Get my act together

Okay. I went to the gym today and knew that I needed to work on getting my act together. Little did I know that it is worse than I thought. I weighed in to see where I was so I would have a "starting" point again. I hit the 300 pound mark again. Yes, you are reading right. I am VERY DISAPPOINTED!!!! That doesn't mean that I am stopping. I have done pretty well today and will go back to the one meal at a time. That is all I can do on my end. I need to really take time to pray about all of this and turn it over to God again. I have fought Him and used the excuse that it was the holidays so I could be bad. Well, the holidays are over. No more excuses.

Can I ask two favors of you though? Can you first and foremost pray for this situation? I know that you have been and I am so thankful for that but I really need it more than ever right now. Mentally, today, I am ready to tackle this again with God's help. Secondly, please don't give me any excuses for my eating. What I need is people telling me the truth. I know that people struggle. There is no way that we can't, we are human but that doesn't give me an excuse to eat poorly all the time. Yes, occasionally but when I complain or feel mad about my choices everyone tells me that you have to "cheat" every once in awhile, well, unfortunatly I am getting that all the time. My "every once in awhile" is turning out to be WAY TO FREQUENTLY. I know that everyone is trying to be encouraging and I am so thankful for all of that but knowing my personality, I know that is not the best thing. PLEASE DON'T STOP ENCOURAGING. But don't give me an excuse that I can use to eat poorly.

Dear Heavenly Father, I am so thankful for the special people you have brought into my life. It has been so amazing and I know that when they tell me something about every one making mistakes and needing to "cheat" that they are trying to encourage and help me not feel bad about myself but you know my heart and my head and you know that I will use that as an excuse to continue to "cheat" and do it even more. Lord, thank you for taking me back up in weight so that I can see what my choices are doing. You have brought me too far for me to stop now and I know that with your help I can continue this journey you have me on. You have something special planned and for that I am so excited. Please help me to do this journy for Your honor and glory and to be healthy.
In Jesus' Name,
Karen

You gotta love answered prayers

I don't want to go into a lot of details about this answered prayer but I just wanted to let you know that God has already answered a prayer from my previous post. Let's just say it brought happy tears to my eyes and has nothing to do with bringing a guy into my life. (Though I am going to a law office party in a few minutes. Who knows...)

Anyway,

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you so much for another answered prayer and an opportunity to talk to the person about it. Even when I doubt and complain you are still answering them anyway. In Jesus' Name, Amen

God bless,
Karen

The Thought of Happiness

HAPPY–adjective
1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.
2. characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.
3. favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky: a happy, fruitful land.
4. apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas.
5. obsessed by or quick to use the item indicated (usually used in combination): a trigger-happy gangster. Everybody is gadget-happy these days.

So, wonder why I have placed that above description for all to read? Well, I have been doing a lot of thinking about this subject. Last night when I went to the gym I didn't want to be there, I had gone home, fed the cats, stopped and got a quick bite to eat, stopped at a clothing store and bought an outfit (which I couldn't afford but needed) so I felt guilty by the time I got to the gym. Then I had tried to call mom a couple of times and she didn't answer so I was afraid her phone didn't work again and headed over there. So, by the time I got back to the gym I was in a bad mood AGAIN. Craig asked me how I was doing and I told him I was grumpy.

It hit me then that I am around a lot of people throughout my day who are in a bad mood or who have a negative outlook on things and I let that affect me. I am so tired of being in a bad or grumpy mood all the time. I constantly wonder what is wrong with me that God hasn't brought someone into my life. Then I realize that having a constant negative and bad attitude makes me not want to be around certain people so who would want to be around me in that state of mind? I don't even want to be around me a lot of times.

I have been blessed with so many wonderful friends and love everyone of them but I go home lonely and sad everynight. I talk on the phone all day at work so I tell people I don't like to talk on the phone. If I go out to dinner I don't invite anyone because I want to read my book. I don't keep my house as clean as I should and use my cats health as an excuse to not have people over yet I complain about being lonely. ARRRRGGGGGHHHH. I know I push people away and don't invite people in because I am afraid. Afraid of being hurt, afraid of people leaving AGAIN, afraid that I will fail like I have done so many times in the past.

I don't want to be like this. I want to be happy. But not happy in the world, happy in Christ. He gives me opportunities each and every day and I constantly fight him or turn away his gifts of love, support and encouragement.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the gifts that you give. Gifts of love, hope, encouragement and most importantly, your Son. Lord, help me to search you out and to be happy in you. Not in myself, not in what others say or do for me but in Your love only. Help me to stop turning away the things you want to give me and ignoring the lessons that you are trying to teach me. Lord, I do love you and thank you for it all.
In Jesus' Name, Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Out of the mouth of babes

Okay, so I was having lunch on Sunday with my family from church. We were celebrating Sue and Katie's birthday. I ended up sitting next to my 6 year old niece, Anna. We were talking about her mom turning 40 this coming Friday and I told Anna that I was older than her mom. She looks directly at me and says, "Then why aren't you married?" Her parents just laughed and I looked at her and explained that God hadn't brought someone into my life yet. She told me that I need to get married and be a mom.

I thought that was a pretty profound statement. I like the idea a lot but had to explain to her that it was in God's timing not mine. I did mumble that I would love for it to be sooner rather than later since I am getting older but...

So, anyway, I was pretty happy she thought I would be a good mom.

God bless,
Karen

Galatians 3:1-5

Galatians 3:1-5 (New International Version)
Galatians 3
Faith or Observance of the Law 1You foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? Before your very eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed as crucified. 2I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? 3Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? 4Have you suffered so much for nothing—if it really was for nothing? 5Does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you because you observe the law, or because you believe what you heard?

Okay. Are you wondering what this verse has to do with me? Well, even if you aren't I have to tell you. As most of you know I have been struggling for a long time. This journey started out easy and I have made it hard. God continues to give me opportunities to get heathly and I keep balking at Him. Well, last night I was walking around my house praying as I was getting ready for bed. I asked him to show me what I was doing to sabotage this step of obedience that he has me on. When I sat down and opened my Bible the passage that he sent to me was Gal 3:1-5.

Yes, this passage is talking about salavation and that you can't do anything to get to heaven you just have to have the faith that Christ was born and then died on the Cross to save me. But, if you read some of the words it is also talking to me about trying to do things my own way and not having the faith that I started this journey with. The faith that says, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6 Especially verse 3.

Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for answering that pray immediately. I know that you have a plan. Even this morning you brought someone into my scope who was asking questions on how I have lost this weight so far. I pray that one meal at a time I can do your will and make choices that will glorify you and get me back started on the direction to be healthier so that I can do your work. In Jesus Name, Karen

It's been awhile

Just wanted to touch base. I pray that everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving? I had a nice one. Quiet the first part since it was just Mom and me and then very fun and noisy the second part since it was with my adopted family that have 14 grandkids and 12 additional adults plus me.

I didn't do too bad on my eating. I gained 2 pounds but I seem to do that just by breathing so... I did come down with an allergy cold though. Still fighting that. I worked out Friday and Saturday which was good but hard. When you struggle to breath normally from a cold adding a workout really pushes it. They were good and intense.

God is still working with me in a lot of areas. (I know, He never stops) but these seem to be areas that He has tried to get my attention on a lot. I was just thinking as I was coming in this morning that last year at this time I was excited to walk up the stairs instead of use the elevator. This year I am struggling with that. So, even though I am still struggling with this goofy breathing/cold I used the steps in the walkway and from the basement to the third floor.

These are just the little things I need to work on to bring me back to where I was at last year. God hasn't walked away from this journey, I have drifted some. Just need to get back in the right direction.

God Bless,
Karen

A long way from last year

Well, it is Thanksgiving week again. I decided to look back at last years posts to try to remind me of where I was a year ago.

One of my biggest fears with this journey has been that I would fail or quit 1/2 way through. As most of you are reading you know that I have struggled a lot since July. I realized something last night though. I am the only one right now who feels that I will fail. God believes in me, the people at church believe in me, the people at work believe in me and my family believes in me. Why do I have to be the one who is sure I will fail? I guess I know my former self. I know where I have been and how I usually end up doing things. I usually end up giving up.

One of the reasons for this blog was to encourage others with my journey but the thing I need to do now is go back and see where my thoughts were when I was doing well. I can get there again. I know that God hasn't brought me this far for no reason. He has a plan and this struggle is a part of it. I just need to stop and listen to him and see what it is about.

I will do well, with his help. I know that I can make it through Thanksgiving without going overboard. If you want to pray that would be great though. I can use all the help I can get.

God bless,
Karen

My television debut

It is funny. Last night was the Makeover segment on the local news. They were so nice!!! Some of the things that both Jacob Neal and the tv newscaster said really nice things. I was very happy with the turnout.

