I got a DM (direct message) from someone that was just checking on me. She said in the last post I had put on Instagram I seemed to be down.
The truth is, no, I am not doing okay. I am struggling. I am hurting. I am angry. I am discouraged. I am disappointed. I am just truly sad.
I don't even know where to start. As I have written in previous posts, 2020 has been a very messed up year. We started this year with high hopes. Excitement. Energy. All the dates on the calendar were lining up. Seriously, Cinco de Mayo was on Taco Tuesday!!! Then COVID-19 hit. The country, heck, the world, got shut down "for a short period of time to slow the spread and not overwhelm hospitals". That was in March. It is now Mid-October and there are still a lot of things locked down. Sports but few spectators are allowed. Parties, forget about it. Even the Presidential race is so divided by all the "rules" that change every day. Sometimes, every hour.
Then you have the worst civil unrest I have ever witnessed in my lifetime. I have touched on the whole George Floyd killing by the police. Well, the looting and rioting has continued. It now has nothing really to due with George Floyd or Police brutality against black people. Now it is just a reason for people to try to show they are "owed" something. We have rappers who sing vial songs interviewing presidential candidates but yet we have Amy Coney Barrett being appointed to the Supreme Court but the Democrats are acting like spoiled brats because President Trump was doing his constitutional duty and appointing a nominee.
Our election is 19 days away and I am so stressed because for the first time in my life I actually really care about who gets elected and what that will do to our Country if the Joe Biden gets elected. It is a scary time.
Then there is the whole personal stuff. I am ONCE AGAIN doing the exact same thing I have done over and over and over and over again. I have gotten my credit card bills run up high and had to buy a car in June so now I have an additional amount coming out of my paycheck each month. But instead of saving all the money I can for the short term so I can pay off my bills, I continue to go out to eat. Not only spending more than I should to begin with but spending $15-$20 on each meal!!!! I also have medical bills coming in because there is something wrong with my, let's just say, butt. I have been to Teledoc, Urgent Care, my PCP and an Orthopedic doctor. So I have bills from the latter 3 that I now owe because I have a high deductible and have run out of my $2,000 money that my boss gives us each year. So, any medical appointments at this point until I reach my deductible are 100% my bill.
I was losing the weight for awhile and now I have put it back on. I have been averaging 435-445 for the last 6 months or so. I am in a lot of pain and struggle with daily issues to take care of myself. Which then causes me to have more low self-esteem because I feel ugly.
So, where does the title of this post come in? These last two sections are a pattern I have repeated my entire life!!! I constantly start doing well and ultimately turn right back around and get back in the exact same spot that the Lord has helped me out of. It never fails. BUT when I ask for prayer and God brings someone to walk along side of me or to challenge me, or to offer suggestions, I immediately get very defensive. I find excuse after excuse why I can't work with that person, or why what they are saying just isn't right for me.
John 5:1- 15 says the following:
The Healing at the Pool
1Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for one of the Jewish festivals. 2Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda a and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. 3Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. [4] b 5One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”
7“Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”
8Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” 9At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.
The day on which this took place was a Sabbath, 10and so the Jewish leaders said to the man who had been healed, “It is the Sabbath; the law forbids you to carry your mat.”
11But he replied, “The man who made me well said to me, ‘Pick up your mat and walk.’ ”
12So they asked him, “Who is this fellow who told you to pick it up and walk?”
13The man who was healed had no idea who it was, for Jesus had slipped away into the crowd that was there.
14Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, “See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.” 15The man went away and told the Jewish leaders that it was Jesus who had made him well.
See, I am that man at the well. Jesus is asking me over and over again if I want to get well. And I am constantly telling Him that there is no one to help me get to the healing waters before another person gets there first. I haven't been willing to pick up my mat and walk. I want to stay at the side of the healing pool and wait for someone to do it for me.
I know I am not the only one struggling. I know I am not the only one who continues to fight Jesus when all He wants to do is see me live the life He wants for me. To be able to get up and go tell everyone about who He is. But when you are in a hurting place and you have seen yourself do well only to make the same choices over and over again it is really hard to want to try.
Do I want to get well? The right answer is yes, I do. But actually believing that is so much easier said than done. I feel like I am at verse 14 - if I don't stop sinning something worse will happen.
If you would be willing to pray I would appreciate it. I know that I will get through this. I just pray that this time will be the last time. That I can add eating healthy, at home and saving money to my year and 1/2 of making my bed (almost) every day and almost 4 years of checking TimeHop every day.
God bless and if you are struggling right now as well please let me know so I can pray for you too.
