WARNING: Pity Party Post-proceed with Caution

Okay, so if you have continued to read you are a gluton for punishment. This will be a long and complaining post. Okay, I have given you enough warning - here it goes.

I am so stressed out about so many things that I continue to make horrible choices. Not only in my eating but in my spending of money and the way I take care of myself and my house. I got up this morning and went to Tee Jays and had 3 scrambled eggs, 3 slices of bacon, hashbrowns and 2 slices of wheat toast, then I went to the hospital to see Abraham and then stopped in the cafeteria at the hospital and ate a personal supreme pizza from Pizza Hut and a salad. Then I stopped at the gift shop and bought to small pieces of chocolate and a reese cup, then I went to Applebees and ate the pick three appetizer of Mini Chicken sandwiches, Steak wraps and buffalo chicken bites with bbq sauce. Finally I came home and ate a box of gummie candy.

In all of that I spent around $30.00 for food and junk I didn't need and really didn't want.

So, you may ask, what is causing me to make these choices? Well, there is a list of things going on in my life but the long and short of it is that I am using food as my escape and in a round about way I am deciding that I am not worth losing the weight because I am not a very good person because of my struggle with my frustrations with my family. Okay, before you all start "commenting" on this post let me finish.

I know that I am worth it. God did not make me in His image to be worthless. He created me because He loves me very much and has a lot of things in store for me. And I am still looking forward to what those things are going to be.

But right now I am just struggling with a family who is not speaking to each other and therefore leaving one family member relying on me to be the only one this person has left and expecting me to make this person happy. That is HUGE pressure to put on my shoulders and I am human so I am going to let them down. No matter how hard I try. I can not make anyone happy. That has to come from God and this person is not willing to reach out to Him. It still doesn't make it any easier. Also, I have had several people over the last few weeks ask me if I have children. They don't know any better but they don't realize how much that question hurts. My whole life the main thing I wanted to be was a wife and a mother and God has not allowed that into my life at this point yet. It is so hard to have that question asked and knowing that I am already in my 40's and even if He does bring someone to marry I will be almost 42 and then trying to carry a child at that point would be such a risk. Finally there is the finances. I am living in a house that I can't afford, I have a burnt out headlight, a burnt out breaklight and I can't pay my bills yet I continue to spend money eating out, keeping directtv on 3 televisions and paying for the internet. I have no savings and my credit is horrible. Again, my priority is food. Okay, this is the finally, I am sitting at home AGAIN on another Saturday night. I had a chance to go to a birthday party for one of the girls from the gym but it is at a bar and I just don't want to go to those types of places. That can only lead to trouble. Maybe not tonight but... I sat at home again last night after I got off work too. I started my vacation this week and have no money to go anywhere.

So, I told you this was going to be a bad one but one of the things I wanted to do with this journal was write the good and the bad. I know that lately it has all been bad as far as me personally. For two months I have struggled big time. BUT - I know that it will get better. As I said earlier I know that God has something special planned for all of this and maybe allowing me to go pretty low is one way He is trying to get me to truly trust Him and to see that no matter what He is always with me and does love me?

So, I have posted my pity party day and am sitting here sobbing my eyes out but in a lot of ways it is a healing cry. Tomorrow is another day and with His help it will be a good one. I will take it one meal at a time again. That is how He had me do it when I started in October and that is how I have to do it again.

Thanks for listening!! I know that you all love me and are praying for me and want the best. I thank Him for that all the time. Enjoy your day tomorrow.

God Bless,
Karen

Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

New Day

Okay, so I have continued to make poor choices in my food and still have only gone up a couple of pounds. I know the exercise is helping but I really need to get back on track. I have been between 98 and 102 pounds lost since the first of July. Obviously I am doing things wrong. Not trying to get sympathy or anything I am just stating facts.

We start the Biggest Loser again on Monday for 6 weeks. I am really going to try. I have to get moving in the right direction again. So far the weight loss has helped a lot but I still have a lot to go to get healthy.