I am hoping that my friend can copy it and my commercial from the video tape to his dvr so that I can upload them both. If he can I will add it to here.

Anyway, most of the people I told about it forgot to watch and the ones that I didn't tell actually saw it. They want me to bring in the video tomorrow.

God bless,
Karen

P.S. I think Brandy is doing better. I am still not sure but I didn't leave her in the spare room today. I let her stay out since she ate most of her food. Poor baby is still not back to where she was.

Pets

These last few days have been very hard on me. I have a beautiful cat named Brandy Marie. She is around 14 years old and was diagnosed with end stage Kidney Failure in February 2005. She was given 3 months to live. It is now November of 2008. She has been doing so well. Even Monday morning she was eating fine.

When I came home Monday night she didn't meet me at the door and then when she came down she didn't eat. She hasn't eaten since Monday morning at 7am. I have taken her to the vet two times. Her kidney functions were good and her heart and lungs sounded good. So, the vet gave me an appetite stimulant. If that doesn't work then I will have to put her to sleep on Saturday.

It has been breaking my heart. I knew that this time would come but it is still so hard. She is my baby!!!! I don't know if you have pets or if you understand how special they are to me but she is my baby and I will miss her if I have to put her down.

The good thing is that she nibbled today on her food. I have her closed in a spare room with all the amenities a cat would ever need. She should be fine in there. Food is out. I had to put her in there because her sister would eat the food if I didn't and I wouldn't know if Brandy or Brittany ate.

Anyway, I pray that I have a little more time with her but if I don't that God will make it clear that it is the time.

God Bless,
Karen

My afternoon at the spa

Well, the day at home didn't start well. Actually it started last night when I got home. My baby, Brandy, normally meets me at the door for her food with her sister, Brittany but last night she was not there. She did come down stairs but didn't eat anything at all. She has had end stage kidney failure since February 2005 and was only supposed to last 3 months. So, I figured it was time. I cried from the time I got home until I came home from the vet today. The vet thinks she has an infection and gave me an antibiotic and pain medicine. Then told me to give her extra liquid treatments because she was a little dehydrated. So, that is good news so far. (She still hasn't eaten and it is 7pm on Tuesday night but I am praying.)

Anyway, so I knew that the makeup artist would have her work cut out for her since I had cried for several hours. I arrived at 1:30pm and the camera man for the tv station came in a few minutes after. They put me in the lovely robes and had me sit in a chair and not smile so they could get my before picture. Then Michael colored my hair a dark brown and lightened my eyebrows. Then he cut my hair pretty short and styled it pretty funky. I don't think I will be able to duplicate it but... Then Phyllis took me in and waxed my eyebrows. Then she put a lot of makeup on me. It looked great though. She kept telling me how beautiful my eyes are and how long my eyelashes are.

Then I put my shirt back on, they found me a nice necklace and then Michael "puffed" my hair back into shape. Then the camera man had me sit in another chair and took an after shot of me. I had a big smile on my face. The good thing was that the salon people want me to come back and do it again when I make my goal weight. I thought that was pretty cool!!!

Then I went to the gym and everyone there thought it looked great. They all commented on my hair and a couple of the guys make really nice comments.

All in all it was a great time. I wish Brandy's health hadn't been hanging over my head but God has His reasons. The show will air on Monday sometime between 5pm and 6pm. Here is a picture.

God Bless,
Karen

GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

Awhile ago I think I entered a local television station contest for a "Jacob's Monday Makeover" contest. I just got an email asking for my phone number. The lady called me from the television station and I won!!!! I get to go tomorrow and have a makeover done then they will film it and I will be on the television next Monday evening!!!!!

I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll tell you how it goes tomorrow night.

God Bless,
Karen

Addition

I just read something in a dear friends blog about the election yesterday and how she was handling it. The one line in there that really got to me was about not allowing Satan to enjoy her anger and fear.

That is what I am doing by holding on to this negative/poor me attitude.

Dear Heavenly Father, I know you are in control. Lord, you are bigger than any struggle or fears that I may have. Thank you for Megan's reminder that giving into these attitudes just brings joy to Satan and destroys my testimony for You. Which is what he wants. But you are much bigger than him as well and I thank you that you sent your son to be my saviour. In Jesus name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

Posting about everything but emotions.

Okay, so I have been posting about a lot of things but my weight situation. I guess the reason is that it is the same ole, same ole. I made it to the 286 pound mark 2 weeks ago and have done nothing but go up from there. I haven't wanted to post because it seems that all of my posts about my weight have been negative and I don't want to keep going there.

A lot of the emotions stem from being a woman. I do have an appointment in December with my doctor and I will be talking to her then to see if there is anything that can help. But, I am also using that as an excuse to just be negative and not try. The old patterns are continually rearing their ugly heads more each day. I am using food as my comfort and escape. There are again, so many stresses in my life right now and even though I need to turn them over to God I am struggling with how to do it. AGAIN. Things again feel out of control. I am burned out on working 2 jobs, I have no money, my family is still not talking and there are a lot of medical problems with them too. One of the things that the Bible says is that you should give your ties to the church first and then God will supply the other things you need. I am so far behind that if I give money to church then I will be even further behind on my other bills because I am trying to play catch up. I want to be obedient but...

Well, that is kind of where I am at right now. Sorry to once again make this a negative post. I am confident that He who has begun a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. I just need to continue to focus on that in my heart and not just in my head.

God Bless,
Karen

A New Era

Well, I will admit that I do not like politics. I try to avoid them as much as possible. But I felt that I should document my feelings on the new era that the United States is getting ready to experience.

Last night the country elected it's first African American President. Now, the only reason I write it that way is because it is history. No matter how you look at it. And I will tell you that I did not vote for him not because of his race or anything else. If there had been a candidate that I believed based his/her beliefs on God's word then it wouldn't matter to me what race, color, or gender. I did not vote for him because there are too many questions about the people he associates with, his experience and especially his biblical beliefs. He is pro-abortion and pro-same sex marriage among other things. Now, I know that these topics are touchy and I am not writing this to offend anyone but the bible is clear on these issues and therefore I have to base my vote on that.

The other thing that scares me is as I was walking upstairs from taking the mail down I overheard the newscaster mention that he had received an email from someone in Iraq and that the Taliban is excited because now they can negotiate with the United States. How scary is that? That is just one example.

There are so many other reasons but I just listed a few. I know that God is in control and I know that there will be some people who will read this and not be happy with the post but as a Christian I feel the need to document about the changes in our country. And no matter what, this is our country. I love America, I love the freedom's that I receive and I love the fact that I have a choice. Sometimes the end result is not what I wanted but I know that somehow this next chapter can somehow end good and that God will be glorified. One of the ways is the way, we as Christians, handle our words, our actions and our witness.

Heavenly Father, thank you for the freedoms we have to choose. Though the election didn't turn out how the majority of the Christian population wanted we know that you are in control. Please be with Mr. Obama, guide him in his decisions and help him to come to know you as his personal saviour. Lord, please be with America. This country was founded on Christian principles and I pray that we would come back to those. Again, thank you for your hand in all of this. Amen

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. I guess the Redskins theory was accurate. The stat is 18-18 now.

Voting and theories

Okay, I was up at 6:25am and out of the house by 6:50am this morning to vote. I wanted to be there by 7am. When I arrived they had split the check-in lines from A-K and L-Z. Fortunately, my name is still in the L's so I got the shorter line. I was in and out by 7:55am. The people in the A-K line were waiting an extra 1/2 hour.

So, do your duty and get out and vote. It may take awhile but this will be an opportunity that God is giving you to meet your neighbors and show Him through how you handle waiting in long lines.

Now onto theories. A friend told me yesterday that if it was sunny on election day then the Republican's win and if it was raining the Democrats win. Well, it is sunny today. But... During the Pittsburgh Steelers/Washington Redskins game last night the announcers stated that if the Redskins win their final home game before the election then Republicans win and if they lose then the Democrats win. Guess what? They lost. (I tried really hard to root against my Steelers but just couldn't do it). GO STEELERS.

So, we will see which theory works. Actually, since God is in control of this entire thing it doesn't matter which theory "wins" he has it all planned out.

Heavenly Father, thank you for the right and duty to vote. Thank you for the freedoms and responsibility to make our voices heard. We ask that you will be with this election day. That you will keep everyone safe and help those who are standing in long lines to be calm and to establish friendships no matter what direction they are voting. Even right now, help someone who is voting based on your word to be a strong influence in a non-believers life. Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

I love my trainers

I just have to thank God for the two special trainers He has placed in my life. I wish I could afford to have them train me on a one on one basis all the time but... I am not going to elaborate on why they are so special but just know that Craig and Josh are two of the people who make working out and doing this journey so special. I pray that if you are on a similar journey that He will bring someone into your life like these two men.

