Epiphany (Feeling) the sudden realization or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something. That is what happened to me a few minutes ago. I have tried for the last 30 years to not be like my mom. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom very much but the decisions she has made my entire life have negatively affected all around her and especially her. She basically stopped living when I was 12 years old. She used my brother and me as her reasoning why she couldn't do anything. She also has relied on us as her sole emotional and pretty much physical support that time as well.
Because of the victim mentality that she and most in our family, have displayed she is now in a situation where, unless I am available to do things for her, she is completely alone all the time. All day. She doesn't work, she can't walk very well, she uses oxygen most of the day because her lungs are bad from smoking basically since she was 15 and she isn't involved in anything.
I am not writing this to speak badly about my mom. She raised two children with no financial help from my dad. We had a roof over our head and food on the table most of the time. I am writing this because, though I don't want to make the same life decisions that she has made I have found that I am doing the same thing she has done. She even pointed it out to me this afternoon on the phone which caused the Epiphany.
I will be 42 in 2 days, I have never had a relationship with anyone, I let my house stay dirty and use that as an excuse to not have people over, I spend money on food and then complain that I can't save any money because I will have to give it to my mom or whatever if I tried to save it anyway so what is the point? I stay obese because I see that I am a lot like my mom in my choices and believe that that makes me unlovable. My family has the victim mentality. We all want someone to solve our problems for us. We want someone else to be our emotional happiness.
You know what? That is impossible!!!!! The only one who can choose to make things different and who can solve our problems is us and only with the help of God. If I don't want to end up alone and afraid of life when I am older then I have to make the decision RIGHT NOW to make the changes that need to be done. If that, then, brings continued weight loss, financial stability and a better social life then that will be a great benefit but the most important thing will be that I am doing what God created me to do. I will be taking care of what he gave me both physically and materially (is that a word?).
So, for this minute I am going to choose to do what I need to do to get healthy and clean my house and if that brings people over then that will be great. I am scared and I know that this battle will be hard and I know that my mentality is what will hold me back. I pray that with God's help, I can do this and with your prayers I know it will work as well.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for eye opening moments. I know that I can't change mom and I pray for the strength to make it through the times when she rely's on me alone for her emotional and physical needs. I want to be a good daughter and a good help for her but I know that it is really hard when I don't see her wanting to do her part. Please help her to come to know you and want to seek you out. Thank you for not giving up on me or anyone else. I do love you and I know that I have a hard time showing it. I pray for the minute by minute strength it will take to make better choices and to not give up. Help me to be an example to not only mom but the rest of my family as well. In Jesus' Name, Amen
God Bless,
Karen
