Okay, I am watching a 20/20 special about the People Magazine people who are half their size. It is so sad to see people say they used to eat almost 7,000 calories before lunch, a sandwich, a pound of bacon, and a lot of other things and they are taller than me and weighed 426 pounds. I eat a small breakfast, and yes, I don't eat the most healthy stuff but I don't eat anywhere near what they eat and I weigh 10 pounds less. Is my metabolism just that horrible or are they lying? I just get so frustrated.
I know I don't post often. I am sort of trying. I have started drinking 30 to 60 ounces of water a day (I do have to put a Crystal Light in there but...) and I am wearing a thing called "Slimcoach" that I got for Christmas. It keeps track of my movements and many things. I did move up from a turtle to a penguin today. The only problem is that it stopped working at about 3pm today and didn't start again until I recharged it tonight (it wasn't out of batteries so I am not sure what happened). Anyway, I am hoping it is starting to get me on the right track.
Keep praying if you are reading this and if you have any idea's on why some people eat 12,000 or more caleries a day and I eat less than that but weigh the same, I would love to hear.
God bless,
Karen
Friday, January 4, 2013
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Dreams
Wow, it has been a wonderful weekend spent with 8,000 women and a few men. Women of Faith was in town last night and today. I have the opportunity, due to my job, to get complimentary tickets each year. This year my dear friend, Annie, went with me. I know I was blessed and I am hoping she was as well.
Now for the title of my post. Dreams. I remember when I was a little girl playing with my Barbies on the floor. I would always have Barbie marry Ken and they would have a lot of children. I would read fiction love stories for teens that would have "happily ever after" endings. I would see movies and be in love with the romantic "chick flicks". My dream as a little girl and teen and to this day was to be a wife and a mother. In the last few weeks I am really struggling because it seems that God does not have this dream in His plans for me. That breaks my heart. I am now 45 and the opportunity to carry a child has pretty much passed. It is not impossible but not likely, though Sarah did have Isaac when she was 100. I watch my younger co-workers or friends who've carried a child and wonder what that would feel like to have a person moving around inside of you. To watch the ultrasounds show a little peanut turn into a living breathing child and know that it was my heart that was the Lifeline for those 9 months. What it would be like to sit on the couch and have my husband put his hand on my belly to feel his child move. To see the wonder on his face when that child came into the world.
I wonder what it would be like to walk in the door at night and know that there was someone to talk about my day with, to share the ups and downs, to hold me when I had a bad day or to celebrate with me when I had a good day. To spend time in God's word with, to challenge me to be more like God. To be the leader of our home.
I wonder and I have dreamed of all these things and more but so far, God has not chosen that path for me. It hurts because I know in His word that He says to come to him and he will give me the desires of my heart. So, I am struggling with this area. If this is not in his plan then why is it such a desire in my heart? Why does it hurt so much when another year comes and goes and He doesn't answer that prayer? Or the answer is no.
I don't doubt that his plans and his ways are far better than mine but, as a human, I still question.
The next part of the dream part is what are the dreams he has for me if it is not to be a wife and mother? See, I did so well losing weight 5 years ago because I think that I believed there was still a chance for that family. Now, I am 5 years older, my body hurts a lot more and I don't really know what the purpose of losing weight is for? I was talking to my PT yesterday morning and we were talking about me losing the weight and I told her that since the only dream I seem to have had doesn't look like it is going to happen then I feel like it is not even worth it to lose the weight. Sure, there are superfiscial things that I would like to do, ride a roller coaster, go to a dude ranch, etc. but I don't have a dream.
