Okay, here is what has been going on. The Biggest Loser started back in January and finished last night. I went to exactly 2 weeks worth of classes. We started the "Biggest Winner" at work 2 weeks ago, I have gained 3 pounds. Lori came to me yesterday at church and said that she wanted me to be on her team along with Polly and Crystal for a 10 week challenge. That starts Sunday.
Please pray that I get moving in the right direction. Now there will be 3 other people who are relying on me as well as myself. I am scared to death.
I started counseling Tuesday night. I was crying the first 2 minutes into the session. There is so much that I need to work on with my counselor's and God's help. He seemed to ask questions that the person I went to in '09 for a few months didn't. I am pretty excited to see where this goes. One of the things that he mentioned is that he has a plan that works towards the a non-relapse. I can't wait to get started on that.
Well, we will see how it goes...
God Bless,
Karen
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH
Okay, you are probably wondering why I titled this post the way I did. Well, I don't know why I continue to sabotage myself. I am so frustrated!!! God continues to give me openings and direction to lose this weight and I continue to say, "thanks but no thanks". I have not totally gone overboard on my eating, though I am still making bad choices but I have not been to workout since last Tuesday night. Not this past Tuesday but the Tuesday before!!!
Why do I continue to make excuses for not working out, or not eating right or not paying my bills on time or letting my house become a disaster. I have come home tonight and sat here on the couch playing on the computer. I have a blister on my big toe so that is the "reason" I couldn't possibly go workout tonight.
Dear Heavenly Father, you know my heart and you know that I am struggling so badly to want to do what is right and what you ask of me but fighting you every step of the way. Please do not give up on me. I do love you and I do want to get healthy. Please help me to see what is causing me to make all these excuses and to constantly tell myself that I don't deserve to lose weight. Lord, I am so frustrated and angry with myself because I know what I need to do and I know that I need to truly turn this over to you but if I let go than that will be be another area of my life that I am not "in control of" even though staying this way I am more out of control than I ever would be trusting you for this. Lord, I am so sorry I am disappointing you. Thank you for loving me dispite my negativity and constant feeling sorry for myself attitude. I don't even really know how to pray. I have asked you so many times to help and you continually try to help me but I continue to push you away. Well, thanks Lord. Love, Karen Amen
Why do I continue to make excuses for not working out, or not eating right or not paying my bills on time or letting my house become a disaster. I have come home tonight and sat here on the couch playing on the computer. I have a blister on my big toe so that is the "reason" I couldn't possibly go workout tonight.
Dear Heavenly Father, you know my heart and you know that I am struggling so badly to want to do what is right and what you ask of me but fighting you every step of the way. Please do not give up on me. I do love you and I do want to get healthy. Please help me to see what is causing me to make all these excuses and to constantly tell myself that I don't deserve to lose weight. Lord, I am so frustrated and angry with myself because I know what I need to do and I know that I need to truly turn this over to you but if I let go than that will be be another area of my life that I am not "in control of" even though staying this way I am more out of control than I ever would be trusting you for this. Lord, I am so sorry I am disappointing you. Thank you for loving me dispite my negativity and constant feeling sorry for myself attitude. I don't even really know how to pray. I have asked you so many times to help and you continually try to help me but I continue to push you away. Well, thanks Lord. Love, Karen Amen
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Bi-Monthly Blessings List
B.J. mentioned that she would like to see my blessing's list so I have decided to post the ones from the last 2 weeks. I will try to do this every couple of weeks. Here they are...
January 1, 2011
Lori and Megan encouraged and challenged me to write a blessing of the day down every night so that I can continue to see God working in my life. So, I am trying to figure out the best way to do this. I may keep a journal offline and then put a post at the end of 2011 so that you can also see how God has worked. I am not sure.
