God's Prayer Answer?

Wow, I am not even sure where to begin. If you have been reading this blog then you know that one of the main reasons I have struggled with my weight is because my mom and I have been co-dependent together. I have written several times about the emotional struggles that we have had. Well, I wondered after she attempted to take her life in September why she wasn't successful if she was just going to continue to be sick and struggle. I think I have figured a part of it out. Our relationship has been a struggle for my entire life. I blamed her for so many things in my life. This was not fair to her but it is what happened. I have been taking care of her with a bad attitude. Well, the last 4 months we have had an opportunity to work on our relationship. I was able to tell her I loved her several times and we were finally able to talk about some things. Well, I think the reason that she survived the overdose was so that we can make our relationship better. Unfortunately, we only had the 3 months. I checked on her on Tuesday, December 15th and she was playing on the computer and ate a sub I brought. At 11:45pm that night I got a call from the care center telling me that she had pushed her alert button because she was having trouble breathing again. I was pretty mad at her for waiting until so late at night to make the call. I got up, got dressed and by the time I got to her house which is 5 minutes from me, she was in full cardiac arrest. The paramedics were doing CPR but they were unable to get a pulse. They rushed her to the hospital and the doctor's got a pulse for a few minutes but the doctor told me it looked bad. Phil and Sue Miller came to be with me that night and they will never know how much that meant to me. Also, a friend from high school was working in the ER that night too and he came in the room. The doctor came in a few minutes later and told me that he had done everything he could but he was unable to save my mom. My mom passed away almost 3 months to the day that she had attempted to take her life.

As it snows outside I feel such a sense of aloneness but yet a sense of relief. Aloneness because she is basically the only one who calls me on the phone. I am not much of a phone person but if we didn't talk everyday I would be concerned. The relief comes in a few forms. One is that I was not looking forward to figuring out how to handle the winter. She would have basically be housebound and that would have made her depression so much worse. She doesn't have to worry about that now. She would have relyed on me so much more and it was already hard to keep up with her needs and all the things that I have to do.

There is also fear on my part. Fear that if something ever happens to me who will know my wishes, will there be anyone who will be willing to go through all my stuff. When I have a hard time with losing my mom will I have anyone who will be there just to hold me? Also, as I have mentioned earlier, we were both co-dependents. Now my "excuse" for not losing weight, for not saving money, for all the things that I blamed my mom on is not there. Will I be able to make the changes that are needed? I am really struggling with the right side of my body. It hurts from the shoulder all the way down to my leg. When I sit for even a short period of time I have a hard time standing and then walking. It takes a few minutes to be able to walk. It scares me. I don't want to end up in a wheelchair and with a shortened life like my mom had.

I just ask for prayer as I transition through this new chapter in my life. As I said earlier, 2009 has not been a good year. I am praying that 2010 is a good year and that the changes needed to live a life that glorifies God will take place.

God Bless,
Karen

Yoga, the Biggest Loser and Stress

Wow, as I mentioned in my post about being Thankful this has not been a good year in a lot of aspects. It seems that it is going to end even more stressful than it even began. As I write this mom is still in the hospital after 5 days with COPD. This is the 5th time since August that she has spent time in the hospital for breathing or her CHF and 2 weeks in the hospital for her overdose.

Also, I spoke with my friend Penny tonight and things are not going good for her either. The doctor is worried that there are problems with her small intestines now. She may have to go on the Chemo that the doctor talked about which could have some nasty side effects and there is no guarantee that it will stop the cancer growth. (This is purly speculation on my part and nothing is set in stone, God could be working right now on healing the problem and she could be fine in a few days.)

I had lost over 107 pounds last year and this year I have put on 56 pounds from a combination of stress and stubbornness. I am having shoulder pain that has been here since December 20th and they can't figure out what is going on with it, I am now having middle back pain that is getting worse by the day and leg pain. Most of this is on my right side only. It is very frustrating.

I spent $75 to join the Biggest Loser at the gym and have only been able to make it to about 5 classes and the contest ends next week. I have actually gained 5 pounds.

And there has still been no reconcilation between my brother's wife and my mom and me. My brother still has to sneak to call my mom and has not visited my mom or me in over 1 1/2 years and he only lives an hour away. It is very sad.

They cut our hours again at work for this month and it is a 5 week month so I will lose 25 hours of pay. I am already struggling with paying my bills.

So you see, that covers a lot of the stress part of this post. Please pray for these situations. It is very frustrating to know that God is trying to help me in some of this stuff and asking me to trust Him in others and yet I continue to push Him away or think I can do and handle all this on my own. I have even started seeing a counselor and haven't done a lot of what she has asked me to do.

Okay, so onto the yoga and the Biggest Loser. I just watched the season finale of the Biggest Loser. The weight losses were amazing!!!! Everyone looked so good. There was another marriage proposal tonight between two contestants. It was pretty great. It inspired me to pledge to lose 50 pounds to help the food pantry in Grove City. So off I go to get my Biggest Loser Yoga video that I bought 3 weeks ago and hadn't opened. It is 10:15pm when I finally put it in and think I will be able to do the beginners workout. Well, I couldn't even make it past the warmups. There is a lot of kneeling on the knees and as I posted earlier I have bad knees so... Some of the exercises seem impossible for me. So I watched for a little while to see what some of them were and how to do them. Next time I will try a few of them and then maybe I will eventually be able to finish the beginners and move onto the next level.

Well, thanks for listening. Not sure how many of you are out there since I tend to be negative in my posts, I would have a hard time continuing to follow this blog if it were someone else's but I hope to look back and read these entries and see that I am a different person then the one writing them now.

Though things are stressful right now and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight I am going to do my best to have an amazing Christmas because that is the time to celebrate Christ's birth and without Him I know that I would never survive all this stuff going on. And I will survive it and come out a stronger woman and Christian when this part of the journey settles down.

May God bless each and every one of you.
In Christ,
Karen

Reflections on Being Thankful

Well, as you know, yesterday was Thanksgiving. What a time of year. An excuse to overeat. I don't think I did that though. Which I am thankful of.

I try to avoid the sharing time with my "family" each year because I am always very emotional. This year however, God had another plan. They didn't do the sharing until later in the day due to schedules. So, yes, I became very emotional. This year has been VERY HARD. Between the constant up and down with my mom's health, her attempting to take her life and just not being able to plan anything because of not knowing what her status would be each day. Also, with Penny's cancer. This has been a very hard year. I have put on a lot of weight. It has been discouraging with that as well because I should have been to my goal weight by now and I am basically starting over. Then there is losing hours at work due to the economy. Financially I am in a bad state and because of my cats ruining my carpeting I can't even put my house up for sale because I can't afford to get new carpeting. And my right side has been messed up for almost a year. Makes it hard to function. Pastor Bill and Peggy moved to Michigan and they are truly missed.

So, what is the point of this entry? It is to look at the things I am thankful for dispite the hard times. So, here is my list:

MY SALVATION - Knowing that no matter what I will get to spend eternity in Heaven.
GOD - Without him I would NEVER have been able to make it through these trials.
MILLER/BALTZER/HOFFMAN/MILLER/MAY FAMILY - God knew several years ago that I would need this amazing group of people in my life and I am so thankful that they have been such a blessing.
MY CHURCH FAMILY - What an amazing group of people. I feel so blessed everytime I walk in the doors or get a message on Facebook from this group of people.
HAVING TWO JOBS - In today's economy I am truly blessed to have this.
HAVING A HOUSE AND FOOD TO EAT - So many today are homeless and hungry. I am neither and I am thankful for that and don't take it for granted.
LESSONS BEING LEARNED - Don't like this one too much but am thankful none the less. I know that I am being taught some important things through this year and I sure pray I am listening and learning.
CHILDREN - I know that I put my "family" on there but the children at church have been so much fun. To see them get excited when I walk in a room or to have them want me to hold them instead of going to choir - how amazing is that?
MY BLOOD FAMILY - Through the things that have been going on with mom these last few months I have had more contact with my family. It has shown me that they really are special and there are more who know Christ then I thought. Though physically they have been unable to be there I know that they are there if I just need to talk.
GETTING TO BE A HOSTESS AT THE E-WOMEN'S CONFERENCE - What an unexpected opportunity. Getting to host Stormie Omartian and her daughter for the weekend. She and Mandy are both such a blessing as well as Stormie's sister and friends. This was something that I will never forget.

