Quick Update

I weighed in yesterday and since October 4th (September 25th the first meeting) I have lost 42 pounds. Since my heaviest weight I have lost 51 pounds.

Pretty exciting.

God Bless,
Karen

Codependency...

...of or pertaining to a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, as to alcohol or gambling, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.

The second part of the above definition is me. (Well, not the part of about alcohol or gambling) One of the things I have been saying from the beginning of this journey has been that if there is one person I can help through this then it will all be worth it. Well, here is a deep insight and I don't know how to handle it. I am struggling with feeling guilty to be happy and healthy. There is someone in my life that is very important to me and that person has never really been happy. This person has had a lot of things happen to them throughout their life and it has been hard on them. They have no self-esteem and I have struggled all my life with not wanting to be happy because I don't want to hurt them. I know that the person has made their life a lot more difficult then it could have been by the decisions they have made but I also feel responsible to that person and if I become healthy and happy with where I am at in my life, will that hurt the person even more?

I am sure that God doesn't want me to be miserable so that someone else doesn't feel even worse but I don't know how to handle it.

Any insights? I know in my head that I can not make someone happy. The only person I need to focus on is God but as the above mentioned codependent person my heart breaks for the other person.

Pretty deep huh? Keep praying for me okay? And pray for the other person too.

God Bless,
Karen

The Day after Christmas

Okay, be honest. How many of you thought I wouldn't make it successfully through the holidays without going overboard? 3 months ago I would have been the first person to raise my hand. You could never have told me that I would not over eat during the holidays and pig out on candy and cookies. Well, not only did I believe, with God's help, that I would successfully make it through but I did!!!

I ate more than the 1,500 calories yesterday but I did not go overboard. When I went to the gym this morning I weighed myself and had lost 1/2 of a pound. I am so thankful for God walking with me during this crazy, busy time.

The holidays are very special to me but they are also hard for me. 32 years ago today we took my dad to the airport so he could fly home and he hugged my brother and me and promised us that he would write and call and send gifts. 32 years later I have had one letter from him when I found him in Florida in my 20's. I love Christmas and what it symbolizes. Without Christ being born I would still be in a sad and depressed state (I still struggle with this sometimes when I start to feel lonely or take my focus off of God). Don't get me wrong. It hurts like crazy to have the one man in your life make promises to you when you are an 8 year old little girl and then just disappear. But I know that Christ has some very special things in store for me and my dad leaving will be used in that. I don't think God would have let me go through that without having a purpose for it.

Well, I pray that your Christmas was very special. Please remember that the only reason we even have that "holiday" is because Christ was born in a tiny stable so that He could grow up and become a living sacrifice for you and for me. You only have to accept that special gift!!!

Merry Christmas and God Bless,
Karen

Don't Compare

I have been thinking (don't be scared it isn't too bad). I have had several people listen to me ramble on about how much weight I have lost since September and several of them have said that they are trying to lose 20 pounds and they just can't do it that quickly. I remind them that I weighed almost 400 pounds when this journey began and that I cut my calories down to around 1500 calories a day from around 4,000. I also got up and started exercising. I will lose weight so much faster than someone who is 20 pounds away from his/her goal. There will come a time when this weight loss slows down and then I will be in the same area.

If you are struggling with losing a few extra pounds don't compare yourself to someone like me or the people on Biggest Loser. All of us are at a weight that was extremely unhealthy and we will lose it so much faster!!!

Hang in there and just take it one day and one meal at a time. Move a little more than you have before. Even if you start using the stairs or parking further away from the door of your location. This will help you with your loss.

Only 4 days until Christmas and I start vacation today!!! (Well, I have to come in tomorrow for 1 hour and 45 minutes to do payroll but...)

If you are in town give me a call and we can try to get together next week.

God Bless,
Karen

Biggest Loser Season Finale

Tonight is the season finale of the Biggest Loser. I can't wait!!! I love that show. It is amazing how wonderful all of the contestants look. Did I tell you I tried out for the show two years ago? It was one cold February morning that I lined up on the side of Schmidts Sausage Haus in German Village to stand wait for the open auditions. 7 hours later I finally got in for the 5 minute group interview. Needless to say I did not make it!!!

