It has been a very hard last year and 1/2. I have noted a lot of things going on so I won't go into those again but I know I haven't really posted in awhile so I thought I would just drop a note.
Monday I was given permission for full weight bearing on my foot. I was very surprised since it has only been 5 weeks today. Normally it is much longer for weight bearing. I am very thankful. I know that the prayers that my friends have been lifting up are being heard. I started Physical Therapy Monday and went back to the gym today. I didn't do a lot but the one thing I did do was weigh in. I had expected to have put on a lot being immoble and eating a lot of bad food but my current weight is 372. That is only 20 pounds less than where I was when I started the journey in 2007 but since I was expecting it to be back to the original weight I was pleasantly surprised. Now I just need to go back down.
I know that I can do this. I just need to make the decision and let God do what he was doing the last time and stop fighting him. Please pray.
Thanks and God Bless,
Karen
Friday, April 23, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Blessings among Sadness
Well, I am sitting here on a twin bed in my living room 5 day's post op from having Achilles Tendon Surgery. There is basically no pain in my foot but it has not been easy. I did not wake up well from anestesia (spelling) and then have been home and have had to have people basically living with me the first 3 days of this process. It has been hard. Today is the first day that I have not had someone here most of the day.
Monday night the bed frame slipped apart for the last time and I had Tim come over and remove the frame. Now it is just the boxed springs and mattress, then last night Brandy, my cat, went the bathroom on the bed and I had to have someone come over and clean it up. At that time I decided the best step would be to have Brandy put to sleep. She has been suffering with End Stage Kidney Failure for the last 5 years and since Sam, mom's cat, came to live here it has really sent Brandy's health downhill fast. She was really looking and acting bad. It was time. That is the sadness though. She was the cat that has cuddled with me for all her life. I already miss her like crazy and I keep calling her sister Brandy. She was my baby. This sure has not been a good time. Mom dying in December, Grandma dying in January, Penny dying in February and now Brandy in March. Plus the surgery on my foot.
But the blessings have come too. Those people that I have mentioned basically had to move in with me, I don't know what I would have done without them. They have gone so far over and above what I would have thought. I am truly humbled that people love me enough to take precious time away from their families and lives to do things for me. Even those that I know can't come over because of the cats but who are faithfully praying for me. How amazing is that?
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the visualization of your Love in action. I am broken hearted about my cat and all the other things that have happened in my life these last several months and yet I am still able to laugh and smile because you continue to bring me blessing's inspite of the heartaches. Thank you for all those who have given up time to be with me. What a humbling and encouraging experience. You have helped me to lose some of my pride as well. My house isn't kept clean as you would want me to take care of the things you have given me but you are still allowing people to come in here and not form harsh judgements. Thank you for that. Please be with each person who is taking the time to help and who is praying. I covet those prayers even more than I do the help though I won't turn help down. In Jesus' Name, Amen
God Bless,
Karen
Monday night the bed frame slipped apart for the last time and I had Tim come over and remove the frame. Now it is just the boxed springs and mattress, then last night Brandy, my cat, went the bathroom on the bed and I had to have someone come over and clean it up. At that time I decided the best step would be to have Brandy put to sleep. She has been suffering with End Stage Kidney Failure for the last 5 years and since Sam, mom's cat, came to live here it has really sent Brandy's health downhill fast. She was really looking and acting bad. It was time. That is the sadness though. She was the cat that has cuddled with me for all her life. I already miss her like crazy and I keep calling her sister Brandy. She was my baby. This sure has not been a good time. Mom dying in December, Grandma dying in January, Penny dying in February and now Brandy in March. Plus the surgery on my foot.
But the blessings have come too. Those people that I have mentioned basically had to move in with me, I don't know what I would have done without them. They have gone so far over and above what I would have thought. I am truly humbled that people love me enough to take precious time away from their families and lives to do things for me. Even those that I know can't come over because of the cats but who are faithfully praying for me. How amazing is that?
