I don't know if you are familiar with Ruby? She is a lady who was over 700 pounds and has a show on Style Network. She is down to the 300 pounds but she is gaining some weight back. This is the first season that I have been able to watch because I didn't have Style before. The one thing I have noticed about Ruby that sometimes I wish I had was the live in support system as well as the trainers, the counselor and the nutritionists that are helping her. She has people who are not afraid to stand up to her and tell her that they don't want her to die and that they want her to finish her journey because it is not just important to her but she matters so much to them that they don't want to lose her. I pray that she can continue this journey but I am writing this about my feelings.
FIRST - I don't discount all of you who have been praying and coming along side of me through this. You have all been amazing and I wouldn't have made it this far without God bringing you all into my life. SECOND - it is not anyones responsibility to try to get me to lose this weight but mine. I, with God's help, am the only one who can make the necessary changes. But there are so many times that I feel like I am just not important enough to anyone for them to come up to me and tell me that they don't want me to die and that they want me to finish this journey because I am important enough to them that they would feel an empty spot in their life if I wasn't part of it.
This all goes back to my needing validation through people. I know that this is not right and it is something that my counselor and I are trying to work on. I have not expressed these feelings to him so we haven't really talked about it but I don't know how to not feel like this.
Now, I know that I am important to you. Otherwise you wouldn't be reading this, praying for me and helping me. So, I really don't want people to actually do that but I don't want people to let me get away with things either. I need that accountability. I need people to not say, "it is okay to cheat every once in awhile" I need people to understand that if someone does ask me about something or hold me accountable that I might get frutstrated with them but that it is my defense mechanisim.
I will be talking with my counselor about these feelings. It isn't right to put this on others and I know that but I also know that I can't continue to be enabled.
I just needed to put my feelings down. They probably don't make sense and I am rambling so I will stop now. Thank you all for your love and encouragement. With God's help, I will get there. He has something wonderful in store. I just need to open the doors to my wall and let Him and others in.
I love you Lord. Thank you for my friends and family. I know that they love me. I know that if I would just ask they would be there for me. You know what I need and I thank you for that. Please continue to break me down so that I can rely on you and see that you really do have something wonderful in store if I just let you lead. In Jesus' name, Amen.
