So this year has been a very emotional year for me. In January we found out that Penny had cancer and we didn't have any idea where she would be by September. We still do not know what is going to happen. So far the Lord has decided to not heal Penny.
Then, my mom's health has been going down hill. She has struggled with her physical health at least since 2005. She had back problems before that but once she had her back surgery and has been struggling with walking things have gotten worse. Then my brother made a decision last year that has caused his wife to not let her children or my brother talk to mom. My brother has to sneak to call mom and he doesn't even come down any more to visit.
These health issues, lack of money for both mom and me and the thing with my brother has caused my mom's depression to continue to grow. She doesn't do a lot because she is in a wheelchair most of the time and has to use oxygen a lot. Well, 4 weeks ago she was in the hospital for congestive heart failure. Then she was quitting smoking 2 weeks ago and called me last Monday with breathing problems. She took her patch off that night and seemed to be doing better. The next morning I called her and she was really bad. I thought it was her breathing again so I rushed over and met the squad. She ended up in the emergency room with her stomach problem for 9 hours. I had to miss a doctor's appointment that I had scheduled and was disappointed. Then I took her home and on Wednesday I called to check on her and she said things were really bad. I told her to call her doctor or the squad again. I couldn't miss work again. She called her doctor and they told her to come in there or call the squad. She couldn't get there and didn't want to call the squad again. I went over to check on her that night and during the day had finally hit my stress breaking point. So when I got there she asked me if I was alright. I told her no and that we needed to figure something out. I meant that she needed to be in an Assisted Living type facility so that if she fell or if she couldn't get somewhere to eat then they could help her. Well, she took that to mean that she was being a burden. On Thursday I tried calling her and just continued to get a busy signal. Around 11:30 or so I got a call from the hospital saying that she was in the ER and was stable. I stayed at work thinking it was the same problem from Tuesday. Little did I know that she had attempted to take her life. I found this out later that day when I went to the hospital to see her.
My brother is still not being involved and I know that part of what she was hoping for is that this might bring my brother around. It is so hard. Our family has never talked about the things that are important. We always just walked around the elephant in the room. One of the things she told the Social Worker is that I don't hug her. I struggle with that because I think that I hold back my hugs from her almost as a punishment. She quit enjoying life when I was around 12. I don't remember much about her except that she didn't do a lot. And I know that I didn't help. I made sure that the attention was on me and would do everything I could to keep it away from her. But I realize how much it hurt to not have a mom who wanted to be involved. She, I think, has been trying to have my brother and I be her happiness. All I have ever wanted was to have a husband and family of my own but yet I have used mom's struggles as an excuse to hide away from a relationship. I feel that if I have to "take care of her" then I won't have to try to have a relationship. With the abandonment that we have all experienced in my family we are all afraid. That is why my brother won't stand up to his wife. It took him over 40 years to find someone and he knows that if he stands up to her then things will probably not go over well. That is why mom has hidden from life. She has been abandoned by her real mom (they have a relationship now but...), her husband, her son and me in a lot of ways. Though I am there I always help with the wrong attitude. I let her know that she is inconveniencing me.
Does this mean what she did was my fault or my brothers fault or her parents fault? No, she ultimately is the one who chose to make that decision but it still is hard not taking some of the responsibilty. The other thing is that I have hidden so long behind mom as the excuse for not being able to do things that I am afraid that when she does get better I will lose my excuse for hiding myself. I may actually have to let people get close to me. That scares the daylights out of me!!!!
So, you are probably wondering what the title has to do with this post? Well, I have been asking God to show me what he is trying to teach me through all the situations that have been going on this year. Well, I think he showed me that he loves me and wants me to be well. Unfortunately He is having to use some very serious things to get my attention. I just pray that I use the knowledge that he is giving me to grow and to be able to glorify him.
This is probably the most revealing post that I have put on here and that says a lot since I have been very open so far. Thanks for listening to me.
God Bless,
Karen
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