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the visualization of your Love in action. I am broken hearted about my cat and all the other things that have happened in my life these last several months and yet I am still able to laugh and smile because you continue to bring me blessing's inspite of the heartaches. Thank you for all those who have given up time to be with me. What a humbling and encouraging experience. You have helped me to lose some of my pride as well. My house isn't kept clean as you would want me to take care of the things you have given me but you are still allowing people to come in here and not form harsh judgements. Thank you for that. Please be with each person who is taking the time to help and who is praying. I covet those prayers even more than I do the help though I won't turn help down. In Jesus' Name, Amen
God Bless,
Karen
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Not sure how to title this post...
What to blog about? I guess I am going to blog about how I am struggling. Struggling with understanding why God continues to ask me to say goodbye to people that are special to me and not allowing me even some of the dreams that I have had in my heart since I was a little girl. I have struggled all my life with letting people get close and every time I do one of them passes away or leaves. I am sitting here on a Saturday night all alone again!!!! It hurts so bad. I will be 43 in a few months and none of my dreams have come true. Yes, there have been many blessings and I don't want to take away from them. But all I ever wanted as I was growing up was to be a wife and a mother. I just wanted to carry a child. To feel it move. To finally look into his/her eyes and see my eyes or my husbands eyes. It hurst more than I can say knowing that I will probably never have that opportunity. Yes, maybe some day God will bring me the husband but my biggest dream will probably never come true.
I have been going through probably the hardest journey I can ever imagine in this last 13 months. And I have never felt so alone. I know, I am feeling very sorry for myself and that makes me even madder at myself. One of my closest friends just passed away yesterday morning, her husband is now the single father of 4 children 6 and under, her children are now without a mother and her family is without a sister and daughter and I am sitting her feeling sorry for myself because I am alone on a Saturday night. That sounds so pathetic. I know that there are many that I could call and they would gladly take the time to talk with me or let me cry on their shoulder but they can't know my deepest hurts. They can't just hold me.
I have gained over 60 pounds back in the last year. I am continuing to turn to food and self loathing instead of God to comfort me. I don't know what He needs to do to get me to trust him. Look at the above part of the post, what does that tell you? It tells you that my focus is still always on my problems and not wanting to change. My house is a disaster, my mom's condo is not even close to being ready, I come home and immediately play on the computer instead of doing what I need to do.
I guess I don't know how to end this post or even what else to say.
I have been going through probably the hardest journey I can ever imagine in this last 13 months. And I have never felt so alone. I know, I am feeling very sorry for myself and that makes me even madder at myself. One of my closest friends just passed away yesterday morning, her husband is now the single father of 4 children 6 and under, her children are now without a mother and her family is without a sister and daughter and I am sitting her feeling sorry for myself because I am alone on a Saturday night. That sounds so pathetic. I know that there are many that I could call and they would gladly take the time to talk with me or let me cry on their shoulder but they can't know my deepest hurts. They can't just hold me.
I have gained over 60 pounds back in the last year. I am continuing to turn to food and self loathing instead of God to comfort me. I don't know what He needs to do to get me to trust him. Look at the above part of the post, what does that tell you? It tells you that my focus is still always on my problems and not wanting to change. My house is a disaster, my mom's condo is not even close to being ready, I come home and immediately play on the computer instead of doing what I need to do.
I guess I don't know how to end this post or even what else to say.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Breaking Heart
Wow, 2009 started off very hard with the diagnosis of cancer for Penny. If you don't know exactly who Penny is she is part of a family that I have known since I was 15 years old and who, in the last 20 years, has adopted me. I spend most of my holidays with them, I go to as many of the birthday's as I can. Her parents where there when the doctor told me that he was unable to save my mom.
The year was then followed by my mom's health declining. Especially during the last 4 months of the year.