Now, before you all jump on here (okay, the few who still read this blog) and start reminding me that I need to be healthy because my body is a temple of the Lords and that he has lent me this body and one of my responsibilities is to take care of that and all the other things. Just know you don't have to. I know those things. I wish that it was easy for me to just give it all up to God and say, "Okay, I don't know what you have in store for me but here I am. I will lose this weight not for a husband, not for notoriety, not for anything but to be healthy for you." It is not. I have looked so long at the earthly things and been so disappointed in my life, some from what others have done to me and mostly from the decisions I have made (or not made as the case may be) that I feel like I have to hold onto this. This is all I know. It is easier to be the negative person. To find the excuses. To keep taking back the "control" that I try to give to God. I hate that about me. I want so much to be able to just make that decision but without a "dream" to fight for, I feel like it isn't even worth it. That if I do have a little success I will just put it back on because there is no dream to reach for. I have been challenged by my counselor to find some rewards for the small successes as I lose weight. The only one I can think of is when I lose enough weight to walk around easier then I will be able to take my nieces and nephews to play miniture golf or to COSI or to the Zoo. Places that require walking and doing things. That is the only one I can come up with for short term rewards.
I don't know if it is because I feel I don't "deserve" to have these rewards or what but I just can't seem to "dream" or have something to look foward to.
I am sorry for rambling but I wanted to put these thoughts down so that if you are still reading this you would know how to pray.
God Bless,
Karen
Now for the title of my post. Dreams. I remember when I was a little girl playing with my Barbies on the floor. I would always have Barbie marry Ken and they would have a lot of children. I would read fiction love stories for teens that would have "happily ever after" endings. I would see movies and be in love with the romantic "chick flicks". My dream as a little girl and teen and to this day was to be a wife and a mother. In the last few weeks I am really struggling because it seems that God does not have this dream in His plans for me. That breaks my heart. I am now 45 and the opportunity to carry a child has pretty much passed. It is not impossible but not likely, though Sarah did have Isaac when she was 100. I watch my younger co-workers or friends who've carried a child and wonder what that would feel like to have a person moving around inside of you. To watch the ultrasounds show a little peanut turn into a living breathing child and know that it was my heart that was the Lifeline for those 9 months. What it would be like to sit on the couch and have my husband put his hand on my belly to feel his child move. To see the wonder on his face when that child came into the world.
I wonder what it would be like to walk in the door at night and know that there was someone to talk about my day with, to share the ups and downs, to hold me when I had a bad day or to celebrate with me when I had a good day. To spend time in God's word with, to challenge me to be more like God. To be the leader of our home.
I wonder and I have dreamed of all these things and more but so far, God has not chosen that path for me. It hurts because I know in His word that He says to come to him and he will give me the desires of my heart. So, I am struggling with this area. If this is not in his plan then why is it such a desire in my heart? Why does it hurt so much when another year comes and goes and He doesn't answer that prayer? Or the answer is no.
I don't doubt that his plans and his ways are far better than mine but, as a human, I still question.
The next part of the dream part is what are the dreams he has for me if it is not to be a wife and mother? See, I did so well losing weight 5 years ago because I think that I believed there was still a chance for that family. Now, I am 5 years older, my body hurts a lot more and I don't really know what the purpose of losing weight is for? I was talking to my PT yesterday morning and we were talking about me losing the weight and I told her that since the only dream I seem to have had doesn't look like it is going to happen then I feel like it is not even worth it to lose the weight. Sure, there are superfiscial things that I would like to do, ride a roller coaster, go to a dude ranch, etc. but I don't have a dream.
Now, before you all jump on here (okay, the few who still read this blog) and start reminding me that I need to be healthy because my body is a temple of the Lords and that he has lent me this body and one of my responsibilities is to take care of that and all the other things. Just know you don't have to. I know those things. I wish that it was easy for me to just give it all up to God and say, "Okay, I don't know what you have in store for me but here I am. I will lose this weight not for a husband, not for notoriety, not for anything but to be healthy for you." It is not. I have looked so long at the earthly things and been so disappointed in my life, some from what others have done to me and mostly from the decisions I have made (or not made as the case may be) that I feel like I have to hold onto this. This is all I know. It is easier to be the negative person. To find the excuses. To keep taking back the "control" that I try to give to God. I hate that about me. I want so much to be able to just make that decision but without a "dream" to fight for, I feel like it isn't even worth it. That if I do have a little success I will just put it back on because there is no dream to reach for. I have been challenged by my counselor to find some rewards for the small successes as I lose weight. The only one I can think of is when I lose enough weight to walk around easier then I will be able to take my nieces and nephews to play miniture golf or to COSI or to the Zoo. Places that require walking and doing things. That is the only one I can come up with for short term rewards.
