God's Prayer Answer?

Wow, I am not even sure where to begin. If you have been reading this blog then you know that one of the main reasons I have struggled with my weight is because my mom and I have been co-dependent together. I have written several times about the emotional struggles that we have had. Well, I wondered after she attempted to take her life in September why she wasn't successful if she was just going to continue to be sick and struggle. I think I have figured a part of it out. Our relationship has been a struggle for my entire life. I blamed her for so many things in my life. This was not fair to her but it is what happened. I have been taking care of her with a bad attitude. Well, the last 4 months we have had an opportunity to work on our relationship. I was able to tell her I loved her several times and we were finally able to talk about some things. Well, I think the reason that she survived the overdose was so that we can make our relationship better. Unfortunately, we only had the 3 months. I checked on her on Tuesday, December 15th and she was playing on the computer and ate a sub I brought. At 11:45pm that night I got a call from the care center telling me that she had pushed her alert button because she was having trouble breathing again. I was pretty mad at her for waiting until so late at night to make the call. I got up, got dressed and by the time I got to her house which is 5 minutes from me, she was in full cardiac arrest. The paramedics were doing CPR but they were unable to get a pulse. They rushed her to the hospital and the doctor's got a pulse for a few minutes but the doctor told me it looked bad. Phil and Sue Miller came to be with me that night and they will never know how much that meant to me. Also, a friend from high school was working in the ER that night too and he came in the room. The doctor came in a few minutes later and told me that he had done everything he could but he was unable to save my mom. My mom passed away almost 3 months to the day that she had attempted to take her life.

As it snows outside I feel such a sense of aloneness but yet a sense of relief. Aloneness because she is basically the only one who calls me on the phone. I am not much of a phone person but if we didn't talk everyday I would be concerned. The relief comes in a few forms. One is that I was not looking forward to figuring out how to handle the winter. She would have basically be housebound and that would have made her depression so much worse. She doesn't have to worry about that now. She would have relyed on me so much more and it was already hard to keep up with her needs and all the things that I have to do.

There is also fear on my part. Fear that if something ever happens to me who will know my wishes, will there be anyone who will be willing to go through all my stuff. When I have a hard time with losing my mom will I have anyone who will be there just to hold me? Also, as I have mentioned earlier, we were both co-dependents. Now my "excuse" for not losing weight, for not saving money, for all the things that I blamed my mom on is not there. Will I be able to make the changes that are needed? I am really struggling with the right side of my body. It hurts from the shoulder all the way down to my leg. When I sit for even a short period of time I have a hard time standing and then walking. It takes a few minutes to be able to walk. It scares me. I don't want to end up in a wheelchair and with a shortened life like my mom had.

I just ask for prayer as I transition through this new chapter in my life. As I said earlier, 2009 has not been a good year. I am praying that 2010 is a good year and that the changes needed to live a life that glorifies God will take place.

God Bless,
Karen