But for today, January 1, 2011, my blessing was that I organized my closest so that I could find my clothes that fit me right now and that I could put the ones I will be fitting into again shortly in another section to make things easier each day. Now, that doesn't sound like much to you, I am sure, but since my closet has been a disaster area for the last year or so and I struggle every day to find something to wear, this is a blessing that he helped me finish it. We talked while I was procratinating up there when I was half-way done and wanted to stop. He reminded me of the 5 hour dinner conversation I had the other night with Lori and Megan and the part about me not finishing anything I start. I got it done!!!
God bless each one of you this year. I pray that He will bring you many blessings and that you may be challenged to write those blessings down each day as well.
Thanks Lori and Megan for your encouragement and love!!! Along with so many others. I am truly blessed
January 2, 2011
I didn’t post yesterday because I was trying to figure out the best way to do this blessing journal. So, yesterday’s blessing was watching my 13 year of neice, Mikayla, become the amazing young lady she is. I am so proud of her and I love the fact that the Lord has brought her into my life!!!!
January 3, 2011
It is amazing that God can take a show like the Bachelor to help me realize that I need help to make the life changes He wants me to be and that it is okay to want that help. One of the things that I am so afraid of is that I will do the same things mom did in wanting everyone else to solve my problems for me. No one can lose this weight, no one can change my negative thinking, no one can make me see that I am loveable. Only, with God’s help can I make those changes but he can use people as well. It is okay to ask for help. It can be done without wanting the other person to do all the work. I thank Him for showing me that. This is the blessing for today. He loves me enough to bring people into my life that can help me through this struggle.
January 4, 2011
Today’s blessing was realizing that I was complaining all week about not being sure how I was going to be able to handle working an entire week since the last 3 weeks I have had a few days off and left early some of the other days. Then I realized that there are so many people in this country who don’t even have jobs or can’t find full-time jobs and I am complaining because I have a good job with a pretty good boss and I get fulltime pay. I am so thankful for that.
January 5, 2011
My blessing for today is that I walked into Cubbies tonight and Lydia, Abraham and Micah were in there and their faces lit up when I walked in the door!!! Then Kaylee came up to me after church and asked me to come to her spelling bee on Saturday!!!! What a blessing to know that those little kids love me enough to want me to be around them.
January 6, 2011
Well, one of the things I got to do today was go pickout a cake for our Employee Banquet. It is going to be a 3D replica of the Hyatt. I can’t wait. Since it was my idea I got to go and taste cake. We had one piece each and it was yellow, chocolate and vanilla bean stacked. It was very good. That was a fun opportunity that the Lord gave me. I guess the biggest blessing today, though, would be that I made it home safely. Snow started falling and though there wasn’t much accumilation the roads were wet and since the temperature was below freezing the roads became slippery. There were a couple times when I didn’t think my car would stop but He protected me. I read a Facebook post that two different friends of a local DJ had totaled their cars. I am truly thankful and that I didn’t have anywhere I had to be tonight so I got to stay home and be safe. Thanks Lord.
January 7, 2011
Today’s blessing was that I made it safely back and forth from home to work. It has snowed the last two days and it has just been enough that the roads have been wet and then frozen. My car almost didn’t stop last night. On my way to work this morning I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw a car down the embankment. I called 911 just to make sure someone came to help. They already knew about it but I did feel like it was the right thing to do. Just in case.
January 8, 2011
I got to go see Kaylee in her 1st grade spelling bee. She specifically asked me to come Wednesday night. I thought there would be several people there but it was just Grandma Sue and me. What an honor to be asked to do that. Then we got to have lunch together at Bob Evans. That part was a blessing as well. Kaylee is starting to look like her mom. Now that I look at her it is so good to see some of Penny’s looks in the kids. Especially Kaylee since she has always looked so much like Dustin. Then I got a phone call while I was at lunch to go out to dinner with Holly, Millie and Holly’s friend, Sandy. That was a lot of fun. The other thing is that I have not been overly bad today eating wise. There have been a few things but for the most part I have not gone overboard. I am very thankful for that blessing as well.
