God's Prayer Answer?

Wow, I am not even sure where to begin. If you have been reading this blog then you know that one of the main reasons I have struggled with my weight is because my mom and I have been co-dependent together. I have written several times about the emotional struggles that we have had. Well, I wondered after she attempted to take her life in September why she wasn't successful if she was just going to continue to be sick and struggle. I think I have figured a part of it out. Our relationship has been a struggle for my entire life. I blamed her for so many things in my life. This was not fair to her but it is what happened. I have been taking care of her with a bad attitude. Well, the last 4 months we have had an opportunity to work on our relationship. I was able to tell her I loved her several times and we were finally able to talk about some things. Well, I think the reason that she survived the overdose was so that we can make our relationship better. Unfortunately, we only had the 3 months. I checked on her on Tuesday, December 15th and she was playing on the computer and ate a sub I brought. At 11:45pm that night I got a call from the care center telling me that she had pushed her alert button because she was having trouble breathing again. I was pretty mad at her for waiting until so late at night to make the call. I got up, got dressed and by the time I got to her house which is 5 minutes from me, she was in full cardiac arrest. The paramedics were doing CPR but they were unable to get a pulse. They rushed her to the hospital and the doctor's got a pulse for a few minutes but the doctor told me it looked bad. Phil and Sue Miller came to be with me that night and they will never know how much that meant to me. Also, a friend from high school was working in the ER that night too and he came in the room. The doctor came in a few minutes later and told me that he had done everything he could but he was unable to save my mom. My mom passed away almost 3 months to the day that she had attempted to take her life.

As it snows outside I feel such a sense of aloneness but yet a sense of relief. Aloneness because she is basically the only one who calls me on the phone. I am not much of a phone person but if we didn't talk everyday I would be concerned. The relief comes in a few forms. One is that I was not looking forward to figuring out how to handle the winter. She would have basically be housebound and that would have made her depression so much worse. She doesn't have to worry about that now. She would have relyed on me so much more and it was already hard to keep up with her needs and all the things that I have to do.

There is also fear on my part. Fear that if something ever happens to me who will know my wishes, will there be anyone who will be willing to go through all my stuff. When I have a hard time with losing my mom will I have anyone who will be there just to hold me? Also, as I have mentioned earlier, we were both co-dependents. Now my "excuse" for not losing weight, for not saving money, for all the things that I blamed my mom on is not there. Will I be able to make the changes that are needed? I am really struggling with the right side of my body. It hurts from the shoulder all the way down to my leg. When I sit for even a short period of time I have a hard time standing and then walking. It takes a few minutes to be able to walk. It scares me. I don't want to end up in a wheelchair and with a shortened life like my mom had.

I just ask for prayer as I transition through this new chapter in my life. As I said earlier, 2009 has not been a good year. I am praying that 2010 is a good year and that the changes needed to live a life that glorifies God will take place.

God Bless,
Karen

Yoga, the Biggest Loser and Stress

Wow, as I mentioned in my post about being Thankful this has not been a good year in a lot of aspects. It seems that it is going to end even more stressful than it even began. As I write this mom is still in the hospital after 5 days with COPD. This is the 5th time since August that she has spent time in the hospital for breathing or her CHF and 2 weeks in the hospital for her overdose.

Also, I spoke with my friend Penny tonight and things are not going good for her either. The doctor is worried that there are problems with her small intestines now. She may have to go on the Chemo that the doctor talked about which could have some nasty side effects and there is no guarantee that it will stop the cancer growth. (This is purly speculation on my part and nothing is set in stone, God could be working right now on healing the problem and she could be fine in a few days.)

I had lost over 107 pounds last year and this year I have put on 56 pounds from a combination of stress and stubbornness. I am having shoulder pain that has been here since December 20th and they can't figure out what is going on with it, I am now having middle back pain that is getting worse by the day and leg pain. Most of this is on my right side only. It is very frustrating.