Here is my theory... They pick contestants that have the possibility of losing enough weight during the 6-7 months that they look "successful" at the end. As someone who weighed 400lbs at the time even losing 150 pounds in that period of time I would not have looked like I was finished. If you have ever watched the Biggest Loser the heaviest girl was probably 270 pounds. The guys are much heavier because they lose weight much faster.

So, that is my theory. Anyway, you should watch tonight. It will be very inspiring. But remember, be realistic. Those people get to work out 6-8 hours a day and have a personal trainer and someone to help with food and everything. The only thing they have to concentrate on is losing weight. I know that if I had 6-8 hours a day to work out and a personal nutrition expert to help I would lose more weight quicker.

Well, have a great day. Only 1 week until Christmas!!

God Bless,
Karen

The Picture

Okay, so a self portrait photographer I am not. As you can see the shirt and jeans really look different in this picture than before.

Sorry about the missing head but hey.... The shirt fits better!!

God Bless,
Karen

Blue Jeans

The first picture on here is of me in jeans when I was at my heaviest. I was so excited about being able to buy jeans that fit. They were snug but still okay. The first time I tried to wear them at the "jeans day for make-a-wish" this year in September I had to change because they were uncomfortable. Two weeks ago I tried them on again and they felt better so I wore them to both jobs that Friday. I thought they were definately comfortable. Last week I wore the other pair to work. It was pretty fun!!! Well, after washing them on Monday night I thought that when I tried them on yesterday they would be snug (as most jeans are after coming out of the dryer) but to my delight and surprise they were loose!!! Not just a little. As the day progressed they loosened up even more. By the end of the day I felt like a kid who wears his jeans a little to low. I need a belt!!!! I have never needed a belt for anything!!!! I will take a picture tomorrow and have post it this weekend so you can see. I will even try on the green shirt to see if there is a difference.

Well, look for the picture tomorrow. We will see what happens.

God bless,
Karen

The Triple Scale!!!

Okay, who wants to face three scales in one day? Well, me actually.

I visited my regular doctor yesterday morning for my final checkin with him. The first visit was on October 15th and I weighed 384. Yesterday I weighed 356 for a total of 28 pounds lost!!! Then in the early evening I went to the final Barix Clinic meeting. I started the program on 9/25 at 394.8. Yesterday it was 358.6. The total of 36.2 pounds. (Now I didn't think I would lose anything because the weekend before I ate 3 cookies on one day and 3 no-bakes on another) Then, after I left the clinic I went to the gym. I weighed in there on 10/22 at 377.2 and last night at 360 even. Losing 17.2 pounds!!!

Isn't it amazing how different scales are and what you eat throughout the day? I had only eaten some wheat peanut butter crackers when I went to the doctor and by the time I had made it to the gym I had eaten lunch, dinner, my snacks and drank a lot of water.

The scale at the gym becomes the official scale now because I am done with the other two locations. I am having Katie send my information into the powers that be to see if my insurance company would approve the surgery but I still don't believe I will have it. Why? I have lost 36.2 pounds with God's help.

Well, that is all for now. Have a great week.

Karen

Wednesday, November 14, 2007 (You are now caught up)

Okay, so it has been a few weeks since I have stopped by. Been really busy!!! Now that exercise is in the mix between my two jobs, exercising, volunteering at Otterbein, church and everything I just didn’t have time to journal. Things are going very well. I thought I would have to quit the program since I didn’t have the additional $150.00 to finish paying for it. But I can definitely see God’s hand in all this. He must really think I am ready. I was mentioning about the program at the ladies retreat last week and one of the ladies said, “oh, is that all you need?” and then wrote me a check for the $150.00. I don’t want to say her name but I can tell you that she is a wonderful and fun person. Then to just confirm that God really is in this with me one of my concerns has been clothing as I lose weight. Well, a lady who manages the gift shop here and in Cincinnati has a manager at the Cincinnati store that has lost 177 lbs so far. She bought clothes from thrift stores and various places along the way as she lost the weight and now her clothes are in her garage. I spoke with her on Monday and she is going to GIVE me all her old clothes!!! Not just loan them or sell them but give. How cool is that? I am pretty excited and she is my height so the clothes should fit great!!