January 9, 2011
Today’s blessing is that even though I thought church started at 10am and it has been starting at 10:30am for the last at least 6 years, I was able to get some things accomplished before church. And I was able to get almost all my laundry done. Small things but…
January 10, 2011
I guess my blessing for today would be that I had a chance to meet my biological maternal grandmother about 15 years ago. Though I didn’t spend much time with her and didn’t know her well, she made mom’s last years good by calling her and being a part of her life. She died last night and it is pretty sad. I also found out that one of my uncle’s was able to reconcile with her in the last few weeks and for that I am truly thankful.
January 11, 2011
Today’s blessing is that we got more snow but it was not so bad that I made it safely home tonight. I had been worrying all day because they kept saying 3”-5” in our area. I don’t think we got that much but it was enough to cause some problems. I am also blessed because on this cold, snowy night, I am able to sit in my living room, play on the computer and watch the Biggest Loser. I have an electric blanket, a tv and heat that works. Sometimes we take those things for granted but I really am thankful and blessed to have those things. There are people who are on the streets or in a shelter with nothing. Thank you Lord for that blessing.
January 12, 2011
I guess today’s blessing would be that I finally talked with my brother. He said he has not gotten my voicemails. I asked him to at least call me on a holiday and say hey. It doesn’t have to be any more than that but I have already lost my dad by abandonment and my mom by death. Even though I am okay not to have to spend my holidays with him, I don’t want to lose touch with him. He is my brother. So, it was nice to know he was doing okay.
January 13, 2011
Sometimes it is hard to come up with a blessing. Not that they aren’t there but when there was nothing major it just seems so small. But then I just thought that the blessing doesn’t have to be something amazing. The blessing is that He allowed me to get up this morning, work all day and make it safely home this evening. I am truly thankful for that and considering what could have happened it is a blessing.
January 14, 2011
Not sure what the blessing was. I know there were some but just, again, nothing major stuck out. I guess just having an “average” day was a blessing again.
So, there you have it. The first 2 weeks of my 2011 Blessings. Some pretty big, some just regular but all a gift from God.
May God show you special moments and memories that you can realize are gifts straight from Him too.
Karen
January 1, 2011
Lori and Megan encouraged and challenged me to write a blessing of the day down every night so that I can continue to see God working in my life. So, I am trying to figure out the best way to do this. I may keep a journal offline and then put a post at the end of 2011 so that you can also see how God has worked. I am not sure.
But for today, January 1, 2011, my blessing was that I organized my closest so that I could find my clothes that fit me right now and that I could put the ones I will be fitting into again shortly in another section to make things easier each day. Now, that doesn't sound like much to you, I am sure, but since my closet has been a disaster area for the last year or so and I struggle every day to find something to wear, this is a blessing that he helped me finish it. We talked while I was procratinating up there when I was half-way done and wanted to stop. He reminded me of the 5 hour dinner conversation I had the other night with Lori and Megan and the part about me not finishing anything I start. I got it done!!!
God bless each one of you this year. I pray that He will bring you many blessings and that you may be challenged to write those blessings down each day as well.
Thanks Lori and Megan for your encouragement and love!!! Along with so many others. I am truly blessed
January 2, 2011
I didn’t post yesterday because I was trying to figure out the best way to do this blessing journal. So, yesterday’s blessing was watching my 13 year of neice, Mikayla, become the amazing young lady she is. I am so proud of her and I love the fact that the Lord has brought her into my life!!!!
January 3, 2011
It is amazing that God can take a show like the Bachelor to help me realize that I need help to make the life changes He wants me to be and that it is okay to want that help. One of the things that I am so afraid of is that I will do the same things mom did in wanting everyone else to solve my problems for me. No one can lose this weight, no one can change my negative thinking, no one can make me see that I am loveable. Only, with God’s help can I make those changes but he can use people as well. It is okay to ask for help. It can be done without wanting the other person to do all the work. I thank Him for showing me that. This is the blessing for today. He loves me enough to bring people into my life that can help me through this struggle.
