcilation between my brother's wife and my mom and me. My brother still has to sneak to call my mom and has not visited my mom or me in over 1 1/2 years and he only lives an hour away. It is very sad.
They cut our hours again at work for this month and it is a 5 week month so I will lose 25 hours of pay. I am already struggling with paying my bills.
So you see, that covers a lot of the stress part of this post. Please pray for these situations. It is very frustrating to know that God is trying to help me in some of this stuff and asking me to trust Him in others and yet I continue to push Him away or think I can do and handle all this on my own. I have even started seeing a counselor and haven't done a lot of what she has asked me to do.
Okay, so onto the yoga and the Biggest Loser. I just watched the season finale of the Biggest Loser. The weight losses were amazing!!!! Everyone looked so good. There was another marriage proposal tonight between two contestants. It was pretty great. It inspired me to pledge to lose 50 pounds to help the food pantry in Grove City. So off I go to get my Biggest Loser Yoga video that I bought 3 weeks ago and hadn't opened. It is 10:15pm when I finally put it in and think I will be able to do the beginners workout. Well, I couldn't even make it past the warmups. There is a lot of kneeling on the knees and as I posted earlier I have bad knees so... Some of the exercises seem impossible for me. So I watched for a little while to see what some of them were and how to do them. Next time I will try a few of them and then maybe I will eventually be able to finish the beginners and move onto the next level.
Well, thanks for listening. Not sure how many of you are out there since I tend to be negative in my posts, I would have a hard time continuing to follow this blog if it were someone else's but I hope to look back and read these entries and see that I am a different person then the one writing them now.
Though things are stressful right now and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight I am going to do my best to have an amazing Christmas because that is the time to celebrate Christ's birth and without Him I know that I would never survive all this stuff going on. And I will survive it and come out a stronger woman and Christian when this part of the journey settles down.
May God bless each and every one of you.
In Christ,
Karen
Also, I spoke with my friend Penny tonight and things are not going good for her either. The doctor is worried that there are problems with her small intestines now. She may have to go on the Chemo that the doctor talked about which could have some nasty side effects and there is no guarantee that it will stop the cancer growth. (This is purly speculation on my part and nothing is set in stone, God could be working right now on healing the problem and she could be fine in a few days.)
I had lost over 107 pounds last year and this year I have put on 56 pounds from a combination of stress and stubbornness. I am having shoulder pain that has been here since December 20th and they can't figure out what is going on with it, I am now having middle back pain that is getting worse by the day and leg pain. Most of this is on my right side only. It is very frustrating.
I spent $75 to join the Biggest Loser at the gym and have only been able to make it to about 5 classes and the contest ends next week. I have actually gained 5 pounds.
And there has still been no reconcilation between my brother's wife and my mom and me. My brother still has to sneak to call my mom and has not visited my mom or me in over 1 1/2 years and he only lives an hour away. It is very sad.
They cut our hours again at work for this month and it is a 5 week month so I will lose 25 hours of pay. I am already struggling with paying my bills.
So you see, that covers a lot of the stress part of this post. Please pray for these situations. It is very frustrating to know that God is trying to help me in some of this stuff and asking me to trust Him in others and yet I continue to push Him away or think I can do and handle all this on my own. I have even started seeing a counselor and haven't done a lot of what she has asked me to do.
Okay, so onto the yoga and the Biggest Loser. I just watched the season finale of the Biggest Loser. The weight losses were amazing!!!! Everyone looked so good. There was another marriage proposal tonight between two contestants. It was pretty great. It inspired me to pledge to lose 50 pounds to help the food pantry in Grove City. So off I go to get my Biggest Loser Yoga video that I bought 3 weeks ago and hadn't opened. It is 10:15pm when I finally put it in and think I will be able to do the beginners workout. Well, I couldn't even make it past the warmups. There is a lot of kneeling on the knees and as I posted earlier I have bad knees so... Some of the exercises seem impossible for me. So I watched for a little while to see what some of them were and how to do them. Next time I will try a few of them and then maybe I will eventually be able to finish the beginners and move onto the next level.
Well, thanks for listening. Not sure how many of you are out there since I tend to be negative in my posts, I would have a hard time continuing to follow this blog if it were someone else's but I hope to look back and read these entries and see that I am a different person then the one writing them now.
Though things are stressful right now and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight I am going to do my best to have an amazing Christmas because that is the time to celebrate Christ's birth and without Him I know that I would never survive all this stuff going on. And I will survive it and come out a stronger woman and Christian when this part of the journey settles down.
May God bless each and every one of you.
In Christ,
Karen
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