A Long Time

Sorry it has been so long between posts. I have just been very discouraged with the "weight loss journey" since I have successfully put back on the 107 pounds I originally lost along with an additional 5 pounds.



The other day we went to York Steak House and I was showing the train set to one of the little girls with me. Her mom took a picture and I have it posted in the entry. When I saw this picture of me I was horrified. I know I am big and I know I look big but when you see it in a picture it really hits home what others see. Now, before you all start yelling at me that you see the inside and not the outside, etc. I understand that and I love you for it but you have to see the awful physical changes in me.


I am going to start the Biggest Loser at the gym again on January 10th and I pray that I am able to keep up and am able to start getting this weight back off.


Thanks for your prayers, love and support. I will get back on track and get this taken care of.


God Bless,
Karen

Fact versus Fiction Pt 2

A week ago I was sitting around thinking of my relationship with mom. Mostly about the fact that I would get so frustrated with her because she wouldn't fight for herself. I was willing to come along side of her and help her fight but she had to be the one to want to make the choices to get better. Then I realized that I was doing the same thing. No one can fight for me to lose this weight, get healthy and open my heart to love.

So, last week I was doing okay. Not great but better. By Saturday I had lost 3 pounds of the 109 I had gained back. But this week I am struggling again. It hit me today why. Satan continues to tell me that I am not worth the fight. I don't feel lovable on the level that I crave. I want that intimate level of love but he continues to tell me that I am not lovable and never will be no matter what I do. And the thing that really makes me mad is that I let his voice overpower Christ's. I know in my head that I am a child of God's and that He sent His son to die on the cross for me but for some reason I struggle with believing that I could be lovable.

Dear Heavenly Father, I need you to please step in and help me to fight the pull of Satan's negative words. Help me to focus on the fact that you love me no matter what and that you did make me special and in your image and that I am lovable. That I am not worthless. I know that kids love me and that the church family you brought to me love me and even when I don't hear from my family, that they love me too but my heart aches so much for that intimate love of a husband and wife and yet I continue to believe that it will never happen. Lord, I believe that you gave me this desire so you must have something so special coming up. Please help me to turn this over to you.
In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Fiction and real life

Okay. I don't know if anyone is reading this any more and I don't blame you as it is usually a lot of time between posting but if you are reading this you know that I am a HUGE fiction reader. In fact I just arrived home from a 2 day "Baxter Family Reunion" that was hosted by Christian Fiction author, Karen Kingsbury.

Well, I have this theory about God sending me messages through the fiction books since He knows I struggle with reading non-fiction. I just finished a book and I wanted to print some of what the book said and how it seems to fit my feelings. It comes from a book called "Midnight Caller" by author Diane Burke. It is a Love Inspired Suspense book. I am typing this without thier permission but since I am not selling anything and I have given them full credit hopefully my blog won't get shut down. : ^ )

"...If I live my life afraid to love someone because they might die...or because they might leave...I'm going to live a lonely, empty life." It goes on to a couple of paragraphs expounding on that then takes up again with, "I realize those pieces of my heart are gone and can never be replaced. But I also realize the only way to protect my heart from pain of loss is to never love..." "And to never love...is the worst kind of death. God knows how important it is to love. He made it one of His greatest commandments."

So now I have to figure out how to take what He is showing me in a fiction book and do something about it.

Please pray that I take that and learn from it.

Thanks,
God Bless,
Karen

Today and Tomorrow

I love the month of June. Summer is arriving but there are still days that are cool and the sky is beautiful. It also happens to be a month when there are a lot of birthday's of people I care about. It also happens to be the month I was born.

As I reflect on this past year I have realized some very wonderful things and some very heart breaking things. I have realized that I am blessed with many wonderful friends and family. People that I have been friends with but who have stepped up and been there in the hardest time of my adult life. I don't know, without God and without him bringing those people into my life, I would have EVER made it through the stuff that I have gone through. Has it been easy? NO!!! Have I made some bad choices on how I deal with things? OH YEA!!! But in all of that God still loves me and continues to bless me with amazing people.