I spent $75 to join the Biggest Loser at the gym and have only been able to make it to about 5 classes and the contest ends next week. I have actually gained 5 pounds.

And there has still been no reconcilation between my brother's wife and my mom and me. My brother still has to sneak to call my mom and has not visited my mom or me in over 1 1/2 years and he only lives an hour away. It is very sad.

They cut our hours again at work for this month and it is a 5 week month so I will lose 25 hours of pay. I am already struggling with paying my bills.

So you see, that covers a lot of the stress part of this post. Please pray for these situations. It is very frustrating to know that God is trying to help me in some of this stuff and asking me to trust Him in others and yet I continue to push Him away or think I can do and handle all this on my own. I have even started seeing a counselor and haven't done a lot of what she has asked me to do.

Okay, so onto the yoga and the Biggest Loser. I just watched the season finale of the Biggest Loser. The weight losses were amazing!!!! Everyone looked so good. There was another marriage proposal tonight between two contestants. It was pretty great. It inspired me to pledge to lose 50 pounds to help the food pantry in Grove City. So off I go to get my Biggest Loser Yoga video that I bought 3 weeks ago and hadn't opened. It is 10:15pm when I finally put it in and think I will be able to do the beginners workout. Well, I couldn't even make it past the warmups. There is a lot of kneeling on the knees and as I posted earlier I have bad knees so... Some of the exercises seem impossible for me. So I watched for a little while to see what some of them were and how to do them. Next time I will try a few of them and then maybe I will eventually be able to finish the beginners and move onto the next level.

Well, thanks for listening. Not sure how many of you are out there since I tend to be negative in my posts, I would have a hard time continuing to follow this blog if it were someone else's but I hope to look back and read these entries and see that I am a different person then the one writing them now.

Though things are stressful right now and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight I am going to do my best to have an amazing Christmas because that is the time to celebrate Christ's birth and without Him I know that I would never survive all this stuff going on. And I will survive it and come out a stronger woman and Christian when this part of the journey settles down.

May God bless each and every one of you.
In Christ,
Karen

Reflections on Being Thankful

Well, as you know, yesterday was Thanksgiving. What a time of year. An excuse to overeat. I don't think I did that though. Which I am thankful of.

I try to avoid the sharing time with my "family" each year because I am always very emotional. This year however, God had another plan. They didn't do the sharing until later in the day due to schedules. So, yes, I became very emotional. This year has been VERY HARD. Between the constant up and down with my mom's health, her attempting to take her life and just not being able to plan anything because of not knowing what her status would be each day. Also, with Penny's cancer. This has been a very hard year. I have put on a lot of weight. It has been discouraging with that as well because I should have been to my goal weight by now and I am basically starting over. Then there is losing hours at work due to the economy. Financially I am in a bad state and because of my cats ruining my carpeting I can't even put my house up for sale because I can't afford to get new carpeting. And my right side has been messed up for almost a year. Makes it hard to function. Pastor Bill and Peggy moved to Michigan and they are truly missed.

So, what is the point of this entry? It is to look at the things I am thankful for dispite the hard times. So, here is my list:

MY SALVATION - Knowing that no matter what I will get to spend eternity in Heaven.
GOD - Without him I would NEVER have been able to make it through these trials.
MILLER/BALTZER/HOFFMAN/MILLER/MAY FAMILY - God knew several years ago that I would need this amazing group of people in my life and I am so thankful that they have been such a blessing.
MY CHURCH FAMILY - What an amazing group of people. I feel so blessed everytime I walk in the doors or get a message on Facebook from this group of people.
HAVING TWO JOBS - In today's economy I am truly blessed to have this.
HAVING A HOUSE AND FOOD TO EAT - So many today are homeless and hungry. I am neither and I am thankful for that and don't take it for granted.
LESSONS BEING LEARNED - Don't like this one too much but am thankful none the less. I know that I am being taught some important things through this year and I sure pray I am listening and learning.
CHILDREN - I know that I put my "family" on there but the children at church have been so much fun. To see them get excited when I walk in a room or to have them want me to hold them instead of going to choir - how amazing is that?
MY BLOOD FAMILY - Through the things that have been going on with mom these last few months I have had more contact with my family. It has shown me that they really are special and there are more who know Christ then I thought. Though physically they have been unable to be there I know that they are there if I just need to talk.
GETTING TO BE A HOSTESS AT THE E-WOMEN'S CONFERENCE - What an unexpected opportunity. Getting to host Stormie Omartian and her daughter for the weekend. She and Mandy are both such a blessing as well as Stormie's sister and friends. This was something that I will never forget.