So, as of my meeting last night I have lost a total of … drumroll please…. 25.5 pounds. Yea!! When I got to the meeting last night Katie, the dietician, was in another meeting so another lady and I were waiting. The scale was just sitting there waiting on me to step on it to see what kind of weight I had lost. I couldn’t resist. It said I had lost exactly 6 pounds from 13 days before. When Katie came in to weigh us I went to the scale again but jokingly took out my employee photo id and said it probably weighed something. Well, the scale then said I had lost 6.1 pounds!!! We laughed about my id weighing a 10th of a pound. I am 1/10th of the way to my goal. (If I look at it that way then it is not so overwhelming).

I am very excited about the loss so far. It seems like so much yet it seems like I am not seeing it physically. I think my face is thinner and my pants are more droopy then they were but I can’t really tell. But I am not scared of continuing. I know that God is really in this and He has something amazingly special in mind for me. Maybe it is just so someone can read this and trust Him to help make the changes in his or her life? Who knows? Cindy from the bakeshop here did call me over today and gave me a hug and said that she and Leanne are noticing how I am slimming down. That was an encouragement. When people start to see it that will be the fun stuff. The only thing I am worried about is that right now everyone is so encouraging and really making a big deal of it so I am getting a lot of positive attention but once I start to get to a healthy weight and things slow down and the weight loss becomes old hat then how will I feel? Am I only excited and doing well right now because people are noticing? That is where I will really need to rely on God to keep me going. He is the only one I should be worried about anyway but as a human being who has grown up trying to make people like me it will be hard to not have the human attention.

I guess I am borrowing trouble right now. One day and one meal at a time. That is all I can commit to.

Well, I guess that is it for right now. Hopefully the inspiration will hit to write more later. See ya soon.

Monday, October 22, 2007 (#3)

Okay, they did it to me again. As you can see I got sidetracked on my October 17th entry. What I was trying to say is that Texas Toast is by far one of my favorite bread products and they had it available. It looked perfect. Well, today, they offered it AGAIN!!!! Actually, today was easier to not eat it. Things seem to be getting easier to turn down. Up until last Friday my attitude was wonderful and I was smiling and happier than I had been in awhile. Then my boss called me into his office and told me that he was changing my managers around. My Catering manager said that she could not get a working flow with me as far as paperwork and stuff and that she is really behind and wanted a different assistant to see if that would help. I agree, we are not working as a team as far as paperwork. I continued to try to set something up with her but it never took off so in that aspect I think it was a good change but the new manager does mostly paperwork. With the Catering side of the office there is a lot of graphics. Especially this time of year going into the holidays. And with the CS side there is mostly reports and letters and a bunch of paperwork. Obviously, since I couldn’t get my other manager’s paperwork to flow correctly this is not my strong suit. Now I am extremely worried that I will not do a good job and my self-esteem has fallen again. The good part is that I didn’t over do anything with my diet to compensate for the self-doubt and hurt. Normally I would have. I did sob my eyes out on Friday night!!! I am getting teary thinking of it right now too. I just don’t know what my future will be. If my graphics are taken away then the job will really become not a fun place to be. Monster.com sent out a list of positions in my area and several months ago Bob Evans was hiring for an Administrative Assistant. I chickened out and didn’t apply. Well, when I opened the email Saturday there was a listing for an Admin in the Restaurant Marketing division!!!! I sent my resume. It made you list your salary requirements and I put something down. In my mind it is too high but if God wants that door to open then He will take care of it. I don’t want to leave here. I like it but I don’t want to just do paperwork. One of the other assistants will be going on maternity leave in a few weeks and may or may not come back so I feel guilty there. She will also not be helping on New Years Eve so that is another area I feel guilty about but if the Lord wants me to move to Bob Evans He will make it all work out.

