WARNING: Pity Party Post-proceed with Caution

Okay, so if you have continued to read you are a gluton for punishment. This will be a long and complaining post. Okay, I have given you enough warning - here it goes.

I am so stressed out about so many things that I continue to make horrible choices. Not only in my eating but in my spending of money and the way I take care of myself and my house. I got up this morning and went to Tee Jays and had 3 scrambled eggs, 3 slices of bacon, hashbrowns and 2 slices of wheat toast, then I went to the hospital to see Abraham and then stopped in the cafeteria at the hospital and ate a personal supreme pizza from Pizza Hut and a salad. Then I stopped at the gift shop and bought to small pieces of chocolate and a reese cup, then I went to Applebees and ate the pick three appetizer of Mini Chicken sandwiches, Steak wraps and buffalo chicken bites with bbq sauce. Finally I came home and ate a box of gummie candy.

In all of that I spent around $30.00 for food and junk I didn't need and really didn't want.

So, you may ask, what is causing me to make these choices? Well, there is a list of things going on in my life but the long and short of it is that I am using food as my escape and in a round about way I am deciding that I am not worth losing the weight because I am not a very good person because of my struggle with my frustrations with my family. Okay, before you all start "commenting" on this post let me finish.

I know that I am worth it. God did not make me in His image to be worthless. He created me because He loves me very much and has a lot of things in store for me. And I am still looking forward to what those things are going to be.

But right now I am just struggling with a family who is not speaking to each other and therefore leaving one family member relying on me to be the only one this person has left and expecting me to make this person happy. That is HUGE pressure to put on my shoulders and I am human so I am going to let them down. No matter how hard I try. I can not make anyone happy. That has to come from God and this person is not willing to reach out to Him. It still doesn't make it any easier. Also, I have had several people over the last few weeks ask me if I have children. They don't know any better but they don't realize how much that question hurts. My whole life the main thing I wanted to be was a wife and a mother and God has not allowed that into my life at this point yet. It is so hard to have that question asked and knowing that I am already in my 40's and even if He does bring someone to marry I will be almost 42 and then trying to carry a child at that point would be such a risk. Finally there is the finances. I am living in a house that I can't afford, I have a burnt out headlight, a burnt out breaklight and I can't pay my bills yet I continue to spend money eating out, keeping directtv on 3 televisions and paying for the internet. I have no savings and my credit is horrible. Again, my priority is food. Okay, this is the finally, I am sitting at home AGAIN on another Saturday night. I had a chance to go to a birthday party for one of the girls from the gym but it is at a bar and I just don't want to go to those types of places. That can only lead to trouble. Maybe not tonight but... I sat at home again last night after I got off work too. I started my vacation this week and have no money to go anywhere.

So, I told you this was going to be a bad one but one of the things I wanted to do with this journal was write the good and the bad. I know that lately it has all been bad as far as me personally. For two months I have struggled big time. BUT - I know that it will get better. As I said earlier I know that God has something special planned for all of this and maybe allowing me to go pretty low is one way He is trying to get me to truly trust Him and to see that no matter what He is always with me and does love me?

So, I have posted my pity party day and am sitting here sobbing my eyes out but in a lot of ways it is a healing cry. Tomorrow is another day and with His help it will be a good one. I will take it one meal at a time again. That is how He had me do it when I started in October and that is how I have to do it again.

Thanks for listening!! I know that you all love me and are praying for me and want the best. I thank Him for that all the time. Enjoy your day tomorrow.

God Bless,
Karen

Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.