Where does the time go?

I can't believe it is already December 4, 2011. Only 27 days left in 2011. It sure has flown. You know. One of the things that has really bugged me the last 44 1/2 years of my life is my negativity and procrastination. I have been so down lately because I constantly am finding the negative in a situation. Then I get so angry with myself!!!!! Right now I am fighting loneliness and frustration with stupid things to continue to talk to myself negatively. Once again my silly brain is telling me I am not worth losing weight. That I am not worth it. See, THAT MAKES ME SO MAD!!!

I just started getting back into working out and I feel at work 3 weeks ago and I am still hurting. Everytime I start to do something with my legs my right leg hurts horribly. How am I supposed to work out with the pain?

Well, you know what, I start by changing my eating habits and then once I have some weight off I start slowly strengthing the right leg.

Oh well, not sure what the goal of this post is about but just pray. Please. Pray that I am so angry at myself right now that I do something positive with this anger. That I realize that if I don't like where my life is right now then I need to do something about it!!!!

Thanks,
God Bless.

Thoughts

You know, one thing at work that they do every year is have a survey of employees to see how they think the company is doing and as employees, how we are being treated.  One of the questions these last two years has been, "do you have a best friend at work".  I can 100% say that I do not have a best friend at work.  There are a few people that I really like and if I were to leave the company, I might keep in touch with but it hit me tonight that if I left the company right now there is not one person who I currently work directly with that I would keep in touch with.  I am not saying that they are bad people at all.  They are just as different from me as could be.  I have nothing in common with any of them.  They all have so much in common and love to do the same things and it is complete opposite of what I enjoy doing.  I try to fit in and talk about things that they like but it really doesn't make a difference.  The one person who I had even a little in common with left yesterday.  She is the only one who visited me while I was recuperating from my foot surgery.  I feel so lost and alone there right now.  I am also struggling with what I am doing now too.  I am SO THANKFUL that I have a job!!!  I am truly blessed but I just feel like there has to be more to this life for me than what I am doing.  I don't enjoy being an admin (at least the paperwork part).  I do like the graphics and working with the clients but...

I guess, I just don't know what God wants me to do with my life beside glorify him.  I would love to be able to get up almost every day and enjoy what I am doing and not just exist.  I am in such a rut right now and I am hoping that He is bringing me to point where I am ready to hear and see what He wants me to do.

Please pray for guidance.  If he wants me to stay where I am at pray that he would show me and bring someone along to make it a little easier.  If he wants me to move on please pray that he shows me where that is going to be as well. 

God bless,
Karen

Gotta get my act together...

God is really working on me lately.  I have been going to counseling and also to Overeaters Anonymous.  I went down to the gym at the hotel on Monday and rode an exercise bike for 15 minutes and yesterday I walked on the treadmill for 23 minutes.  It felt good to be able to do that but my feet were falling asleep.

I am sitting around my house looking at how destroyed the carpeting and some walls are.  I am very discouraged because I can't afford to make any changes. I am 4 months behind on my mortgage and have a few other bills that I am trying to pay off.  Sometimes I just want to call the bank and tell them they can have the house.  I look around and want to do so much to it but I don't even know where to start because there is so much that needs to be fixed.  I have contacted the bank to see about the FHA home mortgage deal and waited the month like they told me.  I called them back and they said that the button to move it over to the person who has to evaluate it hadn't even been pushed yet.  So, a month ago they pushed the button.  In the mean time I keep falling further behind. 

I still like the company I work for and for the most part, my managers but there are just a couple of people who make it not a comfortable place to work.  I am so afraid of whatever I say being taken and turned around so that they make fun of me or be mean to me.  I hate that I am still so sensitive that I let people do that to me.  I just don't know how to "let it roll off my shoulders" as I have been told so many times.  I also don't feel like I make a difference there.  I am not being a good witness at work.  I know the Lord puts me where He wants me but he also expects me to be a witness for Him.  I just don't know how to do that.  I don't know how to let go and let Him.

So, what does this all have to do with getting my act together?  I am just getting to the point where I am so tired of living like this!!!!!  My counselor said something last week that has stuck with me. We were talking about me not having a boyfriend or never even having a date.  One of the things he asked me was the type of person I wanted.  I told him someone who loved the Lord first of all, then who was established in a nice job and who was healthy.  Then he asked me about if I didn't want to date or marry someone who sat around playing games on the computer all night, who didn't take care of themselves and who was sad and depressed all the time then why would the type of person I wanted to date want someone like that?  Since I just basically described myself in the type I don't want it really hit home.  I need to get off my backside, get busy and try to get my health and finances in order.  I can't do this without His help though. 

