I am sitting here at work and have a lot of things to do but my mind just keeps running through something and since my computer is broke at home I need to get it written down. I will keep this short (sort of).
I am so blessed to have an amazing group of Godly friends that I spend the majority of my time with. I would not trade them for the world but sometimes I just feel like I am a spectator with the group. That my voice isn't important enough unless we are deciding on where to go to lunch after church on a Sunday.
For so long I have just gone along with what everyone else says and does. I have these wonderful ideas but I am so afraid to share them because I don't want to "rock the boat" and risk any of them from not liking me or thinking I am stupid.
Now, I know that I am normally paranoid. This is nothing new and I am sure you picked up on this over the last 7 years. But here are some examples of my thought process. I have wanted to have a group of people who will walk in the Relay for Life with the American Cancer Society in June each year. I wanted to do it the June after Penny died but as soon as I brought it up her husband went kind of crazy and told me that he wouldn't be ready for something like that so I scraped the idea. Well, I have thought about it every year since 2010. This year I decided to do a group. I had one person say they would have walked but they were going to be out of town. No one else even acted like they thought it was a good idea. But when another person was walking in a different fund-raiser for a different disease everyone jumped all over it and wanted to help any way they could.
I also follow a lot of families on Facebook. I do this so that I can pray for them. The things they are going through are heartbreaking but their faith is so encouraging. A couple of weeks ago I asked for prayer in our Bible study for a family whose baby was born with ancephaly. He only lived for 4 hours. When I mentioned that it was a family that I followed on Facebook I saw two of the people in the group look at each other like I was stupid for bringing it up. Last week another person mentioned someone else that was doing something and was trying to make sure they were doing it for the Glory of God in a national spotlight. We only know this person but from Television. Everyone was quick to pray for this person and didn't give it a second thought.
It just seems that when I try to expand our prayers and thoughts outside of our groups needs that it gets brushed aside. Like if it doesn't relate to us as a group or wasn't someone elses idea then it is not worth pursuing or it is looked at like it was a dumb idea.
I know I am not explaining it well but I so want to make a difference outside of my little bubble. I am so tired of wanting to help but having those ideas overlooked or just ignored. I just don't know how to do things. Sometimes I still think it would be a good idea for me to move away from here. It is just so easy for me to "go along" with the group. I want to find my voice. I want to be a leader. I want to make a difference. I want my thoughts and opinions to be respected but most of all, I want everything I think and do to glorify God and I don't think He gave me this desire to help others outside of "our group" for no reason.
Now to just figure out how to step away from the "norm" and do what He is calling me to do.
Please pray if you read this any more. I know that if no one does, at least God knows my heart and I just need to trust Him that maybe He wants me to expand my circle of believers as well.
God bless,
Karen
Friday, October 31, 2014
Sunday, June 8, 2014
That time of year...
Wow, it is, once again, that time of year. In 4 days I will be celebrating another birthday. This one is bringing me even closer to that mid-century mark. 47 sounds so scary. Just yesterday I was 20 years old. Today I'm celebrating Ryan Ott's graduation from High School. I remember when his mom didn't think she would ever have any more children after Mike. Next year, Philip and Amber will be graduating and in about 7 weeks or so, Clayton will be getting married.
I had great plans earlier this year to get a lot of weight off in time for Clayton's wedding. I weighed myself on Wednesday and I am 1 pound less than my heaviest that I have ever been. 435 lbs. There are Middle Linebackers on professional football teams that weigh less than me. (and they are much taller as well). I am struggling in a lot of area's physically. I meet with Brandon every week and I am so thankful. (He is a grad student at OSU in Psychology). We talk about a lot of stuff and he has helped me tremendously but I AM STILL OVER EATING, GAINING WEIGHT AND NOT EVEN TRYING. I don't know what God has to do to get me to change. I don't want Him to have me end up in the hospital. I want to change. I want to be able to walk down to the mailbox, I want to sit in the seats at the high school when Philip and Matthew have a performance. I want to do so many things. There is a whole world out there and I can't do any of it right now because I am so overweight that I can hardly move.
I wanted to participate in the Relay for Life this year. (I think that was in an earlier post) but I can't even take a shower without being in pain. There is no way I can walk around the track even one time.