These are just a few of the many blessings that I am thankful for. I know that God is with me through all of this. Though I struggle a lot with things and try to do most things on my own, He has not given up on me and I am so thankful for that.

So, that is what this post is about. I pray that everyone who reads this finds things to be thankful for as well, even if your life is not crazy.

God Bless as we go into this amazing season to celebrate Christ's birth!!!
Karen

Going in the Right Direction

Just a quick update. 4 pounds down since last week. Should I choose to eat better I am sure I could lose a lot more. I started counseling last night and I am really looking forward to working with Michele and at the gym to try to get healthy.

Brought mom home from the hospital today for another bought of Congestive Heart Failure. She is already worried that she will have a panic attack. Trying to convince her that she will not have one if she chooses to not have one.

Thanks for praying,
God Bless,
Karen

Trying Once Again

Well, last night we started the Biggest Loser at the gym. It is going for 7 weeks. It was a hard workout since I have not been going much lately because of all the things going on with mom and just not feeling like I am accomplishing anything. I need this accountability. I start meeting with a counselor on the 11th to try and work through a lot of the stuff that has built up over the years with mom and with me personally. I am looking forward to this step. I am tired of hiding from life. I am very scared but can't wait to see how God is going to use this time of struggle to glorify him.

I do ask for prayers. I started this session at 342.6 pounds with my shoes on. That means that since July of 2008 I have gained back over 50 pounds of the weight that I had lost. It is VERY FRUSTRATING. I worked so hard to lose that weight. I know that with God's help I can and will do this. I just have to go back to the one meal at a time attitude.

God Bless,
Karen

Avalon's Story

This is a long post but I wanted to share with you a little girls story. About 4 years ago my friend, Diane, let me know that her 1 1/2 year old granddaughter, Abby, had just been diagnosed with Neuroblastoma Cancer. While Abby was going through her treatments a co-worker of mine found out her friends little girl of the same age, Avalon, had been diagnosed with Leukemia. They went through treatment together at Children's Hospital and the parents had met each other there. Thank the Lord that Abby has been Cancer free for several years now and doesn't have the side affects that Avalon has had to fight with. Below is Avalon's latest update. Please read her story and pray for her. This little girl is going through so much and it is all because the doctor's wanted to treat her cancer. The cancer is gone but the side effects continue to go one. Also pray for her family as you will see, they are going through so much.

Thanks,

God Bless, Karen

Good morning everyone. First, a huge apology. I don't have the mental capacity to be proper or organized at the moment, so I'm sorry, this email is going to everyone in my address book. If you don't know me, and just sold me something on ebay...or tried to sell me something on the internet...sorry about this. I believe the kid expression is "Tough nubs", you got caught in the cross fire. Same goes for people who no longer care to know me. Sorry about that, you also got caught in the wave. Heck, I don't even know how many of these addresses are still active.
In a nutshell, Avalon is in serious medical trouble, and I wanted to get the word out to people who care, have cared in the past, or who need to know why I haven't been/won't be very communicative for a while.
Due to physical cues, and neuro-ophthalmologic indicators, Avalon had a lumbar puncture yesterday to measure her intracranial pressure. Normal ICP is 8-12. Avalon's was 31. Her brain is, once again, being squeezed to death, literally. With her temporal decompressions, no one thought it would ever be possible for her pressure to get this high. Once again, Avalon has figured out how to shock everyone.
If you care/wonder/are curious/need a refresher-course, there is a page on Avalon's website that explains about her pressure, her brain damage, her temporal decompressions. http://www.avalonsarmyofangels.com/story99.html
So here it is. On the cancer front, we're all clear. The CBC was beautiful. But Avalon's pressure hasn't been this high since before the first shunt. No wonder she's losing vision, having tremors, and looking awful. Her brain is being squeezed beyond belief. With the temporal decompressions, the pressure isn't supposed to be able to get this high, so they did it twice. No luck, she really was 31. They drew off enough fluid yesterdayto get closing pressure down to 17, but it is a short term solution, CSF will replenish within 48-72 hours.After the LP, we met with the neurosurgeon, who was visibly rattled. He had the NP check her shunt setting, hoping it had somehow moved. No dice, it was still fully open. He has scheduled a 3D CT scan for Thurs morning, Oct 15. Pending what he finds on that scan, and a possible MRI, Avalon's world is going to stink out loud for a while. Here's what I know now.

1) Neurosurgeon is hoping the decompressions have possibly grown some new bone. If so, he will go in and redo them. That is two brain surgeries, two PICU/hospital stays, with the second recovery taking longer.

2) Whether or not the decompressions are redone...we still have to find a new draining mechanism to help them.a) if her ventricles are as small as other doctors have said, he will NOT put a new shunt in the other side of her brain. On the L side, the speech center is right where the shunts go. A shunt there could make her mute for the rest of her life.b) We (Nick and I) want to rule out an LP shunt, due to infection rates, failure rates, and over draining - Avalon is very sensitive to low pressure. An LP shunt could leave her waking up vomiting and screaming in agony every day of her life. No thanks.c) There is a y valve thing that we discussed with her first neurosurgeon (good guy #1, before Voldemort). The y valve is a very tricky, long, dangerous surgery, but can be done.
3) We can revise the current Voldemort shunt. Good surgeon #2 (current guy) is VERY scared to do so, given the dropped shunt. Damaging more brain stem is a horrifying thought. She could be fully paralyzed on the R side, lose more vision, etc. Although truthfully, I'll take wheelchair dependant over mute. I love that little voice soooooo much.Avalon only cried yesterday when she found out she would possibly miss Trick or Treat and her final cheerleading day. (its at a big stadium) She never really cried either, her eyes filled up, and she looked desolate...she only let herself cry when I said it was OK to be sad. (I felt like I had to warn her as soon as we knew the pressure.)Later, the only thing she asked the surgeon was if she could possibly Trick or Treat. That 64 yo wonderful father of grown girls bent down and told her he'd do everything he could to work that out for her. After all, Trick or Treat was pretty special. I don't know how on earth he's going to manage that with what he's proposing. We also told her the other cheerleaders would probably have to wheel her on the field and she could cheer with a special hat, from her chair. With both promises, she was OK. Sad, but determined.As for us, Nick and I...we're beyond terrified/sad/paralyzed with fear. This has been so big, I have told very few people over the past few weeks, just trying to wrap my brain around it.
Right now, I'm guessing those of you that didn't know any of this are shocked. Welcome to my world. Some of you may be thinking, "Geez, I'm tired of hearing about that kid's problems." Me too! So I totally understand if you want me to delete your email address. Honestly - I really get it. Feel free to email me if you do. Or, hit delete when you see Avalon in the title. And then again, the vast majority of you, whom I know to be loving, amazing, KIND-HEARTED people are thinking, "What can I do?" I wish I had a magic wand that I could fill with your prayers and kind thoughts. She'd be running marathons if I could.
For now, I have a few immediate requests for anyone willing to help.
1) I'm looking for anyone with HTML expertise to help me install an application on Avalon's website that will notify people when I update it, and to help put a guestbook on there. I'm completely flummoxed with both things, so I've often just not used her site. Avalon's Army of Angels is hosted on Yahoo and I build it with Yahoo Sitebuilder - mainly because it's simple and I understand most of it. I'm more than willing to share my passwords, if one of you have the knowledge to help me. I want to be able to send automatic update notices like Caringbridge does. And I want to give people an easy way to communicate with us.
2) My car is once again croaking. It's the same oil pressure issue that trapped us in DC for a week this Summer. I can go 20-30 min and the pressure goes to zero. The van has been to 2 Dodge dealers, three times total, they say it's fine. They're wrong! Anybody know a mechanic with half a brain? I took my dad's car to the hospital yesterday so we didn't get trapped on 315. We're about to make a zillion trips back and forth to the hospital, I kind of need a car that works! Any grease monkey friends or relative would be worshipped by us. Nick can/will help, but we need someone who is smarter than the stupid Dodge dealers have been. (wish I had those several thousand dollars back. Grrrr....)
3) Any positive thoughts you can send Avalon's way, we greatly appreciate. We covet your prayers and loving thoughts. They have saved her in the past - I believe that Great LOVE can do amazing things.
I don't know if I'll do this mass email thing again, I don't want to pester people. Hopefully, some computer guru somewhere will help me get the notification/membership thing on the site, so you can choose to hear from me.
Thank you in advance for caring about Avalon. My heart hurts worse than I thought possible. After last year, I thought I'd seen Hell. Nope. It would seem we've just descended down another level. Apparently Dante had a point, there are several levels to it after all.
Much love to all of you! I hope you'll forgive me for not communicating in so long. Truth is, we've had the best summer of our lives! We've done normal, silly, family things. We've all been so HAPPY, and Avalon has been enjoying life to the utmost. We've been so giddy to be normal, we've kind of been selfishly quiet, if that makes any sense. Long story short, we had our version of a fairytale summer, and loved every second of it. Guess that's going to have to last us for a while.
((HUGS)) and many "Thank Yous" coming your way. As usual, please feel free to pass this email on to anyone you wish, and you are all always welcome to contact us here at alicia@crazycancermom.com .
LOVE to each of you.
Alicia, Nick, Aurora, Ambrosia, AVALON, and Anam

