So I woke up today with the anger being front and center. Not the anger towards anyone except my situation. I am so tired of living in an unhealthy body, spending tons of money on eating out and computer games and watching life go by. Today I want to make the changes I need to fight for myself. My health, my finances, my relationship with God. Today I want to LIVE.
This attitude actually scares me to death because I have had this type of attitude so many times in the past and it only takes one little thing to turn it off. Eating the unhealthy meal, paying that $1.99 for those 10 extra coins to finish the computer game, going to that expensive restaurant instead of bringing my lunch or cooking at home, walking in my front door and immediately playing computer games and watching tv instead of spending time with God in His word. This is my MO. This is how I've done things for 52 3/4 years.
My head knows what to do. I have been to the programs to help me. I have been given so many tools to be successful in losing weight and saving money. I just struggle with the "want to". It makes me so mad!!! Would it be easier to have someone take my checkbook and handle my money for me so that I can't waste it? OH YEA!!! It would be awesome. It would also end any friendship I had with that person as I would not be a good "helpee". It is also not anyone else's responsibility to help me make the changes.
One of the things that God laid on my heart this morning on my way to work was that maybe He has allowed me to stay alone all these years was because He is trying to show me that I only need Him to make the changes needed. What an accomplishment to actually be able to be a grown up and do the adulting thing.
Does that mean I can't reach out for support? NO. He has placed people and resources in my life and in all our lives to help us along that way. He doesn't expect us to be able to do it alone but He also will provide for us if that is how it is going right now.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for walking this road with me. Thank you for bringing the people and things into my life to make me successful. Not in a worldly way but in a way that makes me healthy and able to do your work. I am a long way from being where I need to be but I know that you can use me even where I am at right now. Lord, help me to keep this attitude. Even in the next few minutes as I have to make a decision about what to get for lunch. Help me to choose a meal that will satisfy me and provide the fuel my body needs but will not be unhealthy or expensive. Lord, I want to live life. Not just exist. Most of all, I want to crave Your word above everything else. Help me to allow you to change my heart. Help me to look satan in the face when he tries to tempt me with unhealthy choices and say leave me alone in Your name. Lord, I do love you and I want to trust you 100%. Help me to stop being afraid and doubting you. Help me to just learn so much about you that people will ask me where my strength comes from. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