When I got home on Friday though I finally got my mail (I only get it like every 4 or 5 days cause there is usually nothing but advertisements and bills and I figure if I don’t pick up the mail then the bill doesn’t have to be paid. Right?) there were two cards from ladies at church. One of them was from Sue Miller who is like my adoptive mom!!! I love that family. Her card had me sobbing in the car before I even went in the house. I have it hung on my refrigerator right now but will put it in a scrapbook soon. It was so special. I don’t know how long it sat in my mailbox but I know that I received it in God’s perfect timing. He knew just when I would need something like that. Isn’t is amazing that if we just let Him, He will take care of our needs both physical and emotional? Ah, lessons learned.
Well, that’s all for right now. I bet you can’t wait to see what the next installment of the journey will bring? I go to the gym tonight to get a new program set up for me. I’ll let you know how it goes

Wednesday, October 17, 2007 (Second Installment)

Do you know what it is like to put a tray full of Texas Toast garlic bread in front of someone my size!!!!??? It is pure torture I tell you!!! The lasagna and stuffed manicotti were tempting but I could walk away much easier.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007 (First installment)

12 days. How does a life change in 12 days? A stubborn person waits 40 years and in just 12 days has made a lifestyle change that should have happened years ago. My journey to better health began officially on Thursday, October 4, 2007 when I started a 1,500 calorie per day diet. Okay. I have done “diet’s” before and have never followed through. What makes this one any different?

Well, let me start by saying that without putting my weight battle into God’s hands I never would have made it this far. One day at a time is about all I can do in one stretch. Mostly I am working on the 1 meal at a time theme. So far, for something that I have made so difficult in the past there have only been two days when I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. The first day and last Friday. By 4:30pm on the first day I had only eaten about 430 calories. I was afraid to eat. I didn’t want to blow it the first day. Last Friday I worked my two jobs and just felt famished on Friday evening after work. Though I did eat fast food that day I made a healthy choice.

Throughout the last 12 days I have been tempted with a container of Buckeye Candy (If you don’t know what that is just think peanut butter, butter and powered sugar dipped into chocolate – MY FAVORITE DESSERT), baking for a bake sale at work, going to a Chinese buffet, baking brownies for my volunteer job and the actual bake sale as well. I survived every challenge, I believe with flying colors. Also, besides just the normal emotional changes that come with making a lifestyle change I have had to deal with a mom who is battling health issues and going to the homecoming game at the college I attended for a few years hoping once again that the guy I had been infatuated with for 20 years would show up and not having him be there AGAIN. The last time I based my hopes on this person being there was in 1993 when I thought he would be there, didn’t see him so I binged at a local restaurant and then when I got back to the stadium low and behold he was there. I felt miserable. We talked for a little while and once again he disappeared. I spoke with him the night before his 30th birthday almost 11 years ago and have not spoken with him again. I had been on the path in 1993 to lose weight but seeing him and getting a computer ended that very quickly. I, so far, have survived his absence once again, pretty well.

So, what makes this different? The only thing I can figure out is that God thinks I am ready to handle the changes that losing weight will bring. I have been obese my entire life and don’t know what a healthy weight will be like. I have never been on a date or had a boyfriend. I have never been kissed. He obviously knew that I was not ready for any of those things. Maybe now I am? Maybe I am also ready to step out in faith and let Him finally lead instead of me trying to do it all myself?

Tonight I go for my official “weigh-in” and am pretty excited. I went to my regular doctor last night and according to his scales I have lost about 5.8 pounds in the first 11 days of this journey. That is without doing any exercising. Now I need to step that up and get moving along with the food changes. I will keep you posted on how things are going. Thanks for taking this journey with me.

The Donut Dream

Okay, I guess this lifestyle change is hitting me harder than I thought it was. Yesterday morning I had a dream that someone put a fresh box of donuts in front of me at a table and I ate 3 of them. Now this probably stems from the fact that Saturday I was making cookies to freeze for a couple of gift boxes and ended up eating 3 of them. Yes, I know that is probably the most I have done that was not on my approved list. They were oatmeal so maybe that makes them a little healthy? (I know, I know).

I just know that the dream seemed so real that when I woke up I thanked God that it was only a dream and that I hadn't actually eaten the 3 donuts.

Change of subject. I pray that you are blessed with the kind of people that I have in my life. I called my friends house on Saturday and asked to "borrow" her 15 year old son to help with me Christmas decorations. He came over yesterday and put up my tree, put the lights on (my 100% least favorite thing to do) and all the decorations. What a wonderful young man!!!

Well, only 22 days until Christmas. And the Buckeyes are back to #1 in the Country and get to play for the national championship and the Steelers beat the Bengals.

Those are the thoughts for the day.

In Christ,
Karen