God Bless,

Karen

A needed day off...

I had a great time last night. I had the blessing of ushering at the "Main Event" down at OSU. James Laurinaitis, Malcolm Jenkins and some other OSU players along with Coach Tressel spoke about their faith and belief in Christ. How they are Christians first, and are just blessed with the platform of being an OSU Football player to spread the gospel. It was really fun!!!

I thought I would be helping input cards from the attendees and so I took today off to get them done by 2am this morning. Well, I didn't have to but I still have the day off. I have done NOTHING!!!!! It is almost 1:30pm and I am still in my nightgown. I took a long bath to finish reading a book I was working on and am watching a show about babies.

Now, don't think I am going to be a total bum today. I am getting ready to go to the gym and play in the pool then the hottub then the sauna. Oh, I am also getting a new workout card today by Craig, doing the Barbell class with Craig and having Josh work with me on endurance on the treadmill.

So, just wanted to share my lazy day.

Heavenly Father, Thank you for days like this. Though my house has a lot of things that need done there are days that we just need to have this time to relax too. In Jesus Name, Amen

"Unknown"

Fire and Rain is my favorite song
I say a prayer at 11:11
I could watch old movies all night long
I'm not sure about hell but I know there's a heaven
Sometimes at feel so alone it scares me
I talk in my sleep but there's no one to hear me
Unknown
I don't want to be unknown
The little things that make me who I am
I need to share
I need to know that someone cares
That I drink coffee black
That I sing when I drive
That I sleep with the TV on
More then anything
I don't want to be unknown
I love September when leaves turn gold
I get nervous in crowed places
Someday I want to see San Francisco
I'm bad with names, but remember faces
I need more then a kiss, more then a lover
I'm a world that's waiting to be discovered
UnknownI don't want to be unknown
The little things that make me who I am
I need to shareI need to know that someone cares
That I write down my dreams
That I love when it rains
I burn candles when I'm alone
More then anything
I don't want to be unknown
More then anything
No one wants to be unknown

The above words are from a song on an album by a country singer named Chely Wright. I hadn't listened to this CD for awhile and decided to pull it out a few weeks ago. This song really hit home. Though the likes are not mine and I definately believe in Heaven and Hell the message in the song is what works on my heart.

I have been blessed with a great group of friends that are so special to me but I don't want to be "unknown". God has a plan for my life and if He wants me to have that human companionship then I know that he will bring him to me. And I know that He is the one who will know me better than anyone will ever but...

Anyway, thought I would share a little piece of my heart.

God Bless,
Karen

Missions, Bootcamp and Biggest Loser

Well, today was a very cold day outside in the land of the midwest. And, guess what we had today at the gym? An outdoor "Fitness on a Mission" fundraising event. It started at 9am with a pump and run contest which my friends Sherry and Lisa participated in. They did great!!! Sherry came in third and Lisa came in fourth. I was so proud of them. Then it was the "Biggest Outdoor Bootcamp". Not just for the Biggest Loser contestants but for everyone so it was real. I think I did pretty well. I am pretty tired right now though.

Then we had the team competition for the Biggest Loser. So, we started by high-stepping over some mini-cones with a pole across them, shuffling over these things, hopping over very little hurdles (I still had trouble), carrying 4 tires around three boxing thingies and putting them on a pole and then, the finale. We had to do an inflatable obstacle course. Okay, I have to be honest, it scared the daylights out of me!!!! We had to go through a hole, climb over a wall that was about 3-4 feet tall (don't know how tall but...), run through a smaller hole, climb under or over or through another wall and then pull ourselves up this very little latter thing to a giant slide and come down. Wow, I didn't think I could do it but guess what? I made the entire thing in 2 minutes and 46 seconds. Now, I know that is a lot of time since the people who did a good job finished in around 50 seconds but I DID IT!!!! I even have an outside witness. My friend Penny and her 4 kids came and watched the competition!!! Thank you so much Penny. Here is a picture of something similar to the one we did. I couldn't find an exact one but you get the idea.

So, that was a fun time had by all and a lot of money raised for some great organizations.

Dear God, thank you for the sunshine you gave us today along with the safety. Thank you for allowing me to do something that I didn't believe I would ever be able to do. Thanks as well for Penny and her family. It was such a cold day but you still allowed her to come out and watch. You know how special that was to me. Amen

God Bless,

Karen

The inches are leaving

Just a quick update. I was measured yesterday and lost a total of 18 inches overall from September 1st to October 22 (which incidentally was my one year anniversary for being activally working out at the gym).

I am pretty excited.

Dear God, Thank you so much for helping me lose these inches. I know that I get discouraged when the pounds don't go away but you are reminding me that it isn't all about pounds but the inches are a great thing. Amen

God Bless,
Karen

Another Answered Prayer

Well, I am pretty sure that Thomas and I have a lot in common when it comes to doubting. As you know if you have been reading my blog since July I have struggled to lose more weight. Well, last Wednesday I made it back to my original lowest weight of 290.2. So, Thursday I weighed in again to see if it was just water weight that I had lost. I still weighed 290.2. What a blessing that was!!!!!

Okay, so after not working out since Thursday and having Mexican and donuts over the weekend I was a little afraid to get on the scale last night. So, after the Core class I stepped on the scale and about fell over. READY??? I was at 288.6!!! That is right, I am FINALLY in the 280's. I know it wasn't water either since I had not really sweated yet. I grabbed Criag and made him look at the scale too so that I had a witness!!! Now, just to stay in that direction.

Now, why you may ask, do I compare myself to Thomas? Well, I had begun to doubt I would ever lose any more weight.

Thank you God for answering yet another prayer. Especially from someone who wants to be in "control" and fights you so hard on things!!! What a blessing it is to know that you love me and want the best for me no matter how stubborn I become.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. I ended this round of the Biggest Loser at 286.6. Another 2 pounds from Monday!!! I am getting measured tonight (10/22/08). I will let you know what happens there.

God's stretching weekend.

Well, it sure has been an interesting weekend. Yesterday was hard because it was homecoming at the college I went to. I would have graduated in 1989 so I would of known a lot of people who would have been there. I went to the game and the school won!!! We are 6-0 now. First time in forever, well since I have been following them 23 years ago. But, I didn't see anyone I knew. There was one guy I recognized but I couldn't tell you his name.

When I came home I watched the rest of the Ohio State Game (which we won) and then mom wanted me to take her to Target. I am so tired from working out every night that I can, going to church, working two jobs and everything that is going on. I am also frustrated because I don't have any money. My finances are so out of control right now that I am not sure what my next step is. I got so frustrated last night that I was very angry. I was angry that I can't eat what I want to eat, angry that I can't buy what I want to buy, that I can't help my mom the way I need and want to. So, knowing that it is okay to get frustrated and really talk to God, he and I chatted quite a bit in between my crying and throwing my little temper tantrum. I know that He only wants the best for me and that all of my money problems are because of choices I am making and that He is trying to teach me a lesson. I just have to learn the lesson.

Then today he asked me to really step outside of my box/comfort zone. I had to make an announcement in front of the entire church about a ladies tea. Then I had to give my testimony tonight in the ladies class. Now, if most of you know me you know that I love to talk - and especially about myself but not in front of people. I freak out. But, He was with me the entire time. I made it through both things and am able to tell about it. I even only cried slightly during my testimony. If you also know me you know that was a miracle in itself!!!

God, thank you for all the lessons you are teaching me. Thank you for your love and guidance. Please help the words you gave and give me through this blog and my testimony to make a difference in someone's life. Help someone come to know you or come closer to you through something you might say through me. Amen (Now I am ready to listen-I guess you had to be in the ladies class tonight)

God Bless,
Karen

Weird Encounter

Okay. I got up this morning and had to stop at the grocery store since my schedule is so crazy in the evenings. As I was checking out at the self-checkout counter I forgot two cans of cat food in my cart. The attendant who watches the station needed a register but I had to finish so I could get to work. I rang up my order and then apologized to this elderly gentleman for holding up the line. He looked at me kind of weird but said it wasn't a problem. (or something like that).

I headed out to my car and was loading the groceries in the trunk when this same gentleman came out to his car (which happened to be two spots away from mine) and he started to talk to me about the weather. Then about feeding stray cats that he has, then about people who abandon cats, etc. In this period I finally opened my door and started to get in the car. He realized that I was getting ready to leave and as he headed to his car he looked at me and said, "You have such a pretty face." I WAS SHOCKED!!! That was the last thing I ever expected. It really humbled me to have God use an older gentleman who I happened to take a minute to talk to to encourage me. What a blessing.

