A prayer answered - Where to go from here?

I haven't written about this because I didn't even know how to write it.  I didn't know my feelings.  I didn't know what to say.

As you have read in earlier blog posts my parents were separated when I was 7 months old and divorced when I was 1 1/2.  I saw my dad on and off until I was 8.  At that time he came up to visit at Christmas.  We took him to a small airport not too far from my house as he was learning to fly.  He promised that he would call and send cards and see us as often as possible.  That never happened.

Every day after school I would rush home to check the mail to see if the letter came.  Every birthday and holiday I would wait to see if the present came or the call came to wish me whatever it happened to be.  It never happened.

A few months ago his name appeared on Facebook and since my cousin had friended him I thought I would as well.  I never posted anything or said anything to him as I wasn't convinced it was him.  On my birthday the first message I got was from him.  To say I was surprised was an understatement.  40 years between birthday wishes.  I sent him a message and asked him to tell me something that only he and I would know to prove it was him.  A week or so later I got an instant message from him saying he had tried to send me an email but he had the wrong address.  I gave him the right address and he forwarded the email.  It was him.

We have exchanged several emails and phone calls since that time.  He explained that at the time he left, mom gave him an ultimatum.  Be a Husband and dad or nothing.  I explained that it was very hard on me because I have felt my entire life that I was never good enough to fight for.  He knows he should have fought for us and he does regret it.  It cost him his children.

I am thankful that God has answered that prayer in His time.  I don't know why it took almost 41 years and why I got the one response from him 26 years ago and then nothing.  I guess it wasn't the right time.  I look forward to getting to know him and Carol and her children.

The where to go from here part is that I have used the excuse of my dad abandoning me and mom not being there emotionally all these years as a way to be the victim.  Those excuses are gone.  My dad did love us and just wasn't able to be a grown up about it.  My mom did the best she could being a mom and dad.  She probably had some guilt about him not being in our lives as well.

I am a grown up now.  I am not the lost little girl who feels abandoned.  But this is all I have ever known.  This person.  The one who uses every excuse to avoid the work, avoid the relationships, to avoid being who God wants me to be.   I am SO SCARED!!!  I just don't even want to turn it over to God and truly let go.  I want to hold onto the excuses.  To continue to be who I am even though I don't like this person.  I have wasted so many years being someone that has missed out on so much and I hate that.  I am just so "comfortable" in being that person that I don't want to do the work to become someone different, someone that can make a difference.

I am still praying for that actor I mentioned a few posts ago.  I so want to reach out to him and explain the truth to him but I don't know how to do it without sounding judgmental.  I don't know why this particular person was put on my heart.  I truly think God is calling me to reach out to him but my fear of stepping out of my comfort zone continues to haunt me.  Stopping me from doing what I am asked to do.

So, I guess if you are reading this please pray that I start realizing that my past is not who I am.  That I will be able to truly turn it over to God and to let it go.  To become the person that He wants me to be.  The person who can spread His truth without fear.

God bless,
Karen

Regrets

Regrets, Webster defines it as: a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.

I hate that word.  It should be a word that is not allowed to be spoken or felt.  Yesterday I NEEDED to call my brother.  I was driving to the city to get some permits and I was in tears because we hardly ever talk.  It was just something that I had to do.  Last night I was able to call him and he actually answered his phone.  We only talked for a few minutes but it was so nice to hear his voice.

Today I was going over to drop off Mikayla's present for Phil and Sue to take to Georgia tomorrow and I drove down Alkire.  I came to the bridge.  It went from a bridge that 2 cars could barely get through at the same time to a bridge that is so big they could probably bring a ferris wheel through.  It reminded me that mom never got to see that.  We went through that old bridge hundreds of times.  She would have laughed at the new bridge.  It was done several years ago but since she has been gone for 6 1/2 years she didn't get to see it. Then I went by my street that I grew up on.  

It just really hit me that I miss my life when I was growing up. But it is not what you would think.  I was a very sad young lady.  I was selfish, I was angry, I hurt for the abandonment that my dad did.  I hurt that my mom was so sad that she gave up on life when I was young.  I was sad that I wasn't desirable.  I miss that I wasted the last 48 years.  I have had so many opportunities and blessings.  I have walked away from so much.  I was in honors orchestra in middle school but I walked away.  I never took my lunch tray up because I was afraid of people.  I didn't join the school plays, I didn't join the softball team.  I let my anger and fears rob me of a life.  God has answered so many of my prayers over the years and I still waste each opportunity.  I look at pictures of me even 7 years ago when I was losing weight.  If I had just kept going I would have been at a healthy weight for at least 5 years.  But no, I turned right back to food.  I got depressed again.  

