Wow, it is, once again, that time of year. In 4 days I will be celebrating another birthday. This one is bringing me even closer to that mid-century mark. 47 sounds so scary. Just yesterday I was 20 years old. Today I'm celebrating Ryan Ott's graduation from High School. I remember when his mom didn't think she would ever have any more children after Mike. Next year, Philip and Amber will be graduating and in about 7 weeks or so, Clayton will be getting married.
I had great plans earlier this year to get a lot of weight off in time for Clayton's wedding. I weighed myself on Wednesday and I am 1 pound less than my heaviest that I have ever been. 435 lbs. There are Middle Linebackers on professional football teams that weigh less than me. (and they are much taller as well). I am struggling in a lot of area's physically. I meet with Brandon every week and I am so thankful. (He is a grad student at OSU in Psychology). We talk about a lot of stuff and he has helped me tremendously but I AM STILL OVER EATING, GAINING WEIGHT AND NOT EVEN TRYING. I don't know what God has to do to get me to change. I don't want Him to have me end up in the hospital. I want to change. I want to be able to walk down to the mailbox, I want to sit in the seats at the high school when Philip and Matthew have a performance. I want to do so many things. There is a whole world out there and I can't do any of it right now because I am so overweight that I can hardly move.
I wanted to participate in the Relay for Life this year. (I think that was in an earlier post) but I can't even take a shower without being in pain. There is no way I can walk around the track even one time.
These last 5 years have been the most challenging of my life. 2009 was the year when mom started getting really bad and Penny was diagnosed with cancer. Dan basically stopped talking to mom and me except on occasion. Mom then tried to take her life that September. She didn't succeed but she passed away 4 months later. I also hurt my shoulder in December of 2008 so my working out was slowing down as well. Then I hurt my Achilles in 2009. In January of 2010 was when Grandma died. She was 101 but still I felt guilty about that because I never got down to see her. Then Penny died in February of 2010. Then I had Achilles surgery in March of 2010 and quit my job at the Athletic Club after 13 1/2 years. Then Brandy (my favorite cat - don't tell Sami), died that same month. Then I started having trouble paying my mortgage. Now, if I hadn't eaten out all the time and tried to do better on managing the money God was giving me, I probably could have afforded the home but that is another area that I struggle with (besides food). So for the next few years I struggled with paying my bills, dealing with Penny's death, the guilt from Grandma's death and the severe guilt of mom's suicide attempt and finally death. I know I could have been a better daughter. Especially towards the end. I only did things for her because it was my "job" as her daughter and didn't hesitate to let her know. She told the hospital person the reason she tried to kill herself was because I wouldn't let her hug me and I wouldn't tell her I love her. Then when she passed away, I felt sadness but I also felt relief that the whole having to take care of her was over. She was very dependent on me and had pretty much pushed others away. There was not a day that went by in the last few years that she didn't call me to stop and get her a tea or a pack of cigarettes (even though she was on oxygen full time). I struggle so much, to this day, with the guilt of feeling relief. I should miss her terribly but the way she was the last few years, especially, was not good. It was so hard to watch.
So, in 2013 I filed Bankruptcy because of my house going into foreclosure. I did not want to be like mom and Danny with finances and yet, here I was, filing bankruptcy. Then we got a new Director of Catering at work and she made sure that no matter what I did she was watching me. She even told me at one point that I needed to stop helping others so much because they needed to make mistakes so they could learn. I was told to take the rest of a Friday off and go to the river and journal because I was so upset by having her watching everything I did. Well, I had good reason. On October 29th of 2013 I was called to the HR Director's office and told that I had not followed up on a Direct Bill application and since that could have cost the company money and all the "other little things" they had talked to me about that I was being fired.
The Friday before that Phil fell and broke his hip. That Saturday I moved into an apartment and prepared to turn my house over to the bank. That Sunday there was an all church meeting at Immanuel and basically I officially left Immanuel. There was a lot of lies being told about people and a lot of them originated at the top so I couldn't continue to worship there. So, in 5 days my whole world turned upside down.
I found a temp job and am currently finishing up there after 6 months with no prospects of another job. I had to cash out my 401K and roll most of it into an IRA but took $3,000 to catch up on some bills. I totaled my car in May of 2013 as well. Bought a clunker and had to get a new car in January of 2014. I felt guilty telling the people at the dealership that it was too expensive of a car so I bought it anyway. Between that and the insurance going up over $50/month I couldn't keep up with my bills again.
So, I know I have left some things out and I know that God has been carrying me in a lot of these situations (other wise I don't think I would have made it) but I am still turning to food and still feeling sorry for myself. It is such a struggle, especially when I hurt the way I do. I look around at my apartment and just see a mess. Boxes on a chair, junk everywhere. And instead of working through the pain I just sit down and play on the computer.
In so many ways I know that I am growing. I talk more about God and my faith but I need to show it as well!!!!
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for loving me. Even when I continually make these choices that are so against what You want for me. Thank you for carrying me through these last 5 years, and the many before. I do love You and I know that You are growing me through all of this. I just pray that starting right now, my choices will be honoring to you. That I will stop thinking of myself and all of my earthly disappointments and focus on what You have done for me and will continue to do for me if I only let you. Thank you for Pastor Travis and his Biblical messages!! Thank you for the challenges that he gives. Thank you for the fiction books that I read that You use to touch me. Please help me to crave your word even more than anything. Please help me to know that this weight issue can be used for good. Lord, I don't want to stay this heavy. I want to be able to do things with the kids, I want to have a healthy relationship with people, and if You are willing, a Godly man I can call my husband. And I know that the only way I am going to do this is by looking at you only and not on myself.
Thank you again for loving me.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.