These last 5 years have been the most challenging of my life. 2009 was the year when mom started getting really bad and Penny was diagnosed with cancer. Dan basically stopped talking to mom and me except on occasion. Mom then tried to take her life that September. She didn't succeed but she passed away 4 months later. I also hurt my shoulder in December of 2008 so my working out was slowing down as well. Then I hurt my Achilles in 2009. In January of 2010 was when Grandma died. She was 101 but still I felt guilty about that because I never got down to see her. Then Penny died in February of 2010. Then I had Achilles surgery in March of 2010 and quit my job at the Athletic Club after 13 1/2 years. Then Brandy (my favorite cat - don't tell Sami), died that same month. Then I started having trouble paying my mortgage. Now, if I hadn't eaten out all the time and tried to do better on managing the money God was giving me, I probably could have afforded the home but that is another area that I struggle with (besides food). So for the next few years I struggled with paying my bills, dealing with Penny's death, the guilt from Grandma's death and the severe guilt of mom's suicide attempt and finally death. I know I could have been a better daughter. Especially towards the end. I only did things for her because it was my "job" as her daughter and didn't hesitate to let her know. She told the hospital person the reason she tried to kill herself was because I wouldn't let her hug me and I wouldn't tell her I love her. Then when she passed away, I felt sadness but I also felt relief that the whole having to take care of her was over. She was very dependent on me and had pretty much pushed others away. There was not a day that went by in the last few years that she didn't call me to stop and get her a tea or a pack of cigarettes (even though she was on oxygen full time). I struggle so much, to this day, with the guilt of feeling relief. I should miss her terribly but the way she was the last few years, especially, was not good. It was so hard to watch.
So, in 2013 I filed Bankruptcy because of my house going into foreclosure. I did not want to be like mom and Danny with finances and yet, here I was, filing bankruptcy. Then we got a new Director of Catering at work and she made sure that no matter what I did she was watching me. She even told me at one point that I needed to stop helping others so much because they needed to make mistakes so they could learn. I was told to take the rest of a Friday off and go to the river and journal because I was so upset by having her watching everything I did. Well, I had good reason. On October 29th of 2013 I was called to the HR Director's office and told that I had not followed up on a Direct Bill application and since that could have cost the company money and all the "other little things" they had talked to me about that I was being fired.
The Friday before that Phil fell and broke his hip. That Saturday I moved into an apartment and prepared to turn my house over to the bank. That Sunday there was an all church meeting at Immanuel and basically I officially left Immanuel. There was a lot of lies being told about people and a lot of them originated at the top so I couldn't continue to worship there. So, in 5 days my whole world turned upside down.
I found a temp job and am currently finishing up there after 6 months with no prospects of another job. I had to cash out my 401K and roll most of it into an IRA but took $3,000 to catch up on some bills. I totaled my car in May of 2013 as well. Bought a clunker and had to get a new car in January of 2014. I felt guilty telling the people at the dealership that it was too expensive of a car so I bought it anyway. Between that and the insurance going up over $50/month I couldn't keep up with my bills again.
So, I know I have left some things out and I know that God has been carrying me in a lot of these situations (other wise I don't think I would have made it) but I am still turning to food and still feeling sorry for myself. It is such a struggle, especially when I hurt the way I do. I look around at my apartment and just see a mess. Boxes on a chair, junk everywhere. And instead of working through the pain I just sit down and play on the computer.
In so many ways I know that I am growing. I talk more about God and my faith but I need to show it as well!!!!
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for loving me. Even when I continually make these choices that are so against what You want for me. Thank you for carrying me through these last 5 years, and the many before. I do love You and I know that You are growing me through all of this. I just pray that starting right now, my choices will be honoring to you. That I will stop thinking of myself and all of my earthly disappointments and focus on what You have done for me and will continue to do for me if I only let you. Thank you for Pastor Travis and his Biblical messages!! Thank you for the challenges that he gives. Thank you for the fiction books that I read that You use to touch me. Please help me to crave your word even more than anything. Please help me to know that this weight issue can be used for good. Lord, I don't want to stay this heavy. I want to be able to do things with the kids, I want to have a healthy relationship with people, and if You are willing, a Godly man I can call my husband. And I know that the only way I am going to do this is by looking at you only and not on myself.
Thank you again for loving me.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.