So, that was my weird encounter for the day.

God Bless,
Karen

John 5 Question

If you notice at the top of my journey I have added the question, "Do you want to be well?" This comes from the passage out of John 5 that I have placed below. 3 years ago, when I was 38, our pastor spoke on this passage and it really hit me hard. One of the things that was pointed out in this passage is that in that time, if you were an invalid you probably made a pretty good living by begging and if you were healed then that income would go away. The man made several excuses as to why he couldn't make it into the healing pool to get well.

I feel that God is asking me this same question. "Do you want to get well?" This weight struggle has not only been physical but emotional as well. I have done well up until July but as most of you know, have struggled with the same habits I had before I started this journey. I need to stop and examine this question. God has really laid it on my heart again, even stronger than the first time. The obvious answer is yes but am I being truly honest? I don't know. I do know that I am spending more time in His word and I know that is a step in the right direction.

God Bless,
Karen

John 5
The Healing at the Pool 1Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews. 2Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda[a] and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades. 3Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.[b] 5One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"

7"Sir," the invalid replied, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me."

8Then Jesus said to him, "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk." 9At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. The day on which this took place was a Sabbath, 10and so the Jews said to the man who had been healed, "It is the Sabbath; the law forbids you to carry your mat."

11But he replied, "The man who made me well said to me, 'Pick up your mat and walk.' "
12So they asked him, "Who is this fellow who told you to pick it up and walk?"
13The man who was healed had no idea who it was, for Jesus had slipped away into the crowd that was there.

14Later Jesus found him at the temple and said to him, "See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you." 15The man went away and told the Jews that it was Jesus who had made him well.

Well, 1 year down...

Today is my 1 year anniversary for this journey. If you have been following you know what a roller coaster ride it has been.

I want to first of all thank you once again for all your encouragement, love, empathy and most of all, your prayers!!! I would never have made it this far without God using each and every one of you!!! I wish I could give each and every one of you a hug to thank you.

These last three months have been pretty discouraging for me in that I hit my 100 pound weight loss in July and haven't lost anything since then. I have maintained within a 5-10 pound variance of the 100 pounds lost. Now, I do realize that I am losing inches. In some ways I wonder if I lost so much, so quickly and now my body is toning right now. Yes, I am still making REALLY bad eating choices. I know that I have to stop that and I will definately try.

I just wanted to let you know that I have hit the 1 year mark.

Thanks again,
God Bless,
Karen

Running Outside

Tonight Josh did the workout and about 10 minutes into it he mentioned what degree it was outside. I told him that it was way to hot out and he said he wasn't concerned about the heat so I told him it was around 20 degrees out with a strong wind and we could catch a severe cold. I knew what he was up to. We were going outside to finish our workout. Now, in April I joked about going outside and we ended up going out. The weather was beautiful so it was pretty nice. In our parking lot there is a "short" Island and a "long" Island (they are areas with trees in the middle of the parking lot so people don't race through the lot). Anyway, in April I could barely make it to the "short" island at a very slow jog.

The few times we went out I finally almost made it to the "long" island at a run but never quite made it. Well, tonight I made it all the way to the "long" island at a jog, turned around, ran 1/2 way back, slowed to a walk and then with the entire class already at the start cheering me on, I ran the last leg of the run. Then we did a lot more things to the "long" island. I was VERY excited. But the best part was when I was doing something towards the end of the class Josh came by me and said, "I am so proud of you Karen." I know that this journey is not about what people think of me but getting healthy and honoring God but I am telling you that the encouragement from a person who knew how unhealthy I was in February and see where I am at now really makes a difference.

Thanks God for putting people in my life who encourage me to continue. Especially when I am struggling. Thank you that even though I have not lost a lot of weight I am losing inches. In Jesus Name, Amen.

God Bless,
Karen

Another Prayer Answered

I went to the gym last night knowing that I was up in weight from the previous week so I knew that I wouldn't get back to the 292. There was just no way. All day yesterday I did very well in my eating and had been praying that in the next 10 days He would allow me to reach the 280's since I had been on this stopping point at 291 for my lowest. (10 days yesterday is October 4th-my journey start date).

Well, I got to the gym. Did a little bike, did the Biggest Loser class which consisted of hard treadmill, hard elliptical, hard standing bike and hard racing bike for 1/2 hour. Then I did 1/2 hour of the barbell class. When I went to weigh in for the BL weekly weigh in not only had I lost the pounds to get back to the 292 but had lost an additional 2 more pounds!!! I weighed in at 290.8 pounds. Now, I know that a lot of it was water weight loss. So as soon as I had something to drink with my meal I gained some of it back but I BROKE THE PLATEAU!!! Only with God's help did I do that. Now, I am going to just continue to watch what I eat and work out hard again. I, with his help, can get to that 280's in 9 more days.

Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement. I know I will have bad days and will continue to struggle but I won't give up!!!

God Bless,
Karen

P.S.S. to Previous Post

Just to let you in on God's speaking to me. I mentioned that I needed to follow up on the previous post by spending time in His word. Well, a very special friend told me to start reading in Philippians. One of the verses that stood out to me was Philippians 1:6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. See what I mean. It was like he was telling me that He hasn't given up on me so I shouldn't give up either. (To you it may not have said that but to me it did)

Thought you might want to know...

God Bless,
Karen

New Revelation

Well, if you have been reading my blog for a few months you will remember I talked about my journey taking on a bigger thing. Well, since I wrote that I have been stuck!!! So, I will talk about my journey a little. My journey may end up in an Inspirational magazine. Now, since I have spoken with this magazine, as I have said, I have stopped losing and have been going between 95-102 pounds lost. I haven't been able to get below the 102 pound mark.

This has been going on since the first of July. I am now 12 days away from my 1 year anniversary of this journey. Have I gotten scared? Have I hit the point I was afraid of hitting where I start off things strong and then don't follow through. Again, I am not going to give up but I am obviously STILL struggling.

I think this whole magazine thing has me so freaked out. The main thing I wanted out of writing this journey was to help one person be able to overcome his/her eating struggles. This magazine would give me that opportunity. But, if you all know me well, I am so freaked out about expectations. If I can accomplish this then people will expect more from me and then when I fail (I know, negative thinking AGAIN), people will say, "See, I knew you couldn't do it." or leave me like has happened in the past. If I go ahead and fail then I will be the one in "control" of the situation. The problem is that I am so NOT IN CONTROL.

I don't want them to give up on me for the story. I would love for them to still do that article on me. I know right now I am not doing so well on my journey as far as the weight loss but just think, when I make it through this struggle it will help make the journey even more real to others. I know that I am not the first or the last person to struggle with this and I thank God for that reminder. If through all this He can be glorified then even this part of the journey will be worth it. Probably even more since if I lost it all quickly I would probably take it for granted.

Okay, I am rambling. I need to follow up on the previous post and go spend time in His word. Thanks for once again listening.

God bless,
Karen

P.S. another thing that happened was last week a girl at work said that she would love to set me up with her brother-she could have been saying that in the heart of the discussion we were having but... To most of you that wouldn't be a big deal. To me that was HUGE. There has only been one other person who even mentioned trying to set me up with someone and unfortunatly the person they wanted to fix me up with had as many emotional and physical challenges that I had. So, for someone to believe in me enough to want to set me up with her brother was amazing. That scared me to death too. Unless God says it will, I don't see it happening since the poor guy is 15 1/2 years younger than me but the thought was so humbling and flattering.

God answers prayers

Okay, so if you know me you know that Karen Kingsbury and Dee Henderson are my favorite authors of all time. Karen's new book was coming out this Tuesday. (Don't tell but a friend found it early at a store here and bought it.) I picked it up last night from her and finished reading it this morning at 9:45am. It was FANTASTIC. I concluded a 14 book series of the Baxter family and it was just what I needed to read.

So, anyway, on my way to church I was talking to God as I drove. I prayed that He would have me get more excited to read His word then I am for Karen or Dee's books. That I would crave it the way that I do the other books. Then I also asked if He would show me something special in the message today.

Well, not only did he give me a message, he actually had my pastor write the message just for me. Now, before you get to thinking I am thinking I am better than anyone I am not. It just seemed like this message was written exactly for me. The message centered around being in God's word. One of the things my pastor said was something along the lines of no matter how good a book it that God's word is so much more important and another book should not stop me from spending time in God's word.

So, see, He really did answer that prayer. I guess you had to be there to really know what I am talking about but...