Please pray for me as I feel like I am hitting that rock bottom point that everyone needs to get to so that they can make the changes.  I am scared, I have no idea where to start.  I need to get my house cleaned and organized but I can't do it alone.  But it is so gross that I don't want to ask anyone to come in to help.  I can't afford to hire an organizer and cleaner to come in so...  I just covet your prayers.  Please pray that He will keep encouraging me to want to get my act together. 

Thanks,
God Bless,
Karen

Feeling Needed

I don't know if you are familiar with Ruby? She is a lady who was over 700 pounds and has a show on Style Network. She is down to the 300 pounds but she is gaining some weight back. This is the first season that I have been able to watch because I didn't have Style before. The one thing I have noticed about Ruby that sometimes I wish I had was the live in support system as well as the trainers, the counselor and the nutritionists that are helping her. She has people who are not afraid to stand up to her and tell her that they don't want her to die and that they want her to finish her journey because it is not just important to her but she matters so much to them that they don't want to lose her. I pray that she can continue this journey but I am writing this about my feelings.

FIRST - I don't discount all of you who have been praying and coming along side of me through this. You have all been amazing and I wouldn't have made it this far without God bringing you all into my life. SECOND - it is not anyones responsibility to try to get me to lose this weight but mine. I, with God's help, am the only one who can make the necessary changes. But there are so many times that I feel like I am just not important enough to anyone for them to come up to me and tell me that they don't want me to die and that they want me to finish this journey because I am important enough to them that they would feel an empty spot in their life if I wasn't part of it.

This all goes back to my needing validation through people. I know that this is not right and it is something that my counselor and I are trying to work on. I have not expressed these feelings to him so we haven't really talked about it but I don't know how to not feel like this.

Now, I know that I am important to you. Otherwise you wouldn't be reading this, praying for me and helping me. So, I really don't want people to actually do that but I don't want people to let me get away with things either. I need that accountability. I need people to not say, "it is okay to cheat every once in awhile" I need people to understand that if someone does ask me about something or hold me accountable that I might get frutstrated with them but that it is my defense mechanisim.

I will be talking with my counselor about these feelings. It isn't right to put this on others and I know that but I also know that I can't continue to be enabled.

I just needed to put my feelings down. They probably don't make sense and I am rambling so I will stop now. Thank you all for your love and encouragement. With God's help, I will get there. He has something wonderful in store. I just need to open the doors to my wall and let Him and others in.

I love you Lord. Thank you for my friends and family. I know that they love me. I know that if I would just ask they would be there for me. You know what I need and I thank you for that. Please continue to break me down so that I can rely on you and see that you really do have something wonderful in store if I just let you lead. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Yucky Feelings

Okay, so I got up this morning very late and was extremely tired. I took one of my muscle relaxers because my back has been bothering me a little. It obviously has not left my system yet. I am still sitting here are 11am and am still very tired. I kind of had an outfit in mind but when I went to put it on it was too tight. That put me even further behind. Now I have an outfit on that I don't think is great and I feel ugly in. I guess I am just struggling with feeling ugly today. My hair is a mess, I am tired, I don't feel great and I gave away all my "fat" clothes when I was losing the weight before so I only have a few things to wear now and it is VERY FRUSTRATING. So instead of working harder today I ate these fried pizza things, chicken & dumplings and little baby potatoes smothered in butter and garlic. And a piece of a mint pie for dessert. Ugggghhhhh!!!! I am also wondering if I have offended a few people. I haven't heard from my pen-pal that I have had since 2005 in probably 10 months to a year, my friend, Maria, used to answer me all the time if I would contact her and she has not answered any of my emails or my instant messages, my friend, Kathy, was going to give me her daughters cheerleading schedule back in October and I haven't heard from her either. These are people who are very busy but who normally get back to me if I email them. Just don't know what is going on. So, there you go. My feelings suck today!!!!!! Just thought I would let you know. Karen

