Not sure how to title this post...

What to blog about? I guess I am going to blog about how I am struggling. Struggling with understanding why God continues to ask me to say goodbye to people that are special to me and not allowing me even some of the dreams that I have had in my heart since I was a little girl. I have struggled all my life with letting people get close and every time I do one of them passes away or leaves. I am sitting here on a Saturday night all alone again!!!! It hurts so bad. I will be 43 in a few months and none of my dreams have come true. Yes, there have been many blessings and I don't want to take away from them. But all I ever wanted as I was growing up was to be a wife and a mother. I just wanted to carry a child. To feel it move. To finally look into his/her eyes and see my eyes or my husbands eyes. It hurst more than I can say knowing that I will probably never have that opportunity. Yes, maybe some day God will bring me the husband but my biggest dream will probably never come true.

I have been going through probably the hardest journey I can ever imagine in this last 13 months. And I have never felt so alone. I know, I am feeling very sorry for myself and that makes me even madder at myself. One of my closest friends just passed away yesterday morning, her husband is now the single father of 4 children 6 and under, her children are now without a mother and her family is without a sister and daughter and I am sitting her feeling sorry for myself because I am alone on a Saturday night. That sounds so pathetic. I know that there are many that I could call and they would gladly take the time to talk with me or let me cry on their shoulder but they can't know my deepest hurts. They can't just hold me.

I have gained over 60 pounds back in the last year. I am continuing to turn to food and self loathing instead of God to comfort me. I don't know what He needs to do to get me to trust him. Look at the above part of the post, what does that tell you? It tells you that my focus is still always on my problems and not wanting to change. My house is a disaster, my mom's condo is not even close to being ready, I come home and immediately play on the computer instead of doing what I need to do.

I guess I don't know how to end this post or even what else to say.