God Bless,
Karen

God's Many Blessings

I just read my friend, Gretchen's, Blog and was reminded how blessed I truly am. There is a family that I always talk about that have "adopted" me and Gretchen is part of that family. She, Jamie and their three beautiful girls live in Minnesota so I only get to see them a couple of times a year but through her blog I am able to keep up with what my "neices" are doing. The oldest daughter started 2nd grade already and the middle one just started kindergarten. I can't believe they are that old already. They are growing up so fast. Though they only see me a couple of times a year they still know who I am and make me feel special whenever they are around.

There is another 11 kids in this family that, thanks to God's placement, I get to see all the time. I went to Penny's the other day and her 19 month old daughter saw me coming up the sidewalk and started yelling at me through the upstairs window. When I walked into the house she was at the bottom of the stairs and threw her arms up for me to pick her up. When she sees me at church she will come to me and sometimes won't go to anyone else. Now, I know that pride is a terrible thing but it sure makes me feel special when she does that. : ^ ) Her 4 year old big sister just started pre-school this week and also got to go to Explorers. She was so excited. Her 3 year old brother is trying to learn to potty train because he knows he can't go to "Cubbies" or pre-school if he doesn't go in the big boy potty and the newest one is 2 1/2 weeks old already.

Then you have the family of Tim and Polly. The oldest will be 16 on Sunday!!!!!! How did that happen. He is a fantastic young man and I can't wait to see what God has in store but how he got to be 16 already is beyond me. His 11 year old brother started middle school this year. WOW. He and I are a lot alike. We like similar things and we both love to talk. The middle boy is 10 and gets to be homeschooled this year. He told his grandma that there would be some sad girls this year since he wouldn't be in school. Gotta love him!!!! Then little Anna who just turned 6. I got to watch her get on the bus for Kindergarten this year. I was so proud of her. She is such a beautiful young lady and I am so proud of her and then there is the youngest. He is 3 and learning to walk again after having a broken leg. He seems to be my buddy right now and I love it. The funny thing though is that when he sees me the first thing out of his mouth is "can I have bubblegum?"

Then last but not least are Katie and D.J.'s kids. The oldest is 10 and she is beautiful. Everyone says she is just like her Aunt Polly but looks like her mom. She is so smart and doing great in school. She and her cousin Philip are great friends. Finally is the sports star of the entire family. He can pretty much play any sport he tries and do it well. I know that he has an amazing future ahead of him in sports.

Well, as you can see God has truly blessed me. All of those kids are amazing and so special. They all have different talents and personalities but yet they light up my days everytime I think of or see them.

Thank you God for the special blessings in my life. Whenever I feel down you remind me of the gifts that you have given me. This day it is in the form of 14 very amazing, wonderful children and their parents and Grandparents. Please bless each one of them and hold them in your arms as they go about their day.

God Bless,
Karen

Just stopping by...

Wanted to let you all know that the Biggest Loser started at the gym again last Monday and I worked out A LOT. I am really sore. Also, I just got back from a ladies retreat at a campground 2 hours from here. It was a good time but I am sure tired!!!!!!

I was on vacation this last week as well and it was okay.

That's about it. Have a good week.

God Bless,
Karen

WARNING: Pity Party Post-proceed with Caution

Okay, so if you have continued to read you are a gluton for punishment. This will be a long and complaining post. Okay, I have given you enough warning - here it goes.

I am so stressed out about so many things that I continue to make horrible choices. Not only in my eating but in my spending of money and the way I take care of myself and my house. I got up this morning and went to Tee Jays and had 3 scrambled eggs, 3 slices of bacon, hashbrowns and 2 slices of wheat toast, then I went to the hospital to see Abraham and then stopped in the cafeteria at the hospital and ate a personal supreme pizza from Pizza Hut and a salad. Then I stopped at the gift shop and bought to small pieces of chocolate and a reese cup, then I went to Applebees and ate the pick three appetizer of Mini Chicken sandwiches, Steak wraps and buffalo chicken bites with bbq sauce. Finally I came home and ate a box of gummie candy.

In all of that I spent around $30.00 for food and junk I didn't need and really didn't want.

So, you may ask, what is causing me to make these choices? Well, there is a list of things going on in my life but the long and short of it is that I am using food as my escape and in a round about way I am deciding that I am not worth losing the weight because I am not a very good person because of my struggle with my frustrations with my family. Okay, before you all start "commenting" on this post let me finish.

I know that I am worth it. God did not make me in His image to be worthless. He created me because He loves me very much and has a lot of things in store for me. And I am still looking forward to what those things are going to be.

But right now I am just struggling with a family who is not speaking to each other and therefore leaving one family member relying on me to be the only one this person has left and expecting me to make this person happy. That is HUGE pressure to put on my shoulders and I am human so I am going to let them down. No matter how hard I try. I can not make anyone happy. That has to come from God and this person is not willing to reach out to Him. It still doesn't make it any easier. Also, I have had several people over the last few weeks ask me if I have children. They don't know any better but they don't realize how much that question hurts. My whole life the main thing I wanted to be was a wife and a mother and God has not allowed that into my life at this point yet. It is so hard to have that question asked and knowing that I am already in my 40's and even if He does bring someone to marry I will be almost 42 and then trying to carry a child at that point would be such a risk. Finally there is the finances. I am living in a house that I can't afford, I have a burnt out headlight, a burnt out breaklight and I can't pay my bills yet I continue to spend money eating out, keeping directtv on 3 televisions and paying for the internet. I have no savings and my credit is horrible. Again, my priority is food. Okay, this is the finally, I am sitting at home AGAIN on another Saturday night. I had a chance to go to a birthday party for one of the girls from the gym but it is at a bar and I just don't want to go to those types of places. That can only lead to trouble. Maybe not tonight but... I sat at home again last night after I got off work too. I started my vacation this week and have no money to go anywhere.

So, I told you this was going to be a bad one but one of the things I wanted to do with this journal was write the good and the bad. I know that lately it has all been bad as far as me personally. For two months I have struggled big time. BUT - I know that it will get better. As I said earlier I know that God has something special planned for all of this and maybe allowing me to go pretty low is one way He is trying to get me to truly trust Him and to see that no matter what He is always with me and does love me?

So, I have posted my pity party day and am sitting here sobbing my eyes out but in a lot of ways it is a healing cry. Tomorrow is another day and with His help it will be a good one. I will take it one meal at a time again. That is how He had me do it when I started in October and that is how I have to do it again.

Thanks for listening!! I know that you all love me and are praying for me and want the best. I thank Him for that all the time. Enjoy your day tomorrow.

God Bless,
Karen

Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

New Day

Okay, so I have continued to make poor choices in my food and still have only gone up a couple of pounds. I know the exercise is helping but I really need to get back on track. I have been between 98 and 102 pounds lost since the first of July. Obviously I am doing things wrong. Not trying to get sympathy or anything I am just stating facts.

We start the Biggest Loser again on Monday for 6 weeks. I am really going to try. I have to get moving in the right direction again. So far the weight loss has helped a lot but I still have a lot to go to get healthy.

I guess I am going to have to go back to the one meal at a time mentality. AND NO FAST FOOD!!!!!

Thanks again for listening and praying,
God Bless,
Karen

Becoming an "Aunt" Again

Well, it looks like I will get to meet my new "nephew" 6 weeks earlier than anticipated. My friend, Penny, went into early labor last night and they are moving her to delivery right now. Since he is her 4th he will probably come quickly.

I can't wait to meet him but I pray that he and mom do well. He is already at around 6lbs 6 ozs so he should be okay but it is still scary.

I will keep you posted and post the picture as soon as I have one.

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. I AM AN "AUNT" AGAIN. Can't give name, weight, length or anything cause I don't know it yet but here is his first picture.


P.S.S. He is 5lbs, 12oz and 19 1/4 inches long. Could be in NICU up to 4 weeks so pray for him and his family. Currently his name is "Billy Bob" (Thanks Grandma & Grandpa) because his ID Bracelet has his last name and then bb for baby boy.

It's the little things

I did not want to go to the gym last night. I was reading a good book and was tired so I just wanted to go home and do nothing. Well, I forced myself to go anyway. I knew I would regret it if I didn't go.

When I got there I had one of the trainers do my measurements again so I could put off working out. Okay, I have noticed my angel wing arms seem to be getting smaller so I was curious to see if it was wishful thinking or really happening but the putting off working out was part of it too.

So, guess what? It wasn't wishful thinking. I lost 1 inch off my arm from the end of July until today. Pretty cool huh? It is the Body Burn class I am taking on Wednesdays plus the hard arm workout. I love it. So, over all since I started this journey I have lost 62.25 inches. That is a lot. Still a lot to go but it is working.

By the way, I ended up doing some cardio then I did the beginner step class!!!! WOW!!! I am sore today and how do you keep up with the "L" step thingy while going from one side of the step to the other? I am not coordinated for that.

Tonight is kickboxing and body burn so I should be pretty sore again tomorrow but it is a good sore.