Accountability - September 27th

I have this book of daily devotions that I have had for about 15 years. I got it in Pennsylvania when I went to visit a very dear family friend. I read through it several years ago and obviously did not heed the advice on the pages. It is called Day by Day Love is a Choice - Devotions for Codependents.

When everything with my mom happened in the last 5 weeks I decided to pick up this book a few days ago and start reading again. The first date that I looked at talked about "Reparenting". Thought that was pretty appropriate. But yesterday's is the one that really hit home. I am not sure about copywriting things so I hope I don't get in trouble for typing this here but I wanted you to see what God was telling me through this book yesterday.

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. - Gal 6:2

"Who has helped you bear your burdens? Was there a special friend who reached out to you in your time of need? Have you thanked them?

Do you know how to bear others' burdens without getting caught once again in the trap of codependency? Ask God to help you so you can become the person he desires for you to be. You will miss out on a great deal of pleasure in this life if you do not learn how to truly help others.

Bearing another's burden does not mean solving his or her problems. It does not mean feeling responsible for the problem; it does mean sympathizing with the pain. Recognize what you can and cannot do for this person and accept the reality of your limits. Pray for them and let them know you are thinking about them and are concerned with what they are experiencing.

Your journey toward healthy living does involve reaching out to help others. Are you ready to grow in this way? If so, you will gain wonderful blessings, not the bondage of codependency.

The part in red is the part that really stood out for me. What an easy concept to read and understand but what a hard concept to do.

Dear Heavenly Father, help me to learn that I am not responsible for solving the world's problem's even though I feel that if I don't I won't be loveable or people will leave me. Help me to know what the limit is and the balance is so that I can help where I am needed but in a way that will encourage the other person without making it an unhealthy relationship. Thank you for giving me this book so many years ago and putting it on my heart to read again. Thank you for all you are doing in my life. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. Thank you all for being there through this journey. I am so blessed to have you all in my life and know that without God and you I would not be able to get through this.

When asking questions be prepared for the answers

So this year has been a very emotional year for me. In January we found out that Penny had cancer and we didn't have any idea where she would be by September. We still do not know what is going to happen. So far the Lord has decided to not heal Penny.

Then, my mom's health has been going down hill. She has struggled with her physical health at least since 2005. She had back problems before that but once she had her back surgery and has been struggling with walking things have gotten worse. Then my brother made a decision last year that has caused his wife to not let her children or my brother talk to mom. My brother has to sneak to call mom and he doesn't even come down any more to visit.

These health issues, lack of money for both mom and me and the thing with my brother has caused my mom's depression to continue to grow. She doesn't do a lot because she is in a wheelchair most of the time and has to use oxygen a lot. Well, 4 weeks ago she was in the hospital for congestive heart failure. Then she was quitting smoking 2 weeks ago and called me last Monday with breathing problems. She took her patch off that night and seemed to be doing better. The next morning I called her and she was really bad. I thought it was her breathing again so I rushed over and met the squad. She ended up in the emergency room with her stomach problem for 9 hours. I had to miss a doctor's appointment that I had scheduled and was disappointed. Then I took her home and on Wednesday I called to check on her and she said things were really bad. I told her to call her doctor or the squad again. I couldn't miss work again. She called her doctor and they told her to come in there or call the squad. She couldn't get there and didn't want to call the squad again. I went over to check on her that night and during the day had finally hit my stress breaking point. So when I got there she asked me if I was alright. I told her no and that we needed to figure something out. I meant that she needed to be in an Assisted Living type facility so that if she fell or if she couldn't get somewhere to eat then they could help her. Well, she took that to mean that she was being a burden. On Thursday I tried calling her and just continued to get a busy signal. Around 11:30 or so I got a call from the hospital saying that she was in the ER and was stable. I stayed at work thinking it was the same problem from Tuesday. Little did I know that she had attempted to take her life. I found this out later that day when I went to the hospital to see her.

My brother is still not being involved and I know that part of what she was hoping for is that this might bring my brother around. It is so hard. Our family has never talked about the things that are important. We always just walked around the elephant in the room. One of the things she told the Social Worker is that I don't hug her. I struggle with that because I think that I hold back my hugs from her almost as a punishment. She quit enjoying life when I was around 12. I don't remember much about her except that she didn't do a lot. And I know that I didn't help. I made sure that the attention was on me and would do everything I could to keep it away from her. But I realize how much it hurt to not have a mom who wanted to be involved. She, I think, has been trying to have my brother and I be her happiness. All I have ever wanted was to have a husband and family of my own but yet I have used mom's struggles as an excuse to hide away from a relationship. I feel that if I have to "take care of her" then I won't have to try to have a relationship. With the abandonment that we have all experienced in my family we are all afraid. That is why my brother won't stand up to his wife. It took him over 40 years to find someone and he knows that if he stands up to her then things will probably not go over well. That is why mom has hidden from life. She has been abandoned by her real mom (they have a relationship now but...), her husband, her son and me in a lot of ways. Though I am there I always help with the wrong attitude. I let her know that she is inconveniencing me.

Does this mean what she did was my fault or my brothers fault or her parents fault? No, she ultimately is the one who chose to make that decision but it still is hard not taking some of the responsibilty. The other thing is that I have hidden so long behind mom as the excuse for not being able to do things that I am afraid that when she does get better I will lose my excuse for hiding myself. I may actually have to let people get close to me. That scares the daylights out of me!!!!

So, you are probably wondering what the title has to do with this post? Well, I have been asking God to show me what he is trying to teach me through all the situations that have been going on this year. Well, I think he showed me that he loves me and wants me to be well. Unfortunately He is having to use some very serious things to get my attention. I just pray that I use the knowledge that he is giving me to grow and to be able to glorify him.

