Breaking Heart

Wow, 2009 started off very hard with the diagnosis of cancer for Penny. If you don't know exactly who Penny is she is part of a family that I have known since I was 15 years old and who, in the last 20 years, has adopted me. I spend most of my holidays with them, I go to as many of the birthday's as I can. Her parents where there when the doctor told me that he was unable to save my mom.

The year was then followed by my mom's health declining. Especially during the last 4 months of the year.

Well, as you know, mom passed away on December 16, 2009 so I was hoping that 2010 would be better. So far it has not been that way. Two weeks ago they put my grandma, who was 101, into a nursing home. She had lived alone since my grandpa passed away 12 years ago. This past Wednesday I got the phone call that she had passed away. It is so hard to be sad for the loss of someone who had lived 101 years. She is my Grandma and I will miss her but I am so thankful that I had her in my life for so long. There are not many who can have that opportunity.

So, Penny has been fighting this cancer for over a year now. She was doing great until July. In July they did a surgery on the scar from her c-section. When in there they saw more cancer but were unable to remove it. Two weeks later she started having pain and her system was not processing food correctly. Finally in November she went in to the hospital and they found a blockage in her colon. They decided to do a colostomy to remove the blockage. It seemed that it was from the radiation but they found a tumor too so they removed it. A few weeks later, even before she had recovered from the first surgery she started having problems again, this time in her small intestines. She went back in and had surgery to remove that tumor and put a bag on her small intestines. It seems like the next day she started experiencing nausea and vomiting and has been in the hospital more than she has been home. She spent Thanksgiving and part of Christmas in the hospital (she was allowed to come home for Christmas day). She went back in 1 1/2 weeks ago and is still there.

The heart breaking part is that basically there doesn't seem to be anything else they can do. She is on a nutrition thing but that is actually hurting her so they may need to stop it. It is the only thing that is keeping her alive right now. When I went by on Tuesday to spend time with her she seemed to be doing so much better. She was eating and sitting up and looked great. Then they decided to do another test with barium. The barium didn't go anywhere, not her stomach, not her bags, nowhere. After that time she has gotten really bad with the nausea and sickness again. She can't eat anything.

I know that God can work a miracle and maybe He is waiting until everyone steps back and then He will step in and show his power and heal her. He also may choose to take her home. She is a wife (her anniversary of 7 years is this Monday) and a mother of 4 of the most beautiful children. It is just so hard to understand. I have no one that is counting on me, no husband, no children and not even my mom is here. I sometimes wonder why God chooses someone like Penny and not someone who isn't needed or loved so much. (I am not trying to say I am not loved or needed but I wouldn't be leaving a family like hers behind) Maybe He knows what a testimony and impact someone like Penny will have and has had so far on so many? There are 254 people in her Facebook group. There are many more who are praying for her and the family. When we would get down, she is the one who encourages us.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for being here for all of us. You know my heart and you know how broken it is right now. I am struggling so hard not to give up on you working that miracle but as a person who has lost so many friends and family I am really not doing well with this. Thank you for loving me dispite my uncertainty, fear and lack of faith. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

He Is by Mark Shultz

As I left church tonight I was pretty down. Obviously I am still working through mom passing away in December, I found out today that my 101 year old Grandma has been put in a nursing home because of her health and my friend, Penny, is not doing well. I am struggling with my shoulder pain and still in the running for the achilles tendon surgery in March. I am also so disgusted with myself because I am reverting to the horrible way of eating that I have done in the past instead of facing up to my stress and sadness and fear. Only this time it seems to be worse. Saturday I cooked an entire bag of those mini premade cookies that all you have to break apart and bake. I ATE EVERY ONE OF THEM!!!! Then yesterday I ate 2 cookies and icecream from Dairy Queen and a lot of other stuff. Today I ate 3 pieces of corn bread, a cookie, a bag of jelly beans and a piece of cheesecake and many other things.

Well, when I was driving home the below song came on the radio. What a message from God. Now if I can just turn to Him and not food then maybe I will get somewhere.

Mark Schultz - He Is From the album Come Alive
Father let the world just fade away
Let me feel Your presence in this place
Lord I've never been so weary
How I need to know You're near me
Father let the world just fade away
'Til I'm on my knees
'Til my heart can sing
He is
He was
He always will be
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
He is
Father let Your Holy Spirit sing
Let it calm this storm inside of me
As I stand amazed
Lift my hands and say
He is
He was
He always will be
He lives
He loves
He's always with me
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still my soul
Through every fear
And every doubt
In every tear I shed
Down every road I'm not alone
No matter where I am
He is
He was
He always will be
He lives
He loves
He's always with me
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still my soul
Be still and know
Be still my soul
He is
Label: Word / Curb / Warner Bros.

Potential Surgery

Okay, so I have posted that I have a torn Achilles Tendon. I spoke with my doctor's office this week and even though it is not official the nurse was pretty sure that I would have surgery and that I will be off 3 MONTHS!!!!! at a minimum. 2 of those months I would be completely off my foot. This is not a good thing.

First of all I only have enough time, starting March 14th, to cover 2 months, 1 week and 1 day. That means I will not take any other days off between now and March 14th of 2011. Also, what will I do about money. This estimate is a minimum. I plan on doing everything the doctor tells me but you never know.

I know that I am borrowing trouble by worrying about it now. Christ says in Matthew 6:27 (New International Version) "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" But not worrying is hard for me to do.

The other concern I have is that I don't want to have to rely on anyone to help take care of me. After spending so much time seeing mom rely on everyone else to solve her problems and take care of her I am the opposite. I don't want to have to have anyone help me. I have also been let down in the past by the people that I was supposed to be able to rely on and so even though so many of my friends have volunteered to be there for me and help I am fearful that they will not come through. That is not fair to them. I know this in my mind but still struggle with it. This is something that the Lord and I have to work on these next two months leading up to the potential surgery. It is a HUGE stumbling block for me. I know this but again struggle with not having these feelings.

Finally I need to lose as much weight as I can between now and March 15th. When I started my weight loss journey I lost 36 pounds in the same time period. I was not doing much exercising then so if I can keep up with my upper body and core exercises and go back to eating the way I was back then I will be able to do the same or better. So far I have been doing okay. Not 100% but better than I have been. Struggling more this time but...

So, I covet your prayers during this time. If you are one of the many who have offered to help in any way you can please know that I will take you up on it. I just have to check my insecurity and pride at the door. I have a hard time trusting and it has nothing to do with any of you. I love you and appreciate all you do.

God Bless,
Karen