I don't know if it is because I feel I don't "deserve" to have these rewards or what but I just can't seem to "dream" or have something to look foward to.
I am sorry for rambling but I wanted to put these thoughts down so that if you are still reading this you would know how to pray.
God Bless,
Karen
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Another year has come and gone...
In 24 hours and 11 minutes I will officially be 45 years old. I can't believe I am typing this. Just yesterday I was 3 years old and tomorrow I will be an age that I thought was OLD when I was a little girl. We did a survey at church tonight and there were a lot of questions. Most of them I answered in a negative way because that is how I feel. One of the questions was to write three strengths that I have. That was at 6:45pm and I am still trying to even figure out one strength. Right now, I can't. Now, don't everyone jump on here and start listing them because that is not why I am writing this. The reason I am writing this is because I want to come up with those three things. I want to become closer to God and let Him show me those things.
Tomorrow, on my 45th birthday, I want to start living. I want to stop being so afraid of life and step out of my comfort zone. I am not sure how or what I am going to do to accomplish this but one of the things I need to do, and the main priority, is to start spending time with God.
Will keep you posted...
God bless,
Karen
Tomorrow, on my 45th birthday, I want to start living. I want to stop being so afraid of life and step out of my comfort zone. I am not sure how or what I am going to do to accomplish this but one of the things I need to do, and the main priority, is to start spending time with God.
Will keep you posted...
God bless,
Karen
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Women's Retreat 2012
I was just sitting in Dairy Queen with my "family" and we were talking about riding horses at Skyview. I realized that in 4 months and 3 weeks I will be at the ladies retreat at Skyview. It hit me that if I stay at this current weight I will not be able to even really walk from the cabins to the main dining hall for sessions, let alone do anything else around camp. I have never been able to ride one of the horses, I can't do the zip line, I can't even hardly walk up or down the stairs.
So, I have created a calender so I can mark off the days. I have a pretty messed up right ankle and knee so the only exercising I can really do is water. I will start that tomorrow night. I have to go to the grocery and will get healthy stuff. I have to do this. Not so I can get around camp, not so I can ride a horse, not so I can even zip line but so that I can live, I can walk, I can do what the Lord has in store for me. One of my friends put someone on his facebook status about how glutony is as much a sin as other things that seem to divide the country. Well, he is right. The Bible is clear on that. I don't want to be disobedient. I have to do this for Him.
Please pray that I can take it one meal at a time again and use Skyview as one of my first big rewards for losing the weight.
God Bless,
Karen
So, I have created a calender so I can mark off the days. I have a pretty messed up right ankle and knee so the only exercising I can really do is water. I will start that tomorrow night. I have to go to the grocery and will get healthy stuff. I have to do this. Not so I can get around camp, not so I can ride a horse, not so I can even zip line but so that I can live, I can walk, I can do what the Lord has in store for me. One of my friends put someone on his facebook status about how glutony is as much a sin as other things that seem to divide the country. Well, he is right. The Bible is clear on that. I don't want to be disobedient. I have to do this for Him.
Please pray that I can take it one meal at a time again and use Skyview as one of my first big rewards for losing the weight.
God Bless,
Karen
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Where does the time go?
I can't believe it is already December 4, 2011. Only 27 days left in 2011. It sure has flown. You know. One of the things that has really bugged me the last 44 1/2 years of my life is my negativity and procrastination. I have been so down lately because I constantly am finding the negative in a situation. Then I get so angry with myself!!!!! Right now I am fighting loneliness and frustration with stupid things to continue to talk to myself negatively. Once again my silly brain is telling me I am not worth losing weight. That I am not worth it. See, THAT MAKES ME SO MAD!!!
