Wow, it has been a wonderful weekend spent with 8,000 women and a few men. Women of Faith was in town last night and today. I have the opportunity, due to my job, to get complimentary tickets each year. This year my dear friend, Annie, went with me. I know I was blessed and I am hoping she was as well.
Now for the title of my post. Dreams. I remember when I was a little girl playing with my Barbies on the floor. I would always have Barbie marry Ken and they would have a lot of children. I would read fiction love stories for teens that would have "happily ever after" endings. I would see movies and be in love with the romantic "chick flicks". My dream as a little girl and teen and to this day was to be a wife and a mother. In the last few weeks I am really struggling because it seems that God does not have this dream in His plans for me. That breaks my heart. I am now 45 and the opportunity to carry a child has pretty much passed. It is not impossible but not likely, though Sarah did have Isaac when she was 100. I watch my younger co-workers or friends who've carried a child and wonder what that would feel like to have a person moving around inside of you. To watch the ultrasounds show a little peanut turn into a living breathing child and know that it was my heart that was the Lifeline for those 9 months. What it would be like to sit on the couch and have my husband put his hand on my belly to feel his child move. To see the wonder on his face when that child came into the world.
I wonder what it would be like to walk in the door at night and know that there was someone to talk about my day with, to share the ups and downs, to hold me when I had a bad day or to celebrate with me when I had a good day. To spend time in God's word with, to challenge me to be more like God. To be the leader of our home.
I wonder and I have dreamed of all these things and more but so far, God has not chosen that path for me. It hurts because I know in His word that He says to come to him and he will give me the desires of my heart. So, I am struggling with this area. If this is not in his plan then why is it such a desire in my heart? Why does it hurt so much when another year comes and goes and He doesn't answer that prayer? Or the answer is no.
I don't doubt that his plans and his ways are far better than mine but, as a human, I still question.
The next part of the dream part is what are the dreams he has for me if it is not to be a wife and mother? See, I did so well losing weight 5 years ago because I think that I believed there was still a chance for that family. Now, I am 5 years older, my body hurts a lot more and I don't really know what the purpose of losing weight is for? I was talking to my PT yesterday morning and we were talking about me losing the weight and I told her that since the only dream I seem to have had doesn't look like it is going to happen then I feel like it is not even worth it to lose the weight. Sure, there are superfiscial things that I would like to do, ride a roller coaster, go to a dude ranch, etc. but I don't have a dream.
Now, before you all jump on here (okay, the few who still read this blog) and start reminding me that I need to be healthy because my body is a temple of the Lords and that he has lent me this body and one of my responsibilities is to take care of that and all the other things. Just know you don't have to. I know those things. I wish that it was easy for me to just give it all up to God and say, "Okay, I don't know what you have in store for me but here I am. I will lose this weight not for a husband, not for notoriety, not for anything but to be healthy for you." It is not. I have looked so long at the earthly things and been so disappointed in my life, some from what others have done to me and mostly from the decisions I have made (or not made as the case may be) that I feel like I have to hold onto this. This is all I know. It is easier to be the negative person. To find the excuses. To keep taking back the "control" that I try to give to God. I hate that about me. I want so much to be able to just make that decision but without a "dream" to fight for, I feel like it isn't even worth it. That if I do have a little success I will just put it back on because there is no dream to reach for. I have been challenged by my counselor to find some rewards for the small successes as I lose weight. The only one I can think of is when I lose enough weight to walk around easier then I will be able to take my nieces and nephews to play miniture golf or to COSI or to the Zoo. Places that require walking and doing things. That is the only one I can come up with for short term rewards.
I don't know if it is because I feel I don't "deserve" to have these rewards or what but I just can't seem to "dream" or have something to look foward to.
I am sorry for rambling but I wanted to put these thoughts down so that if you are still reading this you would know how to pray.
God Bless,
Karen
