Well, I am not sure how many people read this blog anymore which is fine. This blog was started for me to share my feelings about losing weight. I have always hoped to be honest with my postings and I know that sometimes they get negative when I am doing my "reflection". Well, this one will probably come across like that as well.
Tonight on the Biggest Loser the contestant that got voted off was preparing for her wedding. She had tried on a size 24 wedding dress at the beginning of the show and as of the time she was voted off was able to fit into a size 12. She looked beautiful. It made me really sad. I know that my focus needs to be on the Lord and I want that but I also get so lonely and feel like He doesn't want anyone to come into my life. I have gone almost 42 years without someone and it just makes me think that something is terribly wrong with me. I feel loved by the people at church and by the kids and by my friends but it is not the kind of love that I crave and desire. I come home each night to a VERY DIRTY house and the only thing I want to do is play on the computer and watch tv. I work two jobs, I work out, I go to church and when I finally come home I don't want to do anything. If I can't take care of my house then what kind of a spouse would I be?
People tell me I am a sweet, nice person but they don't know me. I only let them see me on my terms. My friend who now lives in Cincinnati asked me if she could stay here if she came up to visit. I live in a 3 bedroom house and don't have anywhere for her to sleep because one room is my computer room and the other spare room is destroyed by my cats and their litter box. I don't want her to stay here because I am ashamed of my house. I have no money to fix it up or get it deep cleaned the way it needs to be and so I have given up on it. If I can't manage this then again, what kind of spouse would I be?
Maybe it is in His plan to not bring me a spouse. If that is the case then who do I have? My mom has me right now but when she passes away I will be all alone. Yes, again, I have my family from church and they are so special to me but they can walk away anytime they want. They aren't here at night when I need someone to talk to or someone to just sit with on the couch and not say anything.
I'm back to a weight loss of 100 pounds and am afraid to go on. I just don't feel loveable in the way that a man loves a woman. I'm afraid that even if I do get the rest of the weight off it won't make a difference. I will just find I am a person at a healthy weight who isn't loveable.
I am so sorry for the way this post is turning out. I don't want to always be so negative and I know that if I really turned it over to God it wouldn't matter if he chooses for me to be single or married but it still hurts and makes me sad.
Do you think the stress of the past few months is catching up to me? Sickness, money issues, weight going up instead of down, brother issues, mom issues, job issues, etc. Please just pray. I know that He has it all planned out and again, I want to trust him. It is just hard to know that He gave me a heart that wants to be loved so much and yet hasn't brought that person into my life.
Dear Heavenly Father, I know that I am sounding really down and discouraged right now. I know, also, that it is okay to have doubts and fears and to express them. I just pray that if you really do choose to keep me single that you will bring me peace about being alone. Help me to not covet what others have. Lord I see so many people from church that have amazing relationships with their spouses. I watch the young people grow up and get married and I want that so bad. Help me to trust that you have a plan and that in your time it will be revealed. Thank you for this medium to post my thoughts so that the amazing friends you have brought into my life can know how to pray. I know that I am loved by each one of them. There is no doubt but it is still hard. Lord, help me to remember that above all else, you love me more than anyone ever could and I can't base my happiness on someone else. I have to be happy in you. In Jesus' name, Amen.
God Bless,
Karen
P.S. Thanks for tissues too.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Another day of being sick
Well, at the rate I am going I will win the Biggest Loser on Wednesday because I finished my 1st round of antibiotics and two days later the sickness came back. I had to call in sick to work again today. VERY FRUSTRATING.
I went up to my doctor and he wrote me a perscription which the pharmacy won't fill because the perscription is too generic.
I know I haven't written much on the weight loss journey because I went up in weight over the holidays and have lost a lot again but I am still struggling. I am not sure what it will take to get my act together but I pray it happens soon without being tragic.
God Bless,
Karen
I went up to my doctor and he wrote me a perscription which the pharmacy won't fill because the perscription is too generic.