These are just a few of the many blessings that I am thankful for. I know that God is with me through all of this. Though I struggle a lot with things and try to do most things on my own, He has not given up on me and I am so thankful for that.

So, that is what this post is about. I pray that everyone who reads this finds things to be thankful for as well, even if your life is not crazy.

God Bless as we go into this amazing season to celebrate Christ's birth!!!
Karen

Going in the Right Direction

Just a quick update. 4 pounds down since last week. Should I choose to eat better I am sure I could lose a lot more. I started counseling last night and I am really looking forward to working with Michele and at the gym to try to get healthy.

Brought mom home from the hospital today for another bought of Congestive Heart Failure. She is already worried that she will have a panic attack. Trying to convince her that she will not have one if she chooses to not have one.

Thanks for praying,
God Bless,
Karen

Trying Once Again

Well, last night we started the Biggest Loser at the gym. It is going for 7 weeks. It was a hard workout since I have not been going much lately because of all the things going on with mom and just not feeling like I am accomplishing anything. I need this accountability. I start meeting with a counselor on the 11th to try and work through a lot of the stuff that has built up over the years with mom and with me personally. I am looking forward to this step. I am tired of hiding from life. I am very scared but can't wait to see how God is going to use this time of struggle to glorify him.

I do ask for prayers. I started this session at 342.6 pounds with my shoes on. That means that since July of 2008 I have gained back over 50 pounds of the weight that I had lost. It is VERY FRUSTRATING. I worked so hard to lose that weight. I know that with God's help I can and will do this. I just have to go back to the one meal at a time attitude.

God Bless,
Karen

Avalon's Story

This is a long post but I wanted to share with you a little girls story. About 4 years ago my friend, Diane, let me know that her 1 1/2 year old granddaughter, Abby, had just been diagnosed with Neuroblastoma Cancer. While Abby was going through her treatments a co-worker of mine found out her friends little girl of the same age, Avalon, had been diagnosed with Leukemia. They went through treatment together at Children's Hospital and the parents had met each other there. Thank the Lord that Abby has been Cancer free for several years now and doesn't have the side affects that Avalon has had to fight with. Below is Avalon's latest update. Please read her story and pray for her. This little girl is going through so much and it is all because the doctor's wanted to treat her cancer. The cancer is gone but the side effects continue to go one. Also pray for her family as you will see, they are going through so much.

Thanks,

God Bless, Karen

Good morning everyone. First, a huge apology. I don't have the mental capacity to be proper or organized at the moment, so I'm sorry, this email is going to everyone in my address book. If you don't know me, and just sold me something on ebay...or tried to sell me something on the internet...sorry about this. I believe the kid expression is "Tough nubs", you got caught in the cross fire. Same goes for people who no longer care to know me. Sorry about that, you also got caught in the wave. Heck, I don't even know how many of these addresses are still active.
In a nutshell, Avalon is in serious medical trouble, and I wanted to get the word out to people who care, have cared in the past, or who need to know why I haven't been/won't be very communicative for a while.
Due to physical cues, and neuro-ophthalmologic indicators, Avalon had a lumbar puncture yesterday to measure her intracranial pressure. Normal ICP is 8-12. Avalon's was 31. Her brain is, once again, being squeezed to death, literally. With her temporal decompressions, no one thought it would ever be possible for her pressure to get this high. Once again, Avalon has figured out how to shock everyone.
If you care/wonder/are curious/need a refresher-course, there is a page on Avalon's website that explains about her pressure, her brain damage, her temporal decompressions. http://www.avalonsarmyofangels.com/story99.html
So here it is. On the cancer front, we're all clear. The CBC was beautiful. But Avalon's pressure hasn't been this high since before the first shunt. No wonder she's losing vision, having tremors, and looking awful. Her brain is being squeezed beyond belief. With the temporal decompressions, the pressure isn't supposed to be able to get this high, so they did it twice. No luck, she really was 31. They drew off enough fluid yesterdayto get closing pressure down to 17, but it is a short term solution, CSF will replenish within 48-72 hours.After the LP, we met with the neurosurgeon, who was visibly rattled. He had the NP check her shunt setting, hoping it had somehow moved. No dice, it was still fully open. He has scheduled a 3D CT scan for Thurs morning, Oct 15. Pending what he finds on that scan, and a possible MRI, Avalon's world is going to stink out loud for a while. Here's what I know now.