Insight

Okay, I have been working with a counselor for the last couple of months. I really like him because he is not just focusing on one area of my obesity. He is digging deep and trying to help me with the lies that I have learned over the years. Most nights I end up crying. Tonight was especially hard. There are so many things that go back to my dad walking out of my life after making a lot of promises to me when I was 8. Also, my mom having her own issues that she didn't know how to deal with so there was not a lot of what a child needs to help them grow up strong and confident. I love my mom and I know that she did the best she could so I am not saying that she was a bad mom. There are just some things that I would have loved for her to do differently that would have probably helped my brother and I both to grow as strong people. Well, at the end of each session my counselor prays. That is the biggest thing that I like about him. Tonight he prayed again for God to open my eyes to see the truth behind the lies. The "I'm not good enough", "Something must be wrong with me", "I am a failure so why try", "everyone will leave me so I better not let them get too close" and so many more. Well, as I was driving home God layed something on my heart. There are so many of us who ask "why?" I question why my dad had to leave, why my mom couldn't be stronger, why other things happen but then as I was thinking of things, it dawned on me that maybe He has allowed these things to happen in my life because He believes that, with His help, I am strong enough to handle it. What an insight. Maybe He continues to not even open some doors or windows in area's of my life that I want so that I can realize, first, that he is not like my earthly father or mom. I don't know if that is it but I sure do thank him for showing me that little bit. Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this counselor that you brought into my life. Thank you for his listening to me and wanting to not just help me for a little while but to try to get to the reasons behind my food addiction and wanting to make it a change that will last. Thank you for showing me different things. Thank you for revealing things clearly to me. This insight tonight was very clear. Thank you that with your help I can overcome this addiction. I can become the woman you created me to be. Lord, I am scared. I have never known a healthy weight, I have never known a healthy confidence. Please continue to be with me and my counselor as we continue to explore my reasons. Please help my eyes and ears to be open and to not make excuses but to accept the part that I have had in this addiction and to be able to forgive those who have hurt me or let me down (even if they didn't but I felt like they did in a little childs mind) and especially, help me to forgive myself. Each day is a choice and Lord, I want those choices to be what you would want for me. Please make them clear. In Jesus' Name, Amen

Talk about prayers answered

Tomorrow is the weigh-in for a program that Lori suggested that she, Polly, Crystal and I join. It is another 10 week program. Okay, Lord, you have given me yet another chance to lose this weight. This time it isn't all about me. There are 3 other women who will be affected by my choices these next ten weeks. So, I did my taxes earlier this week and found out that I get over $1,000 back. Now, I have a few bills to catch up so that won't leave a lot but I have been thinking of doing the personal training at the gym. But it is $300 for 6 weeks. So, tonight I went for my last supper (I know, if I am truly ready to lose weight I would start now and not tomorrow - that is another post I am sure). So, I prayed on my way home to ask if God thought it might be a good idea for the personal training. I stopped at my mailbox and got my mail. There was a letter from my Uncle. It had a final check in it from my grandma's estate. It is well enough over to cover the cost of the training and getting completely caught up on my bills when combined with my paycheck this week and the income tax.

So, I am going to talk to Josh at the gym. I trust him because he has been there since the beginning of my gym experience. He is the one who called me over when I started the first biggest loser back in 2008. He knows about my shoulder, he knows about my achilles tendon surgery, he knows about my bad knees and yet he still knows how to encourage and push at the same time. Please pray that he is available the days that I am and can be my trainer. I am excited to get this started but scared that I will blow it again.

So, that is my answered prayer.

God Bless,
Karen

Opportunities

Okay, here is what has been going on. The Biggest Loser started back in January and finished last night. I went to exactly 2 weeks worth of classes. We started the "Biggest Winner" at work 2 weeks ago, I have gained 3 pounds. Lori came to me yesterday at church and said that she wanted me to be on her team along with Polly and Crystal for a 10 week challenge. That starts Sunday.

Please pray that I get moving in the right direction. Now there will be 3 other people who are relying on me as well as myself. I am scared to death.

I started counseling Tuesday night. I was crying the first 2 minutes into the session. There is so much that I need to work on with my counselor's and God's help. He seemed to ask questions that the person I went to in '09 for a few months didn't. I am pretty excited to see where this goes. One of the things that he mentioned is that he has a plan that works towards the a non-relapse. I can't wait to get started on that.

Well, we will see how it goes...

God Bless,
Karen

UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH

Okay, you are probably wondering why I titled this post the way I did. Well, I don't know why I continue to sabotage myself. I am so frustrated!!! God continues to give me openings and direction to lose this weight and I continue to say, "thanks but no thanks". I have not totally gone overboard on my eating, though I am still making bad choices but I have not been to workout since last Tuesday night. Not this past Tuesday but the Tuesday before!!!

Why do I continue to make excuses for not working out, or not eating right or not paying my bills on time or letting my house become a disaster. I have come home tonight and sat here on the couch playing on the computer. I have a blister on my big toe so that is the "reason" I couldn't possibly go workout tonight.