I know I haven't written much on the weight loss journey because I went up in weight over the holidays and have lost a lot again but I am still struggling. I am not sure what it will take to get my act together but I pray it happens soon without being tragic.
God Bless,
Karen
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Benefits of being sick
Okay. I know, weird title but I have found one benefit to being sick. I came home Monday night and my throat and left ear started hurting. It continued to get worse. It is now Wednesday and I still can't swallow.
Here is the benefit, when I went to the gym on Monday night I had gained 5 pounds over the weekend which put me at 306. Don't ask, tough weekend. Well, today was weigh-in day for Biggest Loser. Since I didn't go to work I obviously am not going to work out so I went and weighed in real quick. I weighed 294. Yes, I lost 12 pounds since Monday.
So, there it is. Get sick and you too can successfully lose weight.
God Bless,
Karen
P.S. I found out I have Strep Throat. Not good. But I don't have to work tomorrow.
Here is the benefit, when I went to the gym on Monday night I had gained 5 pounds over the weekend which put me at 306. Don't ask, tough weekend. Well, today was weigh-in day for Biggest Loser. Since I didn't go to work I obviously am not going to work out so I went and weighed in real quick. I weighed 294. Yes, I lost 12 pounds since Monday.
So, there it is. Get sick and you too can successfully lose weight.
God Bless,
Karen
P.S. I found out I have Strep Throat. Not good. But I don't have to work tomorrow.
Monday, March 16, 2009
The Economic Crisis
Okay, if you all know me you know that I do not like politics and I try to stay out of any political discussion because frankly, it is hard to trust them. I do realize that we are all human and running a country has got to be hard work and that you are not going to always make the right decisions but....
When I read articles about companies that have received billions of dollars in taxpayer bailout money and then they pay out bonuses to the executives and send $105 billion to banks that are in France and other countries I get a little frustrated. Now I understand about contracts and I am not in the executive's positions but I would think that if you were working for a company that was needing to be bailed out by the taxpayers wouldn't you even consider not accepting your bonus for the year? Especially if you already bring home a 6 figure salary. Okay, maybe I am being a little idealistic but I am looking at those of us who are barely making ends meet and whose company will be cutting hours for us hourly people and it kind of makes me frustrated.
I know that these executive's worked hard for their position. I don't want to take anything away from them but it is just so sad that all this money that we, as taxpayers, are giving them they want to send to out of the country banks.
Okay, I could vent for a while longer but I will stop for now.
Dear Heavenly Father, You have placed each of us exactly where you want us and I thank you for that. Please help me to remember that you are with me when I don't see the money coming in. Please also help me to remember that those in the banking industry that are receiving the bonuses and in government are your children too. I pray that if it is your will that some may even use those bonuses to help those in this country who are really struggling. Out of all this, please help at least one person who has made unethical and especially unbiblical choices to surrender his or her life to you. Thank your for all you give to each of us every day. In Jesus' name, Amen
God Bless,
Karen
When I read articles about companies that have received billions of dollars in taxpayer bailout money and then they pay out bonuses to the executives and send $105 billion to banks that are in France and other countries I get a little frustrated. Now I understand about contracts and I am not in the executive's positions but I would think that if you were working for a company that was needing to be bailed out by the taxpayers wouldn't you even consider not accepting your bonus for the year? Especially if you already bring home a 6 figure salary. Okay, maybe I am being a little idealistic but I am looking at those of us who are barely making ends meet and whose company will be cutting hours for us hourly people and it kind of makes me frustrated.
I know that these executive's worked hard for their position. I don't want to take anything away from them but it is just so sad that all this money that we, as taxpayers, are giving them they want to send to out of the country banks.
Okay, I could vent for a while longer but I will stop for now.
