Skip to main content

A prayer answered - Where to go from here?

I haven't written about this because I didn't even know how to write it.  I didn't know my feelings.  I didn't know what to say.

As you have read in earlier blog posts my parents were separated when I was 7 months old and divorced when I was 1 1/2.  I saw my dad on and off until I was 8.  At that time he came up to visit at Christmas.  We took him to a small airport not too far from my house as he was learning to fly.  He promised that he would call and send cards and see us as often as possible.  That never happened.

Every day after school I would rush home to check the mail to see if the letter came.  Every birthday and holiday I would wait to see if the present came or the call came to wish me whatever it happened to be.  It never happened.

A few months ago his name appeared on Facebook and since my cousin had friended him I thought I would as well.  I never posted anything or said anything to him as I wasn't convinced it was him.  On my birthday the first message I got was from him.  To say I was surprised was an understatement.  40 years between birthday wishes.  I sent him a message and asked him to tell me something that only he and I would know to prove it was him.  A week or so later I got an instant message from him saying he had tried to send me an email but he had the wrong address.  I gave him the right address and he forwarded the email.  It was him.

We have exchanged several emails and phone calls since that time.  He explained that at the time he left, mom gave him an ultimatum.  Be a Husband and dad or nothing.  I explained that it was very hard on me because I have felt my entire life that I was never good enough to fight for.  He knows he should have fought for us and he does regret it.  It cost him his children.

I am thankful that God has answered that prayer in His time.  I don't know why it took almost 41 years and why I got the one response from him 26 years ago and then nothing.  I guess it wasn't the right time.  I look forward to getting to know him and Carol and her children.

The where to go from here part is that I have used the excuse of my dad abandoning me and mom not being there emotionally all these years as a way to be the victim.  Those excuses are gone.  My dad did love us and just wasn't able to be a grown up about it.  My mom did the best she could being a mom and dad.  She probably had some guilt about him not being in our lives as well.

I am a grown up now.  I am not the lost little girl who feels abandoned.  But this is all I have ever known.  This person.  The one who uses every excuse to avoid the work, avoid the relationships, to avoid being who God wants me to be.   I am SO SCARED!!!  I just don't even want to turn it over to God and truly let go.  I want to hold onto the excuses.  To continue to be who I am even though I don't like this person.  I have wasted so many years being someone that has missed out on so much and I hate that.  I am just so "comfortable" in being that person that I don't want to do the work to become someone different, someone that can make a difference.

I am still praying for that actor I mentioned a few posts ago.  I so want to reach out to him and explain the truth to him but I don't know how to do it without sounding judgmental.  I don't know why this particular person was put on my heart.  I truly think God is calling me to reach out to him but my fear of stepping out of my comfort zone continues to haunt me.  Stopping me from doing what I am asked to do.

So, I guess if you are reading this please pray that I start realizing that my past is not who I am.  That I will be able to truly turn it over to God and to let it go.  To become the person that He wants me to be.  The person who can spread His truth without fear.

God bless,
Karen

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

P.S.S. to Previous Post

Just to let you in on God's speaking to me. I mentioned that I needed to follow up on the previous post by spending time in His word. Well, a very special friend told me to start reading in Philippians. One of the verses that stood out to me was Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. See what I mean. It was like he was telling me that He hasn't given up on me so I shouldn't give up either. (To you it may not have said that but to me it did)

Thought you might want to know...

God Bless,
Karen
Wow, it's been almost a year since I last posted.   I wish I could do this more often but I just get so easily sidetracked.

So, my 50th birthday finally arrived 4 days ago.  For two years I had planned and dreamed of going to a dude ranch out west.  My goal was to lose 200 lbs and to be able to enjoy things that I had never dreamt I would do.  I have since gained weight.  I now weigh over 440lbs.  I struggle with walking, standing and doing so much more.  I hate who I have let myself become.  There is no excuse.  I remet my dad last year and that is going great!!!  I have so many people who love me.  I am otherwise healthy.  I have a great job.  And most importantly I have a God who loves me more than anything.

So, why am I still this obese?  Why do I continue to stick to my victim mentality and laziness?  What needs to happen to get me off my backside and get working on becoming the person that God wants me to be?

Let me tell you about how my 50th birthday actually went.  I ha…