God bless,
Karen

Not a lot going on

I guess this is what you would call the lull in the action. I am still slowly losing weight, nothing spectacular is happening right now. Still a lot of stresses going on in my life financially and family wise so there isn't a lot to talk about.

I did do the Cardio Kick-Boxing class last night then went right into the Body Pump class with weights. I do feel it today that is for sure. Just be careful. If I keep up with this kick-boxing I may be able to defend myself sometime in the near future!!! : ^ )

I pray that things are going well for you all?

So, that is my update for today. If anything fun and exciting happens soon I will let you know.

God Bless,
Karen

Lax on Posting

I am sorry to anyone who actually reads this blog for my lack of updating. I left you all hanging with a bad attitude/feeling sorry for myself moment.

I wanted to let you know that things are better I am just SWAMPED!!! Between working, we are training for a new software program and the information I needed was a little delayed on Monday so I worked until 8pm, sitting through the training classes and then trying to keep up with normal work, working out (I have been only twice this week), church, meetings and everything else that makes up a day I have been crazy.

I did start to go down again with the weight. I am not any further than the 100 pound loss from October but at least it went down and since I haven't had the chance to work out much so I sweat the weight off I believe it is actual weight that will remain off.

Thank you to all the people who have continued to support me through this stressful, struggling time!!! I don't know how to say how special and important your kind words, prayers and encouragment has been. A few weeks ago I posted a message about this journey heading to a new level. It looks like it will happen but could be 6 months to a year from now. Just know that you all are part of that change. Names may not be mentioned but God knows who I mean and you will know as well.

On a side note, please pray for my 3 year old "nephew". He broke his leg on Monday night and will most likely be in a full leg cast for several weeks. It runs from almost his hip to his little toes. Also pray for his family. I will post a picture when I get it uploaded.

Again, thank you for your support, patients, friendship and most of all your prayers. I know that you are saying them and I know that God hears everyone of them.

God Bless,
Karen

More Prayer needed - AGAIN

Okay, I am struggling big time right now. This seems to be my worst battle with eating that I have had so far in this journey and if you have been following my post's you know that this has to be bad!!!!

Saturday afternoon I ate 2 helpings of egg salad, pasta salad, a cupcake and more items. Then I went to my bosses house and ate shredded chicken, potato salad, cheese and a lot more stuff as well. And before that ate McDonalds. Sunday I ate a HUGE salad at Bob Evans, more McDonald's and many items when I got home. Monday I went to a Mexican restaruant and ate as many chips and salsa as I wanted plus the 4 enchilada dinner. Yesterday I made a mandarin orange cake and ate TWO big bites then I ate another one today and I had 3 barbecued chicken wings/riblets (don't ask) and a vegetarian egg roll and a small spoonful of rice.

Those are only some examples of what I ate. Oh yea, I forgot the milkshake and cheeseburger and fries from Steak and Shake last Friday and the icecream cone dipped in chocolate from Dairy Queen Sunday or Saturday.

See why I need prayer. I am ready to cry. People tell me that sometimes you have to treat yourself or have times like that but this has been going on for too long and I need to keep on track. I can't let things be an excuse to overeat. Today I am going to the Shining Star reception where there will be more fried food and then tonight is the final party for the Biggest Loser at the club with all kinds of food. ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.

Yes, I know there is a lot of stuff going on in my life, but again, this is where I need to continue to turn to God and not food. I have used food for 40 years. I know it won't happen overnight but man this is discouraging right now. I know God is there and giving me all the tools I need but I seem to be acting like the spoiled child who wants to do what she wants and not listen to her parent who knows better.

Please pray.
Thanks,
God Bless,
Karen

Biggest Loser final weigh-in

Tonight is the final weigh-in for the Biggest Loser. This session was fun but not as fun as the first round. I think the initial novelty was one of the things that made it more exciting.

I am sure that I went up from last Wednesday. I didn't eat great this weekend again. I had a bridal shower and a 40th birthday party to go to on Saturday. I ate way too much!!! I had fun though. : ^ )

Well, I will let you know how it goes.

Have a great week,
God Bless,
Karen

P.S. - I gained 3 pounds since last week so I ended the Biggest Loser with only losing 10 pounds. Pretty discouraging but things like this happen. At least I lost 10 and not gained.

In Memorium

I just found out that my friend I mentioned a few weeks ago went home to be with the Lord yesterday morning. There are so many of us who will miss her smile, her enthusiam and her love!!! This is the last picture I have of Bert when she went to my house for the 4th of July fireworks. It was just days before she took the turn towards heaven.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the rest of the family that was left here. May God continue to bless each one of you with special memories of a wonderful lady and the knowledge that most of you will get to see her again!!

I love you Bert and will miss you until we meet in Heaven.

God Bless,

Karen

Possible Opportunity

I just wanted to let you know that there is a possible opportunity for this journey to go to an all new level. I don't want to really talk about it right now but if you could just pray. I want this opportunity to glorfy God and then maybe help someone as well. I will keep you posted.

Thanks for your prayers.
God Bless,
Karen

A fun evening at the Gym

I wanted to let you all know how amazing it is to have wonderful friends to workout with. I went to the gym tonight and Craig pretty much killed us in Bootcamp. I thought I was going to die. It was hard but whenever I am done I realize how worth the effort it is.

Then Lisa, Jamie, Anna Mary and I went to the pool. I haven't had that much fun in awhile!!! We laughed, we played in the water, we threatened to throw Craig in the pool (that was the funnest part). I even had a chance to talk seriously with one of the girls. How amazing is that? There are so many times when I complain about things but when I stop and look at what God has done for me through this journey I find I am so blessed.

Just wanted to tell you all that. Thanks for the continued support and prayers - you are truly loved by me.

God Bless,
Karen

I've been eliminated...

Well, I was finally emlinated on Wednesday from the Biggest Loser competition. I actually gained 4 pounds in the week.

Pretty frustrating but there are a lot of things going on right now and I am still working on not using food as a comfort/escape. Sometimes I wish that I was there already but I know it has only been since October and it will take some time. I know that I will have these times for the rest of my life. The proper response will be to just accept it happened, don't beat myself up about it. Pray and then get back on the wheel. Actually, pray is the first step in this then the others.

I am so thankful to have the special people in my life though so that is great!!!

God Bless,
Karen

Sad/Happy times

Have you ever been so happy for someone yet personally wanted to sob your eyes out? There is a wonderful friend from church who was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. The doctors told her that if she didn't take chemo then she would probably only have a few months to live and if she took the chemo it would probably be less than 2 years. She opted for taking the chemo but it seems that God has other plans than the doctors.


She has taken a turn for the worse and the way things sound it doesn't look like it will be very long before she goes home to be with the Lord. That is the happy part for her. She will get to spend eternity in heaven!!! What an amazing thing!!!! She will not have to be in pain any more and knowing her, she will be having everyone up there singing patriotic songs and wearing red, white and blue.


For us it is amazingly sad. I can't begin to know what her family is feeling right now but I am sure it is sadness for the potential loss of this wonderful lady. For me, it is the loss of someone who has been one of my biggest cheerleaders during this weightloss journey. When I didn't think I would be able to finish the original program she stepped up and made sure that I would be able to. Whenever she sees me she asks me how it is going and when I tell her the pounds lost her face just lights up.
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I started this post yesterday but was too emtional to finish it. So I will now. The last thing I wanted to do last night was go to the gym and workout. I didn't want to be around anyone and didn't want to deal with my weight issue. But I went anyway because if my friend found out that I had missed working out because I was sad about her she would have yelled at me big time. So, I went and I worked out. I didn't stay as long as I normally do but I did the class and some cardio before the class. I will be back tonight.

Thanks for listening.
God Bless,
Karen

God answers another prayer

Well, at 8:10pm est last night I weighed in and officially hit the 100 pound weight loss mark from October 4, 2007. I weighed 293.8 pounds. I keep telling people that I weigh 393 because I didn't ever think I would be in the 200's. Now I am there and it feels so weird!!!

I had a couple of people praying last night and through hard work and God I was able to lose 2 pounds. Now, I am sure they are water weight but I will do my best to make it permanent and continue to go down.

Wow, I am not in the 300's anymore and I have lost 100 pounds!!!!! I can't believe it.

We do this one exercise in our classes that while you are doing sit-ups the person holding your feet is doing pushups. I actually was able to do real situps yesterday. I did like 5 in a row and came all the way up. Craig was very happy that I could do them. He is a great trainer and trys to encourage but for him to single you out after class and tell you that he was excited to see you be able to do something you haven't done before really made it even more special.

Thanks for all your prayers. I am at 40% of my weight loss goal. That is almost 1/2 way.