I have signed up for a weight loss challenge that is over a month gone and today I ate a cheeseburger, 2 chicken strips from Raising Canes, Potato Salad, a huge piece of chocolate cake, chips, a burrito, a taco, a cake pop and 1/2 of a lunch bag of candy.  I haven't been to the gym in almost 2 weeks.  

Last year I wrote that I wanted to go on a trip for my 50th birthday.  That is only 54 weeks away.  I should have been 1/2 my size by now and had several hundred dollars saved up.  Heck, someone even gave me $500 towards that trip last year and I have spent it.  

I know that I can't let all the regrets over these 48 years cause me to give up.  I know that I need to use them and that I am still breathing and as long as the Lord gives me breath I can make the changes needed to be healthy both physically and emotionally but I just don't have the energy to let go of the regrets.  Satan is having way to much power in my life and sometimes I find it so hard to fight him.  I just want to hide in my dirty apartment and say what the heck.  If I just stay here long enough then all the things the doctors say about a morbidly obese person will finally come true.  That thinking then makes me feel even more depressed.

Okay, wow, my posts lately have not been very happy.  I truly do know I am blessed and I know that God is with me.  It is just so hard because I don't feel like I can talk to people about these deep feelings because I have been such a negative person and I would get tired of hearing me say the same things over and over again.  I know I sound like a broken record most of the time.  This blog is becoming my outlet.  I have been to several counselors, I have people praying for me.  I am just not sure what it is going to take to get me moving in the right direction.  It is just easier to be like this.  Again, if you read this blog, thank you for praying.  Please note that this is sort of a way for me to write out my prayer requests.  My way to let the Lord know what is really on my heart.  I know He knows it all and that He is with me and loves me.  One day soon I will get my act on the right tract.

Thank you Lord for letting me cry and vent and list all my heart on this blog.  I know that my information is pretty much the same every time that I cry out to you and that it is nothing new to You.  Thank you that despite all of that You continue to love me.  Amen

Netflix and Sin

Strange title I know.  Sometimes my brain works in weird ways.  

I was introduced to Netflix in late summer or early fall of 2015.  I have watched A LOT of tv shows.  I enjoy the fact that most of them have the entire seasons available so I can just keep watching. 

I have recently finished watching a series on there that was really good.  What I find I do when I watch a show is get fixated (for lack of a better word) on one of the actors.  What I then do is research that person on the World Wide Web.   What I found out about this particular actor actually surprised me.  I figured he was married with a few kids or had been in several relationships.  What I didn't expect to find is that he has struggled with depression most of his life.  He has tried to take his own life and finally "came out" in public not that long ago.  

This completely caught me off guard.  Not sure why.  In Hollywood you never know what you will find and a lot of what you read/hear is not real anyway.  This time, however, I watched a speech he made that explained all of this.  In one part of the speech he mentioned that he now felt a part of a community.  In a book we just finished reading at our Bible Study there was a part about a gang member who tried going to church but he was treated better by the gang he was in then the people at the church.  

I have been so burdened by this actor for the last couple of weeks.  I pray for him every night.  I want him to see the truth.  Not my truth but the truth of God.  I just read an article about homosexuality.  It was in correlation to all the sins found in 1 Timothy 1:8-10 (8 Now we know that the law is good, if one uses it lawfully,9 understanding this, that the law is not laid down for the just but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who strike their fathers and mothers, for murderers,10 the sexually immoral, men who practice homosexuality, enslavers,[b]liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound[c] doctrine, 11 in accordance with the gospel of the glory of the blessed God with which I have been entrusted.) and spoke about how all the other sins are still frowned upon in today's society but homosexuality is actually applauded, celebrated and becoming prevalent.  

I am not writing this trying to be "better" than anyone else.  I, in fact, am a still a sinner.  I struggle with so many things.  The good news is that I have a personal relationship with Jesus.  I struggle every day to make choices that will please Him and honor Him.  That is evident in the fact that I still weigh over 400 lbs and have money problems.  But I do know where my hope comes from.   I do struggle with depression as you saw in my last post.  And I know that my sins are no different than homosexuality.  I just pray for this actor that somehow he will hear the truth.  That he will turn from this sin and that he will come to know Christ.  I am working on the plank in my eye so I want to reiterate that I am not judging him.  That is not my place.  My job is to pray for him.  Pray for all those who have made that choice.  Pray for Christians who struggle with sin.  We are not perfect.  We never will be.  We just need to remember that Christ died on that cross for each and every one of us.  That no matter what our sin is, we can be forgiven and we can turn from that sin.  We don't have to continue living in it.  