1) Neurosurgeon is hoping the decompressions have possibly grown some new bone. If so, he will go in and redo them. That is two brain surgeries, two PICU/hospital stays, with the second recovery taking longer.

2) Whether or not the decompressions are redone...we still have to find a new draining mechanism to help them.a) if her ventricles are as small as other doctors have said, he will NOT put a new shunt in the other side of her brain. On the L side, the speech center is right where the shunts go. A shunt there could make her mute for the rest of her life.b) We (Nick and I) want to rule out an LP shunt, due to infection rates, failure rates, and over draining - Avalon is very sensitive to low pressure. An LP shunt could leave her waking up vomiting and screaming in agony every day of her life. No thanks.c) There is a y valve thing that we discussed with her first neurosurgeon (good guy #1, before Voldemort). The y valve is a very tricky, long, dangerous surgery, but can be done.
3) We can revise the current Voldemort shunt. Good surgeon #2 (current guy) is VERY scared to do so, given the dropped shunt. Damaging more brain stem is a horrifying thought. She could be fully paralyzed on the R side, lose more vision, etc. Although truthfully, I'll take wheelchair dependant over mute. I love that little voice soooooo much.Avalon only cried yesterday when she found out she would possibly miss Trick or Treat and her final cheerleading day. (its at a big stadium) She never really cried either, her eyes filled up, and she looked desolate...she only let herself cry when I said it was OK to be sad. (I felt like I had to warn her as soon as we knew the pressure.)Later, the only thing she asked the surgeon was if she could possibly Trick or Treat. That 64 yo wonderful father of grown girls bent down and told her he'd do everything he could to work that out for her. After all, Trick or Treat was pretty special. I don't know how on earth he's going to manage that with what he's proposing. We also told her the other cheerleaders would probably have to wheel her on the field and she could cheer with a special hat, from her chair. With both promises, she was OK. Sad, but determined.As for us, Nick and I...we're beyond terrified/sad/paralyzed with fear. This has been so big, I have told very few people over the past few weeks, just trying to wrap my brain around it.
Right now, I'm guessing those of you that didn't know any of this are shocked. Welcome to my world. Some of you may be thinking, "Geez, I'm tired of hearing about that kid's problems." Me too! So I totally understand if you want me to delete your email address. Honestly - I really get it. Feel free to email me if you do. Or, hit delete when you see Avalon in the title. And then again, the vast majority of you, whom I know to be loving, amazing, KIND-HEARTED people are thinking, "What can I do?" I wish I had a magic wand that I could fill with your prayers and kind thoughts. She'd be running marathons if I could.
For now, I have a few immediate requests for anyone willing to help.
1) I'm looking for anyone with HTML expertise to help me install an application on Avalon's website that will notify people when I update it, and to help put a guestbook on there. I'm completely flummoxed with both things, so I've often just not used her site. Avalon's Army of Angels is hosted on Yahoo and I build it with Yahoo Sitebuilder - mainly because it's simple and I understand most of it. I'm more than willing to share my passwords, if one of you have the knowledge to help me. I want to be able to send automatic update notices like Caringbridge does. And I want to give people an easy way to communicate with us.
2) My car is once again croaking. It's the same oil pressure issue that trapped us in DC for a week this Summer. I can go 20-30 min and the pressure goes to zero. The van has been to 2 Dodge dealers, three times total, they say it's fine. They're wrong! Anybody know a mechanic with half a brain? I took my dad's car to the hospital yesterday so we didn't get trapped on 315. We're about to make a zillion trips back and forth to the hospital, I kind of need a car that works! Any grease monkey friends or relative would be worshipped by us. Nick can/will help, but we need someone who is smarter than the stupid Dodge dealers have been. (wish I had those several thousand dollars back. Grrrr....)
3) Any positive thoughts you can send Avalon's way, we greatly appreciate. We covet your prayers and loving thoughts. They have saved her in the past - I believe that Great LOVE can do amazing things.
I don't know if I'll do this mass email thing again, I don't want to pester people. Hopefully, some computer guru somewhere will help me get the notification/membership thing on the site, so you can choose to hear from me.
Thank you in advance for caring about Avalon. My heart hurts worse than I thought possible. After last year, I thought I'd seen Hell. Nope. It would seem we've just descended down another level. Apparently Dante had a point, there are several levels to it after all.
Much love to all of you! I hope you'll forgive me for not communicating in so long. Truth is, we've had the best summer of our lives! We've done normal, silly, family things. We've all been so HAPPY, and Avalon has been enjoying life to the utmost. We've been so giddy to be normal, we've kind of been selfishly quiet, if that makes any sense. Long story short, we had our version of a fairytale summer, and loved every second of it. Guess that's going to have to last us for a while.
((HUGS)) and many "Thank Yous" coming your way. As usual, please feel free to pass this email on to anyone you wish, and you are all always welcome to contact us here at alicia@crazycancermom.com .
LOVE to each of you.
Alicia, Nick, Aurora, Ambrosia, AVALON, and Anam