Have a blessed day,
Karen

Just checking in

Okay, I didn't make it the entire day on a liquid diet last Wednesday. But I still lost 2 pounds at the weigh-in.

I was almost good for 4 solid days off from Thursday, July 3rd until yesterday. What I did wrong was try to get rid of some items in my cabinets. I had a 1/2 bag of chocolate chips, a 1/2 bag of almonds and a peanut butter cookie mix. I decided to create this concoction. Didn't know how it would taste. Unfortunatly it was an amazing combination and I ate WAY TO MANY of the cookies. I had maintained my weight loss through Saturday at the gym. I don't want to weigh in tonight. I will just work out hard and go from there.

Do you ever sometimes say things that you mean as a joke but then the more you think about it the more you realize that it could have hurt someone's feelings? The other day I invited a couple of people from the gym to my house to watch fireworks on Friday night. Since all of the people who have come in the past have been from church and the girls from the gym enjoy going out to clubs and stuff I jokingly told them they had to be on their best behavior. The more I thought about it the more I feel bad. If someone said that to me I would feel like they only liked me on certain conditions. I apologized to one of the girls and will to the other but I need to remember that the tongue is the most deadly muscle in the body and I need to stop and think before I talk.

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH.

Well, I will let you all know how weigh-in goes on Wednesday. Have a great week.

God Bless,
Karen

Today is Weigh-in Day

Well, when I left last night I was even with my weight last week. I need to lose a couple of pounds at least. Craig said that if I didn't lose 7 pounds he would eliminate me. (This was last week). Well, I obviously won't lose 7 pounds today but I will do my best. He challenged all of us to do a liquid diet today. I will see how it goes. I didn't promise him anything and as soon as I am done with weigh-in I will eat real food.

So far I have had a "Slim-Fast" type of shake. Kind of tasted like Chocolate Milk. Not bad. I brought one for lunch and afternoon snack. I am not going to push it so if it doesn't agree with me I will eat something but it won't hurt to try one time. It won't be a habit though so don't worry.

Pray for my family. I have a cousin who is having major back surgery again today. She is only 40 and is pretty scared. There is also an unspoken with my brother/mom/sister-in-law. It is pretty serious so that is really important.

Thanks for your encouragment, prayers and well wishes. I know God is really doing amazing things in my life and though it still scares me to death, it is exciting too.

God Bless,
Karen

Saw the Commercial

Well, I found out that people have veiwed the commercial I was apart of in April and someone said I actually spoke. So, I called a local television and they gave me the times the spots were supposed to run. My boss asked our AV department to tape it. The first one came on 10 minutes early so they missed it but the one at 3 something yesterday afternoon was taped. It turns out they have several different versions of the speaking part. When I watched the 9:30 and the 11pm spots my friends, Lisa and Amanda were talking.

I finally got to watch the one they taped from the AV part and I did talk. I didn't say much but it was really weird to see myself on the screen. The background of the commercial doesn't change so in everyone of them they show a close up of me doing bicep curls with a big smile on my face. It is pretty funny!!!

If I ever find it online I will post it.

Pretty odd feeling.
God Bless,
Karen

A Little Fear

Okay, so I officially weighed in at 298 last night. You may not realize how significant that is but I truly do not remember the last time I weighed less than 300 pounds. I have been bigger than everyone I know for as long as I can think. Now, there are people who weigh more than me. Women I work near. THAT IS SO AMAZING!!!! I don't weigh in the 300's anymore. WOW!!!

Now, as exciting as this is it is also VERY SCARY!!!! I have never been at a healthy weight my entire life. I have never had a relationship, I have never done a lot of things and it really hit me that I can do this with God's help and that means my life really is going to change. There are going to be so many new things happening and that scares the life out of me!!! What happens when a guy asks me out? I WILL TOTALLY FREAK OUT.

Now the thing I have to remember is that God did not give us a spirit of fear. Easy to say, hard to do...

Another day in the life of me....
God Bless,
Karen

Going Below

Craig had me get on the scale last night to see what I needed to lose today. I was at 301 and so he said that by tonight he wanted to see me at 299. I then went and did the Bootcamp class and ended up the night at 299!!!! Now I just have to keep it off today since tonight is a weigh-in. If I stay at 299 or lower than I would have lost at least 5 pounds since last Wednesday's weigh-in. That would be good. There is one girl at 250 so I am not that far from her. (Not that I want anyone to get eliminated but...)

I will tell you though, I am so sore. I have muscles hurting that I didn't even know I had. Craig is really working us hard. I love it!!!! I am so sore but yet feel so good when I work out this hard.

I was looking for a blank video recorder tape because the cutest little 5 year old will be dancing tonight and I have to tape it. Anyway, I came across some of the footage that I did when I was going to audition for the Biggest Loser in Febraury 2005. WOW!!! I taped some footage last night just to compare. The difference is tremendous. I really have to work on my lisp though. One of these days maybe I will put a little of it on here so you can see.

God Bless,
Karen

Had a good birthday

I know that I tend to be more of a negative person a lot of time so sometimes it takes God to place something right in front of me for me to see it. Today was my birthday. It was a very good day. Here is a little timeline:
-They had an employee breakfast this morning
-Mom called me at 8:10 to wish me happy birthday
-Sue, from church called to wish me happy birthday
-Every one at work was wishing me a happy birthday and I got a few birthday hugs.
-Several of my friends emailed me to wish me happy birthday
-Around noon I looked up front to see my friend, Penny, and her three kids stopping by to give me pictures that the kids had drawn and a dozen red roses (my General Manager wanted to start rumors as to where the flowers came from)
-My cousin and my aunt both called to wish me happy birthday
-My office bought me a cake and sang happy birthday
-A friend gave me a $100 gift card to a day spa so that I could get my hair highlighted for my birthday/almost losing 100 pounds by my birthday.
-My friends at the gym wished me a happy birthday and want to get together to do something
-I don't think I got eliminated from the Biggest Loser but I need to step it up (prayers please)
-The choir sang to me at church
-My friend, Heidi, who has the same birthday gave me a great card.
-Several of us went to get icecream after church (I got sugar free/fat free)

So, as you can see, God has truly blessed me with so many special people in my life. When I start to feel sorry for myself I need to remember this post!!! There were other things that happened good today too but this post is long enough.

Lord, thank you for the special friends you have brought into my life!!! I am so thankful. Please forgive me for the times that I feel sorry for myself and help me to remember this special day when I start. There are a couple of people that I would have loved to have heard from and I didn't but you have a reason. Thank you again for your love through these special people.

In Christ,
Karen

Eliminated on my birthday?

Well, tomorrow is the first elimination for this session of the Biggest Loser. After this weekend I just may be eliminated. The sad thing is that it is my birthday. Wouldn't that just be terrible?

I gained 6 pounds over the weekend. Part of it is just being a female and the rest is really poor eating. Even last night after I worked out for 2 hours and my shirt was so wet it was dark blue instead of a lighter blue, I only lost 1.8 pounds.

Very frustrating. I will try to do very well today and tomorrow. But, we are having employee breakfast tomorrow morning and they are having a waffle and omelet station. Plus, I think my co-workers will bring in my birthday food. Who knows.

God Bless,
Karen

Not my goal but a milestone non-the-less

Well, when I remember my heaviest weight that I have been at it was 402 pounds. Tonight, I hit 302 pounds. Yes, that is 100 pounds lost since my heaviest!!! I still have 9 pounds to reach my 100 pound mini-goal weight and still have 9 days to do it. (My goal for my birthday).

It will be close but if I don't make it that will be okay. I just have to take it one day at a time.

God Bless,
Karen

And We Begin Again....

Well, we start the Biggest Loser again tonight. I am so excited. I went on Saturday and found a pair of real workout pants that I can use. They are dark blue and really cute. And the best part - - - They are a 2x. Okay, I truly don't remember the last time I wore a 2x anything!!! I am VERY excited about this.

I also bought a pair of workout shorts as well but I have to work up to wearing them. My legs are really white and I have a lot of loose skin to deal with. It didn't bother me to wear shorts when I was heavier because it was solid. Now it is not. Oh well, it is my friends I work out with so hopefully they won't say anything bad?

I will let you know what the official starting weight is tonight or tomorrow. Keep me in your prayers, Craig has already threatened us since he knows what we are capable of.

God Bless,
Karen

Okay, I didn't make it but...

I really tried but the pull of the scale finally got to me. I almost made it. The good news is that I am at 88 pounds lost now!!!!

Sorry to those that were praying for me. I really tried.

Have a great weekend,
God Bless,
Karen

I almost broke...

I just need to thank my friend, Lisa. She saved me from the dreaded scale tonight. I broke down and started to get on the scale. She pushed me off of it then when I stepped back up again she covered the readout and pushed me off again.