Dear Heavenly Father,  thank you for what you are doing in my life.  Thank you that even though I continue to make choices that are opposite than what You want for me, You have not given up on me.  Thank you that I can pray for someone that I have never even met.  Someone that for whatever reason You have laid on my heart.  Help us both to change.  Help us both to turn to you for our happiness, our love, our knowledge that we are loved.  That no matter what anyone says or does that You love us.  You want the best for us.  Lord, I know what I need to do and I pray that I do it.  I pray that this actor you laid on my heart will somehow hear your word and know what he needs to do.  That only through you can he find the happiness and love he has been missing all his life.  If you can use me besides the prayer, please help me to be bold.  Lord, I do love you, I do want to do the right things and I know that if I just step aside and let you work that you have amazing things for me.  In Jesus' name, Amen

The power of words

I am sitting here at 12:16 in the morning on a Saturday night/Sunday morning.  Earlier today I went to see Anna play her flute for her middle school solo and ensemble contest.  Her grandparents, Annie and I were all waiting in the cafeteria for Anna's scores.  We were talking about a police officer who was shot and killed earlier last week.  Annie asked what had happened.  Sue started telling her and at one point I chimed in with a comment trying to add to the details of the story.  I guess it must have struck a nerve with Sue because she looked at me and said, "do you want to tell it?"  I said no. 

Now, that doesn't seem like it should be that life altering.  But, unfortunately, to me it was an affirmation that I am a know-it-all and busy-body.  NOW before you all go telling Sue I said this (even though at this point I am sure I am the only one who reads my blog).  I can tell you that was not her intention.  It is purely my insecurities coming out.  I want so bad to never cause her to be mad at me that when she gets frustrated, whether directly with me or because of something else and I happen to be the person that receives her reaction, it hurts.  It, by far, does not happen often.  I very seldom see her get upset with people in that aspect.  But the few times that it has happened where I have been the recipient of it, I have hurt for days.  I continue to dwell on it.  I get more upset the longer I think about it.  I have been crying on and off since around 5pm this evening.  Every time I lay down I start running over in my head how I will apologize to her for interrupting.  I want to just step away from the entire family.  I get it in my head that if I say or do anything that I will be annoying everyone. 

It is just so hard.  The older I get and the longer I am alone the more I struggle with the fact that I am just tolerated by people.  Sure, people say I am nice sometimes but then why don't they want to hang out with me?  Why have I never been on a date?  Why does no one ever want to come over?  Why am I alone more than I am with people?  It just makes me think that I am just not lovable and there is something seriously wrong with me.  In my head I know that is not true.  But in my heart all I can see is the loneliness, all the times that I annoy even myself with how I say things to people and react to things.  If I annoy even myself then how much more do I do that to others.  I try so hard to be someone that jokes with people and yet is there for them as well.  But my jokes and attempt at a sense of humor and my "help" just tends to put people off.  I don't know how to do it any other way. 

I know that God has me here for a purpose.  I just struggle with what it is.  When I do things for people I feel like I am only doing them if it benefits me.  I feel like I am not doing it for the right reasons.  I find that I am very judgmental of people and that I take my insecurities out on those that can't benefit me in someway. 

It is 14 months until my 50th birthday and I have not lost a pound.  I have medical bills I can't pay and so am not saving any money for this grand trip I so want to go on next year. 

See, just one small statement from a dear lady has caused me to spiral into this horrible abyss.

Lord, I know that the feelings I am experiencing are not ones you want me to have.  I know you created me in your image and you are beautiful.  I just struggle so much with these insecurities, this fear, this loneliness.  I don't know how to let it go.  I only know how to dwell on these things and the longer I do, the worse they get.  I get so frustrated with myself for feeling this way and yet I can't pull myself up out.  Please Lord, carry me through this and help me to see that I am not a person that is just tolerated.  I know that I am not supposed to worry about what others think of me but if I can't even like myself then how do I expect others to like me?  How do I expect you to like me?  Lord, I struggle so much with truly giving you everything.  I know in my head as well that you are who you say you are but I have been disappointed by so many people including myself in my life that I have a hard time even trusting you.  Even when I've seen your work.  Please don't give up on me.  Please just hug me right now. That is probably the hardest of all.  Not having anyone here to physically hug me, to listen to me, to tell me it's okay and that I am loved.  That I am not as bad as I think I am.  Help me to not rely on others.  Help me to just know that you are enough.  I know it says it in Your word.  It is just sometimes I don't feel it.  Lord, I do love you.  In Jesus' name, amen

Thanks for reading.