This is probably the most revealing post that I have put on here and that says a lot since I have been very open so far. Thanks for listening to me.

God Bless,

Karen

It's been awhile

Well, almost two years ago I started on a journey that seemed like it was going to be a great success. I remember writing in my first journal entry that wasn't even online that I couldn't believe how easy things were. Wow, does two years make a difference?

I, with the Lord's help, made it down 107 pounds by July of 2008. What a great experience. Since then I have put on 30 - 40 pounds depending on the week. Things are very hard and stressful right now. I am trying so hard to figure out what the Lord is trying to teach me and why I am being so stubborn about listening. It is very frustrating. Especially when I have Gal 6:9 hanging right on my computer monitor and read it every day.

Thanks for the prayers. I know that He has not given up on me. I am still wanting to try to lose this weight. It is holding me back from having the life that he wants for me. I know that. I just have to get over my stubborn fear and pride and listen to him instead of fighting him on everything.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for never giving up on me. I know that I am a hard case and I know that you continue to open doors and bring people and things into my life that will help me acheive the goals that you have set for me. I just need to figure out how to stop fighting you on it. Thanks for loving me dispite me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Conversation with God

Have you ever wanted to be able to sit down face to face with God and ask Him all kinds of questions? I know that we can do that through prayer and I am not discounting that at all!!! With my Salvation and Christ's death on the cross that line of communication was open to me and I am so thankful for that. I just wish that I could hear His answers to some questions verbally from His mouth. I pray I am not saying anything wrong. That would be one of my questions. Why do I have so much trouble communicating with people? Here are some of my other questions:

1. I know you made me the way that you did but I wonder how my being overly sensative can be used to glorify you? All is seems to do is alienate my co-workers and I end up in tears.
2. Why do I dwell on things for days instead of letting them go? Even if the problem has been resolved with another person I hold on to the anger or frustration, etc for days on end.
3. Why do I fight you when you have given me all the tools I would ever need to lose weight and become healthy? Am I wanting to lose weight for the wrong reasons?
4. Why do I dwell on the negative of things especially when it comes to me or my immediate family instead of trusting that You are in control and I don't need to "handle" it by myself?

There are many more questions but those are a few that stick out in my mind.

God Bless,
Karen

Looking around

It just kind of hit me that July will be over Saturday. Somehow I missed the email from my friend Megan on the 25th reminding me that there was only 5 months until Christmas.

Anyway, I have been taking the vitamin suppliments for almost 2 weeks now and I haven't missed a dose. There have been a couple of times I took them late but have done well. I have also not had a Soda in 5 days. Do you know how hard that has been? McDonald's has all their beverages on sale for $1.00 right now. But, alas, I have not had any.

Food wise I am still struggling. Everything food wise I have learned over the years about losing weight has shifted since I went to this Integrative Medicine doctor. What I thought was good for me to lose weight they are saying is not good because it has too much Omega-6 in it. Or with a potato I should eat it with butter and sourcream so that the potato doesn't break down so quickly and turn right to sugar. Then it says I should eat more complex carbs but then I'm told that I shouldn't eat breads and pasta's and things. I AM SO CONFUSED.

I have been to the gym 2 times this week. I only did 6 miles on the stationary bike on Tuesday and I did arm exercises, 4 miles on the bike and got in the hottub last night. I am still frustrated with my shoulder. I wanted to see how it did when I did the arms. It hurts today but not too bad.

My friend had her surgery last week and is slowly feeling better but they found more spots in her stomach area then they thought. And her doctor is perplexed since none of the cancer showed up on the PET Scan. I don't know how the biopsy turned out on the other areas. I pray it turns out with some good news.

Another busy weekend planned. Don't think I will get to the gym but I am trying to go to the farmer's market on Saturday and walking around there might help with some exercise. Then Putt Putt Saturday night. Should be fun.

Well, that is kind of where I am at. Last year I had just hit my 100 pound weight loss mark and was so excited to see where things went. This year has been a really hard part of my journey. Between my friend's cancer, my mom's health and my brother and sister-in-law basically shutting us out of their lives it has been trying. I want so badly to lose the rest of this weight but am struggling a lot and don't know what it is going to take to get me there. Please continue to pray. I know you do and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. With God and your prayers I will get there.

God Bless,
Karen

New Directions

Okay, so about 6 weeks ago I went to a seminar that a local Integrative Medicine doctor held. What this doctor does is take your blood work and then look to see what is out of balance - either too high or too low - and then put you on suppliments and dietary changes to get your system in balance so that it can do what it is supposed to do.

So, I had my 1 on 1 appointment with him last Friday. I have been having stomach issues lately and when I talked to him about what areas I wanted to work on, weight loss, IBS, Aching Muscles/body and PMDD, the first thing he told me was that I had Celiac's disease. Normally he puts people who are obese on Magnisium but with Celiac's disease you can't take that or it will just increase the problem. Also, he ran a full CBC on me and sent the results on Saturday. Seems there is a thing called a SED rate. The high for this is supposed to be 2.0 and mine is 2.5 and a C Reactive Protein which the high is supposed to be 3.0 and mine is 7.5. Both of these things are to show inflammation in the body. Okay, so now I have proof that my shoulder really is bothering me!!! My blood work says so.

Anyway, with his program I am on 1 Magnisium/Calcium/Zinc, 1 Fish Oil and 2 Cinnamon tablets 7 times a day, 1 b vitamin time release tablet 5 times a day and 1 multi vitamin once a day. I have created a system of little snack bags with the appropriate times a day to take the pills and have done really well so far. The other thing is no chicken or turkey because they are high in Omega 6 and no banana's, kiwi or a few other fruits because they are high in latex. The weird thing is that all the "diet" things I have learned are being challenged. For instance, they say if you eat a baked potatoe you should add butter and sour cream because the potatoe is very high in carbs that it turns directly into sugar so if it has the fat product then it will take longer to break down in your system. Also, they say I can eat 1 serving of icecream each night and it won't hurt anything. Kind of scary, huh?

So, we will see how this works. I go back in 3 months and I will see what they say then. 2 days down with the pills, the next three months to go.

God Bless,
Karen

Just blogging because....

I got a card from a dear friend yesterday that was a real encouragement. She said basically that I was "taking a break" from the weightloss. That sure was a nice way to put that fact that I have just been really bad!!!!!!

Today has been okay so far. I am getting ready for lunch so we will see. I got out chicken breast for dinner tonight.

I have not been to the gym in almost 3 weeks. Every night I have had something going on and the medicine I was taking really messed up my stomach so I was afraid to go. I feel better today so I am going to try tonight. I do have to have an MRI tomorrow morning though because my shoulder is still bothering me a lot. We will see what happens.

Just keep praying and don't give up on me. I will get back to it by giving over to God and not taking it back. Easier said than done but...

God Bless,
Karen

Keeping this attitude

Epiphany (Feeling) the sudden realization or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something. That is what happened to me a few minutes ago. I have tried for the last 30 years to not be like my mom. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom very much but the decisions she has made my entire life have negatively affected all around her and especially her. She basically stopped living when I was 12 years old. She used my brother and me as her reasoning why she couldn't do anything. She also has relied on us as her sole emotional and pretty much physical support that time as well.

Because of the victim mentality that she and most in our family, have displayed she is now in a situation where, unless I am available to do things for her, she is completely alone all the time. All day. She doesn't work, she can't walk very well, she uses oxygen most of the day because her lungs are bad from smoking basically since she was 15 and she isn't involved in anything.

I am not writing this to speak badly about my mom. She raised two children with no financial help from my dad. We had a roof over our head and food on the table most of the time. I am writing this because, though I don't want to make the same life decisions that she has made I have found that I am doing the same thing she has done. She even pointed it out to me this afternoon on the phone which caused the Epiphany.

