Every day? Okay, every few days...

So, I have missed a few days.  I had a really good one from Sunday.  My 11 year old niece, Anna!!!  She is an amazing young lady.  I am so excited that for some reason she wants to be around me whenever we are together.  What a positive blessing she is!!

Monday was Monday but I am thankful about my meetings at OSU and my Behavioral Health meetings.  I am looking forward to them helping me to become more of the person that God wants me to be even though they work with me on my spiritual beliefs. 

Tuesday the positive was that things that went pretty good at work and that I was able to be at home last night.

Today, wow, trying to sort out my feelings on today.   Today is the 12th anniversary of the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks and the crash of flight 23 in Pennsylvania.  Not a year goes by that I, along with everyone else in America, doesn't remember where they were and what they were doing on this day in 2001. 

Today, I also got to volunteer at the Ronald McDonald House.  It is a positive that there is a safe place for families to live while they are here for the extended treatment of their sick child.  Emotionally, it was hard to think about them being here for that same reason.  Positively I am blessed to have 16 healthy "nieces" and "nephews" and that I don't remember ever having to go there for myself.

I also found out that I did get the apartment on Broadway.  This is another area that I am struggling with.  The positive is that the apartment is only $595/month, I don't have a neighbor below me, the neighbor beside me only has a laundry wall connecting, it is right by Beulah Park so I can still have people over for the Fourth of July.

The part I am struggling with is that I feel like I am 46 years old, single and make decent money and yet I am losing my house to foreclosure, I filed bankruptcy earlier this year, my "new" car is still overheating and getting worse and the transmission slips.  It just seems that I should not have financial problems.  But I spend all my money on eating out because I am too big to cook in the kitchen and my refrigerator is broke so I only have a small one.  Also, I am having to go from a 1230 sq ft house with a garage to a 700 sq ft apartment with no garage and very little storage.  It just seems like I am going backwards. 

I know I am blessed.  I know that God has given me ample opportunity and the thing I need to make these changes.  I just have to focus on the positives and stop spending the money that God has blessed me with.  In a year or two I will then be able to buy a small home and go from there.

Okay, so, pondering the positives is a struggle but I know they are there so I will try.  Thanks for listening (reading).

God bless,
Karen

I am changing the title of my blog. Welcome to Pondering the Positive!!!

So, I wrote in my previous blog about the program at OSU.  I joined that program in late June or early July.  I have not been successful yet.  Each week I go in and wonder how much weight I have gained.  Not lost.  Not very productive.  One of the things that I am asked every week is to tell them one positive thing that happened the past week. 

Now, that should be an easy question.  But, you are talking to the negative person who only sees the bad and not the good.  So, I have decided that each day I will type at least 1 positive thing that has happened to me that day.  If it is more, that will be great but some times it may only be one.  So, they will probably be short posts but here is my first ones.

1. - I got out of bed
2. - I was able to work at the Otterbein game again
3. - I didn't eat the City BBQ at the game because I had just eaten.  BIG THING FOR ME!!!
4. - I was able to walk to Clements Center, make copies, walk some to the visitors coaches and still get back to my car.  I was exhausted but I did it!!!
5. - On my way up to the chiropractor I was feeling very sorry for myself.  I then realized that with where I am at now, I have an amazing opportunity to be a Godly example to the young people in my life.  Instead of dwelling on the negative, I started looking at the positive and the result starts with this blog.

So, I am sure there are more but for now those are the ones to get started.

Lord, thank you for the positive things in my life!!!  I know that I overlook them and only focus on the negative so I just pray that you will help me to continue to log my positive things and I will really be able to see how blessed I am.  Love you - In Jesus' Name, Amen.

46? Where did that come from?

When you are young you think that 30 is old.  When you are 20 you think that 50 is old.  When you are almost 46 you are stunned to see you are almost there.  There is no way I will be 46 in 12 days.  Just not possible.  Yet, that is what is happening.  Where have the 46 years gone?  Just yesterday I was a carefree little girl playing with my Barbies.  Looking back, things have happened in my life that have not been the best.  My dads promises and then leaving probably is one of the most traumatic.  I don't know if I have posted this before but when I was 10 my babysitters teenager also molested me several times.  I was truly unhappy.  I missed my dad, I missed my mom even though she was there physically.  I started acting like a spoiled brat.  I was hurting and the only way I knew how to deal with it was to act out.  I didn't get involved in drinking, I didn't get involved in drugs, I didn't get involved with sleeping around but I got so angry.  I was mean to my mom, I cried to get my way, I tried to make people like me but didn't care that I was hurting my mom.  Was I doing it because I was blaming her for my dad leaving and for her shutting down?  I don't know.  I just know that I did not like myself back them.  I was "fat", I didn't take care of myself cleanwise, back then the clothes for "fat" kids were terrible and I always felt ugly. 
I am still struggling 46 years into my life.  I have a good job but there have been so many changes and the style of the new people is making me feel so insecure again.  I was doing well and then these changes happened.  I don't trust my ability to do a good job.  Even when I get all my work done I am constantly wondering what the next problem will be?   I feel like I am under a microscope.  One of my friends told me to just try to take the "direction" I am getting from my new "leaders" as what they are meant to be, growth opportunities.  It is not easy and I don't feel like they are trying to help me.  I am at the top of the paygrade for my department.  I don't have anything in common with my co-workers.  I feel like they are trying to get me to leave.  See, the paranoia is there all the time. 
So, what do I need to do?  I need to CHANGE MY THINKING.  Yes, I may need to find another job.  We will see.  I just had to get a "new" used car, I am getting ready to move so this is the next step. 
Right now I want to go get icecream or something to eat.  I am stressed just to be writing this and I want to turn to food. 
The way I could get this started is by joining the program at OSU.  I have some money left from the car.  I need to make sure my car doesn't need work but then I will join this program.  We will see how it goes.
Thanks for any prayers.