January 4, 2011
Today’s blessing was realizing that I was complaining all week about not being sure how I was going to be able to handle working an entire week since the last 3 weeks I have had a few days off and left early some of the other days. Then I realized that there are so many people in this country who don’t even have jobs or can’t find full-time jobs and I am complaining because I have a good job with a pretty good boss and I get fulltime pay. I am so thankful for that.
January 5, 2011
My blessing for today is that I walked into Cubbies tonight and Lydia, Abraham and Micah were in there and their faces lit up when I walked in the door!!! Then Kaylee came up to me after church and asked me to come to her spelling bee on Saturday!!!! What a blessing to know that those little kids love me enough to want me to be around them.
January 6, 2011
Well, one of the things I got to do today was go pickout a cake for our Employee Banquet. It is going to be a 3D replica of the Hyatt. I can’t wait. Since it was my idea I got to go and taste cake. We had one piece each and it was yellow, chocolate and vanilla bean stacked. It was very good. That was a fun opportunity that the Lord gave me. I guess the biggest blessing today, though, would be that I made it home safely. Snow started falling and though there wasn’t much accumilation the roads were wet and since the temperature was below freezing the roads became slippery. There were a couple times when I didn’t think my car would stop but He protected me. I read a Facebook post that two different friends of a local DJ had totaled their cars. I am truly thankful and that I didn’t have anywhere I had to be tonight so I got to stay home and be safe. Thanks Lord.
January 7, 2011
Today’s blessing was that I made it safely back and forth from home to work. It has snowed the last two days and it has just been enough that the roads have been wet and then frozen. My car almost didn’t stop last night. On my way to work this morning I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw a car down the embankment. I called 911 just to make sure someone came to help. They already knew about it but I did feel like it was the right thing to do. Just in case.
January 8, 2011
I got to go see Kaylee in her 1st grade spelling bee. She specifically asked me to come Wednesday night. I thought there would be several people there but it was just Grandma Sue and me. What an honor to be asked to do that. Then we got to have lunch together at Bob Evans. That part was a blessing as well. Kaylee is starting to look like her mom. Now that I look at her it is so good to see some of Penny’s looks in the kids. Especially Kaylee since she has always looked so much like Dustin. Then I got a phone call while I was at lunch to go out to dinner with Holly, Millie and Holly’s friend, Sandy. That was a lot of fun. The other thing is that I have not been overly bad today eating wise. There have been a few things but for the most part I have not gone overboard. I am very thankful for that blessing as well.
January 9, 2011
Today’s blessing is that even though I thought church started at 10am and it has been starting at 10:30am for the last at least 6 years, I was able to get some things accomplished before church. And I was able to get almost all my laundry done. Small things but…
January 10, 2011
I guess my blessing for today would be that I had a chance to meet my biological maternal grandmother about 15 years ago. Though I didn’t spend much time with her and didn’t know her well, she made mom’s last years good by calling her and being a part of her life. She died last night and it is pretty sad. I also found out that one of my uncle’s was able to reconcile with her in the last few weeks and for that I am truly thankful.
January 11, 2011
Today’s blessing is that we got more snow but it was not so bad that I made it safely home tonight. I had been worrying all day because they kept saying 3”-5” in our area. I don’t think we got that much but it was enough to cause some problems. I am also blessed because on this cold, snowy night, I am able to sit in my living room, play on the computer and watch the Biggest Loser. I have an electric blanket, a tv and heat that works. Sometimes we take those things for granted but I really am thankful and blessed to have those things. There are people who are on the streets or in a shelter with nothing. Thank you Lord for that blessing.
January 12, 2011
I guess today’s blessing would be that I finally talked with my brother. He said he has not gotten my voicemails. I asked him to at least call me on a holiday and say hey. It doesn’t have to be any more than that but I have already lost my dad by abandonment and my mom by death. Even though I am okay not to have to spend my holidays with him, I don’t want to lose touch with him. He is my brother. So, it was nice to know he was doing okay.