Thanks for saving me. I only have 6 days to wait for the official weigh-in.

By the way, Craig is really looking forward to torturing us starting next week.

God Bless,
Karen

The Males in my life

I just have to tell you about 2 of the cutest males anyone could have in her life. One of them has been praying for me for the last week. The second one talked all day about me yesterday and couldn't wait to see me at church last night. Okay, so they are 3 and almost 3 respectivally but hey, it is still pretty cool. What more could someone ask for!!! Two amazing toddlers that are still working on talking and somehow I have made enough of an impact to have them ask about me and pray for me.

Thanks Carter and Micah. I love you both very much.

God Bless,
"Aunt" Karen

It's a New Day

Didn't want to leave you all thinking that the defeatest attitude has continued. Between writing the previous post, talking to one lady at work, talking to a couple of ladies at the gym, Gretchen from Minnesota and more importantly, God, I woke up with a much better attitude this morning.

THANK YOU ALL WHO WERE USED BY GOD!!!!!

God Bless,
Karen

P.S. In a side note, I did not get on the scale tonight. One day down, 13 more to go. (I am trying to not weigh again until the day of the Biggest Loser)

A defeatist's attitude

About 15 years ago I had started losing weight and had almost reached the 300 pound mark. I was a few pounds away. Then I gained it all back and an additional 50 pounds to reach my starting weight of this current journey.

Well, I am struggling again. I am almost at the 300 pound mark and today I told someone that mentally I just want to quit. I don't think I will but just having that feeling is really messing with my mind. I didn't do great again this weekend and have actually put on about 5 pounds. Instead of losing weight I am going backwards and it doesn't really take much for me to gain that weight.

One of the things I need to do is stay away from the scale. If I can do that until my birthday then maybe I will surprise myself.

Even trying on my "before" jeans and being able to take them off without unbuttoning them didn't excite me that much. Boy am I in a HUGE RUT.

Well, that's all since I don't want to cry at work and my eyes are tearing up from frustration.

God bless,
Karen

Just touching base

It's funny how God can do something to stop a person from messing up. I was going for my daily walk/soda/end up with food run on Wednesday and as I passed my General Manager's office the HR Director came out and said that the admin and he were talking about me. I asked what about and he said about how good I am doing on losing this weight and everything. Then I went on down to one of the little shops in the food court area and one of the sales clerks who I have known for several years mentioned that he really noticed the changes in me and how well I was doing. As he was saying this I was looking at the candy. So I threw up my hands and looked up and said, "fine, I get your point, I will not eat candy today" God brought two very nice people to remind me of the hard work He and I have accomplished so that I didn't mess it up.

It's ashame I didn't listen yesterday. Let's just say sometimes I use the excuse of being a female to give me a reason to severly overeat!!! Yesterday I ended my day by eating a greek salad that could have fed three people, a fruit cup that 2 people could have eaten and a Michaelna's speghetti for dinner, left my second job, went and worked out and then promptly left there and stopped at KFC!!!! Got a chicken breast meal with green beans and cole slaw and demolished the chicken and biscuit (I never eat their biscuits), ate 1/2 the green beans and 3/4 of the cole slaw. This was all at 9:30pm last night!!!

The question is why?

God Bless,
Karen

A Little Insight

Okay, another new eye-opening moment. If you know me well then you know my history. If you don't I will give you a quick overview:

My parents seperated when I was 7 months old, divorced when I was 1 1/2 and mom, my brother and I moved to Central Ohio when I was 5. In the time I was still in Dayton I saw my dad some but his new wife didn't like my brother and I. When I was 8 he came up to visit us for Christmas (the "new" wife was out of the picture by then) and stayed for a little while. The day after Christmas we took him to a little airport near my old house and he hugged us, kissed us, told us he would write and call as often as he could and then got in his little airplane and I never heard from him again until I was 25. I found him, wrote a letter, he wrote back once and that was it. So, 15 years later I have not heard from him again.

Okay, so why, you ask, did I explain all of that to you? Well, a lot of my struggle with my weight has to do with his promises and ultimate rejection. I have closed myself off from letting people get close to me so that they can't hurt and abandon me like the one person I was supposed to trust did.

So, onto my next revel. I LOVE TO READ. Are you wondering where I am going with this? Well, I will explain. I read Christian Romance Novels. I take them everywhere with me. I have one in my purse at all times. I even read at stoplights if I know the timing. Well, I was at work tonight and reading my latest novel and came across a paragraph that ties these two ramblings together. It is from a book by author Irene Brand and called "Made for Each Other". I will write the paragraph below and you will see the eye opening event for me.

Jesus had been rejected over and over, yet He had perserved and hadn't closed His heart to other people because His own family and peers wouldn't accept Him.

See where I am going with this? So many people rejected Christ and yet He still loved us enough to die on a cross for us. Yes, I have been rejected by some very important people in my life but I HAVE NOT been rejected by a lot more people then have rejected me. It has taken me 40 years to see this. But the biggest thing is that even if I am rejected by everyone here on earth (Lord willing that will never happen but...) I will NEVER be rejected by Christ!!!! He loves me no matter what happens here. That knowledge brings me to humble tears!!!

Thank you God for loving me. Thank you for showing me your love through your son and through those you have brought into my life when I open my eyes and accept that love.

God bless,
Karen

Weekend Frustration Continued

Okay. So if anyone from the gym reads this blog I need to apologize. I went in with a seriously bad attitude!!! They are so nice and tried to tell me that sometimes I will have bad weekends and things like that and of course my pouty little bad attitude showed it's ugly little head. It had nothing to do with them. It was all about me being my own worst enemy.

I did make some okay choices this weekend so I didn't go completely overboard but I continue to dwell on the negative choices I made.

So, if you go to the gym with me and got to experience my pouty winey self last night I truly apologize!!! I am working, with God's help, on this situation. You guys are amazing and I am so blessed to have you in my life and even though you don't know it, He is using you to make a great impact on me.

God Bless,
Karen

Why are weekends so hard

Okay. I know that I have posted my struggle about eating on Sundays. The thing I can't figure out is why I feel the need to overeat on the weekends all together? I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. (I know, I am still gaining a step but...). Friday night I ate a salad from Subway at 5pm then after I got off work at 7pm I was driving around. I was driving around and about 8pm or so I stopped and got a cheeseburger and fries. Now, did I need that? No!!! Was I hungry? No!!! I was feeling sorry for myself because I was spending, yet again, another Friday night alone. So I prayed and mentioned to God that I was so tired of spending Friday and Saturday nights alone. 5 minutes later my friend, Tiffany, called and invited me to her house to hang out with some people for awhile.

Then Saturday I got up and went to the Zumbathon at the gym. I attempted to do Zumba for 2 hours to raise money for Breast Cancer research. For breakfast I had a granola bar. Then I had some fruit after we were done. But then... I got lunch around 2pm at a mexican restaurant. Now, did I pick a low-fat fajita meal or something? No, I ordered the 4 enchilada meal. Now, I did leave off the sour-cream and only ate 4 chips with salsa but... So, thinking that would be the overeating of the day I went about my business. Well, my friend Gina and I went to see a movie (Made of Honor which was pretty good) and I promptly ate 1/2 of a bag of movie popcorn with butter. Okay, do you think I stopped there? No, after the movie, since I didn't consider popcorn to be dinner food, I stopped at Wendy's and ordered the Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxe with just onion and light ketchup, a $1.00 fry and a large diet coke. When I got home they had given me the bacon cheeseburger without the cheese and no onion. Of course I ate it all at 9:30pm.

So, my Saturday is done. Did I learn my lesson? No. Sunday arrives and I eat a bowl of Total with Cranberries in Skim Milk for breakfast. Not bad but for lunch Heidi, Penny and I go to Olive Garden. Now I did order the low-fat pasta pomadora thingy and only ate 1/2 of it but that is because I ate the breadstick and a small plate of salad smothered in their Italian Dressing and some parmesan cheese. Then, of course, my "on my way to church" dinner stop had to take place at 4:30pm. I stopped at White Castle and got a bag of fries (normally I get a small but I accidentally ordered the bag and did I only eat a few? No, I polished off the bag) and (2) cheeseburgers with no pickles and a large diet coke. Then I went to church and after that we went to Polly's and I had (2) pieces of pizza, a breadstick and tiny bite of a brownie.

Okay, so back to my original question. Why do I overeat on the weekends?

Please pray for this situation. I know that I have to give myself some slack or I will completely go off the wagon but I also need to be more careful. Yes, there are things in the above that I did make okay choices on and I did walk around my community twice yesterday so I probably walked off one of the breadsticks but it is just so frustrating.

Thanks for listening.
God Bless,
Karen