Clayton's Wedding?

Just typing that title makes me feel really old!!!!  Clayton is not old enough to get married.  If you don't know who Clayton is then you have missed out.  He is my oldest "nephew" and my fellow Steeler fan.  I have known his mom since she was 14 years old and held Clayton in the hospital when he was only a few hours old.

Now he is dating a wonderful young lady named Rachel.  They are both in their very early 20's so I guess they are old enough to talk marriage.  Clayton has mentioned that he would like to get married in August of 2014.  That is 17 months away.  Now, I know in most of my posts lately I have talked about goals and dreams and stuff.  I am still struggling with these areas.  This, however, does give me a reason to want to try to lose the weight.  It also gives me a goal date.  17 months is just about the right amount of time for me to lose the weight I need to be healthy.  I would love to be able to have one of his brother's walk escort me down to the family section and feel good about how I looked and also because I was able to walk without pain. 

So, I will try to keep you updated and if you can tell me how the time passed so quickly I would really appreciate it. 

Not even sure what to title this

For so many years I watched my mom change into someone who was lonely, angry and depressed. I was so frustrated with her. Mad that she wouldn't get up and help herself. Well, as I am coming up on my 46th birthday, single, not a mom, almost to be homeless, broke, grotesquely obese and in a lot of pain I can almost empathize with her. I don't agree with it and I still wish she could have made the changes needed and I know that I have the same opportunity but it is really hard when you just don't feel like you are lovable or worth it.

My boss was trying to give me constructive critism today and I have been crying ever since because I feel like I can't even do that stuff right. And all I want to do is come home and have my husband take me in his arms, hold me and tell me that it will be okay and yet, I can't because my cat is the only one here.

I also was thinking that I don't have anyone to call and cry to because I complain all the time and I am tired of it so I am sure my friends are tired of it even more. I just feel so alone right now. I know that God is there but without having someone physically here it is hard.

Lord, I am so sorry that I am acting like this. I know you love me and that you only want the best for me. I just feel so alone right now. I know that in order to make the changes I need in my life then I have to trust you for my future even though to me it looks blank. I don't even know what my dreams are any more. I just pray that you will never give up on me and that you will help me through this period right now. I do love you and thank you for my life. You have a plan and I know this can be used. I just pray that I don't give up.

In Jesus' Name, Amen

Dresses

Okay, I am watching "Say Yes to the Dress" and it makes me start to dream.  Now, I may never get married.  So far, the Lord has not brought me someone.  Well, I have decided that I wanted some evening gowns to look at and use for inspiration.  Below are several that I really love.  The colors may not be exactly right but the styles are what I like.  Now, you are looking at these dresses and me and going, "Okay, she is off her rocker" but these are goal dresses.  I am not sure where I will wear one of these dresses but maybe when I hit my goal weight I will throw a dinner party and have everyone dress up so I can wear one of these dresses.  We will see.  So, here is the fashion show via pictures.  Enjoy.

They eat what?

Okay, I am watching a 20/20 special about the People Magazine people who are half their size.  It is so sad to see people say they used to eat almost 7,000 calories before lunch, a sandwich, a pound of bacon, and a lot of other things and they are taller than me and weighed 426 pounds.  I eat a small breakfast, and yes, I don't eat the most healthy stuff but I don't eat anywhere near what they eat and I weigh 10 pounds less.  Is my metabolism just that horrible or are they lying?  I just get so frustrated. 

I know I don't post often.  I am sort of trying.  I have started drinking 30 to 60 ounces of water a day (I do have to put a Crystal Light in there but...)  and I am wearing a thing called "Slimcoach" that I got for Christmas.  It keeps track of my movements and many things.  I did move up from a turtle to a penguin today.  The only problem is that it stopped working at about 3pm today and didn't start again until I recharged it tonight (it wasn't out of batteries so I am not sure what happened).  Anyway, I am hoping it is starting to get me on the right track.

Keep praying if you are reading this and if you have any idea's on why some people eat 12,000 or more caleries a day and I eat less than that but weigh the same, I would love to hear.

God bless,
Karen