I guess I am going to have to go back to the one meal at a time mentality. AND NO FAST FOOD!!!!!

Thanks again for listening and praying,
God Bless,
Karen

Becoming an "Aunt" Again

Well, it looks like I will get to meet my new "nephew" 6 weeks earlier than anticipated. My friend, Penny, went into early labor last night and they are moving her to delivery right now. Since he is her 4th he will probably come quickly.

I can't wait to meet him but I pray that he and mom do well. He is already at around 6lbs 6 ozs so he should be okay but it is still scary.

I will keep you posted and post the picture as soon as I have one.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. I AM AN "AUNT" AGAIN. Can't give name, weight, length or anything cause I don't know it yet but here is his first picture.


P.S.S. He is 5lbs, 12oz and 19 1/4 inches long. Could be in NICU up to 4 weeks so pray for him and his family. Currently his name is "Billy Bob" (Thanks Grandma & Grandpa) because his ID Bracelet has his last name and then bb for baby boy.

It's the little things

I did not want to go to the gym last night. I was reading a good book and was tired so I just wanted to go home and do nothing. Well, I forced myself to go anyway. I knew I would regret it if I didn't go.

When I got there I had one of the trainers do my measurements again so I could put off working out. Okay, I have noticed my angel wing arms seem to be getting smaller so I was curious to see if it was wishful thinking or really happening but the putting off working out was part of it too.

So, guess what? It wasn't wishful thinking. I lost 1 inch off my arm from the end of July until today. Pretty cool huh? It is the Body Burn class I am taking on Wednesdays plus the hard arm workout. I love it. So, over all since I started this journey I have lost 62.25 inches. That is a lot. Still a lot to go but it is working.

By the way, I ended up doing some cardio then I did the beginner step class!!!! WOW!!! I am sore today and how do you keep up with the "L" step thingy while going from one side of the step to the other? I am not coordinated for that.

Tonight is kickboxing and body burn so I should be pretty sore again tomorrow but it is a good sore.

God bless,
Karen

Not a lot going on

I guess this is what you would call the lull in the action. I am still slowly losing weight, nothing spectacular is happening right now. Still a lot of stresses going on in my life financially and family wise so there isn't a lot to talk about.

I did do the Cardio Kick-Boxing class last night then went right into the Body Pump class with weights. I do feel it today that is for sure. Just be careful. If I keep up with this kick-boxing I may be able to defend myself sometime in the near future!!! : ^ )

I pray that things are going well for you all?

So, that is my update for today. If anything fun and exciting happens soon I will let you know.

God Bless,
Karen

Lax on Posting

I am sorry to anyone who actually reads this blog for my lack of updating. I left you all hanging with a bad attitude/feeling sorry for myself moment.

I wanted to let you know that things are better I am just SWAMPED!!! Between working, we are training for a new software program and the information I needed was a little delayed on Monday so I worked until 8pm, sitting through the training classes and then trying to keep up with normal work, working out (I have been only twice this week), church, meetings and everything else that makes up a day I have been crazy.

I did start to go down again with the weight. I am not any further than the 100 pound loss from October but at least it went down and since I haven't had the chance to work out much so I sweat the weight off I believe it is actual weight that will remain off.

Thank you to all the people who have continued to support me through this stressful, struggling time!!! I don't know how to say how special and important your kind words, prayers and encouragment has been. A few weeks ago I posted a message about this journey heading to a new level. It looks like it will happen but could be 6 months to a year from now. Just know that you all are part of that change. Names may not be mentioned but God knows who I mean and you will know as well.

On a side note, please pray for my 3 year old "nephew". He broke his leg on Monday night and will most likely be in a full leg cast for several weeks. It runs from almost his hip to his little toes. Also pray for his family. I will post a picture when I get it uploaded.

Again, thank you for your support, patients, friendship and most of all your prayers. I know that you are saying them and I know that God hears everyone of them.

God Bless,
Karen