Dear Heavenly Father, You have placed each of us exactly where you want us and I thank you for that. Please help me to remember that you are with me when I don't see the money coming in. Please also help me to remember that those in the banking industry that are receiving the bonuses and in government are your children too. I pray that if it is your will that some may even use those bonuses to help those in this country who are really struggling. Out of all this, please help at least one person who has made unethical and especially unbiblical choices to surrender his or her life to you. Thank your for all you give to each of us every day. In Jesus' name, Amen
God Bless,
Karen
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Breaking hearts
It's hard to even know where to start. I know I have mentioned my friend, Penny, who is going through Cervical Cancer. Well, she went in for internal radiation and the doctor told her husband that the treatments are not working. They are going to try something "outside the box"
I know that we can't give up hope and I know that the Lord is in this but my, along with countless others, heart is breaking. I've been through the loss of two very good friends before and it was hard. My friendship with Penny goes so much deeper than Terry or Beth's ever did. We are all praying for a miracle. God can perform one if that is what He wants.
We also have a guy who isn't that old in our church who has struggled with several medical problems. Well, his heart is failing and he will probably not make it very much longer.
Some how in all this since yesterday I have lost 5 pounds. (I figured I have cried off about 3 pounds and will probably get rid of at least a couple more before the night's over).
Dear Heavenly Father, you know this situation. You allowed it to happen exactly the way it is unfolding. We trust you and know that no matter what you choose Penny will never be loved any more by us then she already is by you. We also know that you love each one of us and will help us get through this time. We will surely be leaning on you harder than anything we have experienced. At least I know I will. Thank you for being there. Please be with Penny, Dustin and the kids. Please continue to comfort then and be with the rest of the family. Please hold them in your loving embrace and give them peace even in this hard time. In Jesus' Name, Amen
God Bless,
Karen
I know that we can't give up hope and I know that the Lord is in this but my, along with countless others, heart is breaking. I've been through the loss of two very good friends before and it was hard. My friendship with Penny goes so much deeper than Terry or Beth's ever did. We are all praying for a miracle. God can perform one if that is what He wants.
We also have a guy who isn't that old in our church who has struggled with several medical problems. Well, his heart is failing and he will probably not make it very much longer.
Some how in all this since yesterday I have lost 5 pounds. (I figured I have cried off about 3 pounds and will probably get rid of at least a couple more before the night's over).
Dear Heavenly Father, you know this situation. You allowed it to happen exactly the way it is unfolding. We trust you and know that no matter what you choose Penny will never be loved any more by us then she already is by you. We also know that you love each one of us and will help us get through this time. We will surely be leaning on you harder than anything we have experienced. At least I know I will. Thank you for being there. Please be with Penny, Dustin and the kids. Please continue to comfort then and be with the rest of the family. Please hold them in your loving embrace and give them peace even in this hard time. In Jesus' Name, Amen
God Bless,
Karen
Monday, March 9, 2009
Todays Tip
Now here is some information you can't live without ...> >
At five minutes and six seconds after 4 AM on the 8th of July> this year, the time and date will be 04:05:06 07/08/09.
This will> never happen again> >
Now that was some useful info wasn't it???
At five minutes and six seconds after 4 AM on the 8th of July> this year, the time and date will be 04:05:06 07/08/09.
This will> never happen again> >
Now that was some useful info wasn't it???
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Biggest Loser Audition
Well, as some of you know I auditioned for the Biggest Loser yesterday at the open casting here in Central Ohio. 3 of my friends and I had VIP passes so we only had to wait 2 hours instead of the 6-9 that others were waiting.
We stood in line for about 1 1/2 hours of that time and then we were ushered into groups of 30 and moved down a hall. Then we were split into groups of 10 and eventually taken in a room and had 7 minutes for all 10 of us to tell our names, what our jobs were, how old we were and why we wanted to be on the Biggest Loser. My one friend went first and the poor administrator had to cut her off. My friend enjoys talking. Then we had about 40 seconds where the administrator asked if we thought that obese people were treated differently. Everyone had to talk at once. Unfortunatly I couldn't come up with a logical thought because the guy sitting beside me was YELLING IN MY LEFT EAR!!! I literally had trouble hearing out of my left ear when we left the room and for a few hours after. There is no possible way the administrator was able to hear what people were saying. I think she was just looking to see how we all reacted. I just ended up watching her and the others.