January 13, 2011
Sometimes it is hard to come up with a blessing. Not that they aren’t there but when there was nothing major it just seems so small. But then I just thought that the blessing doesn’t have to be something amazing. The blessing is that He allowed me to get up this morning, work all day and make it safely home this evening. I am truly thankful for that and considering what could have happened it is a blessing.
January 14, 2011
Not sure what the blessing was. I know there were some but just, again, nothing major stuck out. I guess just having an “average” day was a blessing again.
So, there you have it. The first 2 weeks of my 2011 Blessings. Some pretty big, some just regular but all a gift from God.
May God show you special moments and memories that you can realize are gifts straight from Him too.
Karen
Friday, January 14, 2011
Biggest Loser at the Gym
Okay, we weighed in on Wednesday night for the next round of the Biggest Loser. I will admit that my weight was 408 pounds. I am pretty scared about starting this time because the first time I did it I had already lost about 30 pounds and didn't have a recovering achilles tendon and a partial thickness tear in my rotator cuff.
This one will be hard. Besides the above the classes are not happening until 7 or later during the week. Which means I will have to go home and then leave my house again each night to go workout and I HATE going out in the cold. Once I am in I usually stay in. The other thing is that Wednesday nights are the support team meetings but they don't start until 6:30pm each night and I have to teach Cubbies at 6:45pm. That is the one aspect that I could really use.
The Lord is in control so I pray that he will encourage me to get moving on this and protect me from further injury. Any prayers you could send up would be greatly appreciated.
I will keep you posted. The good thing is that we will be starting a similar program here at work the week of February 7th (hopefully) which will take me past the end of the Biggest Loser.
God Bless,
Karen
This one will be hard. Besides the above the classes are not happening until 7 or later during the week. Which means I will have to go home and then leave my house again each night to go workout and I HATE going out in the cold. Once I am in I usually stay in. The other thing is that Wednesday nights are the support team meetings but they don't start until 6:30pm each night and I have to teach Cubbies at 6:45pm. That is the one aspect that I could really use.
The Lord is in control so I pray that he will encourage me to get moving on this and protect me from further injury. Any prayers you could send up would be greatly appreciated.
I will keep you posted. The good thing is that we will be starting a similar program here at work the week of February 7th (hopefully) which will take me past the end of the Biggest Loser.
God Bless,
Karen
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Blessing of the Day
Lori and Megan encouraged and challenged me to write a blessing of the day down every night so that I can continue to see God working in my life. So, I am trying to figure out the best way to do this. I may keep a journal offline and then put a post at the end of 2011 so that you can also see how God has worked. I am not sure.
But for today, January 1, 2011, my blessing was that I organized my closest so that I could find my clothes that fit me right now and that I could put the ones I will be fitting into again shortly in another section to make things easier each day. Now, that doesn't sound like much to you, I am sure, but since my closet has been a disaster area for the last year or so and I struggle every day to find something to wear, this is a blessing that he helped me finish it. We talked while I was procratinating up there when I was half-way done and wanted to stop. He reminded me of the 5 hour dinner conversation I had the other night with Lori and Megan and the part about me not finishing anything I start. I got it done!!!
God bless each one of you this year. I pray that He will bring you many blessings and that you may be challenged to write those blessings down each day as well.
Thanks Lori and Megan for your encouragement and love!!! Along with so many others. I am truly blessed.
But for today, January 1, 2011, my blessing was that I organized my closest so that I could find my clothes that fit me right now and that I could put the ones I will be fitting into again shortly in another section to make things easier each day. Now, that doesn't sound like much to you, I am sure, but since my closet has been a disaster area for the last year or so and I struggle every day to find something to wear, this is a blessing that he helped me finish it. We talked while I was procratinating up there when I was half-way done and wanted to stop. He reminded me of the 5 hour dinner conversation I had the other night with Lori and Megan and the part about me not finishing anything I start. I got it done!!!
God bless each one of you this year. I pray that He will bring you many blessings and that you may be challenged to write those blessings down each day as well.
