Relationships...

In this process of my journey I have been doing a lot of thinking. I know that I have mentioned that before and will probably mention that again. The only way to get through this is to evaluate and reevaluate. I have to ask myself a lot of questions and look deep inside to see what kind of person I have been that put me at 400 pounds and what kind of person I want to be.

There are a lot of things that I don’t like about myself. One of the biggest is that, a lot of you may see a giving and caring person but I feel like that I only do something if it will benefit me by giving me credit or validation that what I am doing is a good thing and making me “look” like a good person. Please don’t respond and say that I am because then I will think that you are saying that because I am making you feel guilty or sorry for me. (Another one of my specialties). I tell everyone too much information right away, again being the victim and hoping that someone will like me because they feel sorry for me.

See, these are the goofy thoughts that are going through my head. This is some of the reason that I hit 400 pounds.

Now I titled this post “Relationships”. Here is why. God has blessed me with a lot of special people in my life (which I tend to overlook and just look at what I don’t have) but the one thing I have never had is a dating relationship. I have never been on a date, have never held someone’s hand, etc. I have never been loved like a man loves a woman. I know that I am basing my happiness on another person and that is why I am doing this self-evaluation. I don’t want to do that. I want to put my happiness into God’s hand because we are all sinners and will let each other down even if we don’t mean to.

Okay, so the next thought is that I will most likely get to go on that first date in the near future. So, how do I answer that poor guy when he starts asking questions about how I handled my past relationships? And when I tell him that I haven’t even been on a date how will he react?

AHHHHHHHHH, borrowing trouble without trusting that God is in control and will answer all of these questions for me in His time. Thanks for listening.

God Bless,
Karen