I will be 42 in 2 days, I have never had a relationship with anyone, I let my house stay dirty and use that as an excuse to not have people over, I spend money on food and then complain that I can't save any money because I will have to give it to my mom or whatever if I tried to save it anyway so what is the point? I stay obese because I see that I am a lot like my mom in my choices and believe that that makes me unlovable. My family has the victim mentality. We all want someone to solve our problems for us. We want someone else to be our emotional happiness.

You know what? That is impossible!!!!! The only one who can choose to make things different and who can solve our problems is us and only with the help of God. If I don't want to end up alone and afraid of life when I am older then I have to make the decision RIGHT NOW to make the changes that need to be done. If that, then, brings continued weight loss, financial stability and a better social life then that will be a great benefit but the most important thing will be that I am doing what God created me to do. I will be taking care of what he gave me both physically and materially (is that a word?).

So, for this minute I am going to choose to do what I need to do to get healthy and clean my house and if that brings people over then that will be great. I am scared and I know that this battle will be hard and I know that my mentality is what will hold me back. I pray that with God's help, I can do this and with your prayers I know it will work as well.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for eye opening moments. I know that I can't change mom and I pray for the strength to make it through the times when she rely's on me alone for her emotional and physical needs. I want to be a good daughter and a good help for her but I know that it is really hard when I don't see her wanting to do her part. Please help her to come to know you and want to seek you out. Thank you for not giving up on me or anyone else. I do love you and I know that I have a hard time showing it. I pray for the minute by minute strength it will take to make better choices and to not give up. Help me to be an example to not only mom but the rest of my family as well. In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Hard Workout = Good Feeling

Okay, I did pretty good eating yesterday. I went to the gym (not wanting to go) and decided I needed a new starting point. I had my measurements done and my weight (311 - not happy) and then Craig came by and asked me if I wanted a new card. I said yes. Not sure if that was the right decision (okay, it was but lets pretend).

I think his goal was to kill me. He came close. We did legs and I started off by holding a 50 lb cowbell and doing 4 sets of 15 squats and it just got worse from there. The final exercise (which happened while I could barely walk as it was) was to do leg presses with 100 lbs of weight. I knew my shoulders were involved but when I went home I realized that I have marks on my shoulders from the machines where it broke blood vessels!!!! It is pretty amusing. No one can say I didn't work out hard.

So, the moral of the story is that I am so sore today but I also feel good because I worked out harder than I have in a long time. If anyone wants to donate to the personal trainer fund I will be happy to accept. I seem to do much better when I have someone standing over me telling me to keep pushing.

Heavenly Father, thank you for the ability to exercise. Thank you for the trainers at the gym. Lord, I am going to be so sore today as it has already started but I trust that it will be a good sore. Help me to not give up when I am so sore. Help me to remember this feeling that I have when I do a hard workout - the feeling of doing something good. In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Sorry for the delay

Okay, it has been awhile since I have written. I am struggling a lot with this weight loss journey that I didn't want to bore you with more complaining.

I just wanted to tell you a little about what has been going on, non weight loss wise. I attend an amazing church with the most wonderful people I have ever met. I am so blessed with this. We started in February of 2008 planning a year long celebration for our 75th anniversary. I was on the committee so it has kept me busy. Last year I helped plan the kick-off lunch for the current members and attenders and then the carnival. I did a little with the concert and finally helped plan the lunch this past Sunday for around 350 people. What a crazy, busy blessing. I think my pastor and I emailed each other about 100 times in the last two weeks. (I might send him an email just to say hi - I feel lost). The entire service was amazing. We had a 2 hour service in the morning with special music from former members and a guest speaker for the message. The choir sang three songs and was blessed with brand new chairs!!! It was a true blessing.

Saturday I had the opportunity to go to a firearm class for Women at my friend, Kay's, shooting club. I got to shoot a .22 semi-automatic, a .38 and a .44 magnum with a scope!!! That was so much fun.

I took Monday and yesterday off of work and the only thing I did was clean my garage, play Wii with my nephews (I won golf but lost the other games) and went to the park with my neice, nephews and another little one that my friend, Polly, babysits. I actually swang on the swing. Haven't done that in years and it was fun. Polly, the kids and I went to a Mexican restaurant (we didn't remember it was Cinco de Mayo until we got there. Turned out to be appropriate to eat there). It was a great time.

So, that is what I have done. Have I gone to the gym since last Wednesday? No. I want to go tonight but my stomach is bothering me so I am not sure what will happen. I have also ran out of my anti-inflammitories so my entire body hurts.

Well, still having an enormously hard time getting back in to the weight loss. Still extremely frustrated with the entire thing and don't know what to do about it but just wanted to let you all know where I am at.

Thanks for praying. I know it helps. Please don't stop.

In Christ,
Karen

Thoughts

Well, it has been 2 weeks since I ended the Biggest Loser. It has been an interesting time. It has been up and down.

Monday I was truly ready to give up this journey. I was sitting in the parking lot of the gym and trying to decide what the point of going in and working out was doing when I constantly sabotage my exercise with eating horribly. I know what I am doing and still I make those choices.

I did get out of my car and go in and work out. It felt good to do that. Tuesday I didn't make it to the gym and Wednesday I was not feeling well so I didn't get to go either. Now does that mean I have subconciously given up? No. I am not going to give up. Something is going to click and I will get back on this journey. I know that God is not done with me yet and He is working in my life through this. What he is doing I have no idea but...

God Bless,
Karen

Biggest Loser finale

Just to give a quick update. I ended up at the 294.4 pounds tonight at the finale. I lost 13 pounds. Not enough to win but still lost weight.

Karen

Being Honest

Well, I am not sure how many people read this blog anymore which is fine. This blog was started for me to share my feelings about losing weight. I have always hoped to be honest with my postings and I know that sometimes they get negative when I am doing my "reflection". Well, this one will probably come across like that as well.

Tonight on the Biggest Loser the contestant that got voted off was preparing for her wedding. She had tried on a size 24 wedding dress at the beginning of the show and as of the time she was voted off was able to fit into a size 12. She looked beautiful. It made me really sad. I know that my focus needs to be on the Lord and I want that but I also get so lonely and feel like He doesn't want anyone to come into my life. I have gone almost 42 years without someone and it just makes me think that something is terribly wrong with me. I feel loved by the people at church and by the kids and by my friends but it is not the kind of love that I crave and desire. I come home each night to a VERY DIRTY house and the only thing I want to do is play on the computer and watch tv. I work two jobs, I work out, I go to church and when I finally come home I don't want to do anything. If I can't take care of my house then what kind of a spouse would I be?

People tell me I am a sweet, nice person but they don't know me. I only let them see me on my terms. My friend who now lives in Cincinnati asked me if she could stay here if she came up to visit. I live in a 3 bedroom house and don't have anywhere for her to sleep because one room is my computer room and the other spare room is destroyed by my cats and their litter box. I don't want her to stay here because I am ashamed of my house. I have no money to fix it up or get it deep cleaned the way it needs to be and so I have given up on it. If I can't manage this then again, what kind of spouse would I be?

Maybe it is in His plan to not bring me a spouse. If that is the case then who do I have? My mom has me right now but when she passes away I will be all alone. Yes, again, I have my family from church and they are so special to me but they can walk away anytime they want. They aren't here at night when I need someone to talk to or someone to just sit with on the couch and not say anything.

I'm back to a weight loss of 100 pounds and am afraid to go on. I just don't feel loveable in the way that a man loves a woman. I'm afraid that even if I do get the rest of the weight off it won't make a difference. I will just find I am a person at a healthy weight who isn't loveable.

I am so sorry for the way this post is turning out. I don't want to always be so negative and I know that if I really turned it over to God it wouldn't matter if he chooses for me to be single or married but it still hurts and makes me sad.