Thanks Lori and Megan for your encouragement and love!!! Along with so many others. I am truly blessed.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
A Long Time
Sorry it has been so long between posts. I have just been very discouraged with the "weight loss journey" since I have successfully put back on the 107 pounds I originally lost along with an additional 5 pounds.
The other day we went to York Steak House and I was showing the train set to one of the little girls with me. Her mom took a picture and I have it posted in the entry. When I saw this picture of me I was horrified. I know I am big and I know I look big but when you see it in a picture it really hits home what others see. Now, before you all start yelling at me that you see the inside and not the outside, etc. I understand that and I love you for it but you have to see the awful physical changes in me.
I am going to start the Biggest Loser at the gym again on January 10th and I pray that I am able to keep up and am able to start getting this weight back off.
Thanks for your prayers, love and support. I will get back on track and get this taken care of.
God Bless,
Karen
The other day we went to York Steak House and I was showing the train set to one of the little girls with me. Her mom took a picture and I have it posted in the entry. When I saw this picture of me I was horrified. I know I am big and I know I look big but when you see it in a picture it really hits home what others see. Now, before you all start yelling at me that you see the inside and not the outside, etc. I understand that and I love you for it but you have to see the awful physical changes in me.
I am going to start the Biggest Loser at the gym again on January 10th and I pray that I am able to keep up and am able to start getting this weight back off.
Thanks for your prayers, love and support. I will get back on track and get this taken care of.
God Bless,
Karen
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Fact versus Fiction Pt 2
A week ago I was sitting around thinking of my relationship with mom. Mostly about the fact that I would get so frustrated with her because she wouldn't fight for herself. I was willing to come along side of her and help her fight but she had to be the one to want to make the choices to get better. Then I realized that I was doing the same thing. No one can fight for me to lose this weight, get healthy and open my heart to love.
So, last week I was doing okay. Not great but better. By Saturday I had lost 3 pounds of the 109 I had gained back. But this week I am struggling again. It hit me today why. Satan continues to tell me that I am not worth the fight. I don't feel lovable on the level that I crave. I want that intimate level of love but he continues to tell me that I am not lovable and never will be no matter what I do. And the thing that really makes me mad is that I let his voice overpower Christ's. I know in my head that I am a child of God's and that He sent His son to die on the cross for me but for some reason I struggle with believing that I could be lovable.
Dear Heavenly Father, I need you to please step in and help me to fight the pull of Satan's negative words. Help me to focus on the fact that you love me no matter what and that you did make me special and in your image and that I am lovable. That I am not worthless. I know that kids love me and that the church family you brought to me love me and even when I don't hear from my family, that they love me too but my heart aches so much for that intimate love of a husband and wife and yet I continue to believe that it will never happen. Lord, I believe that you gave me this desire so you must have something so special coming up. Please help me to turn this over to you.
In Jesus' Name, Amen
God Bless,
Karen
So, last week I was doing okay. Not great but better. By Saturday I had lost 3 pounds of the 109 I had gained back. But this week I am struggling again. It hit me today why. Satan continues to tell me that I am not worth the fight. I don't feel lovable on the level that I crave. I want that intimate level of love but he continues to tell me that I am not lovable and never will be no matter what I do. And the thing that really makes me mad is that I let his voice overpower Christ's. I know in my head that I am a child of God's and that He sent His son to die on the cross for me but for some reason I struggle with believing that I could be lovable.
Dear Heavenly Father, I need you to please step in and help me to fight the pull of Satan's negative words. Help me to focus on the fact that you love me no matter what and that you did make me special and in your image and that I am lovable. That I am not worthless. I know that kids love me and that the church family you brought to me love me and even when I don't hear from my family, that they love me too but my heart aches so much for that intimate love of a husband and wife and yet I continue to believe that it will never happen. Lord, I believe that you gave me this desire so you must have something so special coming up. Please help me to turn this over to you.
In Jesus' Name, Amen
God Bless,
Karen
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