I just started getting back into working out and I feel at work 3 weeks ago and I am still hurting. Everytime I start to do something with my legs my right leg hurts horribly. How am I supposed to work out with the pain?
Well, you know what, I start by changing my eating habits and then once I have some weight off I start slowly strengthing the right leg.
Oh well, not sure what the goal of this post is about but just pray. Please. Pray that I am so angry at myself right now that I do something positive with this anger. That I realize that if I don't like where my life is right now then I need to do something about it!!!!
Thanks,
God Bless.
I just started getting back into working out and I feel at work 3 weeks ago and I am still hurting. Everytime I start to do something with my legs my right leg hurts horribly. How am I supposed to work out with the pain?
Well, you know what, I start by changing my eating habits and then once I have some weight off I start slowly strengthing the right leg.
Oh well, not sure what the goal of this post is about but just pray. Please. Pray that I am so angry at myself right now that I do something positive with this anger. That I realize that if I don't like where my life is right now then I need to do something about it!!!!
Thanks,
God Bless.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Thoughts
You know, one thing at work that they do every year is have a survey of employees to see how they think the company is doing and as employees, how we are being treated. One of the questions these last two years has been, "do you have a best friend at work". I can 100% say that I do not have a best friend at work. There are a few people that I really like and if I were to leave the company, I might keep in touch with but it hit me tonight that if I left the company right now there is not one person who I currently work directly with that I would keep in touch with. I am not saying that they are bad people at all. They are just as different from me as could be. I have nothing in common with any of them. They all have so much in common and love to do the same things and it is complete opposite of what I enjoy doing. I try to fit in and talk about things that they like but it really doesn't make a difference. The one person who I had even a little in common with left yesterday. She is the only one who visited me while I was recuperating from my foot surgery. I feel so lost and alone there right now. I am also struggling with what I am doing now too. I am SO THANKFUL that I have a job!!! I am truly blessed but I just feel like there has to be more to this life for me than what I am doing. I don't enjoy being an admin (at least the paperwork part). I do like the graphics and working with the clients but...
I guess, I just don't know what God wants me to do with my life beside glorify him. I would love to be able to get up almost every day and enjoy what I am doing and not just exist. I am in such a rut right now and I am hoping that He is bringing me to point where I am ready to hear and see what He wants me to do.
Please pray for guidance. If he wants me to stay where I am at pray that he would show me and bring someone along to make it a little easier. If he wants me to move on please pray that he shows me where that is going to be as well.
God bless,
Karen
I guess, I just don't know what God wants me to do with my life beside glorify him. I would love to be able to get up almost every day and enjoy what I am doing and not just exist. I am in such a rut right now and I am hoping that He is bringing me to point where I am ready to hear and see what He wants me to do.
Please pray for guidance. If he wants me to stay where I am at pray that he would show me and bring someone along to make it a little easier. If he wants me to move on please pray that he shows me where that is going to be as well.
God bless,
Karen
Friday, September 2, 2011
Gotta get my act together...
God is really working on me lately. I have been going to counseling and also to Overeaters Anonymous. I went down to the gym at the hotel on Monday and rode an exercise bike for 15 minutes and yesterday I walked on the treadmill for 23 minutes. It felt good to be able to do that but my feet were falling asleep.
I am sitting around my house looking at how destroyed the carpeting and some walls are. I am very discouraged because I can't afford to make any changes. I am 4 months behind on my mortgage and have a few other bills that I am trying to pay off. Sometimes I just want to call the bank and tell them they can have the house. I look around and want to do so much to it but I don't even know where to start because there is so much that needs to be fixed. I have contacted the bank to see about the FHA home mortgage deal and waited the month like they told me. I called them back and they said that the button to move it over to the person who has to evaluate it hadn't even been pushed yet. So, a month ago they pushed the button. In the mean time I keep falling further behind.
