April 30, 2018 I changed my Instagram page name to Karens_Journey_to_Health. My goal was to bring you all along on my journey to losing weight and getting physically and mentally healthy. I was 443.6 pounds when I posted the first picture on the new journey. All excited and ready to go. Ready to inspire not only you all but myself as well.
Fast forward to April 30, 2020. I weigh 433ish pounds. (My scale needs a new battery so I am not sure of the actual weight but...). In two years I have lost 34 pounds from my "starting" weight (53 from my highest) and gained back 24 of those pounds. I have gone ANOTHER 2 years of watching life go by. Of missing out on activities. Of being able to take a bath instead of a shower. Of just living. And over that 2 years I have once again shown myself and others that I am all talk and no action.
I don't know why I am so disappointed in myself. It is the same old pattern over and over again. I get so excited about something and really think I'm going to do it this time and then all of the sudden 2 years have gone by and I am at the same place as I was before. Only this time the anger, frustration and disappointment are magnified. I am fighting the urge to just say I give up completely and to let whatever happens happen. There is a part of me that keeps saying that I am never going to lose this weight. I'm never going to accomplish any goal I set for myself so I might as well just eat what I want and who cares.
BUT there is still a part of me that wants to and knows that I can make the changes needed. I can accomplish those goals. I can live the life that God wants for me. And I know that as long as that part of me still exists there is still hope.
I don't doubt that God loves me and that He wants the best for me. I have seen too many times an answer to a prayer that sometimes I didn't even pray yet. But I do know that until I truly surrender my life to Him that I am going to continue to struggle.
These almost 53 years have been hard. I know that others have it harder than me and sometimes I struggle with that as well. But the years have been. So many disappointments and heartaches. So many losses and hurts. So much playing the victim card. I don't know what the next years entail. Only God knows that. But I just hope and pray that with God's help, I can prove to myself and others that I can accomplish something. That I am worth fighting for. That my journey to health can be just that. A journey to physical and emotional health. To break this pattern of repeated starts but no finishes.
God, thank you for the last 53 years. Thank you for all you have blessed me with. All the people in my life and the health you have given me. Thank you for loving me even when I try to be unlovable. Lord, I do ask that we can get this journey moving in the right direction and that you would help me to not stop this time. That you would be able to use the things I have done (or not done as the case may be) to show me that I can accomplish anything if it is your will and I truly try. Not just say I'm going to try, but actually put in the effort.
Lord, I love you and thank you for your Son. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Thursday, April 30, 2020
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
Crazy Times in 2020
What in the world is happening? This year was supposed to be filled with so many fun memories. New decade, new time in America.
Enter the Coronavirus. COVID-19. A highly contagious respiratory infection that has literally shut down the world. Not Grove City, not Columbus, not Ohio, not even the United States but the world. There are people dying from this virus. There are area's that stopped doing anything for months. We are on week 4 or 5 at this point. I have lost count.
I am considered an "essential" employee because I am the Office Manager for a plumbing company. There are so many who don't have jobs right now.
So, what does this post have to do with weight loss? Well, this time is really playing a huge part on my emotions. I have been eating a lot of unhealthy foods lately. Not in just small amounts but in large amounts. I ate 8 donuts in one sitting last week. 8!!!! That is just one of the examples. I am so frustrated with myself.
Today it kind of hit me as to why. I am struggling with guilt. Kind of like survivors guilt. I get to get up everyday at the same time. Go into an office and shut the door and basically stay away from most contact. I am not on the front lines. I am not a nurse, doctor or medical professional. I am not a first responder. I don't work for a restaurant or a grocery store. I can limit my contact with people.
Why do I get to still work when others who don't have control over their environment have to face this risk of this virus? Why do I get to still have a paycheck coming in when there are so many who are facing financial heartbreak?
No, I don't want this virus. No, I don't want to have to worry about finances. No, I don't want to have to give up the freedoms that I am still able to have. I so appreciate everything that I have and every opportunity that I have right now. I just don't know how to let go of this guilt that I'm experiencing.
Has my life been interrupted? Sure, I can't go to a restaurant and sit down to eat a meal. I can't order curbside pickup from Giant Eagle or Kroger and be able to pick it up tonight. (The wait is 4-5 days). I can't go to church on Sunday or Bible Study on Sunday nights. But so what. I still get to watch church on Sunday's via Facebook. I am alive, healthy (except my weight) and I have so much.