Well, as you know, mom passed away on December 16, 2009 so I was hoping that 2010 would be better. So far it has not been that way. Two weeks ago they put my grandma, who was 101, into a nursing home. She had lived alone since my grandpa passed away 12 years ago. This past Wednesday I got the phone call that she had passed away. It is so hard to be sad for the loss of someone who had lived 101 years. She is my Grandma and I will miss her but I am so thankful that I had her in my life for so long. There are not many who can have that opportunity.
So, Penny has been fighting this cancer for over a year now. She was doing great until July. In July they did a surgery on the scar from her c-section. When in there they saw more cancer but were unable to remove it. Two weeks later she started having pain and her system was not processing food correctly. Finally in November she went in to the hospital and they found a blockage in her colon. They decided to do a colostomy to remove the blockage. It seemed that it was from the radiation but they found a tumor too so they removed it. A few weeks later, even before she had recovered from the first surgery she started having problems again, this time in her small intestines. She went back in and had surgery to remove that tumor and put a bag on her small intestines. It seems like the next day she started experiencing nausea and vomiting and has been in the hospital more than she has been home. She spent Thanksgiving and part of Christmas in the hospital (she was allowed to come home for Christmas day). She went back in 1 1/2 weeks ago and is still there.
The heart breaking part is that basically there doesn't seem to be anything else they can do. She is on a nutrition thing but that is actually hurting her so they may need to stop it. It is the only thing that is keeping her alive right now. When I went by on Tuesday to spend time with her she seemed to be doing so much better. She was eating and sitting up and looked great. Then they decided to do another test with barium. The barium didn't go anywhere, not her stomach, not her bags, nowhere. After that time she has gotten really bad with the nausea and sickness again. She can't eat anything.
I know that God can work a miracle and maybe He is waiting until everyone steps back and then He will step in and show his power and heal her. He also may choose to take her home. She is a wife (her anniversary of 7 years is this Monday) and a mother of 4 of the most beautiful children. It is just so hard to understand. I have no one that is counting on me, no husband, no children and not even my mom is here. I sometimes wonder why God chooses someone like Penny and not someone who isn't needed or loved so much. (I am not trying to say I am not loved or needed but I wouldn't be leaving a family like hers behind) Maybe He knows what a testimony and impact someone like Penny will have and has had so far on so many? There are 254 people in her Facebook group. There are many more who are praying for her and the family. When we would get down, she is the one who encourages us.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for being here for all of us. You know my heart and you know how broken it is right now. I am struggling so hard not to give up on you working that miracle but as a person who has lost so many friends and family I am really not doing well with this. Thank you for loving me dispite my uncertainty, fear and lack of faith. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
The year was then followed by my mom's health declining. Especially during the last 4 months of the year.
Well, as you know, mom passed away on December 16, 2009 so I was hoping that 2010 would be better. So far it has not been that way. Two weeks ago they put my grandma, who was 101, into a nursing home. She had lived alone since my grandpa passed away 12 years ago. This past Wednesday I got the phone call that she had passed away. It is so hard to be sad for the loss of someone who had lived 101 years. She is my Grandma and I will miss her but I am so thankful that I had her in my life for so long. There are not many who can have that opportunity.
So, Penny has been fighting this cancer for over a year now. She was doing great until July. In July they did a surgery on the scar from her c-section. When in there they saw more cancer but were unable to remove it. Two weeks later she started having pain and her system was not processing food correctly. Finally in November she went in to the hospital and they found a blockage in her colon. They decided to do a colostomy to remove the blockage. It seemed that it was from the radiation but they found a tumor too so they removed it. A few weeks later, even before she had recovered from the first surgery she started having problems again, this time in her small intestines. She went back in and had surgery to remove that tumor and put a bag on her small intestines. It seems like the next day she started experiencing nausea and vomiting and has been in the hospital more than she has been home. She spent Thanksgiving and part of Christmas in the hospital (she was allowed to come home for Christmas day). She went back in 1 1/2 weeks ago and is still there.