A couple of the things that I have realized that have been heartbreaking is that tomorrow when I wake up will be the first time in 43 years that my mom has not called me or woken me up by singing happy birthday to me. I had no idea how sad that would make me. I also used to be embarrassed when she would send me flowers on my birthday to work because they came from my mom instead of a boyfriend or husband, now I really want those flowers to come tomorrow from her but I know that won't happen either. I also realized that for the first time in several years I will not get a birthday card from my grandma with lines drawn on the inside so that she writes her note in a straight line. And also that I won't get a gingerbread cake from Penny ever again. Several years ago I told her that when I was a little girl the babysitter we had after school would always have warm gingerbread cake and milk ready for my brother and I when we went to her house. That next birthday Penny made me a wonderful gingerbread cake. It is amazing how these small little things made such an impact on me. You wouldn't think they could but they did.

The other thing I am thinking of is that today would have been my friend, Terry's, 44 birthday. He was a year older than me but we were in the same grade because his mom held his older brother back and she didn't want them in the same class. Terry and I were only about 20 kids that went to the same middle and high school. We became very good friends and people called us laurel and hardy. It was so hard for us when we graduated from high school and realized that we wouldn't be going to school together any more. Terry went away to school first down in Tennessee to become a minister. I went a month later. The day I went to college I opened my mailbox and there was a letter from Terry. It was so special!!! That following spring, 1986, I got a call from a mutual friend telling me that Terry had drowned in a quarry in Tennessee. I was crushed. He was an amazing friend and person!!! I couldn't believe that Terry was gone. It has been 24 years and I still have a hard time believing that he is gone. Today, for some reason, this birthday of his seems to be hitting me harder than any in the past. Maybe because of everything that has happened.

So, as I turn older tomorrow at 10:52pm I will try to concentrate on the blessings that have been given to me and not dwell on the things that have broken my heart. The best part is that I know that I will someday see at least 3 of the 4 people again in heaven.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. If you have a relationship with Christ can I ask you to pray for an unspoken prayer request? If not today would be a great day to come to a saving relationship with Christ. That prayer would be completely different but much more important and a much bigger blessing than the unspoken.

Starting today?

It has been a very hard last year and 1/2. I have noted a lot of things going on so I won't go into those again but I know I haven't really posted in awhile so I thought I would just drop a note.

Monday I was given permission for full weight bearing on my foot. I was very surprised since it has only been 5 weeks today. Normally it is much longer for weight bearing. I am very thankful. I know that the prayers that my friends have been lifting up are being heard. I started Physical Therapy Monday and went back to the gym today. I didn't do a lot but the one thing I did do was weigh in. I had expected to have put on a lot being immoble and eating a lot of bad food but my current weight is 372. That is only 20 pounds less than where I was when I started the journey in 2007 but since I was expecting it to be back to the original weight I was pleasantly surprised. Now I just need to go back down.

I know that I can do this. I just need to make the decision and let God do what he was doing the last time and stop fighting him. Please pray.

Thanks and God Bless,
Karen

Blessings among Sadness

Well, I am sitting here on a twin bed in my living room 5 day's post op from having Achilles Tendon Surgery. There is basically no pain in my foot but it has not been easy. I did not wake up well from anestesia (spelling) and then have been home and have had to have people basically living with me the first 3 days of this process. It has been hard. Today is the first day that I have not had someone here most of the day.
Monday night the bed frame slipped apart for the last time and I had Tim come over and remove the frame. Now it is just the boxed springs and mattress, then last night Brandy, my cat, went the bathroom on the bed and I had to have someone come over and clean it up. At that time I decided the best step would be to have Brandy put to sleep. She has been suffering with End Stage Kidney Failure for the last 5 years and since Sam, mom's cat, came to live here it has really sent Brandy's health downhill fast. She was really looking and acting bad. It was time. That is the sadness though. She was the cat that has cuddled with me for all her life. I already miss her like crazy and I keep calling her sister Brandy. She was my baby. This sure has not been a good time. Mom dying in December, Grandma dying in January, Penny dying in February and now Brandy in March. Plus the surgery on my foot.

But the blessings have come too. Those people that I have mentioned basically had to move in with me, I don't know what I would have done without them. They have gone so far over and above what I would have thought. I am truly humbled that people love me enough to take precious time away from their families and lives to do things for me. Even those that I know can't come over because of the cats but who are faithfully praying for me. How amazing is that?