I had great plans earlier this year to get a lot of weight off in time for Clayton's wedding. I weighed myself on Wednesday and I am 1 pound less than my heaviest that I have ever been. 435 lbs. There are Middle Linebackers on professional football teams that weigh less than me. (and they are much taller as well). I am struggling in a lot of area's physically. I meet with Brandon every week and I am so thankful. (He is a grad student at OSU in Psychology). We talk about a lot of stuff and he has helped me tremendously but I AM STILL OVER EATING, GAINING WEIGHT AND NOT EVEN TRYING. I don't know what God has to do to get me to change. I don't want Him to have me end up in the hospital. I want to change. I want to be able to walk down to the mailbox, I want to sit in the seats at the high school when Philip and Matthew have a performance. I want to do so many things. There is a whole world out there and I can't do any of it right now because I am so overweight that I can hardly move.
I wanted to participate in the Relay for Life this year. (I think that was in an earlier post) but I can't even take a shower without being in pain. There is no way I can walk around the track even one time.
These last 5 years have been the most challenging of my life. 2009 was the year when mom started getting really bad and Penny was diagnosed with cancer. Dan basically stopped talking to mom and me except on occasion. Mom then tried to take her life that September. She didn't succeed but she passed away 4 months later. I also hurt my shoulder in December of 2008 so my working out was slowing down as well. Then I hurt my Achilles in 2009. In January of 2010 was when Grandma died. She was 101 but still I felt guilty about that because I never got down to see her. Then Penny died in February of 2010. Then I had Achilles surgery in March of 2010 and quit my job at the Athletic Club after 13 1/2 years. Then Brandy (my favorite cat - don't tell Sami), died that same month. Then I started having trouble paying my mortgage. Now, if I hadn't eaten out all the time and tried to do better on managing the money God was giving me, I probably could have afforded the home but that is another area that I struggle with (besides food). So for the next few years I struggled with paying my bills, dealing with Penny's death, the guilt from Grandma's death and the severe guilt of mom's suicide attempt and finally death. I know I could have been a better daughter. Especially towards the end. I only did things for her because it was my "job" as her daughter and didn't hesitate to let her know. She told the hospital person the reason she tried to kill herself was because I wouldn't let her hug me and I wouldn't tell her I love her. Then when she passed away, I felt sadness but I also felt relief that the whole having to take care of her was over. She was very dependent on me and had pretty much pushed others away. There was not a day that went by in the last few years that she didn't call me to stop and get her a tea or a pack of cigarettes (even though she was on oxygen full time). I struggle so much, to this day, with the guilt of feeling relief. I should miss her terribly but the way she was the last few years, especially, was not good. It was so hard to watch.
So, in 2013 I filed Bankruptcy because of my house going into foreclosure. I did not want to be like mom and Danny with finances and yet, here I was, filing bankruptcy. Then we got a new Director of Catering at work and she made sure that no matter what I did she was watching me. She even told me at one point that I needed to stop helping others so much because they needed to make mistakes so they could learn. I was told to take the rest of a Friday off and go to the river and journal because I was so upset by having her watching everything I did. Well, I had good reason. On October 29th of 2013 I was called to the HR Director's office and told that I had not followed up on a Direct Bill application and since that could have cost the company money and all the "other little things" they had talked to me about that I was being fired.
The Friday before that Phil fell and broke his hip. That Saturday I moved into an apartment and prepared to turn my house over to the bank. That Sunday there was an all church meeting at Immanuel and basically I officially left Immanuel. There was a lot of lies being told about people and a lot of them originated at the top so I couldn't continue to worship there. So, in 5 days my whole world turned upside down.
I found a temp job and am currently finishing up there after 6 months with no prospects of another job. I had to cash out my 401K and roll most of it into an IRA but took $3,000 to catch up on some bills. I totaled my car in May of 2013 as well. Bought a clunker and had to get a new car in January of 2014. I felt guilty telling the people at the dealership that it was too expensive of a car so I bought it anyway. Between that and the insurance going up over $50/month I couldn't keep up with my bills again.
So, I know I have left some things out and I know that God has been carrying me in a lot of these situations (other wise I don't think I would have made it) but I am still turning to food and still feeling sorry for myself. It is such a struggle, especially when I hurt the way I do. I look around at my apartment and just see a mess. Boxes on a chair, junk everywhere. And instead of working through the pain I just sit down and play on the computer.
In so many ways I know that I am growing. I talk more about God and my faith but I need to show it as well!!!!