The heart breaking part is that basically there doesn't seem to be anything else they can do. She is on a nutrition thing but that is actually hurting her so they may need to stop it. It is the only thing that is keeping her alive right now. When I went by on Tuesday to spend time with her she seemed to be doing so much better. She was eating and sitting up and looked great. Then they decided to do another test with barium. The barium didn't go anywhere, not her stomach, not her bags, nowhere. After that time she has gotten really bad with the nausea and sickness again. She can't eat anything.
I know that God can work a miracle and maybe He is waiting until everyone steps back and then He will step in and show his power and heal her. He also may choose to take her home. She is a wife (her anniversary of 7 years is this Monday) and a mother of 4 of the most beautiful children. It is just so hard to understand. I have no one that is counting on me, no husband, no children and not even my mom is here. I sometimes wonder why God chooses someone like Penny and not someone who isn't needed or loved so much. (I am not trying to say I am not loved or needed but I wouldn't be leaving a family like hers behind) Maybe He knows what a testimony and impact someone like Penny will have and has had so far on so many? There are 254 people in her Facebook group. There are many more who are praying for her and the family. When we would get down, she is the one who encourages us.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for being here for all of us. You know my heart and you know how broken it is right now. I am struggling so hard not to give up on you working that miracle but as a person who has lost so many friends and family I am really not doing well with this. Thank you for loving me dispite my uncertainty, fear and lack of faith. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
He Is by Mark Shultz
As I left church tonight I was pretty down. Obviously I am still working through mom passing away in December, I found out today that my 101 year old Grandma has been put in a nursing home because of her health and my friend, Penny, is not doing well. I am struggling with my shoulder pain and still in the running for the achilles tendon surgery in March. I am also so disgusted with myself because I am reverting to the horrible way of eating that I have done in the past instead of facing up to my stress and sadness and fear. Only this time it seems to be worse. Saturday I cooked an entire bag of those mini premade cookies that all you have to break apart and bake. I ATE EVERY ONE OF THEM!!!! Then yesterday I ate 2 cookies and icecream from Dairy Queen and a lot of other stuff. Today I ate 3 pieces of corn bread, a cookie, a bag of jelly beans and a piece of cheesecake and many other things.
Well, when I was driving home the below song came on the radio. What a message from God. Now if I can just turn to Him and not food then maybe I will get somewhere.
Mark Schultz - He Is From the album Come Alive
Father let the world just fade away
Let me feel Your presence in this place
Lord I've never been so weary
How I need to know You're near me
Father let the world just fade away
'Til I'm on my knees
'Til my heart can sing
He is
He was
He always will be
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
He is
Father let Your Holy Spirit sing
Let it calm this storm inside of me
As I stand amazed
Lift my hands and say
He is
He was
He always will be
He lives
He loves
He's always with me
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still my soul
Through every fear
And every doubt
In every tear I shed
Down every road I'm not alone
No matter where I am
He is
He was
He always will be
He lives
He loves
He's always with me
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still my soul
Be still and know
Be still my soul
He is
Label: Word / Curb / Warner Bros.
Well, when I was driving home the below song came on the radio. What a message from God. Now if I can just turn to Him and not food then maybe I will get somewhere.
Mark Schultz - He Is From the album Come Alive
Father let the world just fade away
Let me feel Your presence in this place
Lord I've never been so weary
How I need to know You're near me
Father let the world just fade away
'Til I'm on my knees
'Til my heart can sing
He is
He was
He always will be
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
He is
Father let Your Holy Spirit sing
Let it calm this storm inside of me
As I stand amazed
Lift my hands and say
He is
He was
He always will be
He lives
He loves
He's always with me
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still my soul
Through every fear
And every doubt
In every tear I shed
Down every road I'm not alone
No matter where I am
He is
He was
He always will be
He lives
He loves
He's always with me
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still my soul
Be still and know
Be still my soul
He is
Label: Word / Curb / Warner Bros.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Potential Surgery
Okay, so I have posted that I have a torn Achilles Tendon. I spoke with my doctor's office this week and even though it is not official the nurse was pretty sure that I would have surgery and that I will be off 3 MONTHS!!!!! at a minimum. 2 of those months I would be completely off my foot. This is not a good thing.