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the visualization of your Love in action. I am broken hearted about my cat and all the other things that have happened in my life these last several months and yet I am still able to laugh and smile because you continue to bring me blessing's inspite of the heartaches. Thank you for all those who have given up time to be with me. What a humbling and encouraging experience. You have helped me to lose some of my pride as well. My house isn't kept clean as you would want me to take care of the things you have given me but you are still allowing people to come in here and not form harsh judgements. Thank you for that. Please be with each person who is taking the time to help and who is praying. I covet those prayers even more than I do the help though I won't turn help down. In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Not sure how to title this post...

What to blog about? I guess I am going to blog about how I am struggling. Struggling with understanding why God continues to ask me to say goodbye to people that are special to me and not allowing me even some of the dreams that I have had in my heart since I was a little girl. I have struggled all my life with letting people get close and every time I do one of them passes away or leaves. I am sitting here on a Saturday night all alone again!!!! It hurts so bad. I will be 43 in a few months and none of my dreams have come true. Yes, there have been many blessings and I don't want to take away from them. But all I ever wanted as I was growing up was to be a wife and a mother. I just wanted to carry a child. To feel it move. To finally look into his/her eyes and see my eyes or my husbands eyes. It hurst more than I can say knowing that I will probably never have that opportunity. Yes, maybe some day God will bring me the husband but my biggest dream will probably never come true.

I have been going through probably the hardest journey I can ever imagine in this last 13 months. And I have never felt so alone. I know, I am feeling very sorry for myself and that makes me even madder at myself. One of my closest friends just passed away yesterday morning, her husband is now the single father of 4 children 6 and under, her children are now without a mother and her family is without a sister and daughter and I am sitting her feeling sorry for myself because I am alone on a Saturday night. That sounds so pathetic. I know that there are many that I could call and they would gladly take the time to talk with me or let me cry on their shoulder but they can't know my deepest hurts. They can't just hold me.

I have gained over 60 pounds back in the last year. I am continuing to turn to food and self loathing instead of God to comfort me. I don't know what He needs to do to get me to trust him. Look at the above part of the post, what does that tell you? It tells you that my focus is still always on my problems and not wanting to change. My house is a disaster, my mom's condo is not even close to being ready, I come home and immediately play on the computer instead of doing what I need to do.

I guess I don't know how to end this post or even what else to say.

Breaking Heart

Wow, 2009 started off very hard with the diagnosis of cancer for Penny. If you don't know exactly who Penny is she is part of a family that I have known since I was 15 years old and who, in the last 20 years, has adopted me. I spend most of my holidays with them, I go to as many of the birthday's as I can. Her parents where there when the doctor told me that he was unable to save my mom.

The year was then followed by my mom's health declining. Especially during the last 4 months of the year.

Well, as you know, mom passed away on December 16, 2009 so I was hoping that 2010 would be better. So far it has not been that way. Two weeks ago they put my grandma, who was 101, into a nursing home. She had lived alone since my grandpa passed away 12 years ago. This past Wednesday I got the phone call that she had passed away. It is so hard to be sad for the loss of someone who had lived 101 years. She is my Grandma and I will miss her but I am so thankful that I had her in my life for so long. There are not many who can have that opportunity.

So, Penny has been fighting this cancer for over a year now. She was doing great until July. In July they did a surgery on the scar from her c-section. When in there they saw more cancer but were unable to remove it. Two weeks later she started having pain and her system was not processing food correctly. Finally in November she went in to the hospital and they found a blockage in her colon. They decided to do a colostomy to remove the blockage. It seemed that it was from the radiation but they found a tumor too so they removed it. A few weeks later, even before she had recovered from the first surgery she started having problems again, this time in her small intestines. She went back in and had surgery to remove that tumor and put a bag on her small intestines. It seems like the next day she started experiencing nausea and vomiting and has been in the hospital more than she has been home. She spent Thanksgiving and part of Christmas in the hospital (she was allowed to come home for Christmas day). She went back in 1 1/2 weeks ago and is still there.

The heart breaking part is that basically there doesn't seem to be anything else they can do. She is on a nutrition thing but that is actually hurting her so they may need to stop it. It is the only thing that is keeping her alive right now. When I went by on Tuesday to spend time with her she seemed to be doing so much better. She was eating and sitting up and looked great. Then they decided to do another test with barium. The barium didn't go anywhere, not her stomach, not her bags, nowhere. After that time she has gotten really bad with the nausea and sickness again. She can't eat anything.