Do you think the stress of the past few months is catching up to me? Sickness, money issues, weight going up instead of down, brother issues, mom issues, job issues, etc. Please just pray. I know that He has it all planned out and again, I want to trust him. It is just hard to know that He gave me a heart that wants to be loved so much and yet hasn't brought that person into my life.

Dear Heavenly Father, I know that I am sounding really down and discouraged right now. I know, also, that it is okay to have doubts and fears and to express them. I just pray that if you really do choose to keep me single that you will bring me peace about being alone. Help me to not covet what others have. Lord I see so many people from church that have amazing relationships with their spouses. I watch the young people grow up and get married and I want that so bad. Help me to trust that you have a plan and that in your time it will be revealed. Thank you for this medium to post my thoughts so that the amazing friends you have brought into my life can know how to pray. I know that I am loved by each one of them. There is no doubt but it is still hard. Lord, help me to remember that above all else, you love me more than anyone ever could and I can't base my happiness on someone else. I have to be happy in you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. Thanks for tissues too.

Another day of being sick

Well, at the rate I am going I will win the Biggest Loser on Wednesday because I finished my 1st round of antibiotics and two days later the sickness came back. I had to call in sick to work again today. VERY FRUSTRATING.

I went up to my doctor and he wrote me a perscription which the pharmacy won't fill because the perscription is too generic.

I know I haven't written much on the weight loss journey because I went up in weight over the holidays and have lost a lot again but I am still struggling. I am not sure what it will take to get my act together but I pray it happens soon without being tragic.

God Bless,
Karen

Benefits of being sick

Okay. I know, weird title but I have found one benefit to being sick. I came home Monday night and my throat and left ear started hurting. It continued to get worse. It is now Wednesday and I still can't swallow.

Here is the benefit, when I went to the gym on Monday night I had gained 5 pounds over the weekend which put me at 306. Don't ask, tough weekend. Well, today was weigh-in day for Biggest Loser. Since I didn't go to work I obviously am not going to work out so I went and weighed in real quick. I weighed 294. Yes, I lost 12 pounds since Monday.

So, there it is. Get sick and you too can successfully lose weight.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. I found out I have Strep Throat. Not good. But I don't have to work tomorrow.

The Economic Crisis

Okay, if you all know me you know that I do not like politics and I try to stay out of any political discussion because frankly, it is hard to trust them. I do realize that we are all human and running a country has got to be hard work and that you are not going to always make the right decisions but....

When I read articles about companies that have received billions of dollars in taxpayer bailout money and then they pay out bonuses to the executives and send $105 billion to banks that are in France and other countries I get a little frustrated. Now I understand about contracts and I am not in the executive's positions but I would think that if you were working for a company that was needing to be bailed out by the taxpayers wouldn't you even consider not accepting your bonus for the year? Especially if you already bring home a 6 figure salary. Okay, maybe I am being a little idealistic but I am looking at those of us who are barely making ends meet and whose company will be cutting hours for us hourly people and it kind of makes me frustrated.

I know that these executive's worked hard for their position. I don't want to take anything away from them but it is just so sad that all this money that we, as taxpayers, are giving them they want to send to out of the country banks.

Okay, I could vent for a while longer but I will stop for now.

Dear Heavenly Father, You have placed each of us exactly where you want us and I thank you for that. Please help me to remember that you are with me when I don't see the money coming in. Please also help me to remember that those in the banking industry that are receiving the bonuses and in government are your children too. I pray that if it is your will that some may even use those bonuses to help those in this country who are really struggling. Out of all this, please help at least one person who has made unethical and especially unbiblical choices to surrender his or her life to you. Thank your for all you give to each of us every day. In Jesus' name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Breaking hearts

It's hard to even know where to start. I know I have mentioned my friend, Penny, who is going through Cervical Cancer. Well, she went in for internal radiation and the doctor told her husband that the treatments are not working. They are going to try something "outside the box"

I know that we can't give up hope and I know that the Lord is in this but my, along with countless others, heart is breaking. I've been through the loss of two very good friends before and it was hard. My friendship with Penny goes so much deeper than Terry or Beth's ever did. We are all praying for a miracle. God can perform one if that is what He wants.

We also have a guy who isn't that old in our church who has struggled with several medical problems. Well, his heart is failing and he will probably not make it very much longer.

Some how in all this since yesterday I have lost 5 pounds. (I figured I have cried off about 3 pounds and will probably get rid of at least a couple more before the night's over).

Dear Heavenly Father, you know this situation. You allowed it to happen exactly the way it is unfolding. We trust you and know that no matter what you choose Penny will never be loved any more by us then she already is by you. We also know that you love each one of us and will help us get through this time. We will surely be leaning on you harder than anything we have experienced. At least I know I will. Thank you for being there. Please be with Penny, Dustin and the kids. Please continue to comfort then and be with the rest of the family. Please hold them in your loving embrace and give them peace even in this hard time. In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Todays Tip

Now here is some information you can't live without ...> >
At five minutes and six seconds after 4 AM on the 8th of July> this year, the time and date will be 04:05:06 07/08/09.

This will> never happen again> >

Now that was some useful info wasn't it???

Biggest Loser Audition

Well, as some of you know I auditioned for the Biggest Loser yesterday at the open casting here in Central Ohio. 3 of my friends and I had VIP passes so we only had to wait 2 hours instead of the 6-9 that others were waiting.

We stood in line for about 1 1/2 hours of that time and then we were ushered into groups of 30 and moved down a hall. Then we were split into groups of 10 and eventually taken in a room and had 7 minutes for all 10 of us to tell our names, what our jobs were, how old we were and why we wanted to be on the Biggest Loser. My one friend went first and the poor administrator had to cut her off. My friend enjoys talking. Then we had about 40 seconds where the administrator asked if we thought that obese people were treated differently. Everyone had to talk at once. Unfortunatly I couldn't come up with a logical thought because the guy sitting beside me was YELLING IN MY LEFT EAR!!! I literally had trouble hearing out of my left ear when we left the room and for a few hours after. There is no possible way the administrator was able to hear what people were saying. I think she was just looking to see how we all reacted. I just ended up watching her and the others.

So, the next step will be if we get a phone call in the next 4 days now for another interview. Based on that 7 minutes I don't think I will get a call back but that is okay. It was still fun to go do it and I actually wasn't nervous. I just wanted to have fun and had to opportunity to meet some really cool people.

So, that was my day at the BL auditions. Oh, I did get to meet Jerry from last season. He is the police officer from Cleveland who's daughter Coleen ended up doing well on the show. She was at the audition too but I didn't get to meet her. Jerry shook my hand and signed my VIP pass.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the chance to possibly be on a show. I know that wether I get on the show or continue here at home You want me to be healthy. I pray that you will continue to remind me that my health is a choice and no matter what the safe way of losing the weight, I need to do this and can, with your help. In Jesus' name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. My friend who went first got a call back so it must work.

Roller Coaster Ride

Okay, so if you know me at all you know one of the things I want to do when I lose more weight is go on a roller coaster. Well, in the past 7 months I feel like I have been on that roller coaster ride. And it hasn't been fun!!!

I lost the 100 pounds from October 2007 to July of 2008 then I have only lost 7 more since then and over the last 3 months I have gained 20 pounds back. IT IS SO FRUSTRATING!!!!! Yesterday was weigh-in day and I gained 2 pounds from last week. My right arm and my left knee have been hurting with injuries so I can't work out like I want to during the Biggest Loser at the gym.

I am not sure, besides humility, what the lesson I am going to learn is but I really pray that I get focused again and get back on track. I have started today good and just pray I make it through lunch with good choices.