Dear Heavenly Father, you know my heart and you know that I am struggling so badly to want to do what is right and what you ask of me but fighting you every step of the way. Please do not give up on me. I do love you and I do want to get healthy. Please help me to see what is causing me to make all these excuses and to constantly tell myself that I don't deserve to lose weight. Lord, I am so frustrated and angry with myself because I know what I need to do and I know that I need to truly turn this over to you but if I let go than that will be be another area of my life that I am not "in control of" even though staying this way I am more out of control than I ever would be trusting you for this. Lord, I am so sorry I am disappointing you. Thank you for loving me dispite my negativity and constant feeling sorry for myself attitude. I don't even really know how to pray. I have asked you so many times to help and you continually try to help me but I continue to push you away. Well, thanks Lord. Love, Karen Amen

Bi-Monthly Blessings List

B.J. mentioned that she would like to see my blessing's list so I have decided to post the ones from the last 2 weeks. I will try to do this every couple of weeks. Here they are...

January 1, 2011
Lori and Megan encouraged and challenged me to write a blessing of the day down every night so that I can continue to see God working in my life. So, I am trying to figure out the best way to do this. I may keep a journal offline and then put a post at the end of 2011 so that you can also see how God has worked. I am not sure.
But for today, January 1, 2011, my blessing was that I organized my closest so that I could find my clothes that fit me right now and that I could put the ones I will be fitting into again shortly in another section to make things easier each day. Now, that doesn't sound like much to you, I am sure, but since my closet has been a disaster area for the last year or so and I struggle every day to find something to wear, this is a blessing that he helped me finish it. We talked while I was procratinating up there when I was half-way done and wanted to stop. He reminded me of the 5 hour dinner conversation I had the other night with Lori and Megan and the part about me not finishing anything I start. I got it done!!!
God bless each one of you this year. I pray that He will bring you many blessings and that you may be challenged to write those blessings down each day as well.
Thanks Lori and Megan for your encouragement and love!!! Along with so many others. I am truly blessed
January 2, 2011
I didn’t post yesterday because I was trying to figure out the best way to do this blessing journal. So, yesterday’s blessing was watching my 13 year of neice, Mikayla, become the amazing young lady she is. I am so proud of her and I love the fact that the Lord has brought her into my life!!!!
January 3, 2011
It is amazing that God can take a show like the Bachelor to help me realize that I need help to make the life changes He wants me to be and that it is okay to want that help. One of the things that I am so afraid of is that I will do the same things mom did in wanting everyone else to solve my problems for me. No one can lose this weight, no one can change my negative thinking, no one can make me see that I am loveable. Only, with God’s help can I make those changes but he can use people as well. It is okay to ask for help. It can be done without wanting the other person to do all the work. I thank Him for showing me that. This is the blessing for today. He loves me enough to bring people into my life that can help me through this struggle.
January 4, 2011
Today’s blessing was realizing that I was complaining all week about not being sure how I was going to be able to handle working an entire week since the last 3 weeks I have had a few days off and left early some of the other days. Then I realized that there are so many people in this country who don’t even have jobs or can’t find full-time jobs and I am complaining because I have a good job with a pretty good boss and I get fulltime pay. I am so thankful for that.
January 5, 2011
My blessing for today is that I walked into Cubbies tonight and Lydia, Abraham and Micah were in there and their faces lit up when I walked in the door!!! Then Kaylee came up to me after church and asked me to come to her spelling bee on Saturday!!!! What a blessing to know that those little kids love me enough to want me to be around them.
January 6, 2011
Well, one of the things I got to do today was go pickout a cake for our Employee Banquet. It is going to be a 3D replica of the Hyatt. I can’t wait. Since it was my idea I got to go and taste cake. We had one piece each and it was yellow, chocolate and vanilla bean stacked. It was very good. That was a fun opportunity that the Lord gave me. I guess the biggest blessing today, though, would be that I made it home safely. Snow started falling and though there wasn’t much accumilation the roads were wet and since the temperature was below freezing the roads became slippery. There were a couple times when I didn’t think my car would stop but He protected me. I read a Facebook post that two different friends of a local DJ had totaled their cars. I am truly thankful and that I didn’t have anywhere I had to be tonight so I got to stay home and be safe. Thanks Lord.
January 7, 2011
Today’s blessing was that I made it safely back and forth from home to work. It has snowed the last two days and it has just been enough that the roads have been wet and then frozen. My car almost didn’t stop last night. On my way to work this morning I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw a car down the embankment. I called 911 just to make sure someone came to help. They already knew about it but I did feel like it was the right thing to do. Just in case.
January 8, 2011
I got to go see Kaylee in her 1st grade spelling bee. She specifically asked me to come Wednesday night. I thought there would be several people there but it was just Grandma Sue and me. What an honor to be asked to do that. Then we got to have lunch together at Bob Evans. That part was a blessing as well. Kaylee is starting to look like her mom. Now that I look at her it is so good to see some of Penny’s looks in the kids. Especially Kaylee since she has always looked so much like Dustin. Then I got a phone call while I was at lunch to go out to dinner with Holly, Millie and Holly’s friend, Sandy. That was a lot of fun. The other thing is that I have not been overly bad today eating wise. There have been a few things but for the most part I have not gone overboard. I am very thankful for that blessing as well.
January 9, 2011
Today’s blessing is that even though I thought church started at 10am and it has been starting at 10:30am for the last at least 6 years, I was able to get some things accomplished before church. And I was able to get almost all my laundry done. Small things but…
January 10, 2011
I guess my blessing for today would be that I had a chance to meet my biological maternal grandmother about 15 years ago. Though I didn’t spend much time with her and didn’t know her well, she made mom’s last years good by calling her and being a part of her life. She died last night and it is pretty sad. I also found out that one of my uncle’s was able to reconcile with her in the last few weeks and for that I am truly thankful.
January 11, 2011
Today’s blessing is that we got more snow but it was not so bad that I made it safely home tonight. I had been worrying all day because they kept saying 3”-5” in our area. I don’t think we got that much but it was enough to cause some problems. I am also blessed because on this cold, snowy night, I am able to sit in my living room, play on the computer and watch the Biggest Loser. I have an electric blanket, a tv and heat that works. Sometimes we take those things for granted but I really am thankful and blessed to have those things. There are people who are on the streets or in a shelter with nothing. Thank you Lord for that blessing.
January 12, 2011
I guess today’s blessing would be that I finally talked with my brother. He said he has not gotten my voicemails. I asked him to at least call me on a holiday and say hey. It doesn’t have to be any more than that but I have already lost my dad by abandonment and my mom by death. Even though I am okay not to have to spend my holidays with him, I don’t want to lose touch with him. He is my brother. So, it was nice to know he was doing okay.
January 13, 2011
Sometimes it is hard to come up with a blessing. Not that they aren’t there but when there was nothing major it just seems so small. But then I just thought that the blessing doesn’t have to be something amazing. The blessing is that He allowed me to get up this morning, work all day and make it safely home this evening. I am truly thankful for that and considering what could have happened it is a blessing.
January 14, 2011
Not sure what the blessing was. I know there were some but just, again, nothing major stuck out. I guess just having an “average” day was a blessing again.