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for loving me. Even when I continually make these choices that are so against what You want for me. Thank you for carrying me through these last 5 years, and the many before. I do love You and I know that You are growing me through all of this. I just pray that starting right now, my choices will be honoring to you. That I will stop thinking of myself and all of my earthly disappointments and focus on what You have done for me and will continue to do for me if I only let you. Thank you for Pastor Travis and his Biblical messages!! Thank you for the challenges that he gives. Thank you for the fiction books that I read that You use to touch me. Please help me to crave your word even more than anything. Please help me to know that this weight issue can be used for good. Lord, I don't want to stay this heavy. I want to be able to do things with the kids, I want to have a healthy relationship with people, and if You are willing, a Godly man I can call my husband. And I know that the only way I am going to do this is by looking at you only and not on myself.
Thank you again for loving me.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Core Belief...
One of the things I am working on is my core beliefs. The main one right now is that I am a failure. I struggle with finding the things I do well. I am supposed to write down even the little successes. Today was not one of the success days.
There are times at work that I am struggling to find things to do and then all of the sudden I have too much that has to be done in the same amount of time. Well, last night and this morning were the days when there is too much that has to be done. I had to get multiple quotes to Honda before lunch time. Well, I sent them to the Honda contact and then remembered that I didn't remove an internal sheet before I hit send. Tony was very upset. Then, later in the day he asked me for something and we just don't communicate well. I was so frustrated and he was frustrated. I just don't know how to change it. I truly don't want to be doing this job and haven't wanted to for awhile but I want to fulfill my commitment and I am thankful for a job. I am just so afraid that doing anything wrong will cause me to lose my job again before I have something else lined up.
Then, I went to the Grove City band concert tonight and couldn't fit in the seats. It was so embarrassing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, there you go, the failure thoughts are far out weighing the successful thoughts today. Tomorrow is another day.
Thanks for any prayers.
Karen
There are times at work that I am struggling to find things to do and then all of the sudden I have too much that has to be done in the same amount of time. Well, last night and this morning were the days when there is too much that has to be done. I had to get multiple quotes to Honda before lunch time. Well, I sent them to the Honda contact and then remembered that I didn't remove an internal sheet before I hit send. Tony was very upset. Then, later in the day he asked me for something and we just don't communicate well. I was so frustrated and he was frustrated. I just don't know how to change it. I truly don't want to be doing this job and haven't wanted to for awhile but I want to fulfill my commitment and I am thankful for a job. I am just so afraid that doing anything wrong will cause me to lose my job again before I have something else lined up.
Then, I went to the Grove City band concert tonight and couldn't fit in the seats. It was so embarrassing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, there you go, the failure thoughts are far out weighing the successful thoughts today. Tomorrow is another day.
Thanks for any prayers.
Karen
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Pennys for Penny
On this day, 4 years ago, Penny went to her eternal home. I still miss her so much. There are still days that I feel like I can just give her a call.
One of the things that I wanted to do 4 years ago was raise money for Cancer research through Relay for Life. I started something but Dustin really had a fit and didn't want me to do something without his okay. I have always wanted to do something each year since but was afraid of what his and others reactions would be. Well, today, I signed up a team for Relay for Life Grove City. The event is June 28th. 138 days from now. I really hope that people will get on board but if not, I am still going to do it.
I start tonight by walking in my apartment for 5-10 minutes. I will try to do more and more each day. I will also see if people who want to walk with me on Sunday's before Bible Study will meet at Polly's and start walking. I plan to be able to walk around the track 6-8 times that day.
If you are reading this I have 3 favors:
1. PLEASE PRAY - the most important request.
2. If you are interested in walking on the team just let me know and we can create a training schedule
3. If you can't be on the team but want to donate I will share the link and you can donate there.
Thank you and God Bless!
Karen
One of the things that I wanted to do 4 years ago was raise money for Cancer research through Relay for Life. I started something but Dustin really had a fit and didn't want me to do something without his okay. I have always wanted to do something each year since but was afraid of what his and others reactions would be. Well, today, I signed up a team for Relay for Life Grove City. The event is June 28th. 138 days from now. I really hope that people will get on board but if not, I am still going to do it.
I start tonight by walking in my apartment for 5-10 minutes. I will try to do more and more each day. I will also see if people who want to walk with me on Sunday's before Bible Study will meet at Polly's and start walking. I plan to be able to walk around the track 6-8 times that day.
If you are reading this I have 3 favors:
1. PLEASE PRAY - the most important request.
2. If you are interested in walking on the team just let me know and we can create a training schedule
3. If you can't be on the team but want to donate I will share the link and you can donate there.
Thank you and God Bless!
Karen
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