Chicago Med was on last night. It is a show that follows the doctors at a hospital in Chicago (go figure?) The episode last night had me really struggling. There was a patient that was brought in because she had been struggling with Anorexia. She had been fighting the disorder for 15 years. At one point the Psychologist talked her into having a feeding tube put in her nose with 3000 calories of food. As soon as the food started to go through the tube she pulled it out and refused to have the treatment. She had had enough. She died a few hours later.
Now how does this relate to me and why did I struggle so much after watching? Anorexia is a much more severe eating disorder than obesity but in some ways they have a lot in common. Both have to do with emotions, both have to do with control. Watching this character (the actress actually looked anorexic) not want to fight for her life made me stop and ask myself why I'm doing the same thing to the other extreme?
I have "been" on a program called RealAppeal for the last 9 months. This is a FREE program through my insurance company. It gave me the scales, measuring cups, smoothie mixer, books, recipes, weekly meetings and computer information to lose the weight. I should be down 100 lbs by now. I have not lost anything. I fluctuate between 440-455.
So in my thinking and the way my mind works I am trying to figure out what my reasoning is to lose this weight. I have not children of my own, I have never been married or even on a date, no one ever comes over to my apartment, I work at a great company but am not doing anything there to make a difference, every time I try to help someone in need it goes no where. I just don't know why I should lose the weight and try to be around another 30 years. Especially if I lose the weight I will need to have skin removal surgery and I don't have the time or the money for that expensive things. Even if I learn to save money I don't get paid for any days off that I take so...
All the kids I have been doing things for are getting older and we spend less time together. Clayton and I used to do things all the time together. Now he has been married for a few years, lives in Arlington, Ohio and I see him a few times a year. Occasionally I will get a snapchat from him but that is about all. Philip is in college and works, Matthew lives on campus now. When we play games sometimes it is like pulling teeth to get Anna to play. I'm just not needed as much anymore. It is really hard to admit that. I know that being needed isn't what should define me or my legacy but it still hurts.
Last night I cried out to God to show me a reason to fight. A reason to want to get healthy. A legacy that I can provide. I told Him that I know He should be all I need but that is hard for me to do.
Today, as I am writing this, I keep "hearing" a "still small voice" in my head telling me to just lose the weight and trust. That there is something wonderful waiting for me and that it will be worth the fight. Now, if I can just listen and obey.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your love. Thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for allowing each one of us to vent, cry, feel sorry for ourselves, question our purpose. Thank you for just being you. Thank you for the "still small voice" that You are speaking to me today. Please help me to listen. But not to just listen but to heed the voice. Help me to trust that You have something bigger, better and more beautiful waiting for me. Help me to stop being in my head and to get into your word. Lord, I am scared, I am frustrated, I am angry. Help me to let those feelings go and to learn from them and to start living a life that is pleasing to you. A life that will direct others to your love, your legacy and your salvation. In Jesus' name, Amen
Philipians 4:13 - I can do all this through him who gives me strength (NIV)
Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."
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