So, there you have it. The first 2 weeks of my 2011 Blessings. Some pretty big, some just regular but all a gift from God.
May God show you special moments and memories that you can realize are gifts straight from Him too.
Karen

Biggest Loser at the Gym

Okay, we weighed in on Wednesday night for the next round of the Biggest Loser. I will admit that my weight was 408 pounds. I am pretty scared about starting this time because the first time I did it I had already lost about 30 pounds and didn't have a recovering achilles tendon and a partial thickness tear in my rotator cuff.

This one will be hard. Besides the above the classes are not happening until 7 or later during the week. Which means I will have to go home and then leave my house again each night to go workout and I HATE going out in the cold. Once I am in I usually stay in. The other thing is that Wednesday nights are the support team meetings but they don't start until 6:30pm each night and I have to teach Cubbies at 6:45pm. That is the one aspect that I could really use.

The Lord is in control so I pray that he will encourage me to get moving on this and protect me from further injury. Any prayers you could send up would be greatly appreciated.

I will keep you posted. The good thing is that we will be starting a similar program here at work the week of February 7th (hopefully) which will take me past the end of the Biggest Loser.

God Bless,
Karen

Blessing of the Day

Lori and Megan encouraged and challenged me to write a blessing of the day down every night so that I can continue to see God working in my life. So, I am trying to figure out the best way to do this. I may keep a journal offline and then put a post at the end of 2011 so that you can also see how God has worked. I am not sure.

But for today, January 1, 2011, my blessing was that I organized my closest so that I could find my clothes that fit me right now and that I could put the ones I will be fitting into again shortly in another section to make things easier each day. Now, that doesn't sound like much to you, I am sure, but since my closet has been a disaster area for the last year or so and I struggle every day to find something to wear, this is a blessing that he helped me finish it. We talked while I was procratinating up there when I was half-way done and wanted to stop. He reminded me of the 5 hour dinner conversation I had the other night with Lori and Megan and the part about me not finishing anything I start. I got it done!!!

God bless each one of you this year. I pray that He will bring you many blessings and that you may be challenged to write those blessings down each day as well.

Thanks Lori and Megan for your encouragement and love!!! Along with so many others. I am truly blessed.