God Bless,
Karen

My story in print

My gym has a website and they put stories on about different people. They decided to put my story on the Biggest Loser section. If you are interested in reading it I have posted the link below. Kind of fun.
http://www.victoryfitnesscenter.net/~victory/biggestloser.html

Weigh-in was last night and I finished at the 5 pound loss mark. I have been having severe knee problems and so my workouts have been minimal at best. Please pray for this.

God Bless,
Karen

Quick Update

BL had it's first weigh-in last night. It wasn't for elimination but I lost 5.2 pounds since the weigh in last Monday.

Still VERY SORE.

Have a great day,
God Bless,
Karen

Prayer Request

Okay, we started the exercise portion of the Biggest Loser last night. I did 1/2 hour of core, 20 minutes of legs with Craig and two of my teammates and 1 hour of a Circuit class. Today I am very sore and I have Bootcamp tonight.

The problem is that my shoulder is still bothering me. I went to my orthopedic doctor today and he told me that there should not still be swelling and tenderness. I am having a Catscan on Friday morning. I think it is just that I have not totally rested it since I had the injury and that I just keep irritating it but I don't know. If you could just pray for this that would be great.

Also, my mom is having some serious financial problems that may result in the loss of her home. Please pray that the people wanting their money are willing to work with her and that she does what she is supposed to do.

Thanks,
God Bless,
Karen

Just chillin

I am getting ready for church but I wanted just touch base about my party. Our Employee Banquet was Thursday night and it was fun. I knew by 4pm that I hadn't won the Employee of the Year because I designed the certificates and had to make up the top 5 certificates. My name was not on it!! Oh well.

We had so much fun. Everyone seemed to have a good time. Everyone said that I looked really good. That was fun. I feel so blessed that God brought a simple red dress and finalized all the details. Two of my dear friends who have been promoted to other properties were able to come so that was a blessing too.

Dear Heavenly Father, thanks for a fun and wonderful night. Thanks for special friends and just getting to spend time with co-workers in a fun setting. Help me to be a witness for you. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

Weigh-In (not good) and Answered Prayer (EXCELLENT)

Okay, first the bad news. I weighed in tonight at 307.4. NOT GOOD AT ALL!!!! I did pretty well all day (I did eat bread pudding at lunch) until dinner tonight. I ate at White Castle because I was very hungry it was almost 8pm.

Tomorrow is another day and I will try again.

Okay, the good news. I bought a very pretty dress for my employee banquet on Thursday. The problem was that it is a sleeveless dress. So, today I decided to take it back since I couldn't make sleeves and a shawl would have driven me crazy. I stopped at Catherines to take some pants back and the girls at Catherines told me to try to find a sweater and not take my dress back. (It was from another store so it didn't benefit them). Anyway, I decided to stop at a local Thrift Store on my way to the gym. I went in, found the plus section and looked at EVERY black jacket/sweater they had. Finally, the last 3 I looked at there was one that was a short sweater in a 2X. I tried it on and it seemed to fit okay. So, I took it to the cashier and it wasn't the $3.99 listed but it was 1/2 off. That is right, not only did God send me to the Thrift Store but he gave it to me at 1/2 off. I took the dress and sweater to the gym to see the effect in a full length mirror. All the people who saw it so I guess it looks okay. So, the outfit I am wearing to my employee banquet cost me $18.12.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the Biggest Loser. Thank you that I am at a point that I see I need to lose this weight. Thank you also for making it clear that I should wear this dress. I know it is a small thing but thank you. In Jesus' name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

The Biggest Loser

Okay, today is that day again. We start the Biggest Loser at the gym. I can’t wait. It was nice to take a break from that and mentally I think it showed me how important teams and friends are to help me on this journey. But I am ready to be back now.

As you have read from my previous post I have been struggling again. Okay, that is a minor word for what I have been going through. I have just not really tried. I have said I was going to “get going again” then promptly ate whatever fattening thing I wanted. Makes me really mad!!!

BUT, for today, this minute, I am done with that. I am saying it like this because I have never been good with following through on my promises and with my self-doubt at a high I want to make some small goals and then go from there.

I will post tonight on my current weight for the start of the contest. I will then post every Wednesday night on what my current weight is. I plan for it to go down but I do continue to ask for your prayers. I know they are there and I know that I am probably the only one who is struggling with believing that I can finish this so I thank you all for that. But I definitely need your prayers.

My adopted mom, Sue, sent me a card that I got on Saturday that had a bible verse that means a lot to me. It is Galatians 6:9 - Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. What a special verse.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the reminder that through you, if I continue on the path you are taking me, then it will all be worth it. You know my heart and know that I am afraid of failing again but you continue to bring people into my life that show me how much you believe in me. You also bring your word. Lord, help me to make decisions with my eating that will glorify you. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

Dreams and Goals

So I just read a story about a competition with some frogs who where trying to race to the top of a really high tower. As they were climbing everyone that was watching was kept yelling that there was no way they could make it and that it was way to high. As the competition continued the frogs continued to fall off the tower. Finally, only one frog kept going and made it all the way to the top. Everyone was stunned. They asked him how he did it and found out that he was deaf so he never heard the doubters. This story encourages you to become “deaf” to the doubters and continue on to your goals and dreams. (By the way, I am the doubter in this story!!! Not you all - you believe in me)

That story, which I have read before, really makes me think about my goals and dreams. On Facebook we did this 25 random things about yourself. It took the help of friends to come up with 25 things because my entire life I only look at the negative about myself. Usually, when I make a goal the opposite happens. If I say I will not eat fast food for an entire week I end up eating there every day. If I say I need to get to a certain weight by a specific date, I don’t even come close and usually end up not losing anything or gaining. I am afraid to make goals.

As far as my dreams go I have kind of lost those as well. I look at my age getting higher and my dream of a husband and children doesn’t seem to be in my future. I know that God is in control and if He wants me to have a husband and children then he will bring that into my life but so far… Also, part of the dream was to actually carry that child and I am getting older by the day.

I also love my company I work for but I do not like all the paperwork and things I have to do. But, I don’t know what my “dream job” would be. I like so many things but don’t know what I could do with them.

I also want to be financially stable. If I want to go to a movie or buy a pair of shoes that I need I don’t want to have to feel guilty. But, because I am very poor at sticking to my budget I don’t even do what God asks me with His money.

Yes, this post sounds very negative. Sorry. It is really hard when you have grown up being negative. I am trying to look at it through God’s word but because I have been struggling again for the last several months I just continue to get more discouraged.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for working in my heart. I see you doing things that try to get my attention every single day and yet I continue to fight you on it all. Yet, you haven’t given up on me. Thank you so much for that. Please help me to create some goals and dreams that you want for me and then trust you to help me reach those. Lord, I thank you for the people in my life who encourage me every day even when I am sure they feel like a broken record. Help me to “empty me so that I can be filled with you”. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

Facebook, Old Friends and the Steelers

As most of you who read this blog know there is this wonderful internet craze going around called Facebook. Now, I have to admit that when my friends started joining I thought they said "faithbook". Couldn't find it anywhere on the computer. Finally, I asked someone and they gave me the right address. So I joined. Didn't have a clue what I was doing but thought, okay, here is a way to keep in touch with my friends from church.

Little did I know that it would open a whole new world for me. I have been on it for about a year or so and have found many friends that I have not spoken to since high school and college. It has been such a blessing. I know that modern technology sometimes keeps us from spending time with God but I think that this can be used to glorify him and maybe introduce him to those who may never had heard anything about him.

I feel bolder when I am sending messages for some reason.

Probably the best part of this is the old friends. There have been 3-4 people that I haven't spoken to in a long time that were very special friends of mine. Time and life did not allow us to keep in touch but this has reintroduced us and for that I am very grateful.

