April 30, 2018 I changed my Instagram page name to Karens_Journey_to_Health. My goal was to bring you all along on my journey to losing weight and getting physically and mentally healthy. I was 443.6 pounds when I posted the first picture on the new journey. All excited and ready to go. Ready to inspire not only you all but myself as well.
Fast forward to April 30, 2020. I weigh 433ish pounds. (My scale needs a new battery so I am not sure of the actual weight but...). In two years I have lost 34 pounds from my "starting" weight (53 from my highest) and gained back 24 of those pounds. I have gone ANOTHER 2 years of watching life go by. Of missing out on activities. Of being able to take a bath instead of a shower. Of just living. And over that 2 years I have once again shown myself and others that I am all talk and no action.
I don't know why I am so disappointed in myself. It is the same old pattern over and over again. I get so excited about something and really think I'm going to do it this time and then all of the sudden 2 years have gone by and I am at the same place as I was before. Only this time the anger, frustration and disappointment are magnified. I am fighting the urge to just say I give up completely and to let whatever happens happen. There is a part of me that keeps saying that I am never going to lose this weight. I'm never going to accomplish any goal I set for myself so I might as well just eat what I want and who cares.
BUT there is still a part of me that wants to and knows that I can make the changes needed. I can accomplish those goals. I can live the life that God wants for me. And I know that as long as that part of me still exists there is still hope.
I don't doubt that God loves me and that He wants the best for me. I have seen too many times an answer to a prayer that sometimes I didn't even pray yet. But I do know that until I truly surrender my life to Him that I am going to continue to struggle.
These almost 53 years have been hard. I know that others have it harder than me and sometimes I struggle with that as well. But the years have been. So many disappointments and heartaches. So many losses and hurts. So much playing the victim card. I don't know what the next years entail. Only God knows that. But I just hope and pray that with God's help, I can prove to myself and others that I can accomplish something. That I am worth fighting for. That my journey to health can be just that. A journey to physical and emotional health. To break this pattern of repeated starts but no finishes.
God, thank you for the last 53 years. Thank you for all you have blessed me with. All the people in my life and the health you have given me. Thank you for loving me even when I try to be unlovable. Lord, I do ask that we can get this journey moving in the right direction and that you would help me to not stop this time. That you would be able to use the things I have done (or not done as the case may be) to show me that I can accomplish anything if it is your will and I truly try. Not just say I'm going to try, but actually put in the effort.
Lord, I love you and thank you for your Son. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
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