God is really working on me lately. I have been going to counseling and also to Overeaters Anonymous. I went down to the gym at the hotel on Monday and rode an exercise bike for 15 minutes and yesterday I walked on the treadmill for 23 minutes. It felt good to be able to do that but my feet were falling asleep.
I am sitting around my house looking at how destroyed the carpeting and some walls are. I am very discouraged because I can't afford to make any changes. I am 4 months behind on my mortgage and have a few other bills that I am trying to pay off. Sometimes I just want to call the bank and tell them they can have the house. I look around and want to do so much to it but I don't even know where to start because there is so much that needs to be fixed. I have contacted the bank to see about the FHA home mortgage deal and waited the month like they told me. I called them back and they said that the button to move it over to the person who has to evaluate it hadn't even been pushed yet. So, a month ago they pushed the button. In the mean time I keep falling further behind.
I still like the company I work for and for the most part, my managers but there are just a couple of people who make it not a comfortable place to work. I am so afraid of whatever I say being taken and turned around so that they make fun of me or be mean to me. I hate that I am still so sensitive that I let people do that to me. I just don't know how to "let it roll off my shoulders" as I have been told so many times. I also don't feel like I make a difference there. I am not being a good witness at work. I know the Lord puts me where He wants me but he also expects me to be a witness for Him. I just don't know how to do that. I don't know how to let go and let Him.
So, what does this all have to do with getting my act together? I am just getting to the point where I am so tired of living like this!!!!! My counselor said something last week that has stuck with me. We were talking about me not having a boyfriend or never even having a date. One of the things he asked me was the type of person I wanted. I told him someone who loved the Lord first of all, then who was established in a nice job and who was healthy. Then he asked me about if I didn't want to date or marry someone who sat around playing games on the computer all night, who didn't take care of themselves and who was sad and depressed all the time then why would the type of person I wanted to date want someone like that? Since I just basically described myself in the type I don't want it really hit home. I need to get off my backside, get busy and try to get my health and finances in order. I can't do this without His help though.
Please pray for me as I feel like I am hitting that rock bottom point that everyone needs to get to so that they can make the changes. I am scared, I have no idea where to start. I need to get my house cleaned and organized but I can't do it alone. But it is so gross that I don't want to ask anyone to come in to help. I can't afford to hire an organizer and cleaner to come in so... I just covet your prayers. Please pray that He will keep encouraging me to want to get my act together.
Thanks,
God Bless,
Karen
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