I know that God can work a miracle and maybe He is waiting until everyone steps back and then He will step in and show his power and heal her. He also may choose to take her home. She is a wife (her anniversary of 7 years is this Monday) and a mother of 4 of the most beautiful children. It is just so hard to understand. I have no one that is counting on me, no husband, no children and not even my mom is here. I sometimes wonder why God chooses someone like Penny and not someone who isn't needed or loved so much. (I am not trying to say I am not loved or needed but I wouldn't be leaving a family like hers behind) Maybe He knows what a testimony and impact someone like Penny will have and has had so far on so many? There are 254 people in her Facebook group. There are many more who are praying for her and the family. When we would get down, she is the one who encourages us.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for being here for all of us. You know my heart and you know how broken it is right now. I am struggling so hard not to give up on you working that miracle but as a person who has lost so many friends and family I am really not doing well with this. Thank you for loving me dispite my uncertainty, fear and lack of faith. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

He Is by Mark Shultz

As I left church tonight I was pretty down. Obviously I am still working through mom passing away in December, I found out today that my 101 year old Grandma has been put in a nursing home because of her health and my friend, Penny, is not doing well. I am struggling with my shoulder pain and still in the running for the achilles tendon surgery in March. I am also so disgusted with myself because I am reverting to the horrible way of eating that I have done in the past instead of facing up to my stress and sadness and fear. Only this time it seems to be worse. Saturday I cooked an entire bag of those mini premade cookies that all you have to break apart and bake. I ATE EVERY ONE OF THEM!!!! Then yesterday I ate 2 cookies and icecream from Dairy Queen and a lot of other stuff. Today I ate 3 pieces of corn bread, a cookie, a bag of jelly beans and a piece of cheesecake and many other things.

Well, when I was driving home the below song came on the radio. What a message from God. Now if I can just turn to Him and not food then maybe I will get somewhere.

Mark Schultz - He Is From the album Come Alive
Father let the world just fade away
Let me feel Your presence in this place
Lord I've never been so weary
How I need to know You're near me
Father let the world just fade away
'Til I'm on my knees
'Til my heart can sing
He is
He was
He always will be
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
He is
Father let Your Holy Spirit sing
Let it calm this storm inside of me
As I stand amazed
Lift my hands and say
He is
He was
He always will be
He lives
He loves
He's always with me
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still my soul
Through every fear
And every doubt
In every tear I shed
Down every road I'm not alone
No matter where I am
He is
He was
He always will be
He lives
He loves
He's always with me
Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still my soul
Be still and know
Be still my soul
He is
Label: Word / Curb / Warner Bros.

Potential Surgery

Okay, so I have posted that I have a torn Achilles Tendon. I spoke with my doctor's office this week and even though it is not official the nurse was pretty sure that I would have surgery and that I will be off 3 MONTHS!!!!! at a minimum. 2 of those months I would be completely off my foot. This is not a good thing.

First of all I only have enough time, starting March 14th, to cover 2 months, 1 week and 1 day. That means I will not take any other days off between now and March 14th of 2011. Also, what will I do about money. This estimate is a minimum. I plan on doing everything the doctor tells me but you never know.

I know that I am borrowing trouble by worrying about it now. Christ says in Matthew 6:27 (New International Version) "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" But not worrying is hard for me to do.

The other concern I have is that I don't want to have to rely on anyone to help take care of me. After spending so much time seeing mom rely on everyone else to solve her problems and take care of her I am the opposite. I don't want to have to have anyone help me. I have also been let down in the past by the people that I was supposed to be able to rely on and so even though so many of my friends have volunteered to be there for me and help I am fearful that they will not come through. That is not fair to them. I know this in my mind but still struggle with it. This is something that the Lord and I have to work on these next two months leading up to the potential surgery. It is a HUGE stumbling block for me. I know this but again struggle with not having these feelings.

Finally I need to lose as much weight as I can between now and March 15th. When I started my weight loss journey I lost 36 pounds in the same time period. I was not doing much exercising then so if I can keep up with my upper body and core exercises and go back to eating the way I was back then I will be able to do the same or better. So far I have been doing okay. Not 100% but better than I have been. Struggling more this time but...

So, I covet your prayers during this time. If you are one of the many who have offered to help in any way you can please know that I will take you up on it. I just have to check my insecurity and pride at the door. I have a hard time trusting and it has nothing to do with any of you. I love you and appreciate all you do.

God Bless,
Karen