I don't know how to stop the guilt thoughts. I want to help people but physically I struggle with going to the store for myself let alone for others. I struggle with cleaning for myself so I know I would struggle with cleaning for others. The people who need the friends or companionship right now are the ones who are most susceptible to getting this virus. It stinks!!!
Heavenly Father,
Please end this virus or contain it soon. Please don't let us go back to "normal" as this time of self-isolation has allowed people to be still. It has also helped our world "clean" up a little. Smog is better, blue skies are shining for the first time in a long time in places like India and animals are learning how to relive in their environment. But help us to be able to get back to gathering as groups. Worshipping, spending time together. Help people who have lost jobs be able to work again. Lord, help us to know you are in control. Change hearts to help people make the decisions that are for the good of the people and not for their own gain.
And Lord, I ask that you would just help those of us who are kind of in the middle. We are considered essential but I am sure I am not the only one who feels it. Help us to not get lost in our, I don't even know the way to describe it, feelings of being needed but in the grand scheme of things, not really feeling like those who are truly essential. And finally Lord, I just ask that you would protect those who are on the front lines. Lord, give them the tools they need to stay safe and healthy. Give them the knowledge to be able to treat the people that need the help.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
Enter the Coronavirus. COVID-19. A highly contagious respiratory infection that has literally shut down the world. Not Grove City, not Columbus, not Ohio, not even the United States but the world. There are people dying from this virus. There are area's that stopped doing anything for months. We are on week 4 or 5 at this point. I have lost count.
I am considered an "essential" employee because I am the Office Manager for a plumbing company. There are so many who don't have jobs right now.
So, what does this post have to do with weight loss? Well, this time is really playing a huge part on my emotions. I have been eating a lot of unhealthy foods lately. Not in just small amounts but in large amounts. I ate 8 donuts in one sitting last week. 8!!!! That is just one of the examples. I am so frustrated with myself.
Today it kind of hit me as to why. I am struggling with guilt. Kind of like survivors guilt. I get to get up everyday at the same time. Go into an office and shut the door and basically stay away from most contact. I am not on the front lines. I am not a nurse, doctor or medical professional. I am not a first responder. I don't work for a restaurant or a grocery store. I can limit my contact with people.
Why do I get to still work when others who don't have control over their environment have to face this risk of this virus? Why do I get to still have a paycheck coming in when there are so many who are facing financial heartbreak?
No, I don't want this virus. No, I don't want to have to worry about finances. No, I don't want to have to give up the freedoms that I am still able to have. I so appreciate everything that I have and every opportunity that I have right now. I just don't know how to let go of this guilt that I'm experiencing.
Has my life been interrupted? Sure, I can't go to a restaurant and sit down to eat a meal. I can't order curbside pickup from Giant Eagle or Kroger and be able to pick it up tonight. (The wait is 4-5 days). I can't go to church on Sunday or Bible Study on Sunday nights. But so what. I still get to watch church on Sunday's via Facebook. I am alive, healthy (except my weight) and I have so much.
I don't know how to stop the guilt thoughts. I want to help people but physically I struggle with going to the store for myself let alone for others. I struggle with cleaning for myself so I know I would struggle with cleaning for others. The people who need the friends or companionship right now are the ones who are most susceptible to getting this virus. It stinks!!!
Heavenly Father,
Please end this virus or contain it soon. Please don't let us go back to "normal" as this time of self-isolation has allowed people to be still. It has also helped our world "clean" up a little. Smog is better, blue skies are shining for the first time in a long time in places like India and animals are learning how to relive in their environment. But help us to be able to get back to gathering as groups. Worshipping, spending time together. Help people who have lost jobs be able to work again. Lord, help us to know you are in control. Change hearts to help people make the decisions that are for the good of the people and not for their own gain.
And Lord, I ask that you would just help those of us who are kind of in the middle. We are considered essential but I am sure I am not the only one who feels it. Help us to not get lost in our, I don't even know the way to describe it, feelings of being needed but in the grand scheme of things, not really feeling like those who are truly essential. And finally Lord, I just ask that you would protect those who are on the front lines. Lord, give them the tools they need to stay safe and healthy. Give them the knowledge to be able to treat the people that need the help.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
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