First of all I only have enough time, starting March 14th, to cover 2 months, 1 week and 1 day. That means I will not take any other days off between now and March 14th of 2011. Also, what will I do about money. This estimate is a minimum. I plan on doing everything the doctor tells me but you never know.
I know that I am borrowing trouble by worrying about it now. Christ says in Matthew 6:27 (New International Version) "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" But not worrying is hard for me to do.
The other concern I have is that I don't want to have to rely on anyone to help take care of me. After spending so much time seeing mom rely on everyone else to solve her problems and take care of her I am the opposite. I don't want to have to have anyone help me. I have also been let down in the past by the people that I was supposed to be able to rely on and so even though so many of my friends have volunteered to be there for me and help I am fearful that they will not come through. That is not fair to them. I know this in my mind but still struggle with it. This is something that the Lord and I have to work on these next two months leading up to the potential surgery. It is a HUGE stumbling block for me. I know this but again struggle with not having these feelings.
Finally I need to lose as much weight as I can between now and March 15th. When I started my weight loss journey I lost 36 pounds in the same time period. I was not doing much exercising then so if I can keep up with my upper body and core exercises and go back to eating the way I was back then I will be able to do the same or better. So far I have been doing okay. Not 100% but better than I have been. Struggling more this time but...
So, I covet your prayers during this time. If you are one of the many who have offered to help in any way you can please know that I will take you up on it. I just have to check my insecurity and pride at the door. I have a hard time trusting and it has nothing to do with any of you. I love you and appreciate all you do.
God Bless,
Karen
First of all I only have enough time, starting March 14th, to cover 2 months, 1 week and 1 day. That means I will not take any other days off between now and March 14th of 2011. Also, what will I do about money. This estimate is a minimum. I plan on doing everything the doctor tells me but you never know.
I know that I am borrowing trouble by worrying about it now. Christ says in Matthew 6:27 (New International Version) "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" But not worrying is hard for me to do.
The other concern I have is that I don't want to have to rely on anyone to help take care of me. After spending so much time seeing mom rely on everyone else to solve her problems and take care of her I am the opposite. I don't want to have to have anyone help me. I have also been let down in the past by the people that I was supposed to be able to rely on and so even though so many of my friends have volunteered to be there for me and help I am fearful that they will not come through. That is not fair to them. I know this in my mind but still struggle with it. This is something that the Lord and I have to work on these next two months leading up to the potential surgery. It is a HUGE stumbling block for me. I know this but again struggle with not having these feelings.
Finally I need to lose as much weight as I can between now and March 15th. When I started my weight loss journey I lost 36 pounds in the same time period. I was not doing much exercising then so if I can keep up with my upper body and core exercises and go back to eating the way I was back then I will be able to do the same or better. So far I have been doing okay. Not 100% but better than I have been. Struggling more this time but...
So, I covet your prayers during this time. If you are one of the many who have offered to help in any way you can please know that I will take you up on it. I just have to check my insecurity and pride at the door. I have a hard time trusting and it has nothing to do with any of you. I love you and appreciate all you do.
God Bless,
Karen
Sunday, December 27, 2009
God's Prayer Answer?