Accountability - September 27th

I have this book of daily devotions that I have had for about 15 years. I got it in Pennsylvania when I went to visit a very dear family friend. I read through it several years ago and obviously did not heed the advice on the pages. It is called Day by Day Love is a Choice - Devotions for Codependents.

When everything with my mom happened in the last 5 weeks I decided to pick up this book a few days ago and start reading again. The first date that I looked at talked about "Reparenting". Thought that was pretty appropriate. But yesterday's is the one that really hit home. I am not sure about copywriting things so I hope I don't get in trouble for typing this here but I wanted you to see what God was telling me through this book yesterday.

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. - Gal 6:2

"Who has helped you bear your burdens? Was there a special friend who reached out to you in your time of need? Have you thanked them?

Do you know how to bear others' burdens without getting caught once again in the trap of codependency? Ask God to help you so you can become the person he desires for you to be. You will miss out on a great deal of pleasure in this life if you do not learn how to truly help others.

Bearing another's burden does not mean solving his or her problems. It does not mean feeling responsible for the problem; it does mean sympathizing with the pain. Recognize what you can and cannot do for this person and accept the reality of your limits. Pray for them and let them know you are thinking about them and are concerned with what they are experiencing.

Your journey toward healthy living does involve reaching out to help others. Are you ready to grow in this way? If so, you will gain wonderful blessings, not the bondage of codependency.

The part in red is the part that really stood out for me. What an easy concept to read and understand but what a hard concept to do.

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to learn that I am not responsible for solving the world's problem's even though I feel that if I don't I won't be loveable or people will leave me. Help me to know what the limit is and the balance is so that I can help where I am needed but in a way that will encourage the other person without making it an unhealthy relationship. Thank you for giving me this book so many years ago and putting it on my heart to read again. Thank you for all you are doing in my life. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. Thank you all for being there through this journey. I am so blessed to have you all in my life and know that without God and you I would not be able to get through this.