I can't believe it has been since 2018 since I have posted here. I started posting on Instagram so I kind of got away from here. Well, I wanted to write in here because I am at a place where I am just so discouraged and frustrated that I didn't really want to put it out there for all to see.
This blog is kind of my therapy and since no one really reads it, it's like a diary too. I weigh 433lbs as of yesterday morning. Today I told myself that I was going to make good choices on my eating. At lunch I got an 8" Jimmy John's Italian sub (one of the most fattening). This morning I tried the new Wendy's sausage, egg and cheese biscuit sandwich with their seasoned fries and a Diet Coke. Tonight I went to a little place called Memories and got their appetizer sampler. It consisted of 8 mini tacos, 3 fried pickles, 4 fried mac & cheese wedges and 6 chicken wings. Then I stopped at Dairy Queen and got a hot fudge brownie sundae.
WHY???????? Why can't I stop doing this to myself? Why can't I follow through? Why do I continually sabotage myself? What is stopping me from really trying? I hate myself sometimes. (Not enough to do anything drastic) but in some ways I AM hurting myself just in a slower fashion. I'm not even trying to get healthy.
Yes, I love food. I love the taste of food. I love sitting down at a restaurant and eating a meal, even when I am alone because there are people there to watch. Conversations to eavesdrop on. Noise. But why can't I make healthy choices when I am eating out?
When I moved to my new apartment in June of last year I was so excited because I had a pretty big kitchen with an electric stove and a DISHWASHER. There have been dirty dishes sitting on my counter for a few weeks now and I haven't cooked myself a meal in months. I was taking my lunch every day to work last year for several months and I stopped that and now eat out each meal. I did Intermittent Fasting for awhile but then I plateaued and went back to eating what I wanted, when I wanted. I tried to start IF again but have not done well this time around.
I come home each night and turn on my computer, play games and watch tv. I was just thinking about my mom and how I got so frustrated with her for not even trying to get healthy and yet I am STILL doing the same exact thing. What is going to happen when my legs finally say enough? Why would anyone want to help me? I have done this to myself. I have chosen to eat this way, I have chosen to feel sorry for myself, I have chosen to give up on really living and just exist. Though I really don't remember a time when I was really living. I have been so afraid of life that I think I have just existed for the last 52 years. I have continually started to make progress on something only to once again stop or fail. The only thing consistent has been my TimeHop streak and making my bed every day.
It is so frustrating and discouraging. When I had my physical at the beginning of February everything internally was perfect again. I remember as I was talking about it at our prayer meeting I was praising God for allowing me to be healthy internally even though I constantly abuse myself. But joint wise I am really a mess and asking for prayer. I person, under their breath, said something like "here we go". See, even those who say they love me are tired of hearing me constantly asking for prayer for weightloss. They have been praying for so long and I constantly ignore the help God gives me that they are tired of hearing it. I don't blame them. I am tired of hearing it myself.
The thing is, I don't want to continue this way. I hate the place I am at. I hate the thought of eventually having to rely on someone to help me. I hate that I have to have people come and do things for me because my legs and back are so worn out from carrying this much weight for so long that I can't even vacuum my own house without being in severe pain. I hate it all. I also hate that in my head I know what I need to do but I don't want to do it. I want others to come and do it for me. Others to come and take me to the gym. Others to invite me over and fix me healthy meals. Others to help me get out of my own head. It makes me so mad!!!! It is not others responsibility!!! I am not a victim. I am a grown woman who should be able to take care of herself. Who shouldn't have to rely on others. Who should want to lose the weight and get healthy because it is the right thing to do. Not so that others can praise me for losing the weight.
God, you have given me so much over the years. You have opened so many doors for me to walk through to get healthy. You have brought people into my life to encourage me. To come along side of me. And yet I keep fighting you every step of the way. I don't want to do the work. I don't trust that you will have great things for me. I don't believe that I can do the things you will ask me to do if I get healthy. I continue to believe Satan who constantly tells me that I have been a failure at everything my entire life and that is not about to change. Lord, I know that you love me and that you love me enough for me not to stay where I'm at but in my heart I still struggle with trusting you with everything. I like my tv shows, I like my computer games, I like fattening foods. I don't want to give those things up and yet I know that I need to spend time with you. I know that in order to learn more about you and trust you I need to spend time in your word. But Lord, I think I'm going to do it and then nothing ever changes. I just ask that you don't give up on me and I will try to not give up on me either. You love me and Lord, with your help, I would like to learn to love myself as well. Not in an egotistical way but in a way that I become more like you. I pray this in Jesus' name, Amen.
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