I still like the company I work for and for the most part, my managers but there are just a couple of people who make it not a comfortable place to work. I am so afraid of whatever I say being taken and turned around so that they make fun of me or be mean to me. I hate that I am still so sensitive that I let people do that to me. I just don't know how to "let it roll off my shoulders" as I have been told so many times. I also don't feel like I make a difference there. I am not being a good witness at work. I know the Lord puts me where He wants me but he also expects me to be a witness for Him. I just don't know how to do that. I don't know how to let go and let Him.
So, what does this all have to do with getting my act together? I am just getting to the point where I am so tired of living like this!!!!! My counselor said something last week that has stuck with me. We were talking about me not having a boyfriend or never even having a date. One of the things he asked me was the type of person I wanted. I told him someone who loved the Lord first of all, then who was established in a nice job and who was healthy. Then he asked me about if I didn't want to date or marry someone who sat around playing games on the computer all night, who didn't take care of themselves and who was sad and depressed all the time then why would the type of person I wanted to date want someone like that? Since I just basically described myself in the type I don't want it really hit home. I need to get off my backside, get busy and try to get my health and finances in order. I can't do this without His help though.
Please pray for me as I feel like I am hitting that rock bottom point that everyone needs to get to so that they can make the changes. I am scared, I have no idea where to start. I need to get my house cleaned and organized but I can't do it alone. But it is so gross that I don't want to ask anyone to come in to help. I can't afford to hire an organizer and cleaner to come in so... I just covet your prayers. Please pray that He will keep encouraging me to want to get my act together.
Thanks,
God Bless,
Karen
I am sitting around my house looking at how destroyed the carpeting and some walls are. I am very discouraged because I can't afford to make any changes. I am 4 months behind on my mortgage and have a few other bills that I am trying to pay off. Sometimes I just want to call the bank and tell them they can have the house. I look around and want to do so much to it but I don't even know where to start because there is so much that needs to be fixed. I have contacted the bank to see about the FHA home mortgage deal and waited the month like they told me. I called them back and they said that the button to move it over to the person who has to evaluate it hadn't even been pushed yet. So, a month ago they pushed the button. In the mean time I keep falling further behind.
I still like the company I work for and for the most part, my managers but there are just a couple of people who make it not a comfortable place to work. I am so afraid of whatever I say being taken and turned around so that they make fun of me or be mean to me. I hate that I am still so sensitive that I let people do that to me. I just don't know how to "let it roll off my shoulders" as I have been told so many times. I also don't feel like I make a difference there. I am not being a good witness at work. I know the Lord puts me where He wants me but he also expects me to be a witness for Him. I just don't know how to do that. I don't know how to let go and let Him.
So, what does this all have to do with getting my act together? I am just getting to the point where I am so tired of living like this!!!!! My counselor said something last week that has stuck with me. We were talking about me not having a boyfriend or never even having a date. One of the things he asked me was the type of person I wanted. I told him someone who loved the Lord first of all, then who was established in a nice job and who was healthy. Then he asked me about if I didn't want to date or marry someone who sat around playing games on the computer all night, who didn't take care of themselves and who was sad and depressed all the time then why would the type of person I wanted to date want someone like that? Since I just basically described myself in the type I don't want it really hit home. I need to get off my backside, get busy and try to get my health and finances in order. I can't do this without His help though.
Please pray for me as I feel like I am hitting that rock bottom point that everyone needs to get to so that they can make the changes. I am scared, I have no idea where to start. I need to get my house cleaned and organized but I can't do it alone. But it is so gross that I don't want to ask anyone to come in to help. I can't afford to hire an organizer and cleaner to come in so... I just covet your prayers. Please pray that He will keep encouraging me to want to get my act together.
Thanks,
God Bless,
Karen
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