So, the next step will be if we get a phone call in the next 4 days now for another interview. Based on that 7 minutes I don't think I will get a call back but that is okay. It was still fun to go do it and I actually wasn't nervous. I just wanted to have fun and had to opportunity to meet some really cool people.
So, that was my day at the BL auditions. Oh, I did get to meet Jerry from last season. He is the police officer from Cleveland who's daughter Coleen ended up doing well on the show. She was at the audition too but I didn't get to meet her. Jerry shook my hand and signed my VIP pass.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the chance to possibly be on a show. I know that wether I get on the show or continue here at home You want me to be healthy. I pray that you will continue to remind me that my health is a choice and no matter what the safe way of losing the weight, I need to do this and can, with your help. In Jesus' name, Amen
God Bless,
Karen
P.S. My friend who went first got a call back so it must work.
We stood in line for about 1 1/2 hours of that time and then we were ushered into groups of 30 and moved down a hall. Then we were split into groups of 10 and eventually taken in a room and had 7 minutes for all 10 of us to tell our names, what our jobs were, how old we were and why we wanted to be on the Biggest Loser. My one friend went first and the poor administrator had to cut her off. My friend enjoys talking. Then we had about 40 seconds where the administrator asked if we thought that obese people were treated differently. Everyone had to talk at once. Unfortunatly I couldn't come up with a logical thought because the guy sitting beside me was YELLING IN MY LEFT EAR!!! I literally had trouble hearing out of my left ear when we left the room and for a few hours after. There is no possible way the administrator was able to hear what people were saying. I think she was just looking to see how we all reacted. I just ended up watching her and the others.
So, the next step will be if we get a phone call in the next 4 days now for another interview. Based on that 7 minutes I don't think I will get a call back but that is okay. It was still fun to go do it and I actually wasn't nervous. I just wanted to have fun and had to opportunity to meet some really cool people.
So, that was my day at the BL auditions. Oh, I did get to meet Jerry from last season. He is the police officer from Cleveland who's daughter Coleen ended up doing well on the show. She was at the audition too but I didn't get to meet her. Jerry shook my hand and signed my VIP pass.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the chance to possibly be on a show. I know that wether I get on the show or continue here at home You want me to be healthy. I pray that you will continue to remind me that my health is a choice and no matter what the safe way of losing the weight, I need to do this and can, with your help. In Jesus' name, Amen
God Bless,
Karen
P.S. My friend who went first got a call back so it must work.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Roller Coaster Ride
Okay, so if you know me at all you know one of the things I want to do when I lose more weight is go on a roller coaster. Well, in the past 7 months I feel like I have been on that roller coaster ride. And it hasn't been fun!!!
I lost the 100 pounds from October 2007 to July of 2008 then I have only lost 7 more since then and over the last 3 months I have gained 20 pounds back. IT IS SO FRUSTRATING!!!!! Yesterday was weigh-in day and I gained 2 pounds from last week. My right arm and my left knee have been hurting with injuries so I can't work out like I want to during the Biggest Loser at the gym.
I am not sure, besides humility, what the lesson I am going to learn is but I really pray that I get focused again and get back on track. I have started today good and just pray I make it through lunch with good choices.
God Bless,
Karen
I lost the 100 pounds from October 2007 to July of 2008 then I have only lost 7 more since then and over the last 3 months I have gained 20 pounds back. IT IS SO FRUSTRATING!!!!! Yesterday was weigh-in day and I gained 2 pounds from last week. My right arm and my left knee have been hurting with injuries so I can't work out like I want to during the Biggest Loser at the gym.
I am not sure, besides humility, what the lesson I am going to learn is but I really pray that I get focused again and get back on track. I have started today good and just pray I make it through lunch with good choices.
God Bless,
Karen
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