If you are on facebook and I haven't "friended" you yet let me know. If you are not on facebook you should give it a try. It is not perfect and some of the ads on the side are not the greatest but the opportunity to reconnect with friends is amazing.

On a different note I just have to say GO STEELERS!!!!!! If you didn't know this either my Steelers won their 6th Superbowl Sunday. Only team in NFL history to win 6 Superbowls!!! I am very proud of them.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for modern technology. Lord, I think of the way people had to communicate when your son walked this earth in human form and to know that 2000 years later we can just turn on our computer and talk to a friend is amazing. Lord, please help us to use this technology to glorify you and not for reasons that would not be pleasing. In Jesus' name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Vacation?

Okay, so several weeks ago I thought I had 3 days of vacation left and was going to use 2 personal days to take a full week off. Well, I double checked with my payroll and through Human Resources and figured out I still had 5 days left so I finally settled on this week to take off.

Well, we have had a winter storm here and I have been stuck inside since Tuesday evening. (I did go out and shovel my driveway yesterday). I HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE. There are times when I wish I could just stay home and do nothing but that time has ended.

I also just checked my emails from work and the HR coordinator emailed and said that not only do I not have 5 days of vacation but I only have 2 days. Which means if she is right then I will not get paid for tomorrow. Not a good thing. I have to wait until Monday to double check everything. I still think I have at least 3 days.

So, this vacation is not turning out to be one of my favorites but it will all workout.

God bless,
Karen

Sitting in a radio station

Well, I am sitting in the basement of a local Christian radio station. They are doing a "Mission of Mercy" radiothon. Mission of Mercy is an organization that allows you to support children from all over the world. So far, the phone hasn't rung. It is the beginning of the time so I pray it picks up.

I decided to do this because, as much as I would like to sponser a child, financially I can't right now.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you so much for this ministry. We pray that all 197 children get sponsered and that they have a chance to know you as their personal saviour. Please bless those who are willing to support a child. In Jesus' Name, Amen

Health by choice

As you have read in the last few emails my friend Penny is going through a cancer diagnosis. It is not good but thank the Lord, could be worse.

Well, it has made me stop and realize something. (Shouldn't have taken this but sometimes God has to use something big to get my attention). Penny has no control over her health. What is happening to her is for a reason and we may never know it but she did not ask for it and none of us want to see her go through it. This is a disease that comes out of no where and the only thing that can be done is what the doctors have learned and if God chooses to heal then he will. But Penny can only do what the doctor is asking her to do.

I, however, am still at a seriously unhealthy weight and though my vitals, heart and general health is good right now every day I remain overweight I am risking that health. The difference is that I have a choice. I am not overweight because of some disease. I am overweight because of making poor choices and using my experiences growing up as an excuse to hide. I, with God's help, can lose this weight and get healthy. I have that choice and that ability. I don't need the doctors to give me medicine or any of that stuff. I just need to make better decisions.

Lord, thank you for showing me that my health is a choice. I, with your help, can lose this remainder of weight and get to a healthy weight so that I can accomplish so much more for you. Please continue to show me that my health is a choice. There are so many out there who don't have the option to get healthy. Help me to stop making excuses and start losing this weight again. You continue to show me that my weight loss is doing good for others as well. Please continue to be with Penny and her family. Please, if it is your will, heal Penny of this disease that she has no control over. Thank you that you are a loving and all powerful God who can work miracles. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

If you have an issue that you can control to get healthy please don't wait until a friend get's sick and has no control. Take the step to make the changes necessary to get healthy now.

God Bless,
Karen

God is definately in Control

As you know, my friend is battling an ugly disease, cancer. I won't go into details but we found out good and bad news today.

Over the next few months she will be undergoing a lot of treatments. Next week being one of the biggest ones.

A few months ago I realized that I still had 5 vacation days left before March 14th, my 9th anniversary. I looked at the calendar and thought of a few weeks to use it. I finally settled on the week of January 25th. See where I am going with this? God knew in advance that my friend would be having these treatments next week and worked it out so that I would be available the entire week except for a two hour window on Monday to help in any way that I was needed.

He has also given me the opportunity to show His hand in all this. A few people have said how funny it is that I took the same week off that I would be needed. I was able to explain that God knew I would need to take that week off and there was nothing strange about it.

Heavenly Father, thank you so much for your hand in everything. Thank you for the encouraging news about Penny. We know that it will be a long struggle and that the danger is not over for her but I thank you for what you have done so far. Thank you for giving me next week off so that I could be available to help whereever I am needed. Please continue to watch over Penny and her family. The fight she has ahead of her will be long and hard but we can see there is hope!!! In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

"Sometimes He Calms the Storm"

Several years ago I worked at a Christian Bookstore in a part time capacity. Since I have been at my current part time job for 12 1/2 years it has been a really long time. Anyway, there was a CD by a new artist named Scott Krippayne. I loved the CD and bought the demo copy. I had not listened to it in years, however. So, when I put it in my CD player a couple of weeks ago it was like hearing a new CD all over again. The songs are all wonderful. But, one has really stood out to me over the last week. I have put the words below.

The song is called "Sometimes He Calms the Storm". As Christians we are not promised a perfect life. We are just promised that no matter what this life brings, Christ will be with us through it all. This last week has really taken me to places of discouragment but then I feel God "holding me" . Not only is my friend, Penny, and her family going through this cancer diagnosis but my uncle, who I grew up near, is on life support in a hospital in New Orleans because of COPD. The only thing I can do in this situation is turn it over to Him and be still and know that when the winds are whipping that He is holding me tight in His arms.

I pray the words of this song help you as much as they are helping me.

God Bless,
Karen

All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control
Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn’t mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child
He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we’re shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always
Be a quiet peaceful place

Perspective

You know, this journey has had so many ups and downs that when I look back I wonder why I waste so much time and then I wonder how things go so fast.

Well, I found out some not good news about a friend who is like my sister today. I won't go into detail but looking at the journey she and her family will have to take my journey has been nothing.

Dear Heavenly Father, You have a plan in everything and this is no different. I pray that whatever You do in this situation that we don't forget that you are never going to leave us or forsake us. Please be with my friend and her family in this time. In Jesus' name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

Shoulders and weather

It has been awhile since I posted. Not a lot going on. The New Year was a good one. I only had to work until 11:30pm and got in my front door at 11:59pm and 46 seconds. I got to see the ball drop for 14 seconds. No one did anything this year. Clayton was in Arizona with his band and so it seemed that nothing got organized. We were all home and most in bed by like 12:05am.

I have been going to the gym regularly but not really pushing it. On the 20th of December I hurt my shoulder and it is still bothering me big time. I am heading to an orthopedic doctor in a few minutes. He will probably tell me that it is just a slight injury and I will have to deal with it. I just don't want to injure it more but it sure is hindering me from working out. I tried to do bootcamp on Saturday and did some pushups. It hurt really bad after and then I tried to do some shoulder raises Tuesday and it hurts again. I haven't done the barbell class since the 20th and I only do the bike and elliptical because I hold on with the treadmill and it pulls the shoulder. We start the Biggest Loser again in February and I really want to do it but if my shoulder is not well I don't know.

Last night I didn't get to the gym because we are having some sleet and snow. I made Clayton walk me to my car from church because it was really slippery. Maybe it will be good to take the days off. Then Saturday when I go back my body will be ready for a good workout?

Anyway, that is what is happening in my world. I am reapplying to the Biggest Loser for Season 8. I watched the new season start on Tuesday and it scares me to see if I can do that. Josh, one of my trainers, confirmed that I could do it. I wish I believed in myself as much as others do sometimes.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for all that you bring into my life. If this shoulder injury is something that you brought to slow me down please help me to see that. If you are trying to get me to totally rely on you and not the gym or anything else please help me to see that too. Thank you for the people in my life. Help me to see myself the way that you and others see me.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen