I haven't written about this because I didn't even know how to write it. I didn't know my feelings. I didn't know what to say.
As you have read in earlier blog posts my parents were separated when I was 7 months old and divorced when I was 1 1/2. I saw my dad on and off until I was 8. At that time he came up to visit at Christmas. We took him to a small airport not too far from my house as he was learning to fly. He promised that he would call and send cards and see us as often as possible. That never happened.
Every day after school I would rush home to check the mail to see if the letter came. Every birthday and holiday I would wait to see if the present came or the call came to wish me whatever it happened to be. It never happened.
A few months ago his name appeared on Facebook and since my cousin had friended him I thought I would as well. I never posted anything or said anything to him as I wasn't convinced it was him. On my birthday the first message I got was from him. To say I was surprised was an understatement. 40 years between birthday wishes. I sent him a message and asked him to tell me something that only he and I would know to prove it was him. A week or so later I got an instant message from him saying he had tried to send me an email but he had the wrong address. I gave him the right address and he forwarded the email. It was him.
We have exchanged several emails and phone calls since that time. He explained that at the time he left, mom gave him an ultimatum. Be a Husband and dad or nothing. I explained that it was very hard on me because I have felt my entire life that I was never good enough to fight for. He knows he should have fought for us and he does regret it. It cost him his children.
I am thankful that God has answered that prayer in His time. I don't know why it took almost 41 years and why I got the one response from him 26 years ago and then nothing. I guess it wasn't the right time. I look forward to getting to know him and Carol and her children.
The where to go from here part is that I have used the excuse of my dad abandoning me and mom not being there emotionally all these years as a way to be the victim. Those excuses are gone. My dad did love us and just wasn't able to be a grown up about it. My mom did the best she could being a mom and dad. She probably had some guilt about him not being in our lives as well.
I am a grown up now. I am not the lost little girl who feels abandoned. But this is all I have ever known. This person. The one who uses every excuse to avoid the work, avoid the relationships, to avoid being who God wants me to be. I am SO SCARED!!! I just don't even want to turn it over to God and truly let go. I want to hold onto the excuses. To continue to be who I am even though I don't like this person. I have wasted so many years being someone that has missed out on so much and I hate that. I am just so "comfortable" in being that person that I don't want to do the work to become someone different, someone that can make a difference.
I am still praying for that actor I mentioned a few posts ago. I so want to reach out to him and explain the truth to him but I don't know how to do it without sounding judgmental. I don't know why this particular person was put on my heart. I truly think God is calling me to reach out to him but my fear of stepping out of my comfort zone continues to haunt me. Stopping me from doing what I am asked to do.
So, I guess if you are reading this please pray that I start realizing that my past is not who I am. That I will be able to truly turn it over to God and to let it go. To become the person that He wants me to be. The person who can spread His truth without fear.