Wow, I am not even sure where to begin. If you have been reading this blog then you know that one of the main reasons I have struggled with my weight is because my mom and I have been co-dependent together. I have written several times about the emotional struggles that we have had. Well, I wondered after she attempted to take her life in September why she wasn't successful if she was just going to continue to be sick and struggle. I think I have figured a part of it out. Our relationship has been a struggle for my entire life. I blamed her for so many things in my life. This was not fair to her but it is what happened. I have been taking care of her with a bad attitude. Well, the last 4 months we have had an opportunity to work on our relationship. I was able to tell her I loved her several times and we were finally able to talk about some things. Well, I think the reason that she survived the overdose was so that we can make our relationship better. Unfortunately, we only had the 3 months. I checked on her on Tuesday, December 15th and she was playing on the computer and ate a sub I brought. At 11:45pm that night I got a call from the care center telling me that she had pushed her alert button because she was having trouble breathing again. I was pretty mad at her for waiting until so late at night to make the call. I got up, got dressed and by the time I got to her house which is 5 minutes from me, she was in full cardiac arrest. The paramedics were doing CPR but they were unable to get a pulse. They rushed her to the hospital and the doctor's got a pulse for a few minutes but the doctor told me it looked bad. Phil and Sue Miller came to be with me that night and they will never know how much that meant to me. Also, a friend from high school was working in the ER that night too and he came in the room. The doctor came in a few minutes later and told me that he had done everything he could but he was unable to save my mom. My mom passed away almost 3 months to the day that she had attempted to take her life.
As it snows outside I feel such a sense of aloneness but yet a sense of relief. Aloneness because she is basically the only one who calls me on the phone. I am not much of a phone person but if we didn't talk everyday I would be concerned. The relief comes in a few forms. One is that I was not looking forward to figuring out how to handle the winter. She would have basically be housebound and that would have made her depression so much worse. She doesn't have to worry about that now. She would have relyed on me so much more and it was already hard to keep up with her needs and all the things that I have to do.
There is also fear on my part. Fear that if something ever happens to me who will know my wishes, will there be anyone who will be willing to go through all my stuff. When I have a hard time with losing my mom will I have anyone who will be there just to hold me? Also, as I have mentioned earlier, we were both co-dependents. Now my "excuse" for not losing weight, for not saving money, for all the things that I blamed my mom on is not there. Will I be able to make the changes that are needed? I am really struggling with the right side of my body. It hurts from the shoulder all the way down to my leg. When I sit for even a short period of time I have a hard time standing and then walking. It takes a few minutes to be able to walk. It scares me. I don't want to end up in a wheelchair and with a shortened life like my mom had.
I just ask for prayer as I transition through this new chapter in my life. As I said earlier, 2009 has not been a good year. I am praying that 2010 is a good year and that the changes needed to live a life that glorifies God will take place.
God Bless,
Karen
As it snows outside I feel such a sense of aloneness but yet a sense of relief. Aloneness because she is basically the only one who calls me on the phone. I am not much of a phone person but if we didn't talk everyday I would be concerned. The relief comes in a few forms. One is that I was not looking forward to figuring out how to handle the winter. She would have basically be housebound and that would have made her depression so much worse. She doesn't have to worry about that now. She would have relyed on me so much more and it was already hard to keep up with her needs and all the things that I have to do.
There is also fear on my part. Fear that if something ever happens to me who will know my wishes, will there be anyone who will be willing to go through all my stuff. When I have a hard time with losing my mom will I have anyone who will be there just to hold me? Also, as I have mentioned earlier, we were both co-dependents. Now my "excuse" for not losing weight, for not saving money, for all the things that I blamed my mom on is not there. Will I be able to make the changes that are needed? I am really struggling with the right side of my body. It hurts from the shoulder all the way down to my leg. When I sit for even a short period of time I have a hard time standing and then walking. It takes a few minutes to be able to walk. It scares me. I don't want to end up in a wheelchair and with a shortened life like my mom had.
I just ask for prayer as I transition through this new chapter in my life. As I said earlier, 2009 has not been a good year. I am praying that 2010 is a good year and that the changes needed to live a life that glorifies God will take place.
God Bless,
Karen
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