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76 Days and a High School Auditorium Chair

May 10, 2018.  What significance does that day have?  Well, Anna has her spring band concert that night.  That is 76 days from the day I am writing this post.

Okay, so what does that matter?  Well, last night I went to Anna's winter band concert and couldn't fit in the chair.  I sat out in the cafeteria for the first 3 bands then squished myself partially into a chair in the auditorium for her 3 songs and then left.  By the time her songs were finished my right foot and leg were asleep and my upper legs were sore.  Not only was this painful but it was humiliating!!!

I weighed myself on Wednesday morning for my program that I am on (not really) and weighed 451.2 pounds.  When I went home last night I weighed 461.3.  I gained 10 pounds in one day.  I am retaining a lot of water right now and am worried about that but still, no matter what the cause, I am still grotesquely obese.  Something has to change.

So, for my first goal I have 76 days to safely lose enough weight to fit b…
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Legacy - What's Mine

Chicago Med was on last night.  It is a show that follows the doctors at a hospital in Chicago (go figure?)  The episode last night had me really struggling.  There was a patient that was brought in because she had been struggling with Anorexia.  She had been fighting the disorder for 15 years.  At one point the Psychologist talked her into having a feeding tube put in her nose with 3000 calories of food.  As soon as the food started to go through the tube she pulled it out and refused to have the treatment.  She had had enough.  She died a few hours later.

Now how does this relate to me and why did I struggle so much after watching?  Anorexia is a much more severe eating disorder than obesity but in some ways they have a lot in common.  Both have to do with emotions, both have to do with control.  Watching this character (the actress actually looked anorexic) not want to fight for her life made me stop and ask myself why I'm doing the same thing to the other extreme?

I have &quo…
Wow, it's been almost a year since I last posted.   I wish I could do this more often but I just get so easily sidetracked.

So, my 50th birthday finally arrived 4 days ago.  For two years I had planned and dreamed of going to a dude ranch out west.  My goal was to lose 200 lbs and to be able to enjoy things that I had never dreamt I would do.  I have since gained weight.  I now weigh over 440lbs.  I struggle with walking, standing and doing so much more.  I hate who I have let myself become.  There is no excuse.  I remet my dad last year and that is going great!!!  I have so many people who love me.  I am otherwise healthy.  I have a great job.  And most importantly I have a God who loves me more than anything.

So, why am I still this obese?  Why do I continue to stick to my victim mentality and laziness?  What needs to happen to get me off my backside and get working on becoming the person that God wants me to be?

Let me tell you about how my 50th birthday actually went.  I ha…

A prayer answered - Where to go from here?

I haven't written about this because I didn't even know how to write it.  I didn't know my feelings.  I didn't know what to say.

As you have read in earlier blog posts my parents were separated when I was 7 months old and divorced when I was 1 1/2.  I saw my dad on and off until I was 8.  At that time he came up to visit at Christmas.  We took him to a small airport not too far from my house as he was learning to fly.  He promised that he would call and send cards and see us as often as possible.  That never happened.

Every day after school I would rush home to check the mail to see if the letter came.  Every birthday and holiday I would wait to see if the present came or the call came to wish me whatever it happened to be.  It never happened.

A few months ago his name appeared on Facebook and since my cousin had friended him I thought I would as well.  I never posted anything or said anything to him as I wasn't convinced it was him.  On my birthday the first mess…

Regrets

Regrets, Webster defines it as: a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.

I hate that word.  It should be a word that is not allowed to be spoken or felt.  Yesterday I NEEDED to call my brother.  I was driving to the city to get some permits and I was in tears because we hardly ever talk.  It was just something that I had to do.  Last night I was able to call him and he actually answered his phone.  We only talked for a few minutes but it was so nice to hear his voice.

Today I was going over to drop off Mikayla's present for Phil and Sue to take to Georgia tomorrow and I drove down Alkire.  I came to the bridge.  It went from a bridge that 2 cars could barely get through at the same time to a bridge that is so big they could probably bring a ferris wheel through.  It reminded me that mom never got to see that.  We went through that old bridge hundreds of times.  She would have laughed at the new bridge.  It was done several ye…

Netflix and Sin

Strange title I know.  Sometimes my brain works in weird ways.  
I was introduced to Netflix in late summer or early fall of 2015.  I have watched A LOT of tv shows.  I enjoy the fact that most of them have the entire seasons available so I can just keep watching. 
I have recently finished watching a series on there that was really good.  What I find I do when I watch a show is get fixated (for lack of a better word) on one of the actors.  What I then do is research that person on the World Wide Web.   What I found out about this particular actor actually surprised me.  I figured he was married with a few kids or had been in several relationships.  What I didn't expect to find is that he has struggled with depression most of his life.  He has tried to take his own life and finally "came out" in public not that long ago.  
This completely caught me off guard.  Not sure why.  In Hollywood you never know what you will find and a lot of what you read/hear is not real anyway.  T…

The power of words

I am sitting here at 12:16 in the morning on a Saturday night/Sunday morning.  Earlier today I went to see Anna play her flute for her middle school solo and ensemble contest.  Her grandparents, Annie and I were all waiting in the cafeteria for Anna's scores.  We were talking about a police officer who was shot and killed earlier last week.  Annie asked what had happened.  Sue started telling her and at one point I chimed in with a comment trying to add to the details of the story.  I guess it must have struck a nerve with Sue because she looked at me and said, "do you want to tell it?"  I said no. 

Now, that doesn't seem like it should be that life altering.  But, unfortunately, to me it was an affirmation that I am a know-it-all and busy-body.  NOW before you all go telling Sue I said this (even though at this point I am sure I am the only one who reads my blog).  I can tell you that was not her intention.  